'My husband fell in love with another woman and wants to try polyamory.' UPDATED 3X

Relationships change and evolve over time, but evolution needs to be compatible with both people in order for it to work.

"My (33F) husband (34M) fell in love with another woman and wants to try polyamory."

Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids.

Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her. He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late.'

They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into s#xting.

She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused.

So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts.

I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship…I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it.

He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to poly*mory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her. He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another.

I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works. But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in.

Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still…

Could you guys give me your opinions on this? Thanks a lot.

Commenters did not hold back.

Anoncommenter wrote:

I'd be divorcing so fast.

DogOfTheBone wrote:

So he cheated and now wants to be able to keep cheating by calling it poly, lol. Come on. Do not have kids with this man for the love of God and if you have any self respect you'll be serving him divorce papers soon as possible. Sorry your husband is a cheating a$$.

swampcatz wrote:

You got married under the assumption you would remain monogamous. He is trying to fundamentally change the nature of your relationship. If I were you, I would drop any attempts at conceiving and figure out your next steps. Personally, I would not stay with someone who desired an open relationship. You need to decide if it’s something you’re willing to entertain or not.

HilMickaelson wrote:

He cheated on you and is now pressuring you into a open marriage. A polyamorous relationship only can work with proper boundaries and trust. However, he already broke your trust by having an emotional affair.

Just curious, what will you do if she gets pregnant by him, or if she starts pressuring him to give her a child after you become pregnant from him? What will you do if he wants to bring her into your home? Also, do you really think he will give you the same attention he's giving you now and won't start spending money on the other woman to spoil her?

If you still go for the open marriage, establish proper boundaries, don't bring a child into the relationship, and start seeing other men too - don't let him be the only one enjoying other people. Also, evaluate whether he isn't just using you as a maid or for financial stability, and that's why he wants to keep you while enjoying his time with other women.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

First off, sorry I didn’t reply to all your comments. I am very thankful for them; they helped me realize hard (but fair) truths about the whole situation. I waited for a bit to think about it all and had multiple long discussions with my husband.

I wanted to confront him before making a final decision. To answer some of your questions: the other girl wanted to meet him, but they never did. Partly because my husband refused, but honestly, mostly because she lives too far from here. I still got checked for S*Ds, though, and I'm clean (yay!).

As for our polyamory friends, they apparently were the ones who suggested him to go down the polyamory road. I stopped talking to them for now; I'll deal with the bigger problem first. I told him his actions hurt me deeply and that while I appreciated him admitting his affair, it was still infidelity.

I told him what you guys said: that turning it into polyamory was merely greenlighting the affair after the fact. That polyamory should be built on mutual trust and communication, which he already broke. That I didn't feel respected. It destroyed him. He said he already knew, deep down, but didn’t want to admit it, neither to me nor to himself. We both screamed and cried a lot.

He finally admitted he wanted to open the marriage for selfish reasons. He is very sorry. He cut off contact with the other girl, let me fully access his computer and phone, and now wants to go to counseling to repair our relationship and marriage. He is showing me a lot of affection and attention since then, although he admits himself it's sometimes out of guilt and not just out of pure love.

And now I want to make it work too, but…am I? Or is it sunk cost fallacy? I don't know. Our first session is in two months (the earliest we could get), and every day I change my mind. Literally yesterday I wanted to leave him, while today I think it's worth giving it a try.

We've known each other for so long, we understand each other on a very deep level and have already built so much together. He was there for me during hard parts of my life. He took responsibility for his actions and is really trying. Plus, if I leave him, I'd have to start my life nearly from scratch: find a new place to live, go back into dating for the first time in 12 years. I don't want to lose everything.

It sounds very hard and scary. Am I not too old for this? But at the same time, that's a form of denial, isn't it? It doesn't matter if those years were good; it's not going to be the same. Even if he gains my trust back, even if I forgive him, I'll never forget. I think he is genuinely remorseful, but isn't it too late for that? I am too empathetic, him being present now doesn't erase what was done.

Do I want to stay not because I still believe in this relationship, but because don't have the strength to ask for a divorce? Because it's the easy choice, some kind of co-dependency? I have no idea. I can picture both paths clearly, and it's tearing me apart. I am lost, maybe even more than I was when I wrote my previous post.

I've lost sleep and appetite, and I'm not sure I enjoy anything in my life anymore. I booked an appointment with a psychologist, for me alone, to help with this whole thing. I am sorry; at this point, I am rambling. I know I am the only one who can decide what's okay and comfortable for me or not. It's ultimately my choice and my choice only.

The emotional hell I am going through just makes thinking about that choice very hard and paralyzing. I'll go to both therapies and try to see what to do from here. I'll try to update, but it's probably going to take a while. I am sorry. I want to thank you again for your support, and I am sending you guys a lot of love.

Shortly after posting, she shared another update/clarification.

EDIT: A couple of info I should have mentioned but didn't because putting all of that into writing without omitting something is much harder than I thought. He cut off contact with her because once he told him he was married and wanted us both, she just ran away and broke up with him. There are times since then where my husband starts feeling sad or angry because of what's basically withdrawal.

And for that he's smart least sensible enough not to blame me.

What kind of marriage did we had before this crisis? It will sound so naive…it's my first and only romantic relationship, we were very close and basically grew as adults together. We could talk about anything and understand each other.

We shared the same values and interests. What changed…I think…is that we got into a routine and he got bored. During our argument he said he was addicted to the attention the girl was giving him and that he felt I didn't show him I was in love with him enough anymore. I told him that even if it was true, he should have told me instead of having an affair.

On one hand I have my faults too and I could accept this as one of them, on the other I was taking care of him and the house while he was sick. I don't think he believes it, I don't think he means it. But it makes me wonder whether I was actually a good wife for him. Even though I am not responsible for his actions. Thanks again for your support y'all. It's a lot, A LOT, to process but it helps me. So much.

The commenters kept it real.

DogOfTheBone wrote:

If you choose to stay, don't be surprised if in a year you find him talking to someone again. Cheaters are sneaky. They'll show remorse and swear they've changed. Meanwhile they're smirking inside because they've started a new affair and think they can get away with it this time.

OP responded:

Thank you. It's obvious and well known. "Once a cheater, always a cheater"… but reading it helps me fight denial. I really need to break up with him. If not for myself, just to show him that actions have consequences.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 wrote:

He fell in love with another woman and wanted you to just accept that and stay with him. He made a series of decisions that put himself in a position to fall in love with someone else. This was deliberate and calculated. It was not a sper of the moment mistake. That's going to take alot to come back from.

You're not too old to start again. You want kids and you have time to find someone you can trust and who considers you enough. I know you are scared to leave, but when you look at this man now, truly look at him is he the father you envisaged for your future children.

This man who was happy to share you with other men, who was happy to leave you at home with the kids and go off and screw another woman?

To leave you at home after you've had a baby and feeling vulnerable and unattractive and tired and go and be free and intimate with another woman? Did he even consider what would happen if he got her pregnant? I hope you make the right choice for you but you deserve better than a man who emotionally cheats on you.

giag27 wrote:

I understand you completely…I think you’re still very young, and starting over at any age is difficult and scary but never stay because of fear of the unknown. Women have left their partners in much much worse situations, ab*se kids etc. Whatever you decide, please refrain from trying to have kids with this man.

No need to bring a kid into this mess right now. I’m not going to tell you what you need to do, a marriage counsellor sounds great, two months though, that’s rough.

Upstairs_Flounder_63 wrote:

He opened his heart to someone and that bell can’t be unrung. Did he flip a switch and stop caring for her? If you can get past that and trust that you’re his only person, not just physically but emotionally, well you’re stronger than I am. 12 years isn’t much in the scheme of things, especially without the complexity of kids involved. Cut your losses and move on.

Three months later, OP shared another update.

Hey. I hope you are doing well.

A huge amount of things happened since then my first posts. I'll quickly summarize, feel free to check my profile if you want to know more. It was a very, very unpleasant ride.

So, soon-to-be-ex husband had an emotional affair online and tried to make me greenlight it by asking for an open marriage (where we'd be allowed to have "side adventures"). I refused and his affair partner dumped him. He begged me to try to reconcile with him, to which I "agreed" while I was actually trying to prepare my exit.

We both went to individual therapy (still am). We separated temporarily three times, but every time I came back, it went terribly. He was desperate. He kept trying to cross my boundaries, love bombing me, playing the victim, asking to touch me even though I established I didn't want to, threatening to off himself if we were to divorce…I could go on and on.

This made me finally realize (along with my therapist's help, lot of self-reflection and my exchanges online) that I was in an ab-sive relationship. Which is an important part (actually THE MOST IMPORTANT part) of this update: please look up definitions and examples of abuse, because I had NO IDEA that what my husband had been doing all these years, even before the affair, counted as such.

In his case it was psychological abuse: manipulation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, emotional blackmail. Nothing aggressive or mean. Which turned me into a very submissive partner over the years, always catering to his needs while erasing mines. I rationalized everything. It happened subtly and gradually and I was too naive to see it for what it was.

His emotional affair and open marriage proposal were the natural continuity of that. Of course, the more I tried to get away from him, the more manipulative he got. Now that I was aware of it, I knew what he was doing - but fighting years of conditioning, even if you recognize it and succeed, is f*cking exhausting and disarming.

So, earlier today, I brought a friend home to assist me. We sat down, the three of us, and I told my husband we were over and I handed him the papers. It might sound dumb but it's genuinely one of the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was terrified. Yet he agreed. He repeatedly asked me if I was sure.

He reminded me of the family we were planning to have and of our best memories together - "Was it all for nothing?". Apparently, yes. He was heartbroken. Clearly mad and frustrated. But still, he agreed. He signed them and went back to his parents for now. We still have to go through the whole procedure, separate our assets, decide what to do with the house and all.

And he still wants us to go to marriage counseling. But right now? I feel free, for the first time in months. The last hours have been a mix of tears, celebration and godly, restful sleep. And I have to thank you guys again, because my first post was the wake up call I needed to eventually, finally(!) get here. Better late than never ig. Thank you so much. Lot of love to you all.

Commenters continued to offer their thoughts and support.

Turbulent_Tortoise wrote:

He's only being agreeable because:

1. You had a witness

and

2) He thinks he can convince you to come back...again...because it's always worked in the past.

DO NOT go back. In fact, change the locks, change all passwords, change utilities into your name, etc and make sure you are as bomb proof as possible because he WILL explode when he realizes you are actually divorcing him. He WILL do everything he can to mess with your head, cause you to doubt, and then he will get really nasty and try to mess with your reputation, home, finances, etc. Be prepared.

OP responded:

Yes I agree, he knows my buttons and will push them all to get me back. I took notes of everything bad he did and comments I got from my friends and the internet to remind me why I got away. I'll read it every time I have doubts. I can't change the locks because it's still his house too, but I'll take care of the rest. Thank you!

FeeHonest7305 wrote:

"He reminded me of the family we were planning to have and of our best memories together - 'Was it all for nothing?' Apparently, yes. He was heartbroken."

That's a special kind of AH. "Was it all for nothing?" after cheating on his partner. He sounds like an insufferable dickhead honestly. Congrats on your freedom.

OP responded:

I know right? The hypocrisy! The nerves of this man. The worst part is that he appears very charming to everyone who knows him (myself included). Hell lot of people from our circle (who are aware of what he did) still think he's a good person who just "lost himself" for a while. I guess it's hard to accept the ones we love can be terrible persons, too.

AnyDecision470 wrote:

You have been through a long, hard journey, and it will take awhile yet, but you are investing in yourself and your health and happiness! Good for you! Continue self-care, and practice safety and security. Slow down and heal so that you will be strong and ready to seek and recognize true love. Wishing you a joyous future! You can do this!

OP responded:

Thank you! I'll do my best. I like to think the hardest part is behind me but this story taught me to expect the worst. Whatever happens tho, from now on, it's me first. I deserve love and happiness and I'll fight for it.

Individual_Craft_808 wrote:

What happened to the friends that talked him into this?

OP responded:

As far as I know he still talks to them. I haven't in months and don't plan to change that. In hindsight I suppose they were also manipulated by him. But I'm still mad as hell at them. Puppets or not they gave him horrible advice that completely disregarded me.

Commercial-Drink804 wrote:

When you were separated the three times, did you have relations with other men?

OP responded:

No, I wouldn't dare. Plus I was mentally and physically exhausted, I tried to focus on myself and heal. And even now I'm not ready at all for anything intimate with anyone (ONS, relationship,… whatever). I'd MAYBE be ready once the divorce is finalized, but even that would be optimist I think.