'My husband is best friends with his ex. I overheard them call me ugly at a party. Do I talk to him?' UPDATED

"My husband is still best friends with the girl he had a 6 year long term relationship, and admitted I was ugly when they recently hung out."

I have been married for 4 months now, and we had dated for two years prior. This girl has been in his friend group for quite some time now, and it was never an issue till recently. We had hosted a little celebration recently, and at a point all the ladies were gathered in a room, and I was chatting with her.

She's unmarried and 3 years older than me, and is stunningly pretty too (like model gorgeous).

So we were laughing and talking well, till she brings up my husband. Asking me how it's going and if he was troubling me in anyway (in a joking manner).

She then pulls her phone out and scrolls down to show me pics of his from before, I was surprised she still had pics of that time. But nearly every single one of them were during the time they dated, and when I got uncomfortable and told her to stop she just laughed it away.

My husband was in his 20s then, she called it his prime, and they travelled more that me and him ever did. What shocked me most was that she showed me pics and videos of them having travelled Barcelona twice, and this was shocking because when I told him about visiting that place, he outright refused it and said he hated that place, calling it boring.

At a point I was tired of her telling all their stories so I left. It was probably a bit stupid to get angry about something like this, but I decided to leave the room.

Later on, somewhere around late night, all his friends were down in the living room, one of their spouses had to breastfeed so I gave her a separate room for privacy. I thought of joining them all but then I heard one of the guys talking about how my husband's parents accepted me in the family.

(He and his family are all Koreans, and most of his friends mostly belong to the same community. I am from Indonesia and it was a lot of trouble when he told his parents about me.)

Though all of that has been fixed now, it felt weird to listen to that again cause a lot of sl-rs are still thrown around even though I've been living here for years. My husband told him its been tough but its alright now. And then his friend who I was chatting to earlier talks about how she had sent him on many blind dates with pretty women and decided to choose me.

They all were drunk, so maybe they didn't know or didn't mean those words but it still hurt a lot. They all started laughing loudly, telling my husband how I was a bit ugly according to his standards in the past and one of them even acknowledging his relationship with the girl.

My husband then said words I never imagined he would, telling them that I might be ugly but I married her. Someone who used to comfort me when I cried or bring me to shop and gifted me clothes, someone I was now trying to have a kid with admitting I'm ugly felt terrible.

All the incidents of the day just came down and I walked out before I heard too much. I decided to shower and then go to sleep before they all did, but even this morning, after they all left and my husband slumped back in bed I still keep thinking about it.

Its difficult to convince myself now that they're only friends, they have a longer history than I did with him, and his friends acknowledging it was even worse. This morning, despite his state he hugged her goodbye and arranged a pack of sweets he told me she likes and to enjoy on the trip back. Its been eating on my insecurity, especially after seeing the pictures.

My husband looked much younger, without the fine lines now appearing and the youthful look back then, a part of me is jealous I never enjoyed that part of him, whereas she's not only more rich than me, but also too pretty, and it hurts after being called ugly by someone who I thought loved me.

This has been bugging me for a while and also seems like a very stupid thing to confront about, so can any of you give me advice of what to do?

TL;DR: Recent union of friends resulted in my husband calling me ugly and having to scroll through his old pic with his ex.

EDIT: She even talked about sending each other bouquets without roses but gifts instead. I used to tell him that I wanted one of those for my birthday with books, but he told me he had better things in mind and never gave me one. iIfeel bad that he didn't do it when I asked him, but was a routine for someone before me.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the dynamic.

jammicam wrote:

Your issue shouldn't be with this woman, but with your husband. The man you married feels comfortable sitting around with friends and talking badly about you. A good man would have shut down that conversation and never allow guests in his home to degrade his wife in any way.

OP responded:

I had expected him to shut it down or even divert the conversation but he accepted it, and that's what hurts

Tremenda-Carucha wrote:

It's really tough to feel like you're not the priority when someone you love is still connected to another person in such a way... but you know what? You deserve to be treated with respect and to feel valued, and it sounds like you have a lot of strength already, what do you think would make you feel more confident in your relationship moving forward?

OP responded:

I currently feel like avoiding them as a whole and going out somewhere either by myself or my own friends.

Ok-Nefariousness4400 wrote:

Like I always say. It isn't a good idea to stay friends with exes when you are in a committed relationship. It has nothing to do with insecurities. More times than not it will cause issues one way or the other.

OP responded:

They've been friends for quite long, and all I know is that they broke up on simple terms.

Neacha wrote:

OP, he could have been telling the truth that he hated that trip and that it was boring. Also that he did not want to re do the same type of gift that he did with his ex. I do not feel that there is anything for you to worry about with their relationship.

When he said something to the effect of, she may be ugly but I married her, could you have misunderstood I mean, did he say maybe she does not look like girls I dated in the past but she is the one I chose to marry.

OP, you have to talk to him, you cannot go on feeling this way, if he does not make you feel pretty and beautiful to him, not because of the horrible weekend you just survived with his sh#$ty friends, but in general, then you should leave him.

OP responded:

Why does he still relate everything to what they used to do? If he's over her he should be normal with getting me stuff like this. Even refusing a trip with me, looking back , is suspicious.

The next day, OP shared an update.

So I shared about this incident to my friends, and they have urged me to make plans with them to Barcelona itself. I agreed and we went to do a bit of shopping for it. I have been feeling way better now after talking to them and all the support you guys gave too, so I'm really grateful.

My husband had been texting me continuously for a while now, I am staying at my friends house for a while. I texted him saying that I wasn't happy with the company he kept and told him about what his friend did (showing me their pictures). I also told him that he admitted I was ugly to his friends.

He's answered by saying that he was mostly drunk and didn't mean it, and that he and his friends culture is where its normal to comment on people's appearances and not take it to heart, and said all the cheesy stuff after that about how he still thinks I'm really beautiful, but I can't accept that anymore.

He told he'll talk to his friends about it and ask them to apologise. I also told him that I can leave if he still has feelings for his friend, and he said that it was all a past fling and there's a reason they broke up. He told I'm the one he wants to have kids with, but I feel like he wants me to be a baby producing machine for his family.

I am still looking for a lawyer and my brother has offered me help too, he got really angry after hearing about the situation. I have a place of my own where I might shift to after I come back from the trip. My husband is back to constantly calling, though i texted him to stop and he hasn't done anything yet.

I'm still a bit confused, but I think this trip is going to help me clear my mind. I haven't told him anything yet, and I am thinking of blocking him in my socials, though my friends suggest he see that I am living my best even without him.

TL;DR: We only talked over text, and I've planner a trip with my friends already.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

scarystardust wrote:

I remember you saying they are Korean and it's true about the toxicity in that culture the way they talk about "looks", but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Good for you!

OP responded:

I don't he's been constantly apologizing through texts and stuff and he just sent me pics of something he made with a sorry caption. I feel a bit bad for leaving it just like that.

disgraceful-hag wrote:

I strongly believe that culture is a big fat excuse when it comes to how you treat people. Yes. East Asians are obsessed with looks but so are Americans and every other person in the world. It isn't culture. It is the character of the individual.

Each person can make the choice to go against the grain and be a better, kinder person or not. Especially under your own roof where you make your own rules! There are Koreans who aren't AHs.

All he has to do is take your feelings seriously, but he made excuses instead. What he said isn't the only issue either. He doesn't even do things you want him to - no gifts, no fun memories. He doesn't appreciate you. He clearly is capable of being thoughtful and kind, just not to you. Actions speak louder than words. To be frank, he ain't shit. Have fun in Barcelona!

OP responded:

Thing is he never denied me everything. Instead of Barcelona, we went to Sydney, where I had fun too, and was 2nd option. He's never given my the bouquet I especially asked him for, but he gets me flowers and gifts.

Far_Comfort4450 responded:

Do you want to be his 2nd option for the rest of your marriage??? You have a lot to think about here. He will start giving you everything you wanted and want now to make up for what you heard and saw, but remember these are short term apology gifts and affection.

Once you forgive him things will go back to normal. I doubt he will give up his ex and friends for you because the moment they spoke badly about you he should have kicked them out and cut them off if he actually cared, loved, valued and respected you.

OP responded:

It had been a few years since they broke up, but I didn't expect him to still follow her. what you said really made sense.

starrry-dust4444 wrote:

I’m very glad you are taking a step back from this toxic situation. If a husband truly loves & respects his wife, he wouldn’t degrade her appearance behind her back and he certainly wouldn’t use some toxic aspect of his culture as an excuse.

I urge you to take your husband’s many apologies with a grain of salt right now. The longer you remain separated from him the more you’ll see just how truthful he’s being. I suspect your husband is a shallow & petty person at his core. He’s probably not the right partner for you.

tofuprincess89 responded:

This is true. I wonder why he even married, op? Is it because he settled because op is a wonderful person? But not really attracted to her? Is it because he is getting older and needed to be married asap? I remember a Korean guy who was 33 and I saw all the red flags so I had to avoid him.

His true colors showed when he didn’t get what he wanted and was verbally abusive. So I blocked him for good. He was also in a hurry to have a gf to be married. I’m so glad, op is brave and has good support

OP responded:

I've noticed this a pattern in many East Asian men, having stayed in Korea for years for my job, I've dated a few previously and they have the pattern of coming out as ab#$ive a few months into the relationship