'My guy friend told my BF we were having an affair but we're not. BF doesn't believe me.' UPDATED

There's nothing quite like a "friend" whose waiting in the wings to date you, only to lash out and ruin the friendship.

"Me [25F], my friend [24M] told my boyfriend [M25] we were having an affair but we're not. Boyfriend doesn't believe me."

I want to say to start off with that I realize how messed up a situation this is, and I understand why my boyfriend would be upset and even suspicious but I can't believe he doesn't trust me.

So, I've been with my BF, Paul, for three years. In the beginning of our relationship, Paul had some issues with trust (he had been cheated on in the past). I made it clear right away that I had never cheated on anyone, that I would not, and that I understood if he had trust issues from the past but that it was a dealbreaker to me to be with someone who couldn't trust me.

He has, since those early days, been really good about it and throughout our three years together, I think I have earned his trust. I have always been honest with him and never cheated on him. He's asked to see conversations of mine that I've had with male friends twice over those three years, and I've obliged.

The second time, however, I made it clear to him that I was very unhappy to be treated as though I was acting suspiciously and did not deserve privacy with my friends when he had no reason at all to think I was being shady.

I said that if he didn't trust me because of something I had said or done, I was 100% happy to have a conversation about that, to discuss it, and to address any issues he had, but if I had done literally nothing to cause suspicion then I expected him to trust me. He agreed with me, said that I had done nothing, and never asked again.

Once of those conversations he asked about was with my friend Roger. Roger had, two years before I started dating Paul, "confessed" feelings of love for me. I told him I wasn't interested, and that was that. By the time I was seeing Paul, I had absolutely no reason to think things were anything but platonic between Roger and myself.

A week ago, Roger and I got together for coffee. Again - I want to stress that before this happened I had literally no reason at all to think he had held on to those feelings. At the cafe, Roger suddenly went on this impassioned monologue about how much he still loved me, how Paul was a terrible boyfriend and I should dump him and be with Roger, how loyal Roger was, how perfect we were together, etc.

I was pretty much silent through this whole speech because I was so surprised and uncomfortable, but when he stopped I told him (probably not as strongly as I should have but I didn't know what to do!) that I loved Paul, that I was absolutely not leaving Paul, and that I needed to go home immediately. I was shaken up by the whole thing so I took my time getting home to calm down.

But, by the time I got home, I found that Roger had sent a long, utterly insane FB message to Paul detailing how much he loved me, that we were destined to be together, and heavily implying (but not outright stating) that Roger and I had been carrying on an affair for weeks. I don't know why he did this. I have no explanation. Paul believes it completely.

He has listened to my explanation of things, but thinks I am lying. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me at all anymore. I'm completely devastated that Paul would believe this FB message over me. I'm horrified that my relationship with him has ended like this.

I'm embarrassed that now I'm being seen as a cheater and a sl*t who slept around on Paul. I'm utterly hateful toward Roger. It's been a week and I can't convince Paul to talk to me. I know he had those trust issues in the past but I really believed we were long past them. What do I do?

TL;DR: Friend said he loved me, freaked out when I rejected him, told my current boyfriend we were having an affair. Boyfriend won't believe it is a lie.

The thread was soon filled with comments and questions.

Ninja-Iris wrote:

Maybe a little late for now, but what you should have done was calling the crazy friend, while you were with trust issue boyfriend, have the phone on speaker and ask him why on earth he would lie to your bf like that.

xv323 wrote:

I think your answer is kind of nested in what you wrote.

• You find it a deal breaker if someone is unable to trust you.

• Your boyfriend, in the context of a my-word-versus-theirs situation, without there being any evidence besides Roger's word to suggest you were cheating and with this set against your stated position that you haven't ever done so, has chosen to believe someone else over you.

It seems he does not trust you, and you've just said yourself what you decided the consequences of that would be.

OP responded:

I didn't think of it this way until you put it so clearly. I guess you're right - even if I spoke to Paul now, I would always remember that he didn't believe me or trust me. I'd always be scared of it happening again.

[deleted] wrote:

None of this is your fault, your friend is nutty however, I think the lesson here is when a friend declares feelings for you it is smarter not to maintain that relationship everybody is not as weird as your "friend" who I hope you are now not speaking to but it is at least awkward. I don't think you can do much of anything except hope Paul will come around.

OP responded:

I haven't had any contact at all with Roger, and I don't think I could ever forgive him. Weirdly enough, Roger has not at all attempted to contact me since this happened. He sent that FB message to Paul and now has gone totally silent and not attempted to contact either me or Paul.

jinbaittai wrote:

I'd simply look Paul in the eye and ask, "Do you think so lowly of me that you won't even consider the possibility that this isn't true?" Wait for him to answer I suspect he won't be able to.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive HIM for this behavior. He dropped you like a bad habit the second he was tested. What happens in the future when you have a house and kids and everything, and life isn't easy? Will he have the fortitude to work towards the future with you, or will he turn tail and run? This is pretty indicative of his.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

I want to thank everyone so much for commenting. Before I post what happened, I just want to address a few things that I didn't get to in the first post: first, Paul knew I was having coffee with Roger. It wasn't some kind of secret thing. Paul has female friends he has lunch or coffee with alone too, so this isn't unusual in our relationship. Second, Paul did not know that Roger had said he loved me five years ago.

I definitely made a mistake not telling him that, but honestly, it was so long ago and to my (obviously wrong!) knowledge was old history. We did not extensively discuss our pasts so there wasn't really a natural point where it would have come up and it just never occurred to me to say anything. Finally, Roger and I did not have a particularly intense friendship.

It's not like we were texting constantly or best buddies; we hung out occasionally and would be in touch if something relevant came up but we didn't just chat randomly.

Anyway, with that having been said, I took the advice of some redditors and when I was a little calmer I FB messaged Roger asking him why he lied.

He responded with "what do you mean" at which point I started pressing him harder. He responded only with one-word answers (and honestly didn't reply to most of my messages at all) no matter how much I asked, and never actually said any definitive statement of "yes I lied for such and such reason."

Finally, I send him a definitive statement that said I had never had an affair with him, that I was incredibly hurt and angry, that our friendship was over and that he was never to contact me again. He replied "ok" and that was that. I sent the entire FB conversation to Paul, not thinking it would help save us but just to try and clear my name.

In the message, I asked him if Roger's reactions to my questions and my response to Roger was in line with what he would expect if Roger's accusations were true. Paul didn't respond that day, but the next day he called me. Paul basically said that the more he thought about it, the more he believed me, and that the conversation between Roger and I helped him believe that.

That Roger's responses didn't make sense and that he now thought nothing had gone on. However, he said despite that the "trust was broken" between us and he couldn't be with me. I got pretty mad and yelled at him, asking why I was being punished for nothing, and he just basically disengaged from the discussion.

Not my finest moment, I know, I was just so overwhelmed with frustration. We did eventually end the conversation calmly, if not amiably, and he is dropping off the stuff that I had left at his apartment later this week.

I learned my lesson. Not only will any declaration of interest by a friend end that friendship, forever, but I will never date someone who has trust issues or a history of being cheated on again.

I'm sure I come across as a little bitter about this, but honestly I feel like there was absolutely no point to my fidelity and honesty during those three years. I got treated like a cheater whether or not I cheated and both Paul and I ended up hurt and alone despite being 100% faithful.

Better to end up alone or stick to FWB than end up investing another 3 years in a relationship to have this be the conclusion.

TL;DR: Paul and I are done. Roger and I are done.

The internet was quick to respond to OP's quandary.

coffee__ wrote:

I can't understand Roger. How does he live with himself? I could never do that to someone!

OP responded:

I suspect, based on what I know of Roger, that he got angry when I rejected him and impulsively sent the message to Paul. He's not (usually!) a psycho so I'm betting that after a bit he realized how terrible what he had done was and that is why he avoided me/refused to talk to me when I FB messaged him. Why he wouldn't apologize or try and make it right, I have no idea.

Hassassin30 wrote:

"Not only will any declaration of interest by a friend end that friendship, forever"

This is just a sidenote (the main thing is you're rid of both these sources of drama, good for you) but I'm a guy who has declared interest in people and then gone on to be good friends after being rejected.

As in, really just friends. So I'd choose carefully, because perhaps you'll write some decent people off If you have a blanket rule. I totally get why you feel that way though.

OP responded:

I thought that this would be possible, but honestly I got a ton of comments (and still am getting them) saying how ridiculous I was to ever imagine I could continue to have someone in my life who once confessed feelings for me. A lot of people have pointed out that by allowing Roger to be a friend or a part of my life at all was a huge mistake and frankly, looking at the result, I have to agree.

I may write off some decent people, which would be a shame, but this has convinced me that I can't allow anyone in my life that might be holding or have at some point held feelings for me if I don't return them.

TX-SC wrote:

You should cut them BOTH from your life forever. Be careful in future relationships. I could see this ex friend Roger "anonymously" sending messages to a new BF that you are cheating. If you get serious with someone, tell them about this situation and how your "friend" was such an a$$.

half_dozen_cats wrote:

If paul was willing to throw away three years over this...well then I'm gonna say you dodged a bullet. His issues clearly run deep. As for Rodger...jesus christ, he's the reason we can't have nice things. Honestly I recommend you have a friend over when he drops off his stuff. Do not sleep with him again and honestly I'd recommend no contact.

sugarpie22 wrote:

I definitely understand that you are hurt by both Paul and Roger right now, but please don't let Paul's crazy behavior turn you against another caring, long term relationship! There are definitely people who have been cheated on (and tons that haven't!) that would not have treated you as Paul did.

His actions are symptomatic of HIS character, not that of anyone who's been cheated on.

EDIT: And I certainly don't mean immediately, just whenever the option comes up in the future.