'I found texts where my husband agrees with his mother criticizing everything about me.'
"I found texts where my husband agrees with his mother criticizing everything about me."
I don't even know how to process this. I've been staring at the wall for like two hours. I'm 31F, married to Jeroen 33M for three years. We live in Rotterdam (Netherlands). I thought we had a good marriage. I thought we were happy.
His mother Anke has never been my biggest fan but she's civil to my face. Cold sometimes but never outright mean. I figured she just needed time to warm up to me. Yesterday Jeroen was in the shower and his phone was on the kitchen counter. A text came through from "Mam" and I glanced at it without thinking.
"Did she at least cook something edible tonight or another disaster?"
My stomach dropped. I know I shouldn't have but I opened the thread. It goes back MONTHS. Maybe over a year. I couldn't scroll to the beginning.
His mother texts him almost daily criticizing me. My cooking. My housekeeping. My "attitude." The way that I dress. The way I talk. How I'm "not good enough" for her son.
Things like: "The house looked dusty when I visited, does she ever clean?" "She seemed cold to me at dinner, very disrespectful" "I don't know why you married someone so career-focused, she'll never be a proper wife" "Her cooking is terrible, you should come here for meals more often."
That's not even the worst part.
The worst part is Jeroen's responses.
"I know mom, I've told her but she doesn't listen" "Yeah dinner was bad tonight, I should have come to yours" "She's been moody lately, I don't know what her problem is" "You're right, she's not very domestic."
He's been agreeing with her. For months. Maybe years. Every criticism, he validates. Every insult, he piles on. To my face he tells me he loves my cooking. Tells me the house looks great. Tells me his mother "just takes time to warm up."
He's been lying to me. Every single day. I confronted him when he got out of the shower. He tried to say I invaded his privacy. I said I didn't snoop, it popped up, and that's not the point anyway.
His defense? "It's just venting. It doesn't mean anything. I just tell her what she wants to hear so she doesn't bother me." So he throws me under the bus to avoid a difficult conversation with his mother. That's the man I married.
I'm a maritime lawyer. I work 50+ hour weeks. I still cook most nights. I keep our home clean. I have been TRYING to win his mother over for three years thinking I was the problem.
I was never the problem. I was never going to be good enough because he was confirming every negative thing she thought about me. I don't know if my marriage is over. I don't know if I want it to be. I just feel so stupid and so betrayed.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I need you to understand the severity of what you found. This isn't "venting." Venting is complaining to a friend once about something your spouse did. This is a DAILY ritual where your husband and his mother bond over tearing you apart.
He has been actively participating in a campaign against you. While you cook him dinner. While you clean the house after working 50 hours. While you twist yourself into knots trying to impress a woman who was never going to accept you.
And he KNOWS. He knows you try hard. He knows you care. And he sits there texting his mummy that your cooking is bad while eating the meal you made him.
Adding onto this because OP needs to see the full picture. He's not just failing to defend you. He's actively giving his mother ammunition. Every "yeah she's been moody" text is permission for his mother to treat you worse. Every "her cooking is bad" is Anke feeling justified in her disrespect.
YOU are the reason your MIL thinks she's right about you. Because your husband has been telling her she's right for years. And here's what's going to happen next: he's going to cry, apologize, say he'll stop.
Maybe he'll even tell his mother to back off. But the foundation is cracked now. You know who he is when you're not looking. You know what he really thinks - or at least what he's willing to let his mother think. Three years of marriage. How many more years of texts are you willing to be the subject of?
This would be a deal breaker for me. Kick them both to the curb. There is someone who will appreciate you and not tear you down behind your back. You deserve better than these two. I'm sorry this is happening. Three years is a drop in the bucket vs. a lifetime.
Sorry, but what do you mean you don't know if your marriage is over? Do you REALLY want to spend your life trying to please both of them? As a maritime lawyer, you should know better than engage in sunk cost fallacy.
Your marriage is over. You've got an instant ick the moment you read the conversations. You felt betrayed because he betrayed you. The trust is gone. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Can you really lay down with a man who’s spent months if not years talking trash about you with his mommy while you bust your buns for him? Do not stay with someone who’d sell you out so casually. Really wrap your head around what I mean when i say “casually” sold you out.
This was not a high-stress, high-stakes situation where tough decisions were made, this is just what they enjoy talking about casually with one another, like you’d talk about the weather. Your betrayal and hurt is just their coffee talk.
You deserve better!!! You are still very young !!!! In his mother’s eyes no woman will be good enough for her son. She is one of those mothers and he encourages this behavior because he’s a coward and believes everything his mum tells him.