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'My husband forgot our wedding anniversary. I think my marriage ended today.' UPDATED 3X

'My husband forgot our wedding anniversary. I think my marriage ended today.' UPDATED 3X

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There are times when the writing on the wall is loud.

"I think my husband forgot our wedding anniversary. I think my marriage ended today."

I'm not surprised. I really feel like he's checked out. We've been married 3 years today, together 6. It's halfway through the day and he hasn't acknowledged it at all. I bought us cupcakes and I'm going to stop for flowers and a card on the way home.

I'm sure he's going to come home with nothing, act shocked and apologize, or just brush it off and go to his phone. We've had a dead bedroom since we got married. I can't remember the last time he complimented me unsolicited. Calling me hot, s-xy, or beautiful; but he can like the photos of IG models in bikinis.

Two years ago I got dressed up in lingerie; I felt insecure because I had put on some weight, but I felt s-xy in it. He came upstairs, saw me, and said he was hungry and went downstairs to eat dinner. He left me upstairs for an hour; after he finished eating, he just stayed there. We could go weeks without s-x if I didn't push for us to do it, or fucking ask permission to have s-x that night.

He doesn't initiate meaningful touch and affection with me anymore. He will shower affection on our pets, including in front of me, but can barely stand to touch me it feels like. He works ridiculous hours, and even though I asked him not to pick up a second job when his hours changed because long working hours were impacting our time together and our intimacy, he went out and got another job.

We went out for my birthday this weekend. After encouraging me to have another drink, he asked me if I'd be willing to drive us home (he was tired because he chose to go on a sunrise hike that morning and ended up not sleeping for a full 24 hours). I didn't drive back. I can't remember the last time he bought me flowers for an occasion or "just because."

He used to leave for work in the morning by giving me a kiss, or tucking me back into bed. Now he just leaves without a word. We have been dealing with MFI for two years because he chose to take anabolic steroids for years, which made him nearly sterile. He lied to me about steroid use multiple times. He has now been off them for some time and his counts are improving. (I am pausing IVF right now.)

He didn't tell me about his immigration status and the fact he had been previously married until a year and a half into our relationship. He complains about the same things all the time, and when I offer solutions, he doesn't listen. I'll often also say something, and later he'll parrot it back like he came up with it myself. This is especially true of his medical issues that he refuses to follow up on.

We're doing couples counseling. I gave it as an ultimatum in March, after he threatened to divorce me for a second time since we've been married. I made it his responsibility to follow up on the counselors and identify providers. He did, and then never booked anything. It wasn't until three weeks ago when I asked him about it that he said "honestly, I haven't even thought about that."

I also love the "jokes". IE: he says something that makes me upset or hurts my feelings, and then says "relax babe, I was joking!" He used to be a thoughtful gift giver. He used to be affectionate. He used to look at me like I had stars in his eyes. I've begged for more intimacy, more touch, more affection, more s--.

I feel like I am coercing him into s-x now, and that he doesn't even want to do it with me. He just does it with me to get me off his back. I do 90% of the housework, all of the finances, and all of the vet care for our pets. I recently told him I wanted him to step up more, and he told me that "he'll do stuff, I just need to tell him".

I told him "I do things that I see need to be done. Me having to tell you what to do does not alleviate the stress off of me." He stepped up for one day. My mental health is in shambles. I think I'm a fat, worthless piece of s-t. (I'm not. I'm a little overweight, but I work out regularly and I'm curvy).

My depression and anxiety has amplified to levels where it is impacting my day to day life. I'm sorry for this dump. I'm just tired of all of this. I'm realizing today how little I matter. I think I've finally checked out. I'm done initiating, done babying him, done managing him, done mothering him.

The internet kept it real.

OverratedNew0423 wrote:

Glad you paused IVF...but not sure why you ever thought bringing an innocent child into this chaos was ever a good idea. Remember a baby is about their life, not yours...do not be selfish, which you are not now since you paused. Def rack that thought completely until you get out and get into a more stable and loving place.

nessabobessa82 wrote:

Is it really worse to be alone than to live life like this? You paused IVF, but would you want to bring a child into this loveless and affectionless marriage? This is not about your anniversary. This is about the rest of your life. How many birthdays, anniversaries, and milestones will go ignored? How many times will you sleep alone? Love yourself more than this.

january1977 wrote:

My first reaction to the title was, ‘Meh. My husband and I both forget some years.’ But there’s a lot more going on here. You know you don’t have to put up with any of this, right? You deserve to be loved. Don’t waste your time and affection on someone who doesn’t value you.

Thisisnotalibrary97 wrote:

You mentioned something about his immigration status. Sounds like he married you for his convenience (immigration). Probably fraudulently too. He's likely still married to someone else. You need to do or hire someone to find out exactly what his status is...still married to the other person? If you are in the US, is he waiting for his green card or some other immigration issue?

Is he truly working so much or does he have a side chick stashed somewhere that he's also conning or brought his other family over that you know nothing about?

Don't be surprised when he blindsides you with divorce papers once he has permanent residency status or tells you that his marriage to you was never legal in the first place and walks out. Something tells me that you've been conned and are in denial.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Yesterday was our three year anniversary, which was celebrated with a huge fight. Today, I confronted him about his social media activities. We've had a dead bedroom for three years, and I practically have to claw affection out of him.

He's been liking half-n-ked thirst trap photos of women for the past 2 years of our marriage. These are women that are insanely fit, have huge t*ts, and post pictures with their a- hanging out.

He has also lied to me in the past about things like his previous marriage status, and his anabolic steroid use. I confronted him twice about the steroids, and he denied it up and down. Only later did I find out I was right. I told him today I wanted to see who he is messaging on social media, and he refused. At one point, he called me crazy.

He said if I can't trust him, we're over. I told him I don't trust him. He absolutely, steadfastly refused to let me see his phone. I told him if he does not show me, that tells me he has something to hide. He tried to tell me he liked the girls photos "by accident", and the only one he actually did was liking the photos of an OnlyFans creator.

He also used the excuse that other girls have made him do that before and it made their relationships go to s-t, and that he has never asked me to see my phone before. I said the reason he has never asked to see what's on my phone is because I've never given him a reason to question my loyalty.

He just left with his wallet and an overnight bag. I don't know where he's going, and I don't give a f- where he's going. I felt so guilty confronting him because he came in the door excited to see me, but I'm f-ing tired. Even if he came home and showed me his phone, I know I can't trust what I find on it because he probably deleted it.

Commenters continued to keep it real.

OverratedNew0423 wrote:

Stick to your guns. Three years with no intimacy isn't a marriage. Sounds like he married you for other convenient reasons.

OP responded:

I know he's dealt with low T issues since stopping the steroids, but it doesn't mean we can't be affectionate in other ways. But I have to beg for any kind of meaningful affection. We can go weeks without doing it.

Yep. Low T doesn't prevent you from cuddling, kissing, touching, any non-sexual contact. Yes, it impacts s-x, but I have been begging for other types of intimacy for years and I've been rebuffed. Also he hasn't gone to follow up on his suspected low T issues when his libido didn't come back after stopping steroids. He's lying to me.

[deleted] wrote:

Don’t feel guilty you did nothing wrong!!!! Guilty is only for those who did something wrong. After 3 years of no intimacy he has some explaining to do and the fact he’s hiding his phone and projecting about past relationships is him trying to make you feel bad for his wrong actions.

AC_Lerock wrote:

If my wife demanded to see my phone because she was feeling a little insecure, I'd freely hand it over if it meant it'd give her some reassurance. But I would not be okay with it if it was a pattern.

apersoninthemidwest wrote:

Calling you crazy(basically gaslighting you) and then leaving to stay somewhere means he is definitely hiding something. Probably left so he could go delete everything. Also, no s-x for three years? Divorce him now and go live your best life. It’s on the other side of this.

Nine days later, OP shared an update.

We ended up going on the weekend trip together. We went on a long hike and a good time. We took photos together. We came home. I feel empty and broken. He's now keeping his phone face-down at the house. When I asked him if maybe he could post a photo of us from our trip on his IG, he said he would. Two days later and nothing, even though he's been scrolling away on IG daily.

I asked him last night and he gave me a "I will babe" without looking at me. There's no evidence of me on his IG since 2019, but he does have me all over his FB. One of the girls I called him out on as following and liking her s-xy pictures has suddenly gone private on her social media. She's also following my husband, and has over 20k followers.

She lives several states away according to her posts. I am so f-ing pathetic. I love him and I'm so desperate to rebuild any feeling of trust or love we had at the beginning of our relationship and our marriage. I feel like I am literally going crazy, this is all that I can think about every day. I had nightmares last night that he left me for that girl.

There's times that he shows genuine affection, like he was excited to hold my hand going into the store the other day, and when he took care of me the other day when I was sick, but I still have this pit in the bottom of my stomach that something is wrong. Yet here I am still.

I wish he felt the drive to have his hands all over me. That he couldn't keep his hands off me. That he still got me flowers unsolicited. That he commented on Snapchat photos that I sent him with enthusiasm over how beautiful I was. That he sees s-xy photos of me that I send him and runs to the bedroom. I'm met with lukewarm enthusiasm or completely ignoring me.

I'm also his sponsor for immigration. We had a genuine dating relationship and got married for genuine reasons. I feel guilty if I'm the reason he is deported. I am trying so hard to make this work, and I feel like he just doesn't care. I didn't leave him in March when he threatened to divorce me again, and he didn't give a shit about my ultimatum of couples counseling or I'm leaving.

He didn't care for months. He doesn't care to post me on his social media. All I want to do is starve myself so I can be as thin as those girls he likes on social media. Fix my face so I look as perfect as them. Get my boobs done like theirs. Shut off my emotions and just not feel anything anymore.

Know the f-ing truth so I'm literally not driving myself crazy anymore. I feel like he stopped loving me or caring about my needs a very long time ago, and I don't know why he's still with me if he doesn't want to put any effort in. I know you all are going to be angry at me and think I am pathetic. I feel the same towards myself.

The internet offered up support.

candycoatedcoward wrote:

I don't hate you.

I think you deserve to be happy. You should leave. His immigration situation is a "him" problem.

Cryptic_Passwords wrote:

OP, you buried the lead here…”I thought we married for love…appears we got married for a green card convenience” is what the title should have been. Pick yourself up and know you deserve better!!!

If THIS is the state of your marriage three years in, it will NOT get better! Sending you support, you deserve MORE and NOT to be made to feel less than because your only priorities aren’t on your appearance! Drop the dead weight!!

WiedlerofAphorisms wrote:

Break up. End your sponsorship. Choose yourself. If you don’t choose you who will?

BuffyExperiment wrote:

Yes! This is important for "selfless" people pleasers: if you're not looking out for yourself, who is?? If OP and OPs husband are worried about Husband. Then no one's worried about OP but us.

Fun_Diver_3885 wrote:

OP never give a cheater an ultimatum unless your going to follow through. What you want from a relationship is not wrong or extreme. If you truly feel like he has checked out, then you need to bypass the ultimatum and just tell him it’s clear that he is more invested in women outside your marriage then he is in you and your marriage so you have decided it’s time to split and go be happy with other people.

When he tries to play ignorant, tell him your not going to be happy in any relationship where your partner keeps their phone hidden, has no sign of you on their instagram and shows little interest in you.

Give him the examples you noted. When he promises to do better, tell him on them hand me your phone right now, totally unlocked, and we will see but no promises and remind him progress isn’t one day or a few days, it’s months/years of being engaged with you and not with other women.

Hours later, OP shared another update.

I posted earlier today and got rightfully roasted. I backpedaled on my original post. Went on vacation together this past weekend. Realized nothing changed after. I also shared that I am currently sponsoring him for immigration, and we are at the point of getting his waiver processed.

I had a lot of self pitying BS in that post too. Wishing I was hot enough like those IG models, because maybe he'd want me then. I literally spent most of today on the cusp of a panic attack. I deleted my update from earlier today because I just couldn't handle all the comments that came in; especially how quickly they came in. I was not mentally in a good place.

I really appreciate everyone who was kind and supportive, and also those who told me "girl wtf are you doing?????". I was weak for deleting the post, but I really appreciated the quick outpouring of support and advice.Something in my gut this afternoon told me to google him. I found a lawsuit against him from earlier this year, because a debt went to collections. It was not a small amount.

I confronted him about it, and it turned into a whole BS thing. I signed up for a f-ing legal website account so I could view all the docs and print them. He tried to tell me he didn't want to stress me out which is why he didn't tell me. Y'all, he hired a f-ing attorney behind my back, and admitted he got his second job so he could pay off the debt so I wouldn't know. I almost lost my f-king mind.

I think I grew a little bit of a spine today. When he tried to justify, I shut him down. When I used the words "lied to me", he corrected me and said he technically didn't lie, he just didn't tell me (!!!). When he threw out a suicide threat, I ignored it. When he told me he was done and threatened divorce again, I asked him if I should take him seriously this time and he told me to do what I want.

I confronted him about the IG stuff again, which pissed him off. I pointed out one of the models he is following suddenly turned her account private right after I confronted him last week. Also pointed out again how low T doesn't make someone like only thirst trap photos, yet ignore his wife. Pointed out how he likes their ass photos, but ignored any s-y photos I sent him.

Told him I can count on my hands how many times we've had sex this year, and that I initiated every f-king time. Couldn't handle it, so he left on his bike with an overnight bag. F-k off. He just drove back for whatever reason, I heard his stupid bike revving in the parking lot. Maybe I'll go back out and flip off our Ring camera again because he likes to check it.

He just drove off again. I reached out to a friend to talk to them about this. I need to finally be real with someone about all this and not shoulder it alone. My grandma died in March, while I was holding her hand. I hope a little sliver of her strength is hiding in me somewhere, and that she gave me some of her strength when she left.

She survived an ab-sive marriage, and went on to have a beautiful life. God, please give me the strength to stay resolute. I buckled last time, and I don't want to this time. I deserve so much more than this. Please let me keep this spine I grew today, and let me grow an even bigger one.

The internet was proud of OP.

FartMasterChamp wrote:

I'm proud of you! It took me a long time to leave an ab-sive relationship and I hate the fact that I didn't leave earlier.

I'm so happy you're doing the right thing for your well being.

AnyDecision470 wrote:

You need about 4 days away from his reach…no cell, no calls texts or emails. Stop churning his words over and over in your brain. Decompress. Breathe the air like a free woman. Then, realize that can be your life and go for it. Freedom.

AlternativePrior9559 wrote:

You can’t hear me of course OP, but my cheer is very real! Keep on doing the work on yourself and stay resolute. That spine will grow stronger and stronger. there is not one element of this relationship that is not coated in t*xicity.

Your grandma is in your blood, you have her strength use it and do exactly what she did, God bless her. You can break these chains OP and all rooting for you. Sending you strength encourage ♥️

lifegavemelemons000 wrote:

Advocate for yourself 👏 no one in life can stand up for you better than yourself! 🙂 be your own best friend and own cheerleader and do what is best for you!

Sources: Reddit
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