'My husband is cheating on me but I don't know if I can blame him.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My husband is cheating on me but I don't know if I can blame him."

Hear me out. I needed to get this off from my chest. I'm 35F and he's 37M. We have two adorable children aged 5 and 9. Been married for 12 years. Within these 12 years, we've lost many of our relatives, friends, lost ourselves, grew together. I wanted to enhance my career and my husband helped me tremendously for that. He sold his business to help the kids while I worked my job.

It also helped us pay off our house loan too. He became a full time stay home dad while I worked outside. It was rough for me too, having to work in a male dominated workforce while ensuring everything is okay. Without him, I couldn't have done this. I've lost both of my parents in 2020, and 2021 respectively and he lost his mother in 2021.

Both of us were depressed combined with him not being able to vent out. I am an extrovert and had a lot of friends to talk to but he didn't. During October he met a single mom from our kid's school, and they began chatting casually. Let's call her S in this post. I began to spend more and more time outside for job and venting out to friends. It was like a d#$g to me.

I forgot the fact that I was neglecting someone and that someone is my husband. I denied him s#$. At times I used to belittle him and argue. There were a lot going on my mind at that time coupled with the fact I lost my parents, was depressed, was in too deep in adrenaline rush. In December, it was our 5's birthday, but I had an urgent meeting.

I know many of you are going to hate me for this but I am looking at a promotion this year and I really needed to visit that meeting. I wrapped up my meeting and was heading home when I got to know one of my friends had an accident and I was needed. I drove there and was late for my child's birthday.

That night we got into a huge argument where he talked about I needed to get off about my parents, I yelled back at him and said very hurtful things. I told him he needed to "man up" because I was the one earning. It threw him off a little bit and he stormed out of house.

He returned next day, we both apologized to each other, ultimately deciding to give us another shot. It was the first time we were intimate in months. He told me he loved me. Christmas week, the guy who had an accident passes away, I was devastated because he was a childhood friend of mine.

It plunged me further into depression. My husband wanted me to help but I yelled at him again. New year, I ruin his and our children's because of my stupid action which was to hangout with a friend of mine who returned back to the country after 3 years. I ended up spending the night at her place. First week of January, I see him being distant and on 8th January, he gives me the divorce papers.

Blindsiding me. I asked why..he told me he doesn't know who I am. I was not the person he thought I was. I changed and for worse. I don't ever talk to him(true) We weren't intimate(true), I belittle him in every step even though the sacrifices he made led us here(true), he wants someone to grow old together not someone who yells at him and demeans him, neglects family(true...).

He wants us to go separate ways so we can both be happy, he doesn't thinks I'm happy(lie), he's tired to being a doormat and me making him feel insecure(lie. I never told anything that would hurt him) I made a mistake because I was stressed out and yelled at him. It was awful for him and me too. I wasn't the person who I used to be.

Then he told me the truth of wanting a divorce. The day we got into an argument(our kid's birthday) he stormed out and went to S's house. They slept together. He confessed they both have feelings for each other, and it was the only time they did(he offered me his phone, passwords, accounts, everything) it was an emotional connection that turned physical just once. He told me he was broken and she mended him.

Told me he is sorry but he has a right for happiness too. I told him I want to work on us. Do couples therapy and quit my job. I love this man, but he's done...he told me he will move out, I can keep the house. Had I been a good spouse and partner to him, it wouldn't have happened....it's a dead end for us. I love him. But I need to let him go for his own happiness.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

u/650explorer wrote:

He’s done with you .. once those papers get swerved that means it’s over and he also found someone new.

OP responded:

He has...he told me he will be dating S after divorce but they're NC now.

Admirable-Lunch-7806 wrote:

I’m sorry to hear your situation, but i’m also glad you acknowledge it. It sounds to me that you’ve accepted it for what it is. Many people would still fight for their relationship…

…But this one is way beyond saving and is dead in the water. The incompatibility now is too huge to cross. Choosing to let go in this scenario is the mature option, and yes, it hurts a helluva lot, but I swear one day you’ll find happiness again.

OP responded:

I'm letting go of my happiness. I don't blame him for anything..even for committing adultery. I was so focused on myself that I forgot I had a partner to share my happiness and sadness to. He sacrificed his ambition, business and life to build mine and I destroyed him. I love him a lot but there is no saving it. He deserves happiness too.

derekthorne wrote:

You can’t fix this, but you can be a better mother to your kids. Work on that, and try to at least be friends with your ex. I’m really sorry things ended this way, but you seem to have the right attitude. Own this and salvage what you can. You seem very driven for a career, so now is your chance to really focus on that.

OP responded:

Yes..he has hurt me with cheating but... I drove him to that point..I made my bed...

u/Blade_982 wrote:

"But I need to let him go for his own happiness..." And yours. This is your opportunity to grow. To be better. To learn how to be a better partner for future relationships. And how to be a better parent now. This is your chance to grieve for those you've lost and decide on the future you want.

A wake-up call can both be devastating and liberating. "He told me he was broken and she mended him" People can't mend other people. That's faulty logic. She was a crutch for him when your marriage was struggling but to rely on her to fix him will hurt both of them.

OP responded:

You're right. This is an opportunity for both of us. I was the cause of his cheating and he is the effect of my negligence. I could've been a better spouse but I neglected him, withheld intimacy from him and verbally abused him multiple times. It was wrongful of me. I'm glad we are doing this and he can choose his own happiness. He's a wonderful man.

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

It's been 5 days I've signed the papers. We are civil. It is a consensual divorce and hence shouldn't take more than 4-5 weeks. He offered me the house, he will move out. He will have primary custody of our kids because he was there present for them.

I wasn't most of my time. The custody arrangement is going to take some time but otherwise we are good. Two nights ago, we sat down and just broke down. We told each other how we feel and apologized to each other. I told him I was sorry I couldn't be a dutiful wife.

It was good. I love this man more than I love myself but between out everyday life, I got lost. So lost I forgot him. I told him I won't wish him the best because he is the best. I also talked to S(see my last post) she apologized what happened and assured me that it was consensual, a one time thing and they both are attracted to each other.

She told me it was very shameful of her and knows I can't forgive her and she is sorry nonetheless. I told her to take care of him because he's a wonderful soul. I'm seeing a therapist right now. It's awful. I've learnt many of my flaws and have to work on them.

There's a lot to still uncover but for now. I've accepted what I did. It isn't easy, but I've paved the way for my husband to cheat. It was me who put him through this road. We also plan to sit and tell our kids during the final week. They don't know much except mommy and daddy are going through a rough patch because daddy did something mommy hated.

Apart from this, it's okayish. I have mental breakdowns in my work and I've met few friends. They understand what I'm going through but they're angry at me which is understandable and rightfully so. I don't know why I'm typing this except for me to get it off my chest, I love this man and I've treated him horribly.

There's no excuse to that. Cheating was his fault and I can't change that but I can change myself for better. Our marriage is finally coming to an end and I feel numb. Absolutely numb. Only God knows what he has for me on the road ahead.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

GuybrushThreepwoodVI wrote:

"We also plan to sit and tell our kids during the final week. They don't know kuch except mommy and daddy are going through a rough patch because daddy did something mommy hated."

So you've basically told the kids that the divorce is your husband's fault? After all your self-examinations, at the end of the day you can't bring yourself to admit any fault to your own children?

OP responded:

We still haven't talked to the kids. You know we can't tell them these. I'm planning to tell them we both made mistakes and broke each other's heart. Or mommy did something daddy didn't like.

susgoodtraplord wrote:

Again, the fact you’re blaming the divorce on your husband shows you don’t care about taking accountability. This is shitty and you know it. Your STBX doesn’t deserve to be thrown under the bus like that and your children deserve to know this isn’t their dads fault.

OP responded:

I'm sorry but do you want me to tell our kids that mommy was emotionally abusive because she worked long hours and we didn't communicate well enough and I wasn't attentive enough which was why we got into huge argument that made their dad sleep with some other woman?

Do you really think it's gonna help them? I'm not throwing him under the bus neither I'm throwing myself under the bus...sure it was my fault and I was emotionally abusive. I made tremendous mistakes and I sure have learned and still learning a lot from it but give me time to swallow it's all too much.

susgoodtraplord wrote:

No, if you were to tell your children that you’re divorcing because daddy did something mommy didn’t like you’re throwing him under the bus and you know it. He cheated in response to your emotionally abusive behavior- not saying this is right at all and you didn’t deserve that, but don’t try to sneakily reframe that shit to your advantage.

You can admit your fault to your kids without getting into specifics. Your reply back to me is actually quite good and you should use some of it- for example “mommy made big mistakes that hurt daddy very much and as a result we cannot be together anymore.

We love you guys very much, this has nothing to do with you and I will be working with your dad to fix my mistakes and have a good relationship with him again. I am sorry for hurting your dad and I am sorry for hurting you guys.” -feel free to use that if you’d like. Either way, your husbands indiscretion is not why this is happening and it would be shitty of you to frame it like that and make him look bad to your kids.

OP responded:

I wrote down in the comments that we still haven't sat down the kids and told them. I wrote that for the sake of explanation. We plan to talk ourselves first before speaking to kids and there's still time for that. I'm not going to throw him under the bus.

Blade_982 wrote:

See this as an opportunity to work on yourself. To be the best person and mother you can be. Go to therapy, exercise, work on your mental health, distance yourself from the bad influences in your life and lean on your friends for support.

Work towards 50/50 custody of your kids. They need both of you. In happy homes. And they shouldn't be introduced to new partners any time soon. And that includes S. They need to acclimate to their new normal.

Work through the grief of losing both of your parents and your friend. Grief is a terrible thing and healing is not linear. You need to find healthy coping mechanisms. Your husband telling you to get over their deaths must have been painful.

Be careful about taking this sub too much to heart. Don't spiral into shame and self loathing. You made mistakes whilst going though a hellish time in your life. They do not have to define you. Nor should they.

OP responded:

Thank you for this. I'm going to therapy and exercising. Work's been overloaded as before. We are going to split time and he will have the primary custody, but we both agree we love the kids and it's best if they stay with him most of the time. I've also talked about divorce and new partners with my husband. He won't introduce S to our kids yet. Thank you again Blade.

u/Scary-Inspector-8315 wrote:

This is the one time I turn a blindeye to the cheating even though it is completely wrong, he should have divorced before cheating but then again god knows he was already a emotional wreck and weak after the stunt you pulled in your child birthday.

You were pretty much ab$#sing and neglecting him, you claim to love him but you threw him and your marriage in the trash bin, and put every friend of yours above him, the stunt you pulled in the new year must have been the final straw, there should be a limit to how much you can take someone for granted. No wonder he got so done with you. Hoping he finds his happiness with S.

OP responded:

Turns out I've been diagnosed with Bi Polar II, still doesn't excuse what I did but I hope he finds happiness with S. I don't deserve it. I've come to terms with it.

susgoodtraplord wrote:

It honestly feels like you’re still missing the point, which is unsurprising given that the only thing you can see in life is yourself. I’m really glad he wised up and divorced you because even now after all the pain you caused him, all you see is that he’s leaving you for another woman.

You are selfish as hell and he’s leaving because you don’t care about him and he knows it. I hope you get the help you need but people like you usually don’t take accountability. How dare you even try and get sympathy.

OP responded:

I'm sorry, I missed the point where I mentioned in my post that I need/want sympathy. What do you want me to do? Tell me straightforward.

u/susgoodtraplord wrote:

It just makes me really upset that a big focus of this post is his cheating. I’m sure you are hurting, I’ve been cheated on myself and it’s terrible emotionally but.. I don’t really see in your post you seeking out resources besides therapy for your emotionally abusive behavior and I don’t want to see you sweep that under the rug to cater to your personal pain.

This is the time to work on yourself for your kids- it’s too late for the husband but you’ve got a lot of negative behavior patterns to work out for your family and id be less mad if you were focusing on your own transgressions here. I’m not saying forgive him right away but damn...at least understand he was probably trapped for a while trying to regain a normal relationship with you while you abused him.

My mother in my childhood was pretty selfish and saw her own pain far before she saw anyone else’s and a lot of her actions damaged my trust in her to this day. She still has not taken accountability for the things she did that hurt me because she decided my responses to her hurtful actions were more important to focus on than my pain. Don’t be that parent.

OP responded:

I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm not looking for sympathy or focusing on his cheating. Believe me when I say I still very much want to work on our marriage but there are a lot of surrounding facts that I can't avoid, coupled with my stressful job that really needs time and efforts and has me physically drained which is why I can't make our time for either even therapy or books or even myself.

Right now I'm in a very very uncomfortable position. I know I'm not the victim, but when I say I'm hurting, people don't take to believe me...there are things that I've said/did which tore my marriage bits by bits and I realized it too late.

Even now I'm hurting, I'm burning inside but I can't do anything about it except just swallow it up and accept it. This is how I'm feeling right now. Only if I could go back in time and slap myself right in the face to knock some sense. My marriage has sunken and it's just too much for me right now. I can't i just cant.

u/tincho5 wrote:

Are you telling the whole story? You weren't cheating on him? I find that a little hard to believe. From the description of the first post, if I put myself in your husband's head, I would definitely be thinking 'she is seeing someone, she is getting the emotional and physical attention from somewhere else'.

Are you sure you weren't even flirting with someone, having an emotional affair or something like that? And you are hiding all that in hopes you can get your husband back?

OP responded:

I wasn't cheating or seeing someone. Not even as flirting. My field of job is very challenging and it was my lifelong dream. It's quite messy and if I be honest, stressful. I had to rethink if I really wanted this, on top of that I had multiple pressures from peers, coworkers to hang out and it was just too much at all.

Important-Day-6144 wrote:

Why can't a couple work through difficulties without having to seek comfort in another partner? Life's a journey with all kinds of situations. It's not supposed to be easy all the time. That's how grow as an individual and as a couple. Your husband cheated on you. You had an argument and he spent the night in the arms of another woman.

You're much better off without him. He's the one who's insecure. He already had the scenario playing out in his mind. How'd he know he could go there and they would sleep together? They were probably plotting to get custody all along.i would fight for joint custody with every fiber of my being if i were you.

unimagon wrote:

Fight for joint custody? Judging from the tone of this post, she doesn’t even seem that interested in her kids. Obviously I can’t be 100% sure just from an online post but there are signs that she’s quite self absorbed in both posts.

If OP does indeed want to be there for her kids, then she absolutely should fight for more time with her kids rather than just agreeing with whatever her ex wants, which kinda seems to be the case here. At any rate I really am sorry for all the parties involved and I hope they can find a way to move on from this.

OP responded:

We haven't discussed about the custody arrangement yet. I'll surely fight for my kids if it's unfair to me. My point is, my husband spent most of his time with kids as he was a stay home dad. It would surely hurt him even more if I get more time than him, that is not to say I don't wish to see my kids. I love them. But I want it to be fair to both us and our kids.