'My girlfriend received flowers from her ex on her birthday and won't get rid of them.' UPDATED 6X

If it looks fishy, and it smells fishy, there's probably something fishy afoot.

"My (22M) girlfriend (24F) received flowers from her ex on her birthday and will not get rid of them. What should I do about this?"

Hey all, the last few days have been rough on my relationship so I was looking for some neutral opinions on the situation. The situation goes as follows: I (22M) was on the phone with my girlfriend (24F) the evening before her birthday.

At around 12:30 AM on the morning of her birthday, she received flowers (not from me, I was specifically told by her to not get her flowers on her birthday) after which she brought them in, asked if I was still on the phone, then said she was going to bed. When I asked who they were from she said she hadn't read the card yet.

Later that day, when we were talking I brought up how this made me uncomfortable she went into how I do not trust her and how that is not okay. When the question of if she kept the flowers came up she mentioned she did and has them in a vase, and will absolutely not be getting rid of them. What should I do about this?

Not long after posting, OP shared three updates.

Edit for clarity:

I did not ask her to throw them out, her reply was in response to my asking if she kept them The ex did deliver them Ex and her have had some contact, but I am only told about work-related things

Edit 2: For clarity, to my understanding, the ex dropped them off but he was not present when she opened the door and saw them. Her justification for not knowing who they were from was that the note was signed with the initials of a name he used to be called.

By her sister's friends e.g. H.F.

After bringing it up she ended the conversation with something to the extent of I want tomorrow to be about me so if you can't do that let's wait to talk until the weekend. Ultimately I decided to put it on hold and let her birthday pass and then deal with it.

I sent her a very lengthy and sweet birthday msg ~5-6 lines on imsg to which I received a simple thank you. After she replied I gave her a call offering to grab her something from her favorite breakfast spot and I was told she didn't want it and that she was gonna go back to sleep. After this, I felt like she did not want to interact with me that day, so I did not push any further.

Later she texted me, quite upset that I had not made any effort for her that day. Later that night we had a Facetime, and I wanted to listen to why she felt the way she did, apologize for the way things turned out, and attempt to explain why I did what I did. Today I received a lengthy chain of texts saying how she was talking to her sister and she thinks I am trying to manipulate her.

And basically explain how she felt like I tried to blame her for the way things turned out. I don't want this to be the case. I don't want it to feel like I'm blaming her for anything when I try to talk about why I felt the way I did. I've apologized and acknowledged that I misinterpreted her desires.

Even aside from the flower thing what are some ways to talk to people about your feelings without making it seem like you're blaming them? I also tried to take her out in the evening, which she did not want to do, and rather decided to have a discussion about things which is why the flowers got brought back up.

Edit 3:

We are going to have a talk tomorrow. Will update after. Thank you, everyone, for the replies, they have been very helpful.

People had plenty to say in response.

stayathomesommelier wrote:

Who delivers flowers at 12:30 am?

Ex boyfriends, that's who.

McSuzy responded:

That was the one part of this tale that seemed quite suspicious to me but the OP isn't the least bit concerned about that.

FeedbackAltruistic96 wrote:

So the ex delivered the flowers personally, because that's the way she's getting flowers delivered at that time, she gets back on the phone asks if you're still there and says she's going to bed??

So the ex stayed the night?? Now she gaslighting you about your concerns when shes doing some sketchy stuff. Pick a good time and surprise her with the question of did he spend the night after dropping the flowers off, because you got off the phone real quick?

Visible_Campaign_693 wrote:

I’m assuming the ex hand delivered them as deliveries don’t occur at 12:30 AM. Then she just “went to bed?” Seems shady…I wonder if he spent the night. Also why would she specifically tell you NOT to buy flowers? I don’t know but I do know I don’t like it. Proceed with caution ⚠️ 🚩

One-Macaroon-7652 wrote:

Yeah also… she said she didn’t knew who sent the flowers and didn’t read the card but the ex hand delivered them!? She is lying and thats a red flag.

A day later, OP shared another update.

We have had our talk, and I ended things. I approached the breakup from the perspective of not being compatible with our methods of communication. I wanted to keep it as civil as possible as we are part of some small circles in terms of career and friends so I'd like to maintain a solid perception.

At some points, she tried to take it in the direction of an argument, however, I just made it very clear I was not here to argue or work anything out and that I felt like we would not be able to handle disagreements well in the future, so it was best to call things off.

I appreciate all the comments and replies, I felt the way many of you had iterated (manipulated, gaslit, emotionally invalidated, etc) but I tried my best to not bias the updates with those emotions to try to get as neutral of opinions as possible. Honestly right now I just feel relieved, which I think is very telling.

Not long after posting, OP added yet another update.

I did not include this in the original post because I was so emotionally drained at that point and did not feel like typing it out again (had told other close friends over text) but I think the thing that really sealed it beyond belief was how she responded to my last attempt to try and make things better.

On the day she spoke to her sister, I responded to the manipulation text with something to the extent of I see you and I hear what you are saying, I had no intention of making you feel that way and I'm sorry that I did. To which she responded that she's sorry (that I did) too and that she was going to go nap.

Later that day I texted to ask if she was free and after three hours I basically got a no but I could drop some stuff off. At this point I had been running out while she was not responding and gathering all of her favorite foods and treats along with writing a card. After I gave it to her I went back and was texted things along these lines.

"If you want the pastries please take them back", "I'm so confused was this supposed to make anything better?", "You hardly looked at me." At this point, I was pretty much done and replied with something like "I know I'm not perfect but I'm not going to be told I'm not trying when I am."

"When I try to do something I can't have it where only the things I did wrong are acknowledged". At this point, she finally made some attempt to be understanding saying thank you for the gifts and that she didn't say I wasn't trying to me it seemed like I only got that response because it seemed like I was finally done.

In any case, it is over now, and time to move on. I don't think she physically cheated as many in the comments do, however, at this point, I do not care. All I hope is that I better know what to look for next time and find someone that works better for me personally. Thank you to everyone for the advice and for listening to me and my problems, I hope everyone here has a wonderful day.

The comments kept coming in.

GreekGoddessofNight wrote:

If my ex showed up at my house after midnight on my birthday to give me flowers, I’d tell him next time I call the police and chuck the flowers in the trash.

CanadianJediCouncil wrote:

I mean, all of the other sketchiness aside, she blatantly lied to you. When you asked who sent her flowers—which were delivered 30-minutes past midnight!—she said she “didn’t know” because she hadn’t checked the card, when she obviously knew because her ex- hand just knocked on her door and handed them to her.

Objective_Donut4559 wrote:

She went straight to attack mode when you said it makes you uncomfortable 🚩

Four months later, OP jumped on with another post about the relationship.

Before I get started, yes I already know I am an idiot and should've never gotten back with this girl. TL;DR about four months ago I made a post about a situation I was in with my now ex involving her getting flowers from an ex hand-delivered at midnight on her birthday.

There were a number of gaslighty/manipulative things that went on and ultimately I called the relationship off because of that. About a week later we talked and she took accountability for everything and apologized - I decided to give her a second chance. I didn't update my post at the time because I was embarrassed at my lack of self-respect.

I wish I never would've done this. She hit me. We are now broken up again and despite her best efforts, there will be no more chances. Even I cannot come back after that. Honestly, I am kinda a mess emotionally right now. She hit me in my bed and I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep since then. I think about the hit every time I go to sleep.

We are both PhD students and work in the same building. I don't want to come in for meetings or to work because I fear I might see her. Somehow this situation is never-ending. She told her friends (who I am also friends with) that she hit me by accident.

However, after she hit me she said she could "never forgive me if I did that to her" and sent me a text saying "she'd understand whatever I decide to do and should've never ever done that" and that she "ruined our relationship." Yet when it came time to break up that evening she "believed in the three strike rule" and was upset that she felt "she messes up once and it's over."

This is all really messing with my head. Now all I can think is what if it was an accident, but also her response doesn't line up with that. I feel like I have to prove to my friends that I was abused and that I'm not overreacting. In any case, it just sucks, for those of you out there if you leave a t*xic situation stay gone, there is nothing to be gained by going back.

Also, while I don't think it matters, the reason she hit me goes as follows. We are taking the same course, and I have been consistently scoring lower on assignments with the same solutions.

The same thing had been happening to another friend in the class, however, my ex always got full points (We emailed the grader and eventually got our grades corrected, so we were right to be upset and did not have the correct solutions). My ex types her solutions up and I believe that plays a major role in why she always gets more credit (solutions are just easier to read).

In any case, I had been exploring using large language models to convert my handwritten text to typed and had had some success. I made an attempted joke in bed saying something along the lines of "Now the grader is just gonna look at my typed solutions and give me credit."

Then she hit me and began yelling how she works hard too and I'm diminishing her work (I see how the joke could be taken that way even though it wasn't my intent). It wasn't until after I apologized and calmed her down that she did for hitting me.

The internet offered words of solidarity and support.

MurtaughInfin8 wrote:

Stay on that PhD grind: don't let a relationship result in you imploding a good thing that doesn't have to suffer. You don't have to prove shit to anyone else. If they dismiss your truth, they aren't a healthy person for you. Better to learn a lesson late than never. It's rarely just one thing that results in a break up: this was just the final thing.

WidowedWTF wrote:

One, good for you for walking away from that dumpster fire.

Two, anyone who brings up anything about y'all's relationship demise, just look at them and say "It's over and I'm not participating in any of the drama anyone is trying to suck me into." They'll move on from it.

Three, don't let her presence there affect your PhD goals or comfort levels, etc. You're not the t*xic one walking into the place; she is. Hold your head high and just ignore her existence.

theunpolitical wrote:

I absolutely cannot imagine how this relationship could have gone on. Hitting over any reason is not okay. I'm sorry you went through it. I know it's going to be hard as she's in your courses but just completely ignore her the best you can. Also, let this be a lesson to not date in closed environments like this.

Naturesvividpictures wrote:

All I can say is don't let the end of a relationship mess up you finishing or doing all your requirements for your PhD. I'm sure you've been working on this long time and if you do see her just look right through her. Don't acknowledge her, don't speak to her if you have to give her a nod but that's it. If you haven't already get some therapy because you can't let her keep you from your goals.