'My GF told her friends personal stuff about our intimate life. She made fun of me.' MAJOR UPDATE

Privacy matters, especially in a romantic relationship.

"Apparently my [20M] girlfriend [21F] (of 1 year) told her friends explicit stuff about our s*xual life including the fact that I was a v*rgin when we started dating and joked about it. I feel really hurt personally, I'm not sure if I'm right to be."

This all started last Friday night. One of my girlfriend's closest friends had just come home from a trip abroad, so they were all going out to celebrate.

Originally they were planning a party or something, but then they decided to go out to a restaurant together and then go back to one of the friends house and watch movies, or whatever shit they do, I don't know. Basically it was meant to be a girls night out, and there was 12 of them (I think).

My older sister who is a close friend of my girlfriend and part of her inner circle friendship group was going a long with them. It sounded like they were going to have fun and I wished them the best. Well since my girlfriend was going and my sister as going, my girlfriend was at my house beforehand, and my sister drove her to the restaurant where they were all meeting up.

My sister was gonna drop her off at her home afterwards, and them come back to our home (we both live with our parents), at least that was the plan. They headed off around 6pm, and I wasn't really expecting sis back until like 12pm or 1am or something, if she didn't end up sleeping over there.

Instead she came back on her own at around 9.30-10 and she seemed really angry and in a horrible mood, we asked her what happened. She said she was just really tired and not in the mood. I asked her if she had dropped my girlfriend off at her place, she said no, she can take a taxi. It was really weird cause she seemed visibly angry and I know my sister, she's not the sort of person to easily get angry.

She was like even slamming doors and s**t. The next day she was in a bit of a better mood, but still kind of angry. I prodded and asked what the matter was, she refused to talk about it, she said it was nothing, she had just been a bit tired the night before, maybe feeling unwell. Next day, on Sunday, she opened up.

She said "look something happened the other day when I was out with your girlfriend and her friends." I said "aha I knew it". She said "you won't like what you're going to hear, but you need to hear it anyway." My mind was like "oh sh*t, is she cheating?" that was the first thought that came to my head.

She proceeded to tell me about the entire night, how they had gone to the restaurant, all had plenty of fun. Gone back home, apparently they started watching a movie but didn't like it so they didn't finish it, and they couldn't decide on what other movie to watch so they started drinking and gossiping. Like, started gossiping about past and current boyfriends, relationships, s*x.

Sis said "your girlfriend maybe dr*nk a bit too much, and started revealing too much information. About you. Stuff she shouldn't have."

I said "what sort of stuff?"

She said "you don't want to know."

I said you can't just start telling me that, and then cut off without telling me what she said, what did she say?

Sister said "I really didn't want to talk about this, but you want to know and you probably have a right to." And she proceeded to tell me the stuff that my semi-dr*nken girlfriend had said about me. Apparently she was making jokes about how when we first started dating I was a v*rgin and had no knowledge or experience of s#x, and she was mocking my inexperience and lame attempts.

My girlfriend also apparently made fun of the shape of my p*nis (it has a weird thing where it bends to the side, I've never really felt self conscious about it because I thought it was the sort of thing that most girls wouldn't care about and my girlfriend never mentioned it.

But now I feel incredibly self conscious) and apparently I ej*culate too quickly and make weird sounds when I do.

I was like "what the f#$k, why was she even talking about this? how drunk was she?"

Apparently not even that dr*nk, like she'd had a few drinks but not that many.

I told my sister "why did you have to tell me all this, I wish you hadn't. Now I just feel hurt." She said "I felt you have a right to know your girlfriend is saying this stuff, I just couldn't stand being in the same room as her when she was saying it all.

That is why I was so angry and left early." She seemed to feel better having gotten that off her chest, but I couldn't understand why she was so angry about it. My girlfriend had been saying all that stuff about me and revealing all those private details about me and sure, I was hurt by it, but I had no idea why she had gotten so angry from all of it. It made no sense.

Someone explain this?

I feel hurt honestly, kind of dismayed. Like, I feel like all this stuff my girlfriend never brought up with me, she just jokes about in front of other people. Is it right for me to be upset about this, is it right for me to be hurt or am I overreacting?

Was it fair for her to talk about that sort of stuff in front of other girls, even if they were all gossiping? Should I bring this up with her and tell her that it really hurts me? What if she tells me to just get over it? Or should I just forget about it and move on because its no big deal, even though I feel its a big deal to me? Am I being too sensitive?

TL;DR: Apparently girlfriend got slightly drunk and started gossiping with her friends, revealing way too much information about our s#x life and humiliating details about me. Am I right to be hurt and upset? Should I bring this up with her, and how?

The internet had a lot to say.

Streon wrote:

Your sister got upset because she cares about you and it hurt her to see your girlfriend making fun of you behind your back. Yes, you're absolutely right to feel hurt and betrayed by this. You should talk to your girlfriend about it, and how she responds will tell you how to proceed.

If she's remorseful and apologetic, you may be able to work past this. If she tells you to get over it, that "it's not that big a deal," or anything like that, it means she doesn't respect you and you should break up.

saradanger responded:

If I were OP's sister I would also be mad because (on top of the gf's disrespectfulness) it's pretty gross/weird to hear someone talk about your brother's s#x life. Girl has no tact.

xv323 wrote:

Firstly, OP, I think you made a minor faux pas here with your sister, specifically. It isn't fair for you to press her for information about what was making her angry on the one hand, and then get annoyed when she does indeed give you that information, particularly when she'd warned you already that you weren't going to like what she was about to say.

That's what you kind of did here - nothing dreadful, but you might want to apologise to your sister for that.

Now onto the main point - you have every right to be livid about this situation.

Certainly you need to talk to your girlfriend about this and see what she says - and ensure you stick to your guns. This was unacceptable on her part. You don't need to 'reveal your sources' as to how you know she's been saying this stuff, but I certainly wouldn't let this get swept under the rug - it can only lead to more, and bigger, problems further down the road.

ted_bolub wrote:

Your sister is f#$king awesome. She 100% had the right to be upset, the right to tell you, and the right to lose respect for your GF. After everything has blown over, you should do something really nice for her to show your appreciation.

I can't tell you what to do, but for me this kind of behavior shows either 1) a blatant lack of respect for you and your relationship or 2) terrible judgment on your gf's behalf. Either case is a strong candidate for a deal-breaker.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Warning: This is a REALLY long post. It's been a really eventful week, its had its ups and downs. A bit chaotic at times but now things have settled, I finally have time to write this update in full. Some of you were really supportive in the last one, some of you a bit less so but that's okay, I appreciate all your advice. Hope this update can clear things up.

After I had found out from my sister what my girlfriend had said, I was feeling pretty down. I felt quite a blow to my perception of myself, like all this time my girlfriend had held me in a lower esteem than I thought she had. Did she look down at me cause I was a v*rgin?

Did she really think I was that bad when we were together in bed that she thought it was worth making fun of me to her friends, or is that just something all girls do? I hope not. I was feeling pretty self-conscious about my p*nis as well. I never thought it was abnormal, I thought the slight bend was just a feature, I didn't know its something a girl would ever be disturbed by.

I didn't even know how abnormal it was, I haven't seen that many. Embarrassing to say, but I looked up a few pictures of p*nises on google and googling whether there was anything wrong with me or if its any abnormal medical condition. I eventually realized I was overreacting about the whole thing, but still, my self esteem did take a momentary blow.

I realized I had to confront my girlfriend about it. The more I just thought about it, the more I intensely scrutinized myself and scrutinized my actions and behavior, the more I began to doubt my own opinion of myself. Was I overreacting? Maybe, probably.

But I had opened up myself to my girlfriend in a way I'd done to nobody else before, I had trusted her by letting her be the first person I had ever slept with, I felt hurt and betrayed that she'd mouth off about my initial lack of s*xual capabilities to her friends. I mean everyone sucks at sex first off, right? Surely it's not just me.

And even if I did, she never mentioned it, I'd rather be able to improve than just remain a joke for her to mock with her friends. I obviously care for her very much, I wish she'd open up about these things to me not to others. I was feeling really depressed and doubtless of myself, needless to say. My first instinct was to, wrongfully, shoot the messenger.

I started harassing my sister with questions about exactly what my girlfriend had said, she didn't want to tell me, but I told her I needed to know exactly what it was because I was planning to confront her about it. My sister was uncomfortable by the whole thing, but I pressed, and she repeated everything she had previously told me about what my girlfriend had said.

I asked my sister if it was okay with her if when confronting my girlfriend about it, I told my girlfriend that she was the one who had told me. My sister sighed and relented, figuring that the girlfriend would probably assume as much anyway. I asked her "are you sure its right for me to confront her about this?"

Sister said "yes, if you feel that is what you need to do. But promise you won't stay with her just because she is your first or you feel obligated to, I've seen you hurt all day because of what she said and I don't think she deserves you back." And then I started lashing out at my sister, I got quite angry. I got mad at her for telling me, saying I would have been better off if she hadn't had told me.

My sister said sorry at first, and left it at that. I kept going at it, h*rassing her about it and blaming it on her, she just stayed silent and visibly frustrated, eventually storming upstairs to her bedroom. I followed her up and kept pestering her about it, "why did you have to tell me?" "why did you even think I needed to know something like that."

I definitely pushed too far, she opened the door and shouted back at me something along the lines "oh I don't know, maybe because I love you, did you consider that you f#$king idiot. F#$k me for trying to look out for you when she clearly has no respect for you. But no, go running to her, she's exactly what you deserve." She called me a f#$king idiot numerous times and slammed the door on my face.

I tried to knock on the door and open it, but she had locked the door and was playing really loud music from within. She didn't come out of her bedroom the rest of the day, and I was feeling really bad. I felt guilty and atrocious for lashing out at her like that, I know I was 100% in the wrong. I know you're going to slice me up in the comments section for that, and go ahead, I deserve it.

I was an idiot and a terrible person for attacking the one person who had my back in all of this, I wasn't thinking straight, and I'd clearly hurt the person closest to me. I decided I had to confront my girlfriend about this. I called her the next day, she seemed in a good mood, happy to hear me. She said I hadn't called in a while and she'd been waiting for me to call.

We met up, went for lunch, and I kept waiting for the right time to bring it up, but I couldn't. She asked if she could stay at my place for the afternoon before heading back home, I said sure. Apparently her parents were having some people over that afternoon and she didn't want to be around. We were sitting at home, and I decided to finally bring up the thing.

My sister was upstairs in her bedroom listening to music (quite loudly) and I figured she wouldn't come down or anything. I said to my girlfriend: "Look, I don't know how to bring this up but there's something that's really been bothering me. Some stuff that you apparently said about me." I proceeded to tell her about the stuff she'd apparently said to her friends.

Her response was "That's it? I could tell somethings been bothering you, is that really it?" She then proceeded to dismiss it, saying she couldn't believe I was worked up about that. I told her that she knows I care deeply about what she has to say about me, and I was really hurt by all the stuff she said, and I think an apology is in order. She said "fine, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

She said she wouldn't do it again, and she didn't know that it would affect me so much. But then she started brushing it off again, saying it was a silly thing to be upset about, that girls talk about that sort of stuff with each other and tease their boyfriends behind their backs all the time, it's just being playful.

I told her that it was hurtful to me, she did a sarcastic "awww" face, and seemed to be laughing at the whole thing. Then she asked me how I knew about it any way. I said well sometimes when you say stuff about someone in front of other people, it can likely get back to them. Her instant response was "It was [my sister's name], wasn't it?"

I said, "well maybe you should have thought about that before talking about someone in front of their sister". She said "I knew it, that b#$ch, I hate having her around anyway. She always has to act like she's so moral and better than everyone." I told her "hey that;s my sister, don't talk about her that way."

She proceeded to go on complaining about my sister, twisting the whole situation to blame it on her, saying that none of this would have happened and I would have never even found out about it if my sister hadn't told me. I told her my sister was just looking out for me and she shouldn't hold any blame. She said "do you really believe that?

Your sister always tries to pretend she's so moral but she loves to create drama, she enjoys stirring the pot. Why else do you think she told you?" I told her that's not true, my sister just cared about my feelings, she should stop blaming her. Girlfriend's response: "If she cared about your feelings, she wouldn't have told you."

Then the girlfriend started asking if my sister was around at home, I said she was upstairs in her room but now is probably not a good time to bring this up with her. So my girlfriend and I stayed in the living room, eventually my sister came downstairs. While she was coming downstairs, she was calling my name, saying there was something important she needed to talk to me about.

Then she saw me and my girlfriend were sitting together, she said "Oh, I didn't know you were here." There was an extremely cold silence between them. There was a bit of chit chat, but it was very awkward. Then my girlfriend opened up "What do you think gives you the right to interfere in the relationship between me and my boyfriend?"

My sister was stunned she just stared back and didn't answer, girlfriend said "Don't act like you don't know what you did, I know you always enjoy stirring the pot." She started telling her that she couldn't trust her as a friend, and started accusing my sister of being a horrible friend, and she shouldn't even go to girls nights if she couldn't keep her mouth shut.

I had to intervene, I said "that's enough." But she didn't stop, it broke out into an open argument between the two of them, I kept trying to calm them down.

It was mostly just the girlfriend relentlessly attacking my sister, my sisters eyes swelled up with tears and she just turned to me and says "why don't you stand up for me? she's a f#$king b#$ch, can't you even hear what she's saying? why are you even with her?"

At that point the girlfriend said she couldn't take it any more and had to leave. Before she left, I said I need to speak with her. At that point I broke up with her, I didn't really give a reason, I just said I felt things weren't working out and its better for everyone if we end our relationship. She was really hurt and didn't seem to understand why.

I told her because of everything that had happened recently, we should stop seeing each other. Plus the enmity between her and my sister, I didn't think I could be with her after that. She was incredibly upset, but she seemed to understand. My girlfriend said "maybe we can still be friends?"

I said "Maybe, we'll see, but we just need some time apart now." We hugged and kissed one last time, said good bye, and she went on her way. My sister had disappeared, I figured she was back in her bedroom. I went upstairs, and she was just sitting on her bed listening to music, staring at the ground. I sat beside her and tried to comfort her, I told her I'm sorry for everything.

I told her how sorry I was for lashing out at her earlier, for trying to blame things on her. I basically told her I was incredibly sorry for everything that had happened, and I was sorry for my girlfriend's behavior towards her just then. She said that my girlfriend was right, that she's an idiot who always sticks her nose in everything trying to make things better but she should have just kept her mouth shut.

I told her that she had done the right thing, that I knew she was just looking out for me like any brother or sister would. I told her I'd broken up with my girlfriend just minutes earlier, she said she thought I did the right thing. I said I was sorry she had to endure all that and gave her a hug, asking her if there was anything I could do to thank her, she told me she just wanted to see me smile more often.

The next few days, she seemed kind of depressed and dreary, not leaving the house much. She tried to put on a brave face and smile when she can but I knew some thing was up. On Friday afternoon, I noticed she was sitting at home eating chips and watching cartoons on TV, in old dirty clothes, it looked like she hadn't showered in a while and her hair was dirty. I asked her what was up, she said nothing.

I told her I thought she was going to go out again with her friends on Friday to a restaurant, i.e. a "girls night" like she had the previous week. She said "not any more." I said why not, she responded that her friends had officially "disinvited" her. My reaction was that that's horrible, how can friends do that?

She said she didn't think they were her friends any more, all of the girls she had gone with last week had stopped responding her and were ignoring her, some of them had deleted her on social media, and were basically all giving her the cold shoulder.

Apparently they really hated the fact that she had ruined the gossip of their girls night, and basically all the girls in that social group followed my girlfriend's lead, so when my girlfriend cut my sister out of her life, they followed suit and did the same. I was shocked, I couldn't believe that so-called friends would do such a thing to someone, just completely defriend them from life over one incident.

She just shrugged and didn't seem to care. I lamented over the fact that all of this had happened to her just because she chose to stick up for me and tell me the things my girlfriend had been saying about me. My sister just shrugged in response. I told her I'm sorry and I felt this was partially my fault, and I said I don't understand how she can still not regret having told me all this.

She said "why would I regret it? I don't care about them. You mean more to me, I'll find other friends after all." I told her that is an incredibly nice thing to say and hugged her, I sat down and asked her what she was watching, but she didn't seem very interested in it.

She said she had had a lot of fun with them last time and she kind of felt sad that they were all having fun without her while she was stuck at home like a loser. "Friday nights" were sort of a thing for her and the girls when they'd regularly go out, so it was understandable she'd feel upset that she no longer had that and she'd lost a bunch of friends.

I asked her what restaurant they were going to, she told me they normally went to the same one each week. Apparently it was a really fancy place. I said screw it, she doesn't have to stay at home, I'll take her to somewhere even better. At first she thought I was kidding, but I told her I was serious. We got dressed and I drove us to this new place that I haven't been to before.

It was expensive as f#$ck (I spent over $200 on the two of us) but it was worth it and we had a good time, the food was excellent. At least she wasn't feeling so down afterwards. I still feel terrible over the way I initially handled it, I feel ashamed over my initial misdirected anger and how I was rude and careless.

Honestly, I think I feel much better off after having broken up with the girlfriend, I was expecting I'd have a period right afterwards where I feel down and regretful about it, but the more days that go by, the more sure I am that I made the right decision.

TL;DR: I got angry and lashed out my sister after she had told me that stuff, but later apologized. I confronted my girlfriend about what she had said. First she apologized, but then tried to twist it and play it off like it was no big deal. She got into a big fight with my sister over what had happened and many mean things were said.

I broke up with my girlfriend. In exchange, my girlfriend and her friendship circle completely defriended my sister and have begun totally ignoring her, uninviting her from nights out together because of what she did in telling me about what my girlfriend said.

The internet had nothing but love for OP's sister.

rooftophugs wrote:

Christ, your ex was a b#$ch. Also, your sister rocks and I wish I had someone like her in my life. Your sister's "friends" are a pathetic excuse for friends. Friends don't treat you like that if they're your true friends.

Hope your sister finds better friends and that the breakup with your ex goes smoothly for you. Stay strong, OP and OP's sister.

OP responded:

She is my hero too, my hero and my rock. I'm not just saying that, but I really do look up to her and hope I become like her some day, even though she is just a year and a half older. She's the kind of person someone should be incredibly proud to have in their family.

I feel like complete s#$t for having turned on her, but she's the amazing kind of person you can always trust to forgive you and be there to help you again.

[deleted] responded:

I'm the younger sister to my brother, and he is exactly like your sister is. Do not feel bad, you were under a really stressful situation, but you totally did the right thing and cannot be blamed for having a bad initial reaction.

You totally did the right thing, and please take care of your sister for the next few days. She has just lost her social circle, although it's good riddance, maybe a few brother-sister outings will make her happy (and distract you as well). They don't have to be so expensive though! Best of luck to both of you! Both of you are lucky to have each other.

OP responded:

"I'm the younger sister to my brother, and he is exactly like your sister is. Do not feel bad, you were under a really stressful situation, but you totally did the right thing and cannot be blamed for having a bad initial reaction. You totally did the right thing, and please take care of your sister for the next few days."

"She has just lost her social circle, although it's good riddance, maybe a few brother-sister outings will make her happy (and distract you as well). They don't have to be so expensive though!"

Yes, definitely more outings. I'll try to keep a keep a closer eye on my wallet though, I cant afford to spend $200 every week. I wasn't even planning to spend that much, but it was one of those places where everything is really expensive and you have to spend a lot if you want to eat there, and I think they ramp up the price of the wine.

comfortably-bum wrote:

Lol this isn't going to be popular but girls gossip ALL THE TIME. Sure a lot of girls will refuse to do it at times but if you get them on the right topic the daggers fly. The real mature thing to do is to interject while it's happening and say,"hey tone it down" or "ok that's enough" with a smile.

That method always works for me. If anytime my friends are talking s#$t to me I make a point to never bring up their sh#$ty comments again. I've had so many times where a friend would say something unjustifiably mean about a person only to become great friends with them later...and I pretend they never said anything because life is too short to dwell on old negative opinions.

Usually girls do it when they're bored or need more things to do (like not being able to find a movie). That's not to say girls don't take it too far and in this case it was super private info...but it's just a little perspective!

Red217 wrote:

"If she cared about your feelings she wouldn't have told you."

If your ex cared about your feelings, she wouldn't have said what she said or gossiped about you.

Good on you, that girl sounds like a total b#$ch. Also, as a sister who has a younger brother, you better believe that if he dated and of my friends and they gossiped about him in a negative way I'd be all over telling him and protecting his feelings in the long run. You really made the right choice.

Sounds like OP is off to greener pastures.