'My GF of a year slept with another guy while we were 'taking it slow' a month into dating me.' UPDATED

"My (27M) GF (22F) of a year slept with another guy while we were 'taking it slow' a month into dating me."

I have been with this girl I'll call Jess for close to a year now. Since specifics matter here, we started dating around last Thanksgiving, but it was only about a month later when we said were in an official relationship. I really liked this girl from the get-go and we've gotten very close since then, and were actually planning of moving together soon.

Here's a problem, recently Jess and I ran into a guy at a small get-together with mutual friends. They exchanged a weird look like there was something between them but I didn't think too much of it at the time. During the party something came up about the place Jess went to for a date (the time was clear since it was a Christmas market in my town) and again I thought something was off about the guy.

Well later that night I actually get a text from him (he got my number from one of the mutual friends), but said "hey I don't know you but I thought you should know that Jess and I hooked up right after Christmas." I confronted Jess about this and I could tell she tensed up right away. She got this sad look on her face, but confessed right away.

She said she had met this guy on Tinder and hooked up a couple of times but stopped any contact before we became official. She said she wasn't sure we would get into a relationship at that time but she still felt bad that I found out this way. She said she considered telling me but was afraid it would ruin things between us.

I told her I needed some time to think and proceeded to get drunk that night and ignored her texts. The thing is I feel very betrayed and I am really considering ending things. Sure we weren't "official" when this happened, but we had already been on multiple dates at that time, and I thought it was pretty clear that we were moving towards a full fledged relationship.

On my side, I had no interest in pursuing other girls at that point because I only wanted to be with Jess. And on her end she was definitely hinting at us evolving into a couple and strongly hinting at exclusivity. The other part that kills me is that during this early stage, Jess specifically said she wanted to take things slow physically until we knew each other better.

But during this same time she hooks up with a guy she barely knew from Tinder? When I asked her this she said it's different because she took it slow with me specifically because she thought we would get into a relationship, but it was somehow different with a casual hookup. That logic makes ZERO sense to me.

I don't really want to talk about with my friends because I think they would hate Jess if end up staying together. But I would like to hear opinions on here. Would you stay in a relationship like this if things were going well but the beginning was so shady?

TL;DR: My GF met up and hooked up with a guy while we were dating but not official while she was "taking it slow" with me.

The internet was quick to share their thoughts.

Hardline61 wrote:

In my opinion, if you're dating someone and moving towards a serious relationship you DON"T FREAKING BANG OTHER PEOPLE! This would be a deal breaker for me, but you do you man. If you can't get past it then end it.

OP responded:

Yea that's how I feel as well. It would have been one thing if she was just talking to other guys in the early stages while we where still defining things. Of course that's fine and normal.

But it feels like a slap in the fact that she found another guy to sleep with after we had already gone on quite a few dates and I made it clear I thought we were moving towards a serious relationship, which she seemed to also acknowledge. There is no way she didn't know I would feel hurt that she did that.

Ancient-Party wrote:

All other things aside, it does make sense (for me) to take things slow with someone I'm pursuing a relationship with, but it doesn't matter for casual s#$/flings. I am thoroughly not into dating multiple people, though.

MaySangriaTwenty wrote:

Totally agree with the first part. Also, not that it matters here but it’s a common thing. While I never talk to more than one person at a time. I know there a plenty of people, men and women, who do. To them, if it’s not an official relationship it’s not a problem or issue. For me, I literally can’t do it because that’s just not who I am.

NiceRat123 wrote:

I would probably dump her. Sure there was no true "exclusivity" talk but I would be upset finding out that I had to wait "because I'm such a great catch" that sex can be denied because of it, yet some rando on Tinder can hook up right off the bat. Look, I get it. Her body. Her rules. She can sleep with everyone or no one.

The point is, why the f do people uses these "hints" about wanting to have a relationship but need to try out a few more models to make sure. I mean it really feels like being strung along... "We need to take it slow" which should be code for "I don't want to rush this and get hurt" not "Take it slow with YOU but not HIM." This is just how I would personally view it.

TurtleDive1234 wrote:

Unless you guys were exclusive, then you don't have a leg to stand on, in my opinion. If you wanted both of you to not see/date/have sex with other people, it should have been a conversation and agreement between the two of you. She can't read your mind.

As to hooking up with someone from Tinder, I understand it completely. There is a vast difference between casual s*x and s#x with someone you are developing feelings for. I, and many other men and women, are able to compartmentalize this because we understand that s#$ is largely a physical activity that humans do.

Be very careful of the advice you are getting here - the internet skews very young. Women aren't devalued just because they've had casual s#$. (Neither are men, of course!) If you can't get over this, then I suggest you are 100% explicit with the next girl about your feelings AND expectations.

A little over three weeks later, OP shared an update.

As the title says, I decided to break up with Jess. I kept going back and forth because I was worried I was throwing away a great thing over something that happened in the past. But the problem is I thought I really wouldn't able to get past it. I can't help what she did was really sh#$ty.

Yes, I know that technically she did not cheat. But she knew that I wanted a real relationship and that we were potentially moving in that direction. But, meanwhile she expected me to plan (and pay for) interesting dates, court her and prove that I was "worthy" of her while she happily hooked up with randos who basically did nothing but show an interest in f#$king. F that.

In a follow up conversation it also came up that her friends sort of guided her to act like this. That she should basically allow herself to have fun and to keep her casual options open but with me to "make me work for it" and show that I wasn't just looking for s@x but was capable of being a committed partner.

The whole thing just seems so manipulative and ugly, and these were also mutual friends who I considered to be nice girls and now my friends as well. Now I never want to see any of those pieces of shit ever again. Anyway, I know this is starting to sound a bit like a rant lol, but I felt pretty pissed off and basically called it quits.

The actual breakup was actually quite unpleasant. No harsh words were exchanged, but Jess cried and we kind of talked about some happy times. I guess that's the hardest part about this, like I don't think she is a bad girl and maybe we could have had a nice future together like we did over the past few months.

But in the end, I do think I made the right decision, I want to be with someone who treats me well from the get-go, not someone who manipulates me while playing games just so she can have her cake and eat it too.

The internet kept their feedback coming.

mskitty117 wrote:

Moral of the story is, if you want to be with someone ask for exclusivity explicitly. No confusion or hurt feelings then.

burgle_ur_turts wrote:

Seems like he did ask for exclusivity, and she didn’t want it. OP’s mistake was in waiting around for her to make up her mind.

SuperGRB wrote:

"The whole thing just seems so manipulative and ugl ...I want to be with someone who treats me well from the get-go, not someone who manipulates me while playing games just so she can have her cake and eat it too."

Spot on. You made the right decision. I would never tolerate being with someone who felt the need to use the technical excuse "we weren't official" to play the field - its complete BS and show a complete lack of class and respect.

Furthermore, someone who is so intent on dating multiple guys at the same time is likely someone that a lot of guys would not consider for any sort of serious relationship.

If they are so needy for attention that it takes multiple guys every few weeks to fill their "social calendar", and they have to have an app to manage scheduling all of their dates, then that is not relationship material for most men. Most men are not interested in getting serious with the town bicycle.

This could have all been avoided if she would have just been upfront about her intent to continue to see others. It shouldn't have been left up to assume that she wasn't. Of course, she knew he would probably dump her if she would have told him, so it is likely he would have had to asked.

While it may be acceptable in "modern dating" for women to be going through guys like potato chips, most guys that are looking for something serious are avoiding these types. It would be far simpler if the people were just honest up-front about who they are, what they are planning on doing, and what they have been doing in the past.

That way, both parties can make an informed decision quickly. If the guys doesn't want to go out with a woman that is dating multiple guys casually, or is into casual s#$, or has a huge list of previous partners, then finding this out early lets him avoid wasting any time on someone that isn't going to be a match. Similarly, the girl can avoid wasting time on someone that isn't a match for her.

josiebadcat wrote:

You also want to be with someone with enough confidence to make her own decisions, and who lives her values. Not her girlfriends’ values.