'My husband of two years snapped at me. He doesn't want his kids to be like me.' MAJOR UPDATE

When someone tells you how they feel about you, believe them.

In a popular post on the Relationships subreddit, a woman asked for advice after a big fight with her husband.

"I've [31 F] been with my husband [35 M] for 2 years and together for 10. He doesn't want his kids to be like me."

This morning I told my husband that his mom's good friend passed away. He was upset both about the passing, but mostly with me for telling him on his way to work. He said, "are you f#$king retarded?" and told me that he didn't want his kids to turn out like me (we don't have any kids yet). He thinks I have no empathy.

I told him this morning because my mother tends to wait until she thinks it's the right time to tell me about deaths and other uncomfortable things and I think it's very controlling. Also he's always told me that he wants to know things right away. But he was mad at me because now he's gonna be upset all day at work. Which I get, now, but I really felt like I was doing the right thing for him.

We are good most of the time, but he's going through a really stressful patch right now. I've been trying to shoulder a lot of the stress, let him take it out on me, etc. I just feel so bad for ruining his day and I honestly feel like sometimes I'm ruining his life. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to get divorced but I don't want him to feel like this. He says I'm bringing nothing to our relationship when I feel like I do so much for him.

I am willing to answer any other questions to clear things up. I honestly don't know what I am looking for by posting here. I just feel really lost.

TL;DR: Husband doesn't want our kids to be like me.

The internet had a lot of comments and questions for OP.

Montaron87td wrote:

"are you f**king retarded?"

This is either a completely disproportionate reaction or you're not telling the entire story. What did you say to him exactly?

Edit: From your comments, I'm inclined to say I hope your children won't be like him.

OP responded:

I said "your mom's friend Clara passed away". He said "Clara Miller?" I said "yeah Mike and Clara? She was at our wedding?" I think his reaction was due to my poor timing and the past issues he has had with my social awkwardness.

Montaron87td responded:

So what if he talked to his mom? Then he'd know through her, is that a bad thing?

OP responded:

No, but sometimes he has a tendency to be a little insensitive with her as well. He like, blew up at her for being flighty on the day she found out his dad had cancer, and then felt bad afterward because he didn't know everything that was going on.

Montaron87td responded:

He sounds like a very angry person...

OP responded:

He definitely can be. He's gone to anger management a couple of times, and he's a lot better than he used to be.

nacreous wrote:

I'm trying to imagine this same conversation between my wife and I, and the worst response I can think of, that I might actually say, is "Man, I wish you'd told me that some other time, love. Work is really gonna suck now." OP's husband sounds ab*sive to me.

OP responded:

Yeah in hindsight it would've been better to tell him after work. I was just worried about him talking to his mom in the meantime and not knowing, I wanted him to be prepared.

Nancyfuqindrew wrote:

So you make the effort to not do things that upset him, but he is under no such obligation and in fact blames you for the things he does that upset you. Really seems like emotional ab*se. Do you have options for help if you need it?

OP responded:

Yeah my parents and my brother live like 20 minutes away.

sgdoug02 wrote:

After reading all of your comments in this thread I ask that you please, please listen to me. I've been in your shoes. You don't equate it to abuse because you're used to it. When you got together, I bet he wasn't like he is now. I bet that slowly, over time, he just got more and more berating and controlling. And you likely tell yourself that it's just stress, but it's not.

He's using you as a verbal punching bag, and you should go before you become a literal punching bag. I was in a relationship with my ex fiance for almost 7 years. I had been told for YEARS that the way he treated me wasn't proper, but I just thought that they didn't understand. "They just don't see the nice things he does for me every once in a while!", I'd tell myself.

And when we moved to another city to be closer to my university, and to his father, every bad thing was my fault. It was my fault that he wasn't close to his old high school buddies, and it was my fault that he didn't make more money. It was also my fault that he didn't ace an interview, and if I wanted to see my family, I was being selfish.

When my vehicle broke down, he just decided we would both rely on one vehicle (aka I had to ask permission to drive his truck). When it came time to get a phone, he decided one cell phone would be best for the both of us (aka I couldn't talk to anyone without his permission). When we moved and I needed a bank account, he just added my name to his account.

And he would NEVER flat out tell me I couldn't go somewhere, but he would guilt trip me so f**king much that I'd just cancel plans with all of my friends. He slowly isolated me over time, until I didn't feel like I'd have a leg to stand on even if I did leave. And when I'd get to a point where I considered leaving, he'd cry and tell me that he loves me and that he'll be better, if only I'd stay.

It's a cycle, and you're an active participant. You should take a moment and seriously consider your relationship, and your options. No one deserves to be talked to like that over running out of gas, or because they're having a difficult week. It's not healthy. And you should also think about why you were talking to other guys. Did they give you attention?

Make you feel good about yourself? I did it too. I thought it was because I was a bad person, but it was because I wasn't happy, no matter what I tried to tell myself. I was actively seeking affection from others, and I think you are, too.

Just please think about it. If you need to talk to someone, I'm here. I will listen to whatever you have to say, and I'm more than willing to try and help you find an out, if that's what you decide you want. I'm in a two year relationship with someone now, and it's a world of difference. It's only now that I realize just how toxic of a relationship I was in, and I would never want anyone else to be in that situation.

OP responded:

We haven't moved away, but he does blame me for quitting his old job. He says he would've had a career there now and been making a lot more money (when in reality he had already been demoted and was miserable there). He blames me because I said we weren't spending enough time together (he was working nights).

When we are with my family he always wants to leave early or if I go by myself he pesters me and reminds me of stuff I have to do at home or with him until I leave. We had one car for several months and even now with the gas thing: He told me he would bring me the gas can when he picked me up last night.

Then he picked me up and we went to eat instead and he said he would send me with the gas can in the morning and I could sort it out myself. So when we were leaving I asked about the gas can and he said we didn't have time, he would sort it out tonight.

My name is on the bank account, but he has taken my debit card away and says that we are doing much better financially now because of it. I always check with him if it's okay before I go anywhere, but there's always a problem with it later. I could go on and on about that topic. But here's the thing. I love him so much and I don't want to leave him.

Before I married him, I really thought a lot about unconditional love and what that means. And I played through some really f&*ked up scenarios in my head and confirmed that, yes, I would still love him if he did any of these things. I took my promise to him very seriously. And really, like I said, things are really good most of the time.

Yes I was talking to other guys because they made me feel good and valued what I had to say and thought my hobbies and interests were interesting. Maybe it was a mini-midlife crisis. I don't know. But really at the end of the day I wanted my husband more than I wanted any of that. I still do. I love him and I love our life together.

sgdoug02 wrote:

Then the best I can tell you is that you both need counseling to sort it out. He's displaying all the classic signs of being emotionally ab*sive, and if you're this compliant, then it's been going on for a while. If you are insistent on staying, you'll need to lay out all of this to him, and go to counseling.

I honestly don't think the two of you should have kids unless you get this sorted out. My ex fiance's dad was the exact same way, and although he loves him, the way he saw his dad treat his mother and him and his brother did fuck him up. And then he ended up the same way.

If he has anger issues now, it's not going to change when you have kids. Kids push every button you have, no matter what. Just because you think he won't act like that around them, doesn't mean he won't.

Four years later, OP shared a major update.

It took me 3 more years, but I finally left him last year. This post helped me see how much was wrong in our relationship, but I was still so hesitant to leave. We had pets and a beautiful home together and I loved his family and we had so many inside jokes and plans for the future.

But eventually it was all just too much for me to take any longer. The day after his parents' 50th anniversary party, I told him I wanted a divorce. I just couldn't see myself living like that for 50 years. I moved from the suburbs to the city with a friend. I rekindled some old friendships from high school and made a bunch of new friends who I am so thankful for. He kept the dog, I took the cats.

I thought my life was ending but it was just beginning. I told my (very religious) family and they were all understanding and supportive. I've maintained friendships with a good number of our mutual friends, friendships I was worried about losing. I'm working on my masters degree and volunteering and experiencing life and love and art and beauty like I never thought was possible.

I met a guy at a friend's punk rock show and we hit it off, but we are taking things very slowly. He is wonderful and so kind to me. If you are in an ab*sive relationship, please don't be afraid to leave. It gets so much better. I still miss him from time to time. I feel guilty about getting divorced, guilty for wasting my parents money on a failed marriage. I miss his parents. I miss my dog.

But I am SO MUCH happier. My future feels uncertain, but that is better than feeling like a death sentence. Thank you so much to everyone who offered advice and sympathized and even had harsh words for me deciding to stay.

TL;DR: Left my ab*sive husband. Life is much better.

EDIT: for those saying it didn’t sound that bad or ab*sive, you should know it got worse. It did escalate to physical ab*se, us sleeping separately/no intimacy for a year. If you think you are too old or too much trouble or have too much baggage or are too much anything, please believe that it is possible to find love again. Both loving yourself and having someone else love you 💕

The internet was so happy to hear an update.

[deleted user] wrote:

I am so happy you finally were able to put that behind you and start a new life. And don't think about it as a failed marriage because you tried so much. Sometimes things don turn out how we expect but thank god were alive for another change. Curious, what happened to him?

OP replied:

He’s gone completely no contact, but I can only hope he’s doing well.

maedocc wrote:

"My future feels uncertain, but that is better than feeling like a death sentence."

Yes! I remember reading once that what human beings are scared of most is uncertainty. So in a way, staying with your ab*sive husband -- while awful and full of emotional ab*se -- was the safe option because you knew what you were in for. Leaving him was an act of bravery and I hope your future is full of warmth and love.

mystery_b*tch wrote:

Good for you OP and thank you for the update. Sometimes it is so hard to leave unbalanced situations like that because at least you feel like you "know" your situation, and that can feel better than the unknown.

I know how horribly he'll react to this so I can prepare for it. I know to walk on eggshells so I am ready for it. You do your best to act as your partners "handler", like some kind of lion tamer. But relationships should not be like that. I am happy for you!

shimmy_doodle wrote:

Congratulations! I'm so so very happy for you for changing how your story ends, please keep telling others so more people can be inspired to leave ab*sive relationships like you have! It must have taken so much courage to take that leap, but so worth it!

And I totally understand where you came from and where you're going, my child's father would ask me such deprecating questions too, he broke me till one afternoon I was so low I hurt myself without thought, believing I deserved to be punished because I struggled to make him happy.

But the moment I felt the pain I realized I was hurting myself for someone who obviously doesn't love me, when I should be healing myself for my child's life. I eventually left him a few months later, and my life soared after that! 7 years later I now have a happy home to myself and my little one with our cat.

I spend my days free to do what I want with out walking on eggshells, my skin itself has cleared up because im not drinking as much, and my stress levels are down one million percent, Ive created hundreds of pieces of happy art and best of all, I met an amazing man who takes care of me and respects me who is everything I ever wanted! IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!!!

It sounds like OP is off to much better things in her life.