'My husband disowned his mom after her affair. I didn’t. It's taking a toll on my marriage.' UPDATED

"My husband (29M) and his family disowned his mom (56F) after her affair. I (28M) didn’t. Now the emotional consequences are taking a toll on my marriage. Need advice."

I’m 28M and I’ve been with my husband (29M) for 7 years, married for almost one. This has been a genuinely good relationship. I love him deeply, and we’ve built something I’m proud of. He fits in great with my family, and I’ve always felt at home with his. I’m close with his younger brother and his girlfriend, but the person I’ve always felt the strongest connection with is his mom.

A few years back, I went through a rough depressive episode, and she was one of the only people who truly showed up for me. She didn’t treat me like “her son’s partner,” she treated me like family. I’ve always loved her for that. I’m close with my FIL too, but with my MIL, it always felt like more of a friendship.

Then, everything flipped. Just after Christmas, my FIL sat us all down and told us that she had been having an affair, and that it wasn’t the first time. He said he tried to make things work, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He was heartbroken, and it shattered the whole family. My husband and his brothers were crushed.

They all cut contact with her, and she moved out soon after. I get it. Cheating is a betrayal, especially after decades of marriage. I’m not trying to excuse what she did. But I also couldn’t ignore the fact that, during one of the worst times in my life, she showed me care and kindness when I felt like I had no one. That stayed with me.

A few weeks ago, she reached out to me directly. She said she was running low on rent and didn’t know who else to ask. She sounded anxious and desperate. I helped her. It wasn’t a huge amount, and she was incredibly grateful. She asked if I’d be willing to meet her for coffee. I said yes.

When we met, she broke down. She told me she’d tried reaching out to her sons, but none of them responded. I listened. I didn’t try to defend her or fix anything. I just tried to be there for her, the way she once was for me.

Later that evening, I told my husband about it. He completely lost it. He said I betrayed him and went behind his back, and he left the house. The next day, I tried to explain where I was coming from. I told him I wasn’t trying to choose sides. I just reacted to someone I care about being in a tough spot. He didn’t say much, just told me not to do it again.

When his brothers found out, they were disappointed in me too. They said I crossed a line and should’ve respected their decision to cut contact. Now I feel stuck. I understand why they’re upset. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just couldn’t turn my back on someone who once didn’t turn her back on me.

I wasn’t trying to undermine their pain. I was trying to act with compassion. I’m not here to justify what I did, and I understand why my husband feels hurt. I acted on instinct and compassion in a tough moment, but now I feel like I’ve damaged something really important. I’d really appreciate advice as to what to do further? How do I navigate this?

The internet had a lot to say.

No_Doubt9769 wrote:

Where you went wrong is not talking to your husband first before meeting your MIL. No matter if your decision was helping her out no matter what he said. You should have still let him know first how you feel and why. Going behind someone’s back and asking sorry later is not how loving relationships works.

damaboor wrote:

Probably should have talked to your husband first before going behind his back. I get you wanted to help, but he is your partner who is hurting and you deceived him just like his mother.

violue wrote:

In this kind of situation, people choose sides. Especially when it's fresh. You have to remember that cutting her out isn't just about them not wanting to see her, it's also about punishing her. That is part of why your husband's family is angry.

I won't say whether punishing is right or wrong, ostracism can be very complex. When people in your orbit initiate something like this, your choices are to participate or to not. If you're not participating, then likely to them you are undermining their "punishment."

I think to your husband, she's HIS mother, your relationship with her exists through him, so if she is out of his life, he expects her to be out of your life too. I'm sure to you helping her meant that your love for her was stronger than your disappointment in her actions. For people that were more hurt by her actions, it's just going to read like condoning.

Unfortunately, we don't really get to choose how our actions impact others. Beyond that, you say you acted on instinct and compassion, but is that true? You make it sound like an involuntary action, that you took her call, met her for coffee where she talked about her songs not responding, and gave her money...all without thinking about how everyone else would feel about it?

I don't believe that. I think the first step is owning your actions. You either own them as a CHOICE you made that you deeply regret and wish you could change, or you own them as a choice you would make again in a heartbeat.

That means telling your husband either "I regret meeting with your mother, I should have cared more about how it would impact you" or "your mother means too much to me and I'm not willing to cut her out of my life." Then I guess you go from there. There's no way to get out of this without hurting someone. But do remember who created this situation. It wasn't your husband or his brothers.

[deleted] wrote:

The difference between your tough time and her tough time is that yours was brought on by mental illness (depression) and hers is the consequences of her own actions (cheating). I get that you wanted to return the compassion she showed you but you should let sleeping dogs lie.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Lost access to my previous account, so posting it from here. I didn’t expect my post to gain the kind of traction it did. I genuinely appreciate the advice many of you offered.

Some responses were a bit… nuclear (understandably, the internet), but I did take in a lot of perspectives that helped me reflect. I want to share some context that I didn’t include in the original post, which I now realize was important. A few years ago, I went through a rough depressive episode.

My husband and I were doing long-distance at the time—he was working abroad—and while he supported me as best he could, it was hard. His mom was the one who showed up in person. She dropped by often, made sure I was eating, even came with me to therapy a couple of times. It wasn’t some grand gesture, but it mattered. That kind of consistency stays with you.

So when she reached out a few days ago, anxious and saying she didn’t know who else to ask, I just reacted. I helped her with a bit of money—from my personal account, nothing major—and I agreed to meet her for coffee. I didn’t tell my husband before doing it, and that was where things really unraveled.

He was blindsided. We’ve always been the kind of couple who talks through the hard stuff, and I acted completely on my own. I see now how that felt like betrayal to him. After a bit of space and some heavy conversations, we talked properly. He told me he’d spoken to his younger brother and finally got the full story about their last attempt to reach out to their mom. It wasn’t just an argument—it was bad.

She said things that were apparently cruel and deeply personal, the kind of stuff that cuts years deep. I hadn’t known any of that. Neither of us had. Hearing it changed something for me. The woman I saw at coffee was warm, vulnerable, even a little lost. But that’s not the woman his brother dealt with.

And maybe both are real. Maybe she’s unraveling. Maybe she’s always been complicated. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that my husband’s boundaries are valid. He told me clearly that he’s not ready to reconnect with her, and that he’s not comfortable with me being in touch with her either.

And after hearing what I’ve heard, I understand that. I’ve told him I’m stepping back. If she does reach out again, I’ll tell her that I can’t be the person in the middle—not unless something genuinely shifts between them first. We both apologized. He for shutting down so quickly, me for making a decision without him when I shouldn’t have. We’re okay now.

I still think there’s something more going on with her—emotionally, maybe even mentally. She’s been a stay-at-home mom most of her life, her siblings live abroad, and from what I’ve heard, she’s already asked her friends for help before coming to me. That doesn’t excuse anything, but it does make me think about how lost she might be right now.

Still, that’s not something I can fix. Right now, my focus is on us. I can care about what his mom did for me in the past and still recognize that she’s hurt people I love. This whole situation has been messy and a bit surreal. We didn’t walk away from it with everything fixed, but we’ve come out of it with a better understanding of where we each stand.

We handled it the best we could, and at the end of the day, we’re still solid. Still, I can’t lie—there’s a part of me that feels pulled toward who she was for me during that rough time. Letting go emotionally feels messier than I expected. How do you emotionally let go of someone who was once there for you, when the situation clearly calls for distance?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

Couples resolving issues like adults (talking them out and listening to each other) is always nice to see in an update.

IAmHerdingCatz wrote:

I think your comment about "maybe she's always been complicated" is probably spot-on. Most people are complex, and you only see the side they allow you to.

Chuck60s wrote:

Tough situation for sure. In the end, you only knew the part of her she was willing to show you. Her compassion when you needed a friend was undeniable. However, there seems to be a lot more about her that you truly don't know and probably never will.

You tried to support her in a similar way that she supported you. That part is now done. And while you may not think of it as being in the same meaningful way, it was for her. Let it go and feel good about being compassionate to her, but let your husband and his family dictate any further involvement. Best wishes.

amidtheprimalthings wrote:

This is a healthy update and brave of you to recognize that the person you knew, who helped you, and the person who caused a lot of hurt are not mutually exclusive. They are both capable of existing at the same time, and they both come with their own type of grief in a situation like this.

Reconciling the love and esteem you have for someone who fundamentally supported you through darkness is so challenging in light of them creating that darkness for someone else (many someones, really). Do you think maybe some therapy might help you short-term in processing these feelings? I commend you and your husband both for communicating and giving each other grace during this.

It’s easy to lose sight of things when we are fraught and emotionally charged. You both came together, created space and acknowledgement for one another, and came to the resolution you have now - however fragile it feels, it’s still progress. Things will become easier with time and a little bit of distance from it. Good job!