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'My girlfriend didn't tell me that she had kids and I'm really angry about it.' UPDATED 4X

'My girlfriend didn't tell me that she had kids and I'm really angry about it.' UPDATED 4X


Communication is key in a relationship, but slowing down before reacting is also key.

"My (28M) girlfriend (25F) didn't tell me that she had kids and I'm really angry about it."

I am 28M and my girlfriend Kat is 25F, we've been together for a little over 2 years. Our relationship has been pretty awesome, she really lights up my life and I adore her. Yesterday I was helping Kat move to her new house, everything was normal until the bottom of the box that I was carrying up to her room fell through and it all ended up on the floor.

Everything that was in the box was ok except this small wooden/wicker box that split a little bit around the hinges for the lid. Because of the way that the little box split a photo had slid out, I opened the lid so that I could put the photo back in.

I wasn't trying to snoop at all but I decided to look at some of the photos, it was a lot of family and pets and friends from different places and life stages, a memories type of thing. Then I came across a few photos of Kat in a hospital bed holding two newborn babies followed by more pictures of the babies.

I kind of froze and my stomach twisted. Kat walked into the room and saw me sitting on the floor with the baby pictures and she looked horrified. We didn't say anything for a few moments and then she sat on the floor in front of me and asked if I had any questions about what I had just found.

I asked her if these are her babies and she started crying while nodding yes. I felt myself get angry and I asked her why she would hide them from me, we've been together for over two years and we were starting to plan our future, I told her that I don't want to be a step-dad and she had told me that she didn't want to have children!

At this point I was yelling (I've never yelled at her before) and she was just crying, not saying anything until she blurted out "they're d*ad".

I didn't have anything to say and I couldn't stand to look at her so I left. I decided to call my parents and I told them everything that I put in this post.

My dad says that I need to talk to her and that I was rude and unempathetic in the way that I handled things and my mom totally reamed me out for "walking out on a good woman who has clearly gone through something traumatic enough that she never wanted to talk about it because I couldn't handle myself for 10 minutes to let her explain."

My best friend thinks that I'm justified though. She's been trying to call me and sending me texts asking to meet with her so that she can explain everything but I just feel betrayed and confused. I don't know where to go from here.

Commenters were opinionated.

[Deleted] commenter wrote:

I can see why you feel like you were blindsided and lied to and it's a big secret she kept from you. But have you stopped at all to consider that the trauma of losing her babies has been so much that she hadn't wanted to relive their memory to you? That she was scared of this very reaction from you?

They died bro. It's not like they been hiding in the closet while she waits for you to marry her to yell "surprise you're a daddy now!" Bit of sympathy and a chance for her to explain is warranted. Don't be a douche.

OP responded:

I think I also feel really weird about knowing that another man got her pregnant and I know that's stupid.

Forsaken_Woodpecker1 wrote:

The woman that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with lost two children, and you made it about yourself.

.....................that's a new level.

OP responded:

I never thought about it like that.

EPH613 responded:

HOW?? How did you never think about it like that?! She told you straight out that her children died! She's only 25, so they had to have died before she was 23, so she lost two babies at an incredibly young age.

Your selfishness was literally breathtaking - I felt like I got hit in the chest with a sledgehammer when I read that you walked out on her. Lord have mercy on that woman. I hope she finds someone with some compassion.

OP responded:

Because just like so many people have been saying, I've been too wrapped up in my own emotions to think about it any other way but I see that now.

The-Rioter wrote:

Honestly, Kat deserves better. Your response to her was over the top and probably just added to her trauma surrounding her children. You claim that you're planning your future with her, but the moment that something unexpected happens, you didn't communicate with her. You didn't listen. You immediately lashed out and berated her without taking at all.

And when she told you the truth, instead of showing sympathy to someone you claim you love and want to spend your future with for her loss, you got angry and left! You "couldn't stand to look at" a grieving mother? What's wrong with you? Maybe she didn't trust you with this information yet because she was worried that you couldn't handle it, which judging by your reaction you clearly could not.

Embarrassed-Milk308 wrote:

I’m stunned. Here is a woman you claim to love, and you have just found out that she had two babies that died, and instead of your heart breaking for the pain and trauma she must have experienced and is probably still going through, you made it all about YOU!

How YOU felt betrayed, how YOU felt blindsided. I’m guessing by her not responding to your texts that she is also having those feelings too about your reaction. YTA.

The next day, OP shared an update.

I'm not sure how many people will be interested in this update but I figure I'll put it up. The discovery of the photos and my really shitty reaction all went down on Sunday, today is Tuesday for anyone who's unclear about the timeline.

Long story short: I really f#$ked up. Long story long: on Monday night shorty after having my ass handed to me by everybody in the comments and DM's, as well as my mom telling me that I'm "not the son she raised", I decided to call Kat and asked her if we could talk about everything.

She said yes but that it's an in-person talk so we made plans for me to go over to hers Tuesday (today) evening. I couldn't focus on anything at work so I cut my day short and went to her place earlier in the day. It was a difficult conversation. She told me about how she ended up in an abusive relationship when she was just under 18.

She talked about how this man had so much control over her that she could hardly even breathe and the vile things he would say/do to her. Eventually he got her pregnant by f0rce and she wanted to ab*rt but he basically locked her in the basement until she was too far along to do anything about it. The twins were born and she knew that she needed to escape with both of them.

She played happy family and did her best while she made arrangements and healed physically, having twins gave her an "excuse" to have her mom come around to help with everything, including documenting and escaping. Everything was ready to go when the twins were 1 year old and Kat was 20. Basically, he figured it out at the very last second.

Her children died at the hands of their father and he tried to k*ll her too. She told me about the guilt she felt in so many ways from wanting to ab*rt them to begin with, having kids with the wrong person, not being able to get them out safely, and why she deserved to live when her babies didn't.

She went through a ton of therapy and was eventually able to get to a good place and start living again, thriving honestly. She said that she didn't think she could love again and she fell in love with me unexpectedly so she never thought about how she would share this part of her past with a new partner.

She felt it easier and safer to just never bring it up but apologized for not telling me sooner. I told her that she has nothing to apologize for and my initial reaction was unjustified. I should have stayed and talked to her, I shouldn't have raised my voice at her, everything I did was wrong and that I am so sorry for not being a better partner and a better man.

To address some of the comments in my OPs; I never asked her if she had kids, I only asked if she wanted kids to which she said no. She never lied, she just left out the horrible passing of her children which I now understand. Thank you to everybody who was (rightfully) brutal and honest. I'm not sure where our relationship will go from here, I'll update in the future if there is any interest there.

The next day, OP deleted that update, and made yet another update post.

A few years before I met my girlfriend, she had twins who passed away when they were a year old. I only found out because I came across some baby pictures when I was helping her move, I don't think she was ever planning on telling me about them.

At first I was angry and I lashed out at her instead of just giving her the opportunity to explain. I made the mistake of making this a "me, me, me" issue and now there might not be any going back to what we had. I still feel confused. Everything that she's told me about her past has been true, she just decided to leave out the parts where she had kids and they d*ed.

I get that that's probably the worst thing that a person can go through, especially with how it happened, but how do you get 2+ years into dating someone before ever telling them?? She's told me that she needs some time and space to figure out where she wants to go from here because she didn't like how I reacted to the news and she sees me differently now.

I messed up and now I might lose the most incredible woman I've ever known. I'm terrified and I just want to go to her and hold her and beg her for forgiveness but I know that will only make her feel smothered. I wish I could go back. I wish I never knew.

The comments quickly piled in.

Ariasloot wrote:

“How do you get 2+ years into dating someone before ever telling them?”

Trauma. That’s how. She didn’t just have a misc*rriage. They were m*rdered. Taken from her. There’s no way to completely get over that.

And it happened when she was 20, that’s still recent. You will probably never understand the pain of losing not only one, but two children to your ab$ser, but it is a pain like no other. I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to relive it. It was a horrible time in her life, why would she want to talk about it? Especially since it’s still quite fresh

lostafraidandalone wrote:

Bro, you're still making it about you. Do you not see that? How can you not see that. AND YOU'RE STILL BLAMING HER FOR NOT TELLING YOU! "after two years" hOw CoUlDnT sHe.....This is bonkers.

None of it, not for a single second, is about you. At all. You are aware you don't deserve her, and never did, right? Or her explanations, or to understand her motives, not her time or mental capacity, and you DEFINITELY don't get to play boo hoo pity party poor-me, IMADEABOOBOOANDNOWIMSAD.

What is wrong with you? Honestly, I really want to know what is wrong with your brain. Your mom sounds cool, I'm not going to blame her for this. What you've done is so much more than some "terrible mistake" or a "poor reaction".

If you genuinely loved this woman, as you claim, the very moment you heard her wail in pain that her children are dead, you would've stopped. Then and there, in your tracks, and you wouldn't have thought another think about yourself. Wanna know why? Because that is the human condition of unconditional love. And you are not it.

Aside from the fact that the abject anger you casually described as building up inside of you being completely ABNORMAL (and terrifying); you had zero compassion for her suffering. And even now, still, you don't. You only feel sorry for yourself, for what you've done and can't undo. You feel sorry you can't fix this by comforting her through the grief you forced her to experience.

INFO: I'd like to know how after TWO~WHOLE~YEARS you could just walk away from her, as if she were s**t on your shoe. You left the woman you keep posting about, crumpled up in a heap on the floor, sobbing and begging you, after you HEARD her. You heard what she said, comprehended the words, understood what those words meant when spoken together in a structured sentence.

How dare you. How dare you continue to post your pathetic updates. Saying you wish you reacted better, you wish you could go back in time, that you wish you NEVER KNEW. Never knew?!?! (That one, that last one, ya.. wow. that one actually shook me) You don't love her, leave her alone.

Pinkpotemkin wrote:

She most likely didn’t tell you because she knew how you’d react: and you proved her right. How’s the saying go? When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You showed her who you are, Mr. I dOn’T wAnT tO bE a StEpDaD, and I hope she believes you. I hope she lances you from her life like a wart.

She won’t stay friends with you and she won’t reconsider getting back together. I hope, as far as you’re concerned, she moved to mars and you never get the opportunity to blubber out a poorly cobbled together, shallow, and insincere apology. Shame 🔔 shame 🔔 shame 🔔

A year and a half later, OP shared another update.

To recap: a few years before I met Kat, she had twins who passed away when they were 1. I found out because I came across some old photos. I reacted horribly and she asked for time and space away from me. For over a month, I waited. I waited for her to speak to me again, hoping she could forgive me and we could move on together.

Mid December she called me and told me that she wanted to talk, I was ecstatic and raced over to her place only stopping to get flowers on the way. When I arrived she let me in and I saw that she still had not finished unpacking, in fact, it looked like she never even started to.

She noticed me looking around and told me that she's moving in with her brother who lives in another province and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I begged and pleaded and told her that she meant everything to me and I would do anything to make things right but she stayed quiet, only shaking her head before saying that she doesn't feel emotionally safe with me anymore.

She told me that if I had reacted differently when I found out about her lost twins then she would have been able to move past this with me but that my reaction told her everything she needed to know, "you made my traumas about you and your backwards feelings and reacted explosively over something that has nothing to do with you, how could I ever trust you to work through anything difficult?"

Then she asked me to leave. I put the flowers on the counter and left. A week later she texted me to tell me she had a box of my things and I needed to come get them. When I arrived, the door was unlocked and I walked inside.

The house was completely empty aside from a box with some of my clothes, pictures, trinkets and gifts, memories of us; and the flowers I brought her, wilted and dead with a note that read, "lock the door when you leave." Fast forward a few days, it's Christmas eve and I went over to my parents place. We had a quiet evening and as per tradition, my siblings and I stayed the night.

On Christmas morning I texted Kat to wish her a Merry Christmas but the bubble turned green. I was blocked. Later that evening my mother left the room and called Kat to wish her a Merry Christmas, she adores her. I did tell my parents that we were broken up and she moved away but I never actually told them any real details of the entire event.

My mother came back in tears, seething with rage and screamed at me to "get the f#$k out of [her] house". Kat told her everything. In excruciating detail.

I was effectively disowned by my family with the exception of 1 brother.

My life was falling apart faster than I could gather the pieces and I slipped into a deep depression. For months running on autopilot, I drank too much and smoked too much and let myself go. After a string of bad decisions, my brother who kept contact convinced me to go to therapy. It was hard but it helped a lot and I soon started picking myself back up.

A couple months ago I was scrolling socials and saw a post featuring Kat from a mutual of ours. They were on a group vacation and Kat had a new boyfriend. I decided to send our mutual, Anna, a DM asking about Kat and I was met with a surprisingly friendly response of mild and vague info; she's doing well and thriving in BC.

We continued to chat for a few days before we decided to meet for coffee. Anna and I have been seeing each other since and recently made things official. I love her more than life itself and I plan on marrying her one day but my heart still aches for how I hurt Kat.

Shortly after posting, OP shared a few small updates.

Edit: few things have come up.

Anna does not know. The story Kat gave her was that she fell out of love with me so she ended it and I never corrected her. I assume it's because she doesn't want to tell people her story.

I told my parents that she had kids that passed away, how I found out by accident, and what my reaction was. I never gave them all the details that came from my second conversation with Kat.

As for being in love with Anna after only some months; when you know, you know. I did love Kat, I loved her very much, but not how I love Anna.

People had a lot to say.

meiuimei_ wrote:

Yeah what the F#$K is wrong with OP?

'Oh I screamed and broke my ex gf's heart after finding out she had twins who were murdered by her past ab#sive ex, who also tried to m*rder her.

I obsessed for months after my ex gf left me, then saw a photo of ex gf with a mutual friend on holidays so now I'm dating that friend and in loovooove with her'

Seriously... What. In. The. Actual. F#$k. That is next level so, so messed up.

00Lisa00 wrote:

Is anyone else scared for Anna?

DENAdk wrote:

"A couple of months ago" and "I love her more than life itself" in the same paragraph isn't it a bit early?

At least tell her what you did to Kat, more if you're mutuals.

I also read the other post from a year ago to know more context of what was the horrible reaction and what the poor girl was going through. Man, that was a lot, at least you learned ig, but I'm feeling bad for Kat. If you finished the relationship in "good terms" at least if there is a chance of an encounter while you are with Anna, it probably won't resurface any trauma, but you never know.

KingGabbeh wrote:

Checked post history and holy f#$k dude. When your response to people saying she was obviously hurt was "I didn't think about it like that." That's actually baffling. She was crying saying her babies were de@d and you didn't think she was upset about it??

Even someone who misses social cues could logically put that together, especially at 28 years old. Based on your mom's reaction you never told your parents what really happened and I'm guessing you've left details out on here, too. I hope you get therapy and learn some s**t and you don't do anything to Anna.

FeistyEmployee8 wrote:

Guys like him need to be put on a list because not only is this whole new relationship situation incredibly creepy and insidious, but if one takes enough time and brain power to read between the lines, this guy is a walking time bomb.

It's not even that he doesn't have empathy, he is actively aware that he is doing the wrong thing and does not seem to be concerned about the impact of his actions on anyone as long as he gets to feed his Kat obsession. He cannot stand to be told no.

Sources: Reddit
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