'My girlfriend and I have never been intimate, and it’s been almost five years. AITA?' UPDATED

"My girlfriend and I have never have s*x, and it’s been almost five years. AITA?"

Yes, I mean never. Me (27M) and my girlfriend (26F) have been together for almost five years. When the relationship started, I assumed she was being flirty and building the temptation. We were having so much fun going on dates and I was just excited for the time to come...and it still hasn’t come.

I’ve tried to talk to her, I have brought this up hundreds of times. Every time I gently start the conversation she starts crying and says she feels guilty and she gets angry at me for “always” bringing it up. At the start she said she has v*ginismus — she has seen a specialist about this once because I asked her to, and has the tools for exercises that they use to fix it.

They have been sitting in her bedside drawer ever since. I am not blaming her for having v*ginismus, and I’m sure that it is a horrible experience, but sitting here for 5 years waiting doesn’t feel fair. The last time I brought it up, she said she has just never had the drive to have s*x and it’s not something she’s ever wanted.

But it’s something that I want. I’ve asked her to go to the doctor to get her hormone levels checked, which she did. She went off her birth control about 3 months ago and absolutely nothing has changed. This makes it hard for me though, because it seems like she’s starting to put in some kind of effort?

She is beautiful and smart and she has a good job. We live together and her family love me. We do everything together, and I miss her when she’s not around. I just don’t know if I can live like this. I’ve already spent 5 years of my 20s in a s*xless relationship. I have been hoping that she would just have some sort of awakening or breakthrough and become a s*xual person.

She has recently been bringing up engagements, feeling annoyed that her friends who have been together for less time than us are getting engaged and I haven’t asked her. I can’t see myself proposing and trapping myself in a life where I never have sex again. AITA for building resentment toward her, and expecting her to change after all this time? What do I do?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

alb5357 wrote:

She should date an as#$ual. And you should date someone who's not as*xual.

Positive-Medium8167 wrote:

This is the answer. I dated an a**xual woman for a couple months....s#$ twice and it was like a chore for her...an inconvenience. It's a horrible feeling. As*xual people should date other asexual people. It only hurts others.

MeisterFluffbutt wrote:

Just hopping in as an as*xual: I am very sorry for your experience, s#$ual incompatiblility is real and i totally get how it sucks to feel like it's a chore to the other person.

I just wanna let everyone know that not EVERY as#$ual person has no drive for sex - as$%ual ONLY means that we do not have s*xual attraction (and even that can vary, f.e. demisexuality means you need a very strong emotional bond (VERY STRONG) before feeling attraction).

Imagine it like that - Libido is your Hunger, s#$ual attraction your appetite and s#x is eating. Your experience was that the as*xual person forced themselves to eat - but other as**uals might have a very very slight appetite or just enjoy the act of eating without having a direct appetite, or they enjoy the feeling of being full - OR enjoy seeing their partner, that cooked their dinner, happy when they eat their food. :)

I just wanna say, that asexuality is a spectrum and while a relationship with an asexual can be quite difficult, depending on how the sexuality manifests, isn't automatically impossible or unfair to both partners.

Regarding the post: NTA, the gf might be a$#xual but as she isn't letting OP in on the topic in a constructive way and you both probably being incompatible I'd break it up. You deserve to be talked to, and you have a need to be met (she obvs shouldn't force herself, but it's fully reasonable for you to say this relationship is unsatisfying to you)

dyedinthewoolScot wrote:

Yeah this sounds dead in the water OP, you’re too young for this. You are s*xually incompatible and there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s unfair to keep each other in a relationship if you aren’t compatible.

Over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

It took a lot of courage and I finally made the decision for us to go our separate ways. It was a hard conversation for both of us to have but it ended up being very amicable. We are still living together for a couple of weeks and I told her to just say the word if she needs some space, as I've got great support with friends I can stay with before I move states for a 5 week university placement.

She’s got her parents house two minutes down the road and she even offered to stay there as she’s empathetic to the fact that I don’t have that option. She has no problem with me leaving personal non essential items at the house until I have a new fixed address. She won't kick me to the curb basically.

She has been very mature about how we move forward and we have had some of the best conversations we've ever had and reminisced about all of things that were great about each other and our relationship.

Overall, we have no spiteful feelings for each other and can feel confident that we can be friends again in the future, after respecting having time and space from each other. Once again I appreciate all your comments and messages.

The internet did not hold back at all.

sweetsparkle80 wrote:

Breakups are tough, but it's heartening to see such maturity and respect. Wishing you both the best in your next chapters!

MarsicanBear wrote:

Dear lord. 5 years. You have some unholy level of patience. Congratulations on moving on with life, and on doing it without being a d*ck about it.

Important_Shirt_3842 wrote:

This was the best outcome. Break ups suck, best wishes for the both of you.