'AITA for calling my husband a deadbeat for missing our son's Disney birthday because he fell asleep?'

AITA for yelling at my husband in public at Disney World because he fell asleep on our kids birthday?

heggothethirdoption writes:

My (30F) husband (31M) has this wonderful gift of being able to fall asleep in any situation. I first noticed this talent when we were dating. We would be texting, and then he would stop responding and wake up the next day saying, “Sorry, I fell asleep.”

Now, I recognize that is totally normal, but it started happening every single night, no matter the conversation. Once, I was texting him about some heavy stuff I grew up with, and he was texting and sympathizing, and then immediately stopped responding because he just fell asleep. But once again, we were dating, and it was texting, so I get it.

But then we moved in together. He would constantly, without warning, go to bed. He would get up in the middle of watching movies, claiming he needed to go to the bathroom, and then 30 minutes later, I would go upstairs to find him asleep.

One time he took my dog out while I was doing the dishes, and then I found the door wide open with him nowhere to be found because he thought I would “take care of the rest of it” and he went to bed. We had a VERY serious talk after that, with a lot of resentment building up over him leaving movies and board game nights, and he did get better.

Since then, we’ve had kids, and minus a few times he’s done it where I truly blame exhaustion, he’s been consistent with not doing it anymore. Until tonight. We planned a multi-day trip to Disney World with all my husband’s family to celebrate my son’s birthday.

It has been a Herculean effort to pull this all off, and the price tag has been hefty, but in my mind, the memories are the things I care most about. My son LOVES outer space, and the plan was to have dinner at Epcot’s Space 220 Restaurant.

The plan was that MIL and I would take the kids to meet one of their favorite characters, and my husband was going to bring his one present (a new BB8 he can assemble with his dad) to the restaurant, and the rest of the family would meet us at 6 pm for dinner.

Well, everyone showed up but my husband. I called and called and called with no answer. We eventually just sat and started eating without him, and he missed our son’s entire birthday meal. I was HEARTBROKEN, mostly for my son, who didn’t understand where daddy went because he and his dad both love space.

I went to the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out and then went back and was as present with my son as possible. I saw my husband's location and knew he was still at the hotel, and I knew he probably fell asleep, so I was pretty upset.

My husband eventually woke up and met up with us for the fireworks and never even apologized. He brought the gift with him then, so I guess that at least worked out. I don’t believe in fighting in front of my kids, but I couldn’t contain it and had us go over to a less crowded area and just started yelling at him.

I asked what happened, and he said he just wanted to take a quick nap and thought he would wake up in time. He didn’t even set an alarm. He said it wasn’t a big deal since my son’s birthday is technically tomorrow, but we were only able to get reservations for that restaurant tonight, which is why it was such a big deal.

We went back and forth on this, yelling over fireworks, and I essentially called him a deadbeat dad who didn’t care. This is the kind of behavior my parents would pull, and I was just so angry I couldn’t contain it.

He’s sleeping on his brother’s hotel couch for the night because he is so angry at me for yelling at him in front of people, let alone calling him a deadbeat in Disney. I am still so blindingly mad I can’t even tell if I’m in the wrong.

I know what he did was bad and that he is definitely an asshole for it, but am I an asshole for making it worse? I feel like I just made my son’s birthday worse and like my in-laws are going to hate me after this. Please give me judgment so I can know how to fix this.

OP added more contexts:

I should have added this, he has had assessments done several times throughout his life, and he does not have a sleeping condition. He’s very openly someone who is avoidant to any conflict, so he sometimes uses it to get out of doing stuff (i.e., not wanting to finish a movie, so he just leaves and thus doesn’t have to talk to me about not wanting to finish watching it).

Even if this was an accident, he could have apologized. My speculation is he was over hanging out with his family and just wanted to be alone. And before anyone speculates further, he has zero other diagnoses for anything else. He is neurotypical in every way.

I need to emphasize that the time my husband had to go to the hotel and back to the restaurant was only an hour. I was concerned, even if he didn’t nap, that he wasn’t going to make it in time because the hotel is like a 20-minute tram ride to begin with. He really could not justify even a 15-minute nap.

Here are the top comments:

FloofyDireWolf says:

To anyone thinking it's a medical condition OP has said his assessment showed nothing out of place and that his family explained he uses this as a way to avoid things he doesn’t want to do.

Seems to me that he’s continuing to do that and be inconsiderate, using sleep as an excuse. My husband falls asleep in the middle of things all the time but he sets alarms for important things that are scheduled. He’s never missed dinner or an important event. He might forget to take out the trash because he was asleep. Nothing that is a big deal.

Either he is willing to make changes (setting alarms and backup alarms - 100% of the time when he has something to do, or he’s telling you that it your needs are not a priority. Seems like he’s kind of selfish and a little lazy.

StangledinMoonlight says:

He only had 15 minutes to nap anyway, and didn’t even set an alarm. He had zero intention of being there for dinner.

ConstructionNo9678 says:

Honestly, the fact that he doesn't apologize or acknowledge that he fucked up is what makes me suspect it's more him being a dick than anything else. I have issues with insomnia. They get worse when I am stressed. Sometimes I fall asleep during the day, especially if I'm in a cool, dark place. I also sometimes take quick naps, because if you're running on 4 hours of sleep, then even 15 minutes of rest makes your body feel better.

The key difference is, when I nap before an event I set 2 (possibly 3) alarms to make sure I'm not running late. If I fall asleep during an event, I apologize because I know it's inconsiderate to the people I'm with.

Chloeleachwx says:

NTA. He needs to see a therapist if it's not medical. You deserve a husband who is present, and your kids need a father who values their important moments. You're done making excuses for his absence.

What do you think?