'My husband didn't the feed baby. Again. AITA for contemplating ending the relationship?' UPDATED
"My husband didn't the feed baby. Again. AITA for my reaction?"
I (23F) am the primary caregiver for our son, I watch him all day until his dad (25m) gets off work around 6pm. I go into work from 7pm-12 and during that time he has to just make sure the baby stays alive during his sleep as the baby's bedtime is at 7.
I had a burnout a few weeks ago and knew I couldn't keep this up. Watching him all day, going to work, then watching him all night was destroying me so I had to tell my husband he needs to wake up at least once at night to feed the baby. He does. Sometimes.
For some reason, if the baby wakes up he will hand him to me while he warms a bottle??? I don't do this. If he wakes I leave him in the crib and warm one, I don't see the point of us both being awake but he will wake me up out of dead sleep and give me our son then take him back to feed him.
The bottle takes 4 minutes to warm. During those few minutes he will lay back in bed and somehow fall asleep so the baby doesn't get fed. He did this again last night for like the 20th time. I HAVE told him that if he cannot put the baby to sleep (98% he cant) to hand him to me.
Baby is now at the age where he prefers me over dad and sometimes will fight sleep for hours until he sees me. I assumed that's what he was doing. He had fed the baby and couldn't put him down so he gave him to me but he had NOT! The baby will fall back asleep on me whether he has eaten or not but he'll toss and turn and eventually wake back up from the hunger.
I sleep terribly when the baby is on me because I'm not a back sleeper and my brain knows the baby is beside me so it's on panic mode so I don't roll on top of him. I hate co-sleeping especially with all of us in bed. The whole point in him waking up to feed the baby is to let me get a few more hours of sleep!
I'm not getting that and now our baby won't settle for sleep again because he's starving and relentless. So me and the kid have been up since 5. This isn't the first time he's done this, he will make bottles and just fall back asleep and I end up having to be the one to do everything. I just don't understand how he can sleep knowing his son is hungry?? Tired or not??
Like I'm not tired too? I watch his son all day, I clean everyday, I cook everyday and then I go to work and have to come back and watch the baby all night?? I know parenthood is by definition a lack of sleep but it's not supposed to be solely on one parent! I'm seriously contemplating this relationship because I HAVE voiced my opinion multiple times on this issue.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
[deleted] wrote:
NTA. But what does the father say when you confront him about this?
OP responded:
He was the one who was pushing for himself to wake and help actually so I figured that was his compromise for it all. But he does apologize and says he doesn't remember falling asleep.
ittybittytitty_com wrote:
Now that he knows he can’t stay awake if he hopped back in bed, there is no reason he should be doing anything during those four minutes but standing there waiting for the bottle to finish warming up. He’s being selfish and hoping you’ll just do it yourself.
OP responded:
I tell him this! I don't understand why he cant just stand for FOUR minutes???
TypicalAddendum5799 wrote:
Wake him up every time you get up at night to feed the baby. Make sure he stays awake while you’re feeding. If that means turning on the light in the bedroom or feeding the baby in the dark but in bed next to your husband. When the pain he’s in is greater than the pain of change, he will change. At the very least he will understand how tired you are.
OP responded:
I will! The crazy thing is just this week he's started only waking up twice?? He used to wake up 4-5 times before. But he wakes at 6am so meaning I only sleep like 4 hours. if his dad could literally just do ONE feeding thats already half the work done!!
Gunofanevilson wrote:
First off, DO NOT CO-SLEEP WITH THE BABY, super dangerous. It happens, sure, but it only takes one second for the baby to be blue and gone - don't do that ever again. Next step, tell him he is not allowed back in your bed until the baby is fed - end of story.
I have triplets and I did night feeding and I never once just handed my kids back. That being said, some dads have a hard time adjusting to the new regime because they didn't carry that baby and it just takes time to stop caring about ones self over another. Don't get resentful, he can do better and you need to tell him as much. Good luck momma.
OP responded:
Yes! We don't co-sleep, if he's in the bed one of us is awake or I wait till he's knocked out to transfer him because I can't sleep with him in the bed beside me. I definitely think it's a slow process. I just asked him like 2 weeks ago to start helping and he just got this new job so it's definitely a balancing thing in my opinion.
Three days later, OP shared an update.
Just want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who gave thoughts, opinions, and advice! I realized pretty quickly I wouldn't be able to answer everyone and a lot of the same questions were being asked as well.
For starters my husband missing a feed doesn't hurt his medical condition because I make sure I double the amount before bed (allowed) and I'm always up around 4-5am to give him a feed regardless so he always gets his sodium supplements.
Look up hirschsprung's disease if you're interested to learn about our baby's condition. Also, I think some people got confused and thought him missing a feed was every night but it only happens about twice a month (still frustrating when it happens though).
Anyways, update starts here
Saturday we had a big discussion about sleep/feedings. I asked him why he hands the baby to me and he said he doesn't it because he can't hold him himself while getting milk (mixing supplements in) and keeping him in the crib to cry will wake me up more.
He normally will take the baby back 98% of the time. He said he will stop and bring the baby into the living room and let him cry there while he gets everything done. I asked why he falls asleep and he told me that he genuinely does not mean to and I believe him.
A lot of people went straight to calling him awful and a s#$t dad but I see this man everyday and can promise he is anything but that. He's just lazy! Or so I thought. I brought up sleep apnea because there were TONS of people saying to look into it. I asked him to tell me what sleep was like for him and I'll give you the short version.
He wakes up constantly because he feels like he loses his breath / heart stops but he does fall right back asleep so he doesn't mind it too much. He sweats so much he end up cold from being drenched (it's bad). His mouth is always dry and hoarse from his OBNOXIOUS snoring (it's god awful). During the day he has micro naps so his head is constantly bobbing at work.
He has to roll the windows down with the ac at full blast and music at max so he stays up while driving sometimes. Another thing that I myself have diagnosed him with (so I could be wrong) is sexsomnia (look it up). I did this YEARS ago because when we first started dating I noticed at night when we were dead asleep he would initiate s#x every night!
I went along with it but when we would wake the next morning he would always joke about how I was a wildcard at night and couldn't keep my hands off of him. I was baffled and told him I was just following his lead and he too was baffled! He had NO memory of anything he did at night to me or himself.
He STILL doesn't know when he does it. Intercourse, fondling, he has no idea.
Well guess what one of the causes for sexonnia is? SLEEP APNEA! He has done all of these things since I've known him. (Also he sticks his arm straight in the air and strokes it while he sleeps???
Very creepy and just want to let you know what I deal with)
We came to an agreement (because he fought me on seeing a doctor) , that he would have a telemed (virtual appt) with a doctor and if they advised us to come in we would yesterday before he went to work I set up the earliest appt we could get.
No surprise, she heavily advised he come in and start a sleep test with the clinic with all his symptoms including my awkward night time stories (really weird telling a doc your husband is a sex sleeper, the arm thing is apparently a self soothing thing too btw).
He was on the fence but she also said they offer a "sleep test at home" kit and we could do it ourselves! However, I don't know if I trust it, she said it's not as reliable and there could be issues that we wouldn't know about.
We have an appointment next week to see a doctor in person about this and will decide then, but I will leave it to him as it's his sleep and comfort. (The kit is covered by our insurance but it comes with the risk of being less accurate) We are making a sleep schedule but knowing he might have a sleep disorder I don't want him waking with the baby.
As of now, we agreed I should cut my hours down at work that way I'm not so tired. I can handle less sleep with less hours worked! I am upset with him because I only knew about his snoring and sweating. I had no idea he had trouble staying up and work or driving and that's frustrating because what if he had to watch the baby alone one day or if he hurt someone or himself on the road??
We're definitely going to have to have another conversation about honesty and communication because this issues could have been solved MONTHS ago. Thank you for listening and THANK YOU THANK YOU for telling me to bring up sleep apnea. This literally could be saving my husband's life and our relationship so thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Katygrrl wrote:
Make sure he knows that he can die from untreated sleep apnea. heart attack and stroke can occur while he's sleep-suffocating.
OP responded:
The doctor and I both heavily emphasized this to him. He's worried but not as worried as I think he should be but according to him, he's lived the past 10 years like this so another week or two won't hurt. Hopefully his luck stays up with that mindset :/
Middle-AgedBogwitch wrote:
I hope your husband takes this seriously. He is literally fighting for his life every single night and it’s taking a massive toll on his health. It’s also creating a safety risk for your baby. And, he’s gambling with his life and future be delaying diagnosis and treatment. So tell him to drop the stubbornness and do exactly what the doctor recommends as quickly as possible.
OP responded:
He hasn't been to the doctor once since I've known him and according to him mother the last time she took him he was 15 :/ it is incredibly frustrating. I tell him every other day to see a doctor as he always had some random or concerning pain.
Sharp_magician_6628 wrote:
This needs to be a hill you die on. Let him know in no uncertain terms that if he doesn’t go in to do a proper sleep study, he can pack his s#$t and move out. I know it seems extreme, but he is putting his life on the line. He is putting your life on the line every time he drives you, and he is putting your child’s life on the line
This CANNOT be negotiable.
Keep in mind, sleep deprivation is a form of torture, he has literally been torturing himself for 10+ years.
OP responded:
Yes once I heard the driving part I knew this wasn't a game anymore. I've already set his appointment and I'm driving him myself to make sure it's done. Also, luckily for us his best friend works at the same job and lives in the same apartment complex as us so he's offered to drive him to work until his appointment.
With all the help and support he's getting right now if he doesn't keep up his end of the deal I will have to fight him and drag him there myself.