'My husband attempted to manipulate me. I called his bluff. Now what?' MAJOR UPDATE

"Husband, 37M, attempted to manipulate me, 35F. I called his bluff. Now what?"

I, 35F, have been married to my husband, 37M, for 5 1/2 years, and we have an 18mo daughter. We have generally had a good marriage, but have repeatedly had the same two arguments for 3+ years. The first argument is that I work full time, pay 85% of our bills and do all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, running of the household, etc.

He also works full time, but after work comes home and immediately takes his work clothes off, throws them on the couch in my living room and goes into the family room to watch YouTube. I have repeatedly asked for help and get the run around. The second is that he has a small p#$n addiction and suffers from s#$ual dysfunction. An issue in itself but not our main problem currently.

The last week and a half or so, I had been running 80 miles an hour getting ready for the holiday this week. I was cleaning the house, washing the bedding in the guest room, cleaning the fridge, doing all the bits and pieces that you need to do to host family for Thanksgiving. I was also doing all of my daily things as well.

For example on a typical day, I wake up make sure his, mine, and the baby's lunches are packed, she's dressed for daycare, my work bag is packed, drive to work. After work I drive to the daycare to pick up baby girl, often taking meetings via phone on the commute.

Do any errands that need done (grocery, Costco, pharmacy, etc) come home, immediately breastfeed the baby, start dinner so we can eat once he’s home, give the baby a bath, let her play while I clean off the table, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, tidy up, feed her again, get her to sleep and then finally take a shower myself! It’s basic daily tasks, but I don’t stop until 9-10 at night.

Last week I asked again for help but was told that he needed the break because he is tired. I naturally told him that I never get a break and I'm tired too and need help with the house and if he can't contribute half financially he can at least contribute half of the cleaning.

He shut down and just gave me the silent treatment for two days, then asked me if I wanted to go to his mother's house with him and the baby. I said only if he wasn't going to ignore me the whole time. That was the match that lit the fuse.

He EXPLODED. Evidently I have done nothing but b#$ch for the last 3 years, he hates cleaning and isn't going to do it, that if him contributing is such a big deal then we should divorce. I asked him to explain what that looks like to him.

He said "I'll get an apartment and sign the house over to you, refinance it in your name. We'll split custody 50/50 and split her expenses 50/50 as well". He then stormed out of the house and went to his mother's until about 1AM. He again gave me the silent treatment for 2 days.

The other day I asked him how his apartment hunting was going and he said "what?" I told him I thought he was right, I had been bitching about this for 3 years, I'm miserable and he's not helping make my life easier. That I agreed divorce is the best option and that I would rather separate as friends and be good coparents than grow to hate him and feel stuck in a toxic marriage.

He then said "I only said that to scare you into shutting up." Basically he attempted to emotionally ab#$e/manipulate me to get his way. As someone who grew up in a toxic and abusive childhood, this immediately shut me down emotionally. Like I look at him and I feel nothing. He is trying now to get back in my good graces, bringing flowers, chocolates...and all it does is make me angrier.

I need advice. Is the fact that he tried to manipulate me and ADMITTED it a valid reason for me to just want to shut this down? Because I have to be honest, I'm tempted to ruin Thanksgiving. I don't know if I'm just angry and reacting out of that or if I am truly at the end of my rope.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Champion_Flight wrote:

He's not just manipulating you - he's exploiting you. You're carrying the financial burden, all household responsibilities, childcare, AND he tried to use divorce as a weapon when you asked for basic partnership. His admission that he was trying to "scare you into shutting up" shows he views your valid needs as an inconvenience to be silenced.

You're already functioning as a single parent while bankrolling his lifestyle. The only difference is you have an adult dependent who throws his clothes on your couch and watches YouTube while you exhaust yourself. The flowers and chocolates now aren't remorse - they're panic because his emotional blackmail didn't work. You're not overreacting; you're finally seeing clearly.

When someone tells you they'd rather divorce than contribute to their own household, and then admits they were just trying to scare you into compliance - believe that revelation. He's showing you he prioritizes his comfort over your wellbeing and will use emotional warfare to maintain it.

You're not angry because of the manipulation attempt - you're angry because it exposed the fundamental disrespect at the core of your marriage. He contributes minimally financially, does nothing domestically, and when confronted, tries to weaponize divorce to silence you. The flowers aren't going to fix this level of betrayal.

[deleted] responded:

He wants 50/50 custody yet cannot manage 50/50 parenting with the other parent in the home. If he's somehow granted 50% custody he is in for a massive shock.

Champion_Flight responded:

Good. Let him learn. This man f#$ked around and it's find-out time. OP, you've called a lawyer, right? You need to get the drop on him for filing before his mommy does it for him. And congratulations on your upcoming liberation from the sad freeloading limp d#$k you're married to.

OP responded:

I have an appointment with one next week for a consult. And what makes me laugh is my SIL knows about the issue and 100% thinks his mom and dad are going to be angry with him. Evidently they have told him he needs to step up previously.

anonoodamoo wrote:

Follow through and give him that divorce. You are already taking care of everything, it'll be easier without him in the house with you. And you'll at least get a break during his custody time. I'm honestly just surprised you had a child with him if this has been a problem for 3+ years.

OP responded:

Ha! That was my thought too. And you are right, at first it didn’t seem like a huge issue, and it was only a couple months after I started bringing it up that I got pregnant. Now it’s like he thinks I’m trapped and have to put up with scraps.

elizzup wrote:

You're already a married single mother. Imagine how much life would be better with one less mouth to worry about. You're already doing it! Make your life easier by cutting the dead weight now. And with 50/50 custody, imagine the freedom you'll get back when you don't have the kids for 2-3 days a week (because he'll never be able to handle more than that on his own.)

I'm guessing the "chores" he handles are yard maintenance. You can pay a crew less than what you're spending on his lazy bum. He has spent the last 3+ years proving to you that you don't actually need him around. Treat yourself right by getting a divorce.

OP responded:

He mows the front year and takes the garbage out to the curb. He will empty the recycling bin if it’s full. As far as parenting, he will be in the room with her while she plays, but no real interaction. He does take her to daycare in the morning because it’s on the way to his job.

Prestigious-Bar5385 wrote:

How do both of you work and you pay 85% that doesn’t make sense. What does he do with the money he makes. I would leave his clothes right where he takes them off and say hey you left your clothes on the floor and I would never pick them up.

He would not have any clothes to wear or food to eat because I wouldn’t do it. End of story. You’re not his maid you’re his wife. You both work so everything should be 50/50.

OP responded:

That was the original deal. And it worked for two and half years. Then I started making more money and it just slowly devolved to…this dumpster fire. I don’t even know how tbh. Probably my people pleaser tendencies and a slow slide into him doing nothing.

Five months later, OP shared a major update.

Firstly, I wanted to say thank you to all of you who responded and gave encouragement, you helped more than you know. I did it! I filed for divorce, our divorce should be final mid-June! He fought it for a few months, but finally seems to see that I can’t move on and I won’t let him rug sweep it anymore.

He is still talking about hoping for a future reconciliation, but I told him that honestly without massive amounts of therapy for both of us, I don’t see much hope there. Honestly, once he accepted that I wasn’t giving in and that the divorce was real, he was very agreeable to discussing terms and working with me on custody arrangements, housing, etc.

That’s not to say we didn’t have our drama, lord knows we did. Fortunately, nothing too physical towards me, he grabbed me a few times trying to force me to stay in a room to get yelled at, but I set him straight real quick there. His threats were mostly towards self harm.

The first time was back in February. He was still in denial that I had filed and was very angry about “losing the best things in his life”. He threatened to go downstairs and take his own life. Because I’m stubborn as the day is long and don’t have the sense God gave a goose I followed him down there. I ended up wrestling his gun away and locking myself and the toddler in the bedroom.

I should have called the p#ice. I still don’t know why I didn’t. Instead I called his brother and told him to come get him. They did and the next day I took the gun (that was unloaded and NEVER had ammo because he was manipulating me again) to his parents and said if that gun made another appearance in my home or around my child I would ensure he was never around her again. It hasn’t been seen since.

A few weeks later, on their bday (toddler and stbx share a bday) he jumped off my two story deck after my daughter’s bday party. I didn’t see it, I came down the hall and our 2 yo said “Mama, Daddy fall”. I walked outside and he was kneeling by my lawnmower, said he was fixing it. Obviously, my 2 yo hasn’t learned to lie yet.

I text my friend and said “I’m pretty sure he just jumped off the deck. He doesn’t seem hurt but idk what to do.” As I hit send I hear him on the deck talking to our kid. I looked out the door and he’s leaning off the edge obviously about to jump again. I LOST it. It probably wasn’t the appropriate thing to say, and I probably am a terrible person for saying it, but it worked and I don’t regret it.

I told him, “So help me God, if you jump off this deck and d#$, I will move and your family will likely only see her once a year. You jump off this deck and live and I guarantee you will never see her unsupervised again. You step back over that railing and get both feet on this deck right now, or I swear to God, I’ll make sure of it.” He stepped back on the deck pretty quickly.

He of course wanted to then argue about how I am driving him to this. How he doesn’t deserve to be left alone. I’m breaking his heart. I reminded him he spent the last almost 4 years now breaking my heart and spirit and I was done having this conversation. As I turned to walk away, this man grabbed my wrist to force me to turn around. I already had my phone in my hand and I never called 911 so fast.

The p#lice showed up and took him to the hospital for a psych evaluation. I was under the impression that a s#$%ide attempt in this state required a 72 hour hold. They released him after 2 hours, suggesting he talk to a therapist. I didn’t want to involve the police, I tried to avoid it, but I kind of wish I had involved them earlier. He has been much more docile and accepting since.

No more grabbing, no more threats. We still argue, but at least the worst part seems to have disappeared. It helps that even his parents are telling him “She called the cops on you, she’s crazy, let her go.” I’m fine with being labeled the crazy one. I’ve been called worse by better people.

TL;DR: Little bit of drama, but everything is going good now and divorce SHOULD be final in mid June!! Send good vibes!! Thank you again. Y’all were the voice of reason I needed, and you have no idea how many times I read those comments when I needed encouragement and felt like I had no one in my corner.

The internet was deeply invested.

jnello- wrote:

I’m glad you are aiming to be free. But from reading that my heart and stomach plummeted. Especially when you said he is now more docile and accepting. This particular time is now the most dangerous for you and your daughter.

He’s unstable and has access to a gun. You need to insist he’s never unsupervised around her. You need to stop being around him. I really hope I’m proven wrong here but everything is pointing to him escalating.

Impossible-Dark7044 wrote:

May be good to document all of these actions with your attorney. And that he be required to have supervised visitation for the foreseeable future, regardless of how he is acting now.

He still doesn't sound mentally stable enough to be a sole parent during his time with your child, or beyond some other action such as abducting your kid. Sorry you've gone through all this. But I think your child's safety should be your paramount thoughts.

OP responded:

Absolutely! Have made sure everything is documented and ensured he is in fact seeing a therapist. Fortunately, his time with our kid happens with his parents present, as he is staying there for now. They might not like me very much right now, but I trust them. They have made it very clear that I’m still family to them.

[deleted] wrote:

I’m proud of you for getting out. You gave him more chances than most would, and his own actions sealed the deal. He weaponized threats, manipulated your emotions, refused to contribute as a partner, and tried to keep control even through the divorce. You stayed strong through it all, for yourself and your daughter. Here’s to your peace, your freedom, and your future.