'My husband hasn’t spoken to me after I got drinks with a friend on a work trip.' UPDATED 3X

"Husband (26m) hasn’t spoken to me (28f) in a day for getting drinks with our mutual friend (31m) while on a work trip. What should I do to resolve things and regain trust?"

Some background: I’m from the US, and he grew up in South America. I know there are cultural differences between our upbringing but, I’m not sure if that’s where our issues are stemming from or if I’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt too much. We’ve been together for about a year and a half and he proposed a little over a month ago.

When we have disagreements he never wants to talk about the issues. When it happens and we aren’t physically together (on the phone or FaceTime) he’ll hang up on me and then put his phone on do not disturb and he will completely ignore me for a while. When he decides he’s ready he will talk to me again, being cold with one word messages and will act like nothing happened.

When things happen in person he usually will say something like calling me “fucking stupid” and when I tell him not to he’ll just mutter other curses under his breath in Spanish and then I’ll cry, and he gets on me for being too emotional. He curses a ton in general, and it usually isn’t directed at me, and I know when I’m PMSing I do get emotional, I cry about happy things and sad things and I overthink a lot.

The reason why I’m writing this post is that things have come to a head recently. I went out of town over the past few days with my parents. He had to work so he didn’t come. We had a miscommunication earlier in the week while I was gone and he hung up on me and put his phone on do not disturb and went to bed.

I sent him a long text about how I don’t want him to hang up on me anymore and how I think therapy may be a good idea so we can work on both of our communication. He never responded to the message. The rest of the time I was gone he didn’t call because he “wanted to give me space to hang out with my parents” and gave one word replies to my messages.

I tried calling him a few times every day (after he was off work) and he wouldn’t answer or he would answer and quickly hang up ending the conversation abruptly. When I got back today he picked me up from the airport, and asked if I wanted ice cream. I wasn’t in the mood really so I said “I don’t know, where from?”

He said “anywhere but you’re paying,” and when I said “no, I’m good” he called me a princess and f#$king stupid for thinking he’s paying for that when I just got back from vacation. I cried and we didn’t talk the rest of the way. When we got home I showered and then asked to talk to him. He denied that he was upset over the week, and said he was just giving me space, and that I didn’t call him either.

But I did call him. And when I brought up hanging up on me and calling me names and asked him about therapy again he said “I’m not fucking going, you can if you want. But I don’t need it” and then when I tried to keep talking to him, he got up and changed and said he was going to the gym, he’s there now.

I love him and how much joy he brings me, and how he pushes me to be my best self, but when things go wrong, I don’t know what to do to solve the problems in a productive way. I’m worried it’s just going to get worse and Im just looking for some guidance. Even if the guidance is just that I should go to therapy on my own, I just don’t know what’s warranted at this point. Thanks in advance.

The internet did not hold back.

catdancer23 wrote:

How does it make you feel when he calls you f#$king stupid? Is that how you want to feel with your life partner? He doesn’t see any reason to change. This is not a cultural or “South American” thing, this is egotistical and selfish behavior where he needs to put others down to feel okay.

Needless to say if you feel pain and cry from the one you love, you are going to do lasting damage to your well-being while he grinds you down into a powerless, passive individual. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I do think individual therapy will help you recover from the emotional ab*se he inflicts on you.

He is not fit to be in a relationship with anyone until he can become accountable for his toxic behavior.

Putrid-Maximum1569 wrote:

This is beyond cultural. I know that in some cultures people can be seen as rude because they are very blunt and don’t share the same social etiquette as North Americans BUT your fiancé is belittling you gaslighting you, by making you think that you’re the problem and they’re flawless Giving you the silent treatment - this is abuse

If you continue your relationship with him as things are and get married, there is no way your marriage will survive - and if it does, it’ll just be because you stay and endure the abusive while he remains the same.

This is not the type of behaviour a solid and happy relationship is built on. Your partner should hear you out when you’re feeling any type of way, want to work through issues together because they want you to be happy. He’s selfish and he doesn’t care about your feelings.

Roughly a year later, OP jumped on with another post about her relationship.

I work a lot. Especially at certain time of the year, and travel a lot for work while in the busy season. Last night I got drinks with my and My husband’s mutual friend because we were in the same town and rarely see each other in person. I texted my husband when our friend texted me asking if I wanted to meet up to let him know I was considering it.

He responded “idc” and “ah ok” when I said I was considering going. Then I told him I was going to tell our friend yes and he said “ah ok” again. I asked “you don’t like this?” He said “you’re good” so I texted him again when the friend was picking me up to let him know. He never responded.

We were out for 3 hours and while we were there we talked about work, and talked about his new fiancée and life changes. He drove me back to my hotel, and we were wrapping up the conversation in the parking lot when my husband called me. I answered it and put him on speaker saying “hey! Friend is here!” And the friend said hi.

My husband asked what we were talking about in a parking lot and I said work? But I’m about to go in now. He started cursing at me in his first language. So I left went to my room and called him. He was screaming at me on the phone about how I “dropped off the face of the earth” and ignored him (he didn’t try to contact me while I was out) and I wasn’t checking in with him.

He said he didn’t trust me and why were we talking in the parking lot. I told him we were just wrapping up our talk and I was leaving. He said he didn’t want to talk to me until I returned on Sunday. That he wasn’t going to sleep in bed with me again.

That he was going out tomorrow (today) with a friend, he was turning off his location and he “wants to f#$k another b#$ch in our bed” that he’s done with me and wants to leave when our lease is up in July. I really don’t understand how I made him so mad. I tried to give as much context as necessary. I’ve tried calling and texting a few times today. All have been ignored. How do I mend this?

One exchange provided a bit of foreshadowing.

theblindkitten wrote:

Have you thought about the possibility that your husband might just be projecting his own actions onto you? Maybe he met a female friend, and had more than just a drink.

OP responded:

I have, unfortunately. He’s had a colorful dating history that has often overlapped. I’ve had some health issues over the last ~6 months that made s*x painful. He’s threatened to find a real woman who can give him what he needs. It’s been in my head a lot, actually.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

Update: I just found out he actually was (is?) cheating on me with a woman I work with. She didn’t know we were together. And when she found out she confronted him. He told her we had an open relationship. We do not. I called a divorce attorney today.

The comments kept rolling in.

KateJ1982 wrote:

This guy is nothing but red flags. The controlling, the silent treatment. The accusation (likely projection), the threatening to cheat because you have a health issue, calling you “not a real woman”, any single one of these is a good reason to leave.

OP responded:

The not a real woman one is so common. I work full time (often around 60+ hours a week in the busy season). He works part-time remote about 20 hours a week. The rest of the time he is at home or working out. He gets so upset that I meal prep on the day of the week where I work a half day and we have to eat “refrigerated meals instead of fresh cooked meals” for the rest of the week.

Or that I’m not taking care of the dishes in the sink (even though I put mine in the dishwasher) Same with the s*x issue and finding a woman who will give him s*x all the time. I’m tired. And typing this out made me realize how crazy this actually is.

ImaHashtagYoComment wrote:

Get out. A "real man" would prepare home cooked meals and clean the kitchen. I say this as a man who has no issue cooking meals for his family and cleaning the kitchen/dishes. This guy you're married to is controlling and expects to be served by you.

Do not have a kid with him. He will not help out whatsoever. Life is short. You deserve better. There is no happily ever after to be had with your husband. He wants a subordinate, not a partner.

Softbombsalad wrote:

Your husband needs to learn to use his words like an adult. And seriously, he sounds like an idiot. My husband is allowed to go out with friends. Yes, they are allowed to eat and have drinks together. Even WOMEN (lol). That's what friends do, and I trust my husband. If I had a problem with it, I would let him know. He would do the same for me.

There are no problems with us, because he knows we both respect our marriage. The issue here, is your husband's crazy reaction. Threatening to cheat on you, the disrespectful way he talks about you and women in general, the childish ignoring, it's all totally immature. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

OP responded:

I’m not sure if I do want to mend it to be honest. I feel like oftentimes the “punishment doesn’t fit the crime” so to speak when I make a mistake or in his eyes, do something disrespectful. I’ve never just ignored him for any period of time and I feel like it’s really hurtful that he does, especially when I’ve talked to him about how badly this hurts me.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

I (28f) just found out my husband (26m) was cheating. We got married last June. And he cheated with a woman I work with. She didn’t know we were together at first. When she found out he told her we had an open relationship. She’s moving on from our company, and I saw her today and wished her luck. We chatted and she asked if she could ask a personal question.

She asked if my husband and I had an open relationship and I said no. She told me the details of their affair. She even spent the night at our place when I was out of town. I called an attorney to get a divorce. Any recommendations for how to pretend that things are fine until I can tell him we’re getting a divorce and he needs to leave?

Edit. I am worried for my safety and I have no family within 2000 miles. I moved here for work in August and don’t have friends yet either. I don’t think he would hurt her but she’s mine and I’m also afraid of him taking her.

Edit again. The plot thickens. Part of why I’m afraid of him harming me is that he’s in the immigration approval process which is contingent on us being married. I’m worried that if he finds out I want a divorce he might harm me because he’s so upset that I would take away his chance at a green card, and the ability to leave the country.

TL;DR husband cheated. I’m getting a divorce. How do I keep him from knowing until I give him the papers.

The internet did not hold back.

D-Inventa wrote:

Is it possible to have a couple family members come stay at your place for a bit under some sort of false pretense of needing to be there? That'd probably make things a lot better

OP responded:

I called my parents today. Didn’t give them any details and said I didn’t want to talk then. I was at work and the woman just told me. I sat in my car for like 15 min. Gave them a heads up that I was leaving him. Then googled divorce attorneys in incognito mode.

Called one. Hopefully they call early Monday. My mom is planning to come early next week. I’m hoping this is a good idea. I don’t think he would escalate things with her here

Sh*t_I_Forgot wrote:

If possible find out if your coworker called and cussed him out about it.

OP responded:

She didn’t. I texted her last night when he left, he snatched my phone out of my hands to see who I was texting and then got suspicious when I got mad about it. More so when he realized I removed his Face ID and changed my password. He tried to accuse me of talking to someone else and I laughed, I just couldn’t hold it in. He wanted me to tell him what was going on. Nothing was going on.

I was just pissed about him snatching my phone and then accusing me. He went for a drive because he needed to cool down and I texted her then. She was scared of him coming to her place (of course he knows where she lives) and didn’t say anything to him. She’s a coward too, but she took screenshots of all of their communication.

kittykowalski wrote:

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Even worse, you feel unsafe.

Can you have a sudden work trip and go to a women's shelter?? Hotel?

arugulafanclub wrote:

Be aware that if you share a credit card he may see what hotel you’re at. If you have a separate bank account, change the password now just for safety.

OP responded:

We have separate accounts thankfully.

Anticrespular_Ray wrote:

Are you worried about your safety? She may tell him you know, so he may even confront you about that. If it will only be a few days til you have the papers then I'd suggest a migraine and spend a lot of time alone and "resting", not talking or doing activities with him since your head hurts. Or say you have a family emergency and leave for a few days.

OP responded:

I hope she doesn’t say anything. She felt bad and told me I can text/call to get details if I need. I told her I wasn’t going to until tonight because I didn’t want him to see our conversation on my iPad that is at home.

_DamntheTrains wrote:

...I wouldn't trust her at all if I were you. The way she framed it, it kind of sounds like she had her suspicions but went along with it until she knew she can get far enough from the situation and got all she wanted out of it. She's a snake and at best a rogue agent at this point when it comes to between you and your husband.

She also could have also just left without saying anything (not saying that would have been good for you) but decided to torch everything instead...now...when she's moving away...for whatever reason. She's a garbage human being as much as your husband.

OP responded:

Yeah I’m f#$king pissed. I was so nice to her too. The whole time she could have asked but instead I got “I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while…” f#$king today. When the announcement came out TODAY that she’s leaving. F#$k her too.

She said when she found out, she confronted him. But he told her we were in an open relationship. And if she would ask me I would say the same thing, so there was no reason to ask me. WTF.

Hopefully, OP is able to move on safely and never deal with that AH again.