'My husband keeps disguising criticism as asking questions and then gets mad at my reaction.'
"My husband keeps disguising criticism as 'just asking questions' and then gets mad at my reaction."
I (36F) am exhausted by my husband (38M) disguising judgment as “just asking questions." For background: I’m a SAHM with a small side business on weekends and some weeknights. My husband works full-time (usually about 60 hours a week).
We have three kids (5, 6, and 11). We’ve been together 10 years. He has pretty traditional gender expectations, which I’m actually fine with. I genuinely appreciate being able to stay home, especially because I homeschool my oldest who has learning disabilities.
That said, I am in charge of everything. Cooking, cleaning, bills, appointments (everyone’s, including his), shuttling kids, homeschooling, managing the household, all of it. I don’t resent that he works a lot; I understand that division. But it’s still a LOT. I also have severe ADHD.
There have been hiccups over the years. Only a couple major ones in a decade, and everything was resolved. The house is clean, but it’s messy. Bathrooms are clean. Kitchen is clean. Floors are clean. There’s just a lot of clutter. Part of that is because my husband is a hoarder and refuses to get rid of anything — and god forbid I do. It’s not an episode of Hoarders, just piles of random stuff everywhere.
The one chore I absolutely hate is laundry. Everyone always has clean clothes, but sometimes that means grabbing something from the dryer or the couch. In ten years, my husband has never fully run out of clothes. He’s had to wear pants he doesn’t like (that he refuses to get rid of), but somehow he’s survived. Here’s the real issue: he constantly asks “questions” that are clearly criticism or judgment.
Example: I made dinner last night. The starch was ramen (which he loves and usually complains when I make for the kids and not for him). He looks at his plate and goes, “What is this?” Like… he can’t see with his own eyes. I asked what he meant, and he says, “I don’t know, it just looks thrown together.”
So yeah, I got mad. Because every single meal is planned around him and what he likes. He liked everything on the plate, but it looked “thrown together”? And now I’m the problem because I have an “attitude.”
This morning, the moment I opened my eyes, he’s getting dressed and goes, “Do I need to go buy more clothes?” He has clothes. Plenty of them.
So again, I react. And again, it’s “you need to fix your attitude because I’m not dealing with not being able to ask a question in my own house.”
And somehow, he’s never the problem. It’s always, “It was just a question. You’re taking it the wrong way.” I don’t know how to make him admit that these aren’t neutral questions. They’re criticism and judgment. And that acting confused afterward is incredibly invalidating. He always plays dumb, and I’m exhausted.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Jmws1 wrote:
When my husband asks questions like what is this (when he clearly knows what it is)I either don’t answer, look at him like he’s a complete idiot or makeup something ridiculous like oh it’s worms. I just answer him back w sarcasm most of the time & he seems to get the hint.
OP responded:
Good idea. Maybe making him feel dumb enough times will get him to stop asking asinine questions.
Disastrous-assist-90 wrote:
Saying something to you that’s passive aggressive and crappy with an inflection at the end doesn’t mean it’s not passive aggressive and s***y. From now on when he asks a stupid question, give a ridiculous answer.
OP responded:
I think that's my plan. In addition to asking him a few passive aggressive shitty questions and acting shocked when he gets offended.
Ok-Complaint-37 wrote:
You are right. Attitude is his problem currently and he wants it to become yours so he could fight it. It is subconscious move of pushing negative behavior.
He has attitude. He evokes attitude in you by asking blaming questions and then he attacks your attitude.
It would be good to know what is going on with him and what creates now this unhappiness in him. Also, if you listen to him and make an effort to just answer his questions with calmness maybe it will teach him a lesson of humility and humbleness.
OP responded:
The answering calmly is a good idea. It’s just hard because I have issues with criticism from my childhood (it was constant and violent). So my body immediately goes into fight or flight when he starts criticizing…
Jumiric wrote:
Gaslighting might be a reach, but he’s being accusatory and negative and then deflecting when you react. I lived with someone like this for 2 years and it’s exhausting just like you said. If he’s not open to discussion, you could try couple’s therapy and get a professional between the two of you. This isn’t an attitude that changes, however.
OP responded:
Yes I don’t think he's a narcissist but it feels narcissistic-y? Like he has to know these questions are negative and to expect me to react positively is weird.
ContingentMax wrote:
You're totally right be be frustrated by bad faith questions. I'd try to turn it on him if he doesn't see the problem, but with your division of labor you probably don't have as many opportunities.
Maybe try answering his questions with clarifying questions, ask him if he really doesn't know what the food in front of him that he's had many times is, because if so he should be making an appointment with a doctor.
mrsjlm wrote:
I am not sure if it is constructive, but if he doesn’t like how you do something and expresses it in that kind of manner, I would be tempted to just say oh if you don’t like it, feel free to make something on your own. And have no more discussion about it. Obviously, if someone’s expressing an opinion, kindly, then you would take it into consideration, but not for that kind of thing.