'AITA for not wanting an equitable split of living costs with my GF because I'll pay more?'
"AITA for telling my girlfriend that we are not living together if I have to pay for our living costs?"
Puzzleheaded_Feed460 writes:
I (28M) met my girlfriend two years ago. She is currently in grad school and lives on a small stipend along with student loans. I earn a fairly comfortable income. My girlfriend wants to move in with me. I live in a house owned by my grandparents and, at their firm insistence, I do not pay rent. My girlfriend’s current rent nearly consumes her entire monthly stipend.
On top of that, she has to cover utilities, food, medical insurance, car insurance, car payments, medical bills, credit card debt, and more. Her landlord is now raising the rent, and she has not been able to find a cheaper place that feels even moderately safe or spacious enough for her and her dog. So, she wants to move in with me.
Right now, one of my close friends lives with me. He pays all the utilities as a form of rent. If my girlfriend moves in, she wants him to move out, which he is totally fine with. I spoke with my girlfriend and said that if she moves in, we should split the joint expenses 50/50. She strongly disagrees and believes we should split costs proportionally to our incomes.
Under that arrangement, I would end up covering almost all the shared expenses. A 50/50 split would still greatly improve her financial situation. Her current living expenses far exceed her stipend, and under a 50/50 split, they would drop to well below it. I would actually be paying more than I do now, since I currently don’t pay any utilities.
I told her that if she insists on a proportional split, then we can’t live together. She is now upset and says I’m causing her unnecessary stress. Her argument is that since we both can technically afford a proportional split, that’s what we should do.
OP posted some clarifications.
Yes, I absolutely love my girlfriend. But we have pretty serious and recurring disagreements about money. Our biggest fights have always revolved around finances. Every summer, she takes a trip and charges it to her credit card.
Last year, she bought a brand-new car and now has a $700/month car payment, which her mother occasionally helps her with. We've had several thoughtful discussions about her spending. She gets defensive and tells me I have no right to weigh in on how she manages her money.
I, on the other hand, am extremely focused on saving. I co-own a small but growing contracting and construction company with a good friend. We started it not long before I met my girlfriend. In fact, I met her while doing renovation work in her apartment complex. Right now, we are very intentionally pinching pennies to build up our financial foundation and hire a dependable, long-term team. So every dollar counts—seriously.
If we were actually pooling our finances, I would be more comfortable with a proportional arrangement. But that’s not what’s happening. My girlfriend still wants to have complete autonomy over how she spends her money, while asking for a proportional split. That’s a major issue for me, and I don’t think it’s fair.
Here are what the people were saying to OP.
Sarge504 says:
IMO, if you're looking to build a life with someone, being aligned in your financial goals and philosophy is very important. I speak from experience.
Twirlmom9504_ says:
Do you see this person as a long term life partner/spouse? If so, then helping her out during school will help both of you in the long run. She will get her credentials that will earn your household more money in the long run. If you just see her as someone for now and not forever, then treat her like a roommate.
Martlet92 says:
What happens if she gets a better paying job than you in the future?
Legitimate-Produce-1 says:
I'm having a hard time coming to any sort of fair opinion here, because I can't reconcile in my mind how at this moment, you are paying absolutely nothing for anything that you are utilizing, and then becoming stubborn about a partner wanting an equitable financial relationship.