'My GF wants to take her ex to her work Christmas party. Am I overreacting?'

"My GF wants to take her ex to her work Christmas party. Am I overreacting?"

I’ve (35M) been with my gf (44F) for 9 months. When we met she was open about the fact that she had fully separated from her ex and that they would be starting official divorce proceedings. Those started around 1 month ago and it’s basically in the early stages.

Yesterday we were talking about work Christmas parties and she told me her workplace are currently running a poll where the options were, go alone, go with your partner, or say you're not going.

When I asked what she was thinking of doing, she said she needed to talk to her ex-husband about it because she was going to take him if that option won because she didn’t want to go and sit alone while everyone else was there with there with their spouses.

Obviously I reacted pretty badly to this. She said she couldn’t bring me because nobody there knew about me/us. She had started her job about 3 months before we met and everyone there was basically under the impression that she was still married as that’s how things had been when she joined, and she didn’t like lots of people knowing her business (separating divorce etc) so she just went along with it.

She said that bringing me would therefore be weird and she temporarily wanted everything to still “look normal” by bringing him. I questioned why she would need to go and pretend to essentially strangers, she could easily just go on her own instead and she told me I didn’t understand how difficult it was for her.

She told me I was making it all about me by asking to be prioritized (in my eyes it was just consideration), that I was acting irrational and being jealous and that she didn't have to run any of her decisions by me.

She then started crying, hung up on me and text me to say she wanted “space” for a few hours, but she hasn’t been in touch since and that was 24 hours ago. I haven’t reached out because I feel I haven't done anything wrong. I feel really horrible about her wanting to take him along so easily because it feels like she has not considered my feelings about it.

We didn’t have a conversation about it, she just told me, and so to me it feels a little disrespectful to me and our relationship. I know we've not been together long either so maybe I have no right to be involved in her decisions but I would expect to at least have a convo about that because that decision does directly affect us.

I also don’t understand why she needs to go and pretend to people she doesn’t really know and why she wouldn’t have just been able to take that opportunity to explain but I don't know if I am just being selfish like she said.

AITA? I've never been married so I don't know if I have just majorly downplayed everything and been inconsiderate. Honestly appreciate everyone's advice and opinions.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

t_lucas73 said:

NTA...my advice is RUN. She is not over her soon to be ex-husband. All she is worried about is how she looks to others. Partners in relationships consider each other's feelings. From the sound of it she doesn't really care about you. You are her dirty little secret.

The fact that her divorce didn't start until 8 months after you started a relationship is proof. From outside looking in she was trying to have you and her ex-husband at the same time. Or holding on to her ex-husband just incase it didn't work out with you. If your gut is telling you to cut all contact and that what is going on is wrong. Please listen to it.

Bloody_sock_puppet said:

NTA. She's a 44 year old woman who started crying because you don't want her to still go out with her ex.

Boba-Hoe said:

Bro, NTA. She's dancing with old shadows when she should be stepping into the light with you. You ain't selfish for wanting to be known, she played you by saying you don’t understand.

Ok_Chicken2600 said:

NTA. The really weird part is that her soon to be ex husband would even agree to that. If I were in the process of divorcing a woman who has already moved on and has a new boyfriend for almost a year, and then she asks me to show up at her office Christmas party and pretend like everything was fine between us, I would tell her to f off.

That makes me wonder whether her ex might be under the impression that he still has a chance to win her back. Does he even know about you? Is the divorce even really happening?

Difficult_Jury_7455 said:

Absolutely NTA. She is clearly delaying the inevitable with her ex. She only just started the job but wants to take her ex because it's easier....yet they haven't even met him lol.

Why not just take you and say you're the partner if she needs to lie to them. If she's happy to take her ex then imagine how much she'll have to hold hands with him, have pics with him, dance with him all night at the party with drinks flowing. There will no doubt be a drunken kiss mistake before midnight.

deathboyuk said:

Sorry, dude, sounds like you're the side piece. I'm positive around staying friendly with exes. Many of mine are good friends still. But I would never pull that crap in a million years if I was with somebody. Get your sneakers on and runnnnn. NTA.