'AITA because my proposal wasn't up to my GF's standards and not redoing it?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA because my (M21) proposal didn't meet my GF's (F21) expectations?"
Axelbarillas writes:
For context, my girlfriend and I have been together for six years, and over Thanksgiving weekend, I took her on a weeklong trip to Hawai’i with the intention of proposing to her. I even asked her parents for their blessing and showed them the ring a couple of days before we left for the trip.
We have talked about marriage before, and we’ve both agreed that we want to marry each other, so the idea of it is nothing new and is actually a frequent topic. The issue is that she wanted a grand wedding proposal similar to the ones you might see on TikTok or Instagram: big “MARRY ME” letters on the beach, rose petals on the ground, lights, mariachi, etc.
I was absolutely on board with doing that for her if it made her happy, but that was something to be planned at a beach back home since I wouldn’t have the resources to plan it during a trip to somewhere we’d never been.
This was especially true because we booked everything as a last-minute vacation just five days prior, ironically after she sent me videos of people vacationing in Hawaii. I believed this would still be a great opportunity.
I planned to propose to her on the day we arrived. I carried the ring in my pocket all day, waiting for a good opportunity to ask her. Knowing it wasn’t going to be a grand proposal like she had hoped, I thought that, given the circumstances, she would still be happy. However, we had some completely unnecessary arguments, and I decided to postpone because I didn’t want to propose after a bitter day.
On the second day there, we had booked a reservation to go parasailing. I didn’t want to risk losing the ring, so I left it back at the hotel. We didn’t get back to the hotel until around 5 p.m., and we started getting ready to go back out into the city. By this time, it was already starting to get dark.
She has said before that she would want a sunset proposal, and knowing that I couldn’t organize any of the other things she had in mind for a proposal, the sunset was the only thing I had. I missed my chance at that, but we still went out for dinner and drinks.
We came back to the hotel afterward because she was tired (I was too—it was an eventful day). I let her rest for a bit, and around 10:30, I convinced her to go on a night walk with me on the beach.
This was when I planned to propose to her. We got to the beach; the city was very much still awake, and the lights of the buildings and streets combined with the bright moon illuminated the ocean beautifully.
We stood there hugging and kissing, both knowing it was a beautiful and intimate moment. I started telling her how much I love her and how I want to be with her my entire life, etc. As I started to get on one knee and reached into my pocket for the ring, she stopped me.
“I hope you’re not about to propose to me right now. This isn’t what I expected.” My heart dropped. I got back up and stood speechless before starting to walk back to the hotel. I was in no mood to talk about the situation and told her we should talk about it tomorrow.
We talked about it the next day, and she insisted on me doing it again, but this time “the right way” during sunset. I told her I couldn’t do that because she had already rejected me. She told me she didn’t reject it, just that it wasn’t how she would have wanted it to happen. We spent the next four days in Hawaii in a very tense state, but we had to deal with it until we got back home.
We live together, and on the first night back, she went to sleep at her parents’ house. Now she has come back, but I don’t want to be home with her there.What can be the outcome of the situation? I obviously didn’t want this to happen during our vacation, but I can’t see it any other way. Is this a valid reason for me not wanting to be with her anymore? I also don’t think it’s right for me to redo the proposal.
Here are the top comments with OP's responses to them.
Duzzy-Bench2784 says:
You dodged a bullet. You shouldn’t be proposing at 21. At what beach was it?
OP responded:
Waikīkī beach, we stayed right in front. I figured a nighttime proposal wouldn’t be bad since she has also said she wouldn’t want it to be too “public”
DangerNoodle1993 says:
Better now then later. But I must ask, were there any warning signs before because I have a feeling you may have overlooked character flaws. NTA
OP responded:
There was definitely warning signs. I got her a designer bag one time for her birthday ($2,700 LV) and after that she told me she wants a bag for all her birthdays. One year money was tight so i got her a $550 Coach bag which she later joked was cheap. She’s worn the LV once..
OP posted an update the next day.
So we had another conversation about it once she came back home from her parents. She’s still adamant that I failed to meet her expectations. Admittedly, I understand I didn’t do any of the things she had visualized.
I want to emphasize that we’re young, and the proposals she’s seen on social media are nothing but TRENDS. These proposals have become popular in maybe the last year or two. Prior to that, she told me she wanted an intimate proposal, especially away from the public.
People are telling me I’m wrong because I knew exactly what she wanted and didn’t do it. She also tells me that a proposal is solely about the female and what she wants. I think that’s bulls%#t.
I know I’ve told her that I was on board with doing her fantasy proposal, yet I changed my mind about that. I didn’t want to plan this huge thing at my hometown beach just for the spectacle of it. I preferred to do it in a way I knew we’d both enjoy—IN HAWAII ESPECIALLY.
Something that really bugs me is that she says I made the trip seem like “just another trip, nothing crazy or out of the ordinary.” This is literally our first-ever vacation flight together. The same night that happened, we had brunch, went parasailing, and had a wonderful teppanyaki dinner.
Am I selfish for changing the whole proposal without consulting her? I don’t understand why some people say I’m selfish for not doing what she wanted. I still did something that objectively should make any woman ecstatic.
I think my focus now is shifting from wondering if it’s okay for me to break up with her for turning me down to wanting to break up because of her ungratefulness in general.
Another reason why she said it wasn’t up to her expectations was that we were both dressed casually. She wanted me to give her prior notice that something special was going to happen by telling her to get glammed up.
NOTE: To the people asking why I couldn’t propose the next day at sunset: another requirement for her proposal was for her dog to be there, which she told me at that same minute after saying it wasn’t what she expected. She absolutely adores this dog and has always told me she wants him to be the ring bearer at our wedding.
Sure thing—if it makes her happy, I really don’t mind. The issue is she also wanted that to be the case for the proposal, which I was absolutely unaware of (and obviously, we didn’t take the dog with us). She was just too focused on how she wanted the proposal rather than just being excited about being with me.
OP posted a second update two days later.
We had the breakup talk. My girlfriend has always been a bit self-centered. I’ve known that and have been able to put up with it. About four months ago, she started having therapy sessions. I don’t know how long they last, what days they are, or what they talk about.
I do know that she has become an entirely different person. She’s been more compassionate and cooperative with me (the things I’ve always wished for her to be more of)—this caused me to be fully ready to commit to a life with her, hoping this new mentality was permanent.
Anyway, she talked to her therapist and told me that her therapist asked her one question: “Do you like surprises?” She tells her, of course, she does. She explains to her that, as her boyfriend, I most likely knew that and was trying to do something heartfelt and unscripted.
No mariachi, glamorous dress, or big letters—just us two. Her therapist further tells her that if she truly felt in her heart that she wants to live a life with me, all of the other superficial stuff shouldn’t matter.
She’s apologizing to me, telling me she really regrets doing that and assuring me she would’ve said yes anyway. My biggest regret is I’ll never really know what she would’ve said, though in my gut, I’m not 100% sure she would’ve said yes. Her first thoughts when that was happening were completely dismissive of me and disrespectful, something that, for once, I feel like I can’t take anymore.
I’m standing my ground, telling her I’ve swallowed my pride way too many times in the past, and we should go through with it. I’ll be sleeping on the couch, she’ll be packing her things tomorrow, and she’ll be going to live with her parents.