'My girlfriend is angry that she's set herself up to fail and I am entirely unsympathetic.'

"My (38M) girlfriend (33F) is angry that she's set herself up to fail and I am entirely unsympathetic."

I (38M) am a self-employed building surveyor. A week before Christmas, a client got in touch and asked if I could facilitate an urgent job between Christmas and New Year. Having no kids and very little else to do in that period, and with the money being offered being substantial for the rush job, I agreed to two days work, today and tomorrow (29th/30th December).

The client is great, the money is great, and I had no other plans. The work is in London, I live in the north of England, so it's hotel stays for me as is the norm for my business, staying Sunday night til Tuesday night and travelling back on Wednesday (New Years Eve) to enjoy the festivities. I told my girlfriend (33F) about this work I'd taken on and she immediately wanted to come with me.

I asked why and she said we could have a nice break in the capital and spend some time together. I told her that this isn't a holiday, it's work, and that she's welcome to join me if she can entertain herself but I'm working so she better not moan about me getting up at 6am. She said this was fine, she could see some friends and go to the markets, the shops, tourist stuff etc

So I added her name to the hotel room and booked her a train ticket (central London, I'm not paying a fortune to park 45 mins away from site). We travelled yesterday afternoon and got to the hotel, where the first issue arose. It's a budget hotel, part of a large chain that I regularly use, with very basic facilities. She didn't think it was nice enough for a "romantic break."

I reminded her this is NOT a romantic break and I'm not spending business income on anything I don't need, like a swanky hotel room, and the room was booked before she asked to join. She pulled her face a bit but didn't say anything else about it. I got to my usual work routine, unpacking clothing, putting tools on to charge, then went to scout the property and nearby amenities.

I told her I was off to do this, checked if she needed anything from the shops and headed out, with her just getting into the shower as I left. I returned about an hour later with my usual haul of bottled water, protein bars and bananas which sees me through the working day 'til I find usually a kebab house or similar for a hot evening meal.

I'm not poor by any means, but whatever is spent when away still comes out of my profits so I try to stay reasonably cheap. When I returned, around 6pm by this time, she was dressed up in a nice outfit and part way through putting her makeup on. I assumed she'd made plans with a friend so asked her where she was going.

She got quite angry at this and snapped at me to put my "nice clothes" on so we could go out. I pointed out that I had not brought any nice clothes, and that I wasn't going out as I had work the next morning. This went down like a lead balloon.

She immediately started crying and saying I'd ruined her plans for a nice meal at some restaurant she'd apparently made a reservation for. I again reminded her that I'm not on holiday, I'm up at 6am and I was doing nothing more than eating, sleeping and playing on my Switch 2, which aggravated her more; cue more tears and another complaint about the hotel not being nice enough.

I told her she's upset entirely due to her own actions and refusal to listen to me and that I was not sympathetic to her tears when she unilaterally decided my work trip was our romantic getaway. She locked herself in the bathroom so I went out and got us some food. By the time I returned, she seemed to have reflected upon everything and apologised to me.

She'd gotten changed into her comfies. We ate, chilled out for a bit doomscrolling then watched a film before bed. I set my alarm for the morning and reminded her I was up at 6, then got in bed whilst she was finishing up in the bathroom. As she comes out of the bathroom, she makes a big thing about looking at her.

As I had literally just got my head on the pillow I told her whatever it was could wait to tomorrow and to get in bed. She shouted at me "I've put in all this effort and you're not even going to look?!" so I reluctantly roll over, grab my glasses, flick the bedside lamp on and look over to see her in a very s*xy maid's outfit with all the trimmings.

She climbed onto the bed and immediately started trying to initiate sex, but I stopped her, told her yes she looked amazing but it's nearly midnight, I'm up in a few hours and need to get some rest. She shouted "well screw you" and locked herself in the bathroom again.

I took my glasses off, flicked the light off and rolled back over to sleep. I'm not sure exactly how long afterwards (I was in a semi-sleep state) she got into bed, gave me a hug and said she's sorry for shouting. I get up the next morning, got showered and dressed quietly then gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, said I love her, was off to work and left.

It was a pretty normal working day, nothing of note, and I left around 6pm getting back to the hotel just before half past. She was in the room when I got back and asked if she'd had a good day, she said she'd been shopping as was evidenced by the various bags scattered around the place. I go get in the shower and when I come out she tells me she's laid clothes out for me.

I look on the bed to find a whole brand new outfit, shirt, trousers and shoes. I told her thanks but I was getting onto my comfy gear since I'd been in work gear all day and she snapped "you're not going out in your scruffs!" which caught me off guard, so I asked "why not?" which led to her informing me we were going for food and drinks with a friend of hers and the friends husband.

I lost it at this point. This was the 3rd time in about 24 hours I'd reminded her I'm here for work, not whatever stupid ideas she had in her head. She got upset at me calling her ideas stupid, but I countered with the fact that unilaterally planning romantic ideas on a "working trip" was "incredibly stupid," which caused her to start crying.

I told her I'm not interested in her crocodile tears, she's a full grown woman who has elected to ignore everything she's been told, make plans for others they've no interest nor capability in undertaking, and she's now upset because she isn't getting what she wanted.

She said I didn't care about her which I flipped right back, pointing out she'd literally decided to ignore everything I'd told her repeatedly, and so she could sulk from now until 2036 if she wants but she's entirely at fault for this and I'm taking no responsibility for her being upset as it's wholly self-inflicted.

She was bawling her eyes out at this point so I got dressed and went out to get food, texting her to let me know if she wanted anything.

She immediately replied saying she's going home (open return train ticket thankfully). I got back to the hotel about 30 minutes ago and she has indeed packed up her stuff and left. I'm now sat alone in my hotel room, picking at the food I got for her, struggling with one simple question: how could I have made it any clearer that my work trip is not our romantic getaway?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

TheGuchie wrote:

I'm just going to guess, you have a routine that you do when you go on these trips and you really love that routine, just going to work, eating your protein bars, getting your kebab and chilling playing your switch, its like your "me" time. She disrupted that, you thought you could have it and she could just go to the shops and leave you alone and you became entirely uncompromising with the trip.

Relationships are built on the fact you will do things from time to time you don't necessarily want to do, but do cause it makes your partner happy, You spent the entire weekend rejecting your partner in every way you could possibly imagine, why the hell would she stay with you?

midwitch32 wrote:

I don't think this is going to work out mate. Yes you're right, this was a business trip. You were very clear this is a business trip. But unless you consider binary thinking a prized personality trait, there was plenty of room to compromise to have your cake and eat it. You could work, go out to dinner and get laid.

This became more about you digging your heels in and being right than anything else. If you don't have the ability to compromise, then relationships are not something you should have in your life. Her not listening is definitely an issue. Is this normal behaviour for her? If it is, then that isn't compatible for relationships either.

CereberalWeevil wrote:

You told her not to complain about you waking up at 6 am, doesn't sound like she did. Not being a romantic getaway is different from you being completely unwilling to do anything at all with her, you should have told her you'd be ignoring her the entire trip.

It's not okay for her to make plans without talking about them, but you talk about her (and from what you've said, to her) like you dislike her so she's probably picking up on you disliking her and trying to connect.

coffeegirl2277 wrote:

Just a thought here…again while you were absolutely clear about what the situation was, could it be that you were so unrelentingly strict because you wanted to “teach her a lesson “ to never ask to go with again?

So it was to punish her for coming? To teach her a lesson? To control the situation so she was miserable? I’m just throwing it out there. I could be completely off base. Just questioning the rigidity of your stance. As I said, I could be 100% off base.

OMGitsJOE wrote:

Ehh, listen. I travel for work a fair bit and sometimes my wife will join me. Often if she comes, it's a nice area/nice ish hotel, but sometimes not. I'm an environmental engineer and do contract work that can often be something like 6AM-6PM so I get it, I love getting back to the hotel, showering and chilling until bed.

But if she made the effort to come down with me, I will absolutely plan at least 1-2 date nights while we're there. One job, we'd eat dinner and just walk around a mall just to do something. She even heard you say you didn't have any nice clothes and then got some for you. That's super sweet of her. You gotta care more, man.