'My GF went on a trip with her friends and came back acting different. AITA for caring?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA? Girlfriend went on a trip with her friends and came back acting totally different."

So I (25M) have been with my girlfriend (22F) for about a couple years. We’ve been living together for a few months, and things have mostly been really good. Like yeah, little arguments here and there, but nothing major. Last weekend she went on a trip with her college friends to this lake house/cabin one of their families owns.

It was just the girls, kind of a last summer thing before a couple of them move out of state. I was totally fine with it, told her to go have fun, no issues there. But when she got back, something felt off immediately. Like she walked in, barely looked at me, gave me a quick hug, and then went straight to the bedroom to “unpack.”

She didn’t even really say she missed me or anything. We usually text a bunch when we’re apart but she was kinda distant the whole trip too, like shorter responses and slower replies. Since she’s been back, she’s been weirdly quiet. Not mad, just…distant? She's been zoning out, not really laughing at stuff like she usually does, and just kinda flat when we talk.

I asked her how the trip was and she literally said “it was alright” and then changed the topic. No stories, no funny moments, no pics, nothing. Which is super unlike her. She normally comes back from any outing with like 10 stories and a ton of photos. The other thing is she’s been journaling a lot since she came back.

Which again, not bad, just new. She’s always kinda been into mindfulness and stuff. I asked if everything was okay and she just said she’s tired and processing a lot, whatever that means. I tried pressing gently and she told me I was being “overly clingy” and that she just needs a bit of space. I’ve never been called clingy before so that kinda stung.

I've tried asking her friends if something happened but they kind of brush it off and tell me not to worry. So now I’m just sitting here like...what happened on that trip that made her come back a totally different person?? She’s not mad at me (I think?) but it honestly feels like she left as one version of herself and came back as another. And she won’t let me in at all.

I’m trying not to make a big deal out of it, but I feel like I’m being iced out and I have no clue why.

AITA for feeling really weird and kinda hurt by this? Should I just give her space and stop asking questions? Idk. This just, sucks.

The commenters had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

unfussy_kitten wrote:

NTA. I agree with giving her space to a certain degree but me personally is SO came back acting so distant and zoned out I would be concerned about something traumatic but that's also because I know my SO and she shuts down when something has upset her.

I'd give her a couple more days then come to her and be like "Hey, so I'm worried about you. I'm not upset but I do want to do a mental check in. You've been kinda distant and zoning out. Is something bothering you or on your mind? I'm here for you and I care". I wouldn't even mention "Since you got back from your trip" I'd leave that part open.

She will either A) appreciate your care and give you some insight or B) blow up, to which will be where you will have to just walk away and decide were you want to go from there. Either 1 of 2 thinks happened in my mind. 1) her and her friends got into it or someone hurt her or 2) She cheated or did something she shouldn't have. Either way please update us.

OP responded:

Thank you. Means a lot. I will update, sooner or later, but I'm giving her space now.

Gback27 wrote:

NTA. You know her and her how she is best, trust your gut. What does your gut say? It's not good that she called you "overly clingy" when you pressed her...clearly something is off and that seems like a deflection. I was just talking to someone who came back from a trip with friends acting different. They didn't have the enthusiasm or interest level from before.

Quite frankly idc what happened on her trip or what changed, it was clear that she just wasn't as interested and I just stopped talking to her. We weren't exclusive though so it was much easier to end.

I'd say give her some space, just observe her actions/behavior for a bit. See if there is more that is off or strange. If this continues for a few more days...she is going to have to have a conversation about it. If she is unwilling to communicate then obviously she's checked out. Question, how has your sex life been in recent weeks/months? Usually, if that changes, slows or whatever....not a great sign.

OP responded:

Yeah I'm hoping she's willing to open up after some time. Our s*x life has been great honestly. Well as of recently that is, of course. She's more reserved now anyways so that's a given, but we haven't had any complications in the past. We've both wanted it. And enjoyed it.

Gback27 wrote:

Are her friends single?

OP responded:

Honestly I'm not sure. She has mentioned someone's boyfriend which might be one of the girls' from the group

Effective-Pitch-5550 wrote:

Trust your instincts. No one asks for space from a partner if everything is fine. Her calling you clingy is her telling you nicely to bug off. Something happened which caused her to go into a funk. Unlikely IMO. If she's talking to all her friends, but she's being distant with you specifically that's not normal.

She cheated. Maybe she feels guilty, but at the same time shes not sorry? Maybe she's second guessing her relationship with you?

OP responded:

Idk. I'm not ready to bring up the topic of if she cheated or not. She's always made it clear she values us and our relationship. I trust my instincts but I also need to step back maybe a bit. Thx for you response.

One day later, OP shared an update.

FULL UPDATE:

So yeah...first off thanks to everyone who commented or messaged me, it always helps even a little bit to talk about this. I read everything even if I couldn't reply back to everyone. Some of it helped, some of it tbh just made me feel worse. Still, thanks.

Anyway, getting to the update. It wasn’t really a planned discussion or anything, just kind of happened. I had earlier asked one her friends if something was going on, she again just didn't really open up but told me it wouldn't be her place or job to say. I thought I wouldn't get anything out of her so I just said f#$ it and that I'd try and talk to my gf later.

She came home from work and was just acting off again. The usual. Barely said anything, didn’t eat the dinner I had prepared earlier, almost immediately went for a long walk outside, afterwards went straight to the shower and spent a long time there. Later she kind of just stayed in our bedroom laying about and not really engaging with me.

I haven't seen her writing in her journal today and honestly I don't think much of it. I went in after a while just to ask her about her day, gently, I wasn't pressing or nagging about it, just calmly asked if she could please just talk to me and that I care about her and how she feels.

Told her I wasn’t trying to fight or blame her or anything, I just wanted to understand what’s going on and since we always share everything that it's unfair to keep me in the dark, and that I'd support her either way whatever it was. She didn’t say much, just kept mumbling about not knowing what to say, wasn't really feeling it, she was tired, etc. so I stepped back, spent some time on my own and went for a walk.

Eventually later today she started opening up a little. I guess she had enough time to reflect and gather her thoughts. I’m not gonna put every single word she said here in quotations cause it feels kinda personal and also I’m still trying to process it myself. But basically...yeah.

Something happened on the trip. With her and the girls. She didn’t say word to word what she did, in detail, but made it really clear that it went way past what would be okay in a relationship. Like... way past. There was plans of drinking during the trip. I know my girl drinks and I do too, it has never been a problem.

I was expecting it, I think it's normal and I encourage her always to have fun if she wants to, since I trust her. She's been to raves, parties, etc, and I have never seen a problem with that. It's not my right to limit her hobbies, even if I don't always match her energy. Mind you, she has never been a "heavy" drinker, at least not around me, and we've never had to talk about her alcohol usage.

She has been a well behaving adult for all our relationship and if she has been drunk it has always stayed well in the limits of good taste. She said what happened “wasn’t planned” and that it “just kind of did” and that "she wasn't herself" which honestly just made me feel a knot in my stomach, like she was preparing me for something really really bad.

So I encouraged her to just say it, that she has already said enough for me to not back down now. I deserved to know about this. She said the trip honestly went well regarding to original plan, they drank, went to the sauna by the lake, swam, played games, hung around normal.

Doesn't sound awful right? Sounds like a normal weekend trip to me with friends. So later that night they had been drinking more, partying, listening to music, enjoying themselves. Some of them were drinking and hanging out in the hot tub and some of them had hung around inside the cabin playing a board game and talking.

My gf kind of talks in circles about this and tries proving during our talk how it was in the end a good trip and that they all enjoyed it. Eventually tho she gets to the point and tells me why she's been down. Later in the evening someone had suggested they do a drinking game, honestly don't see an issue with that since I like partying and games too, it's all just good fun within it's limits.

They had played bottle spin, the usual, with a twist of drinking or doing the dare. A couple of the girls were pushing it, encouraging it. She admitted she went along with it and wanted to play along, but the way she said it... idk. She looked ashamed and kind of said it quiet.

The dares had been innocent and normal first, kind of tame stuff. the usual you hear everywhere. Who is your celebrity crush, what's your darkest secret, sing a particular song, and I imagine the rest would be along those lines.

But they had gotten out of hand as the game went on and more drinks were consumed. Some of the girls had dared others to kiss each other, pick out their marry/fuck/kills, pour drinks into each others mouths, and stuff like that, obviously sounds to me like something that can lead to something very bad very quickly.

My gf says she didn't know better or deny a good time. She says she felt it was fun in the moment and didn't feel that she did anything wrong, and it was all consensual and nobody minded it, and that it's normal for girls to do after getting tipsy. And that she doesn't even remember everything that well and had a hangover the next day, and says she isn't even sure if she did anything.

And that she felt bad cause "she obviously doesn't like girls that way" or that she normally doesn't do these kind of things and only kind of watches from the side. She never explicitly says what she participated in and what exact actions she took during the game but talks like she's guilty, so it's all a bit confusing.

sigh...

There was one girl there with them on the trip. let's call her Ellie.

I’ve met her, she's the fun easygoing type and the one I mentioned earlier in my post that doesn't seem like she would hurt me or her in any way. I asked my gf if she was there since I knew she was with them and that I wanted to know if I was totally wrong about her. (Honestly wanted to know if they all sucked and played along knowing she has a boyfriend)

My gf said Ellie hadn't participated and kind of left the cabin when things started happening. She had mentioned she's not well and that she would be sitting this out, and just kind of left and came back later in the night. They had talked later that night outside but she says nothing happened between them.

Which honestly, I believe, and don't know why she brought it up since Ellie's actions don't sound suspicious anyway and I wouldn't have expected her to do anything "between them", so this just feels like a weird extra detail that she added in.

(Also I'm not saying it would've been Ellie's duty to tell anyone off , I honestly just wanted to know if I was wrong about her and if everyone there were alright with everything...) My gf said she hasn’t talked to her or the girls much after the trip. Want you all to know I didn’t yell at her or get angry. just kind of sat there.

I didn't know at first how to respond since she didn't sound like her usual considerate self...she kept saying she didn’t know why she shut down and she’s been feeling horrible since. That she didn’t know how to tell me and that she has needed time to word her thoughts. We've been distant with each other after the talk and it's just this heaviness between us since she got back and now I know why.

I don’t even know what to do now. I told her I needed space and went out for a walk, came back, kind of just sit there in the living room not really even looking at her. Am I treating her the same way now? I'm shutting her out and ignoring the problem, the elephant in the room, not acknowledging things are f#$ked.

Obviously I shouldn't be ok with this I don't see a life without her...so her behavior is hard to accept. Should I sleep tonight somewhere else, if I should break it off immediately, everything is just a mess in my head and I don't know what to do or how to approach it.

I've never been the confrontational type either. I love her. I really do. But I don’t know if I can look at her the same way again. Not just because of what she maybe did but because she came home and shut me out, made me feel like I was crazy, for even noticing something was wrong, I feel like this is something she should've told immediately.

This obviously affects us. Idk even know if there's "us" after this. We've set clear boundaries in our relationship and never crossed them...the fact she's still leaving details out bothers me. Anyway. That’s where I’m at. Not really looking for advice right now, you're free to comment though and tell me your thoughts. Just needed to get this all out of my head. This feels like a dream and not the good kind

Edit 1: I've phoned her friend, this time demanding further answers, since I can't get them from my gf. she confirmed that there were more people joining them over the weekend than just their initial girl friend group and that she wouldn't know what to tell me, since she "really didn't care" and told to go over it with my gf if I was so concerned.

Granted I was emotional and raised my voice since I'm desperately trying to get a clear answer here. She and Ellie is the only one I can reach since I don't know any of the others contacts. I'm so done fishing for answers when no one gives me anything, it all seems useless. I'm not home at the moment and don't feel like going.

•Edit 2: I will be making an update later. everything's kind of overwhelming and I need to sort things out for myself and think of my plans going forward. I've read through your comments, like I said I'm not looking for advice really, just needed to write these thoughts out somewhere. A couple people have reached out to me directly to offer support, I'm glad and I thank these people for that.

The comments kept coming.

MeanTemperature1267 wrote:

This is always going to be a cloud over your relationship (if you continue to remain in it) until she is completely honest with you. You cannot forgive/rebuild from something when you only have guesses and ideas as to what actions were taken to violate your relationship. You're owed the truth, whatever else comes of this.

And no, kissing/intimate touching/oral/f#$king are not things that we as women just...happen to do with one another when we're tipsy. That's not how drinking works. Sure, it lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment, but it does not flip some bi-curious switch that we can't resist! If it did, "Ellie" would have had no reason to retreat to her cabin and avoid whatever happened.

You're being trickle-truthed and gaslit, though at this point, let's just call it what it is: You're being lied to about having been cheated on. At the very least, I'd advise first and foremost: no sex until STI testing has taken place. Second: The truth -all of it- must come out if there's any hope of repairing this relationship, if that is worth your time and effort.

Absoma wrote:

First of all remember your happiness isn't determined by whether or not you guys stay together. Sounds like she cheated. Guess what? A lot of people get blackout drunk and don't cheat. Maybe she got drunk it lowered her inhibitions and turns out she is bisexual. Drinking is not an excuse.

Sure she is embarrassed but she did what she did and needs to come to terms with it. My gf says she didn't know better or deny a good time. She says she felt it was fun in the moment and didn't feel that she did anything wrong, and it was all consensual and nobody minded it, and that it's normal for girls to do after getting tipsy.

Going down on each other or whatever they did is not a normal thing for girls to do after getting tipsy. She is trying to normalize what happened. My ex went to a party and slept with her exboyfriend. She swore for years she was drunk out of her mind. She lied. Do what you need to.

Fine-Gas-1898 wrote:

She's obviously trickle truthing. If she didn't have any idea what happened then she wouldn't have been so depressed the last couple of days. She knows. You don't have to set a deadline for her, you have to set a deadline for yourself. Tell her that if she hasn't come 100% clean by tomorrow then the two of you are over. And then act on it immediately.

There's no excuse whatsoever for her not to have come clean already. If you think she's still not telling you the truth, then you need to have a phone call with someone else who was there and who will listen to her when she tells that person to be 100% honest with you. If you still doubt the level of honestly then just bounce out of this relationship. In reality, she's already ended it with her behavior.

A day later, OP shared another update.

I finally had a proper conversation with Ellie. It wasn’t quick, we talked all evening. she didn’t seem to want to at first, but eventually she opened up. She was the only one who wasn’t drinking or participating, and i respect her for being straight with me.

She told me that:

The group was drinking heavily, and at one point, some of the girls invited a few guys over who were staying nearby. (guys I had no idea would be there). Says she's not sure if this was the plan all along or if it was the girls idea to do so in the moment, she didn't at least know about it beforehand. The drinking game started getting more intense with the guys involved.

According to her, my girlfriend ended up making out with two different people, one of the girls (btw same girl who told me not to worry about it and wouldn't give answers when I contacted her originally) and one of the guys. There was a lot of touching that wasn’t just playful.

As far as Ellie knows, she didn't "f" anyone, she says she left and doesn't know the happenings afterwards, but it was far past anything I’d ever be okay with, and definitely past anything we ever agreed was acceptable in our relationship. What hit me the hardest was how according to Ellie, my girlfriend wasn’t even that drunk at that point. Tipsy, sure but not blacked out or out of control.

She had been laughing, very involved, and didn’t seem pressured. She wasn’t “out of it” like she tried to make it sound. Ellie left because she was uncomfortable, and when she returned later, my gf was still full on party mode and her talking was all blurry and she was a mess. I've talked with my gf (well, my now ex) over the phone but all I got was mumbles or silent treatment.

I full on said I know what she did and that she could at least admit to me before I break it off. Asked if I meant anything to her or if all our time together has been fake or just an act for her. Asked about how long she has had problems with her drinking, since I've always thought of her a mature and smart woman.

She was sobbing and told me she could help me understand if I came home and she could make up for it and even if she did do it she still loved me. So I’m done. I can't stay in something where I’m lied to, gaslit, and made to feel like I’m overreacting for noticing something is off.

She came home and shut down instead of being honest. She let me stay confused, even when trying to comfort her, when she should’ve been honest the second she walked through the door (hell she should've admitted as soon as it happened) Not that it would've made it right what she did.

Some people here messaged me privately to offer support. Honestly had no idea that existed. I'm in no need for that but I'm thankful anyway. Thank you. Some have helped more than you would have had to. Others, though, have been blowing up my DMs, sent hate messages, called me names, told me I was pathetic for how I handled it.

Someone asked for my ex's socials so they can "have fun with her since I don't know how to", some have told they straight up don't believe me. Which, fair, you're not supposed to take everything at face value what you read. But to those people: Congrats, I don't know what you expected me to answer, but you added nothing of value to my life.

I've realized it was probably a mistake to start posting about this online at all in the first place. This will be the last update. I’m moving forward. Don't expect further updates. Thanks to the ones who cared and my heart goes out to anyone who's dealing with anything similar. You're important and you deserve better, love yourself and know your worth.

The commenters continued to weigh in with their thoughts.

Odd_Guard_8817 wrote:

That trickle truth man, it hurts. I knew it, she was definitely down playing it to gauge your reaction to the make up session with a girl to avoid the real kicker, which is she having some fun time with another dude.

Yeah, she is a lost cause, trust is gone. Don't ever go back to this man, keep your heads held high, because Ellie shows you that not everyone is like that. There are woman out there that can be true to themselves and avoid issues like this with sound of mind.

Do yourself a favor and know that you trusted your gut, you didn't step down when it got tough. You asked questions, you poked when it got difficult. You did all that you could, she made many choices that ended up ruining the relationship. But know that, it would have happened anyways. If it wasn't this trip, it would have happened elsewhere.

You are lucky that it happened right now, so that you aren't wasting more of your time with someone that isn't worthy of your time and effort. Find a hobby to let off some steam, working out, running and boxing are all great, not only will you let off steam, you also get healthier from doing it. Good luck dude. It does get better.

tunajalepenobbqsauce wrote:

"She was definitely down playing it to gauge your reaction to the make up session with a girl to avoid the real kicker, which is she having some fun time with another dude."

Both are bad, actually.

MyDirtyAlt79 wrote:

Yeah, Ellie was the only good person out of that entire group. I'm glad she was willing to open up to you about that weekend when no one else would. Get your stuff, get a new place, and get all of this mess well and fully behind you. Best of luck in the future, man.