'My husband said he hates our baby and wishes it was never here.' UPDATED 2X
"My husband said he hates our baby and wishes it was never here."
My husband has no patience with our 4month old. We’re older parents; I'm 43, and my husband is 55. We’ve been married for 2 years, and our son wasn’t planned—it just happened. At first, he was happy, but once the baby arrived, I realized he was no longer happy
He rarely helps with the baby, claiming he doesn’t know how to do anything, despite me showing him simple tasks like changing diapers and putting on clothes. He says it's too hard and never truly tries, so I’ve been doing it all myself. Our baby had colic and would cry more than usual. My husband hated that and would get very annoyed if our son cried for more than 5 minutes.
He would yell at me, “Do something! Get him to shut up,” and never once tried to help. I felt so alone during the first few weeks after our son was born. Then my husband began complaining that the baby was taking up all my time and I had no time for him. Now, our son is 4 months old and has started being very clingy, crying every time I put him down.
It's been really frustrating because there are times I have to set him down, but I never let him cry for more than 10 minutes Yesterday, I had to run an errand and left my husband to look after our son. I wasn’t gone for long it was probably 15 minutes after I left, when he called me, saying I needed to come back because he couldn't get the baby to stop crying. I told him to try taking the baby outside.
Shortly after, I got a notification from the baby monitor and saw our son in his crib crying. I was so frustrated that I turned around and came back home. When I got back, our son was still in his crib crying, and my husband was just sitting on the couch. I was furious and asked him why he left the baby crying for so long.
He said, "I couldn't get him to stop. I f-ing hate that thing and wish it was never here." His comment surprised and saddened me. I know everyone gets frustrated at times, but I feel like his comment was over the top and I don’t know what to do anymore.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
tarquomary wrote:
You know. I understand that you are frustrated and things are hard for you. But based on everything you've said about this man, you would be crazy to leave your baby alone with him.
OP responded:
This was my first time leaving him alone with our baby, but after what he said, I will never do that again.
gorkt wrote:
I can understand that a 55 year old that has no experience with children might have a harder adjustment than most to parenting, but the facts are as follows:
1. Your son is in danger from neglect.
2. Your priority has to be your child's safety since he can't fight for himself.
3. You need to protect your son now which means separating him from your husband who is a clear danger.
jbug671 wrote:
How can anyone be in their 50’s in this day and age and claim they know nothing about babies. There has been a lifetime where a baby must have crossed this guys path. Other family members? Television? The public? F this guy. Pack your things and get the f out before something terrible happens. You think this kid is any better off in a household where 1/2 of the adults actively hate them? No.
OP responded:
We both have adult children from previous marriages. My husband claims he never did anything when their kids were babies and that his ex-wife did it all.
umilikeanonymity wrote:
‘I hate THAT THING and wish IT was never here’.
Your husband doesn't think your child is a human. For him, the baby is a ‘thing’, and ‘it’.
It’s gonna be hard but you absolutely cannot trust your husband with your kid and I see a separation coming soon from either your end for the lack of support and clear dangerous behavior around your kid, or his end for the sheer lack of wanting this kid. I just had a baby too and my husband has taken more care of him than I have especially when he’s crying, and my husband wasn’t keen on having a kid either.
lovelycosmos wrote:
An unexpected baby at 55 would certainly be stressful for anyone but surely at some point you and he made the conscious decision to continue with the pregnancy. Do what's right for your child.
Four days later, OP shared an update.
I’m planning an exit strategy that my husband doesn’t know about. Even though he apologized for saying he hated our baby and wished it wasn’t here, I no longer trust him. Recently, he has been trying to make amends, but I’m still uncertain about my feelings towards him. This morning, I woke up later than usual and found that both he and my son were gone.
He had taken our son for a walk without informing me, which made me panic and almost call the authorities. They returned just before I did I told him not to go anywhere with our son because I no longer trust him. He insisted he would never harm his son and that his comment was made out of frustration.
He felt I was overreacting and was hurt that I viewed him as a terrible person I told him only a terrible person would say they hated their helpless baby and wished they weren’t here. Despite his efforts to help more by changing diapers and feeding our son, I’m struggling to move past his hurtful comments
He has four adult children from a previous marriage and he has a close relationship with them. From what I’ve seen, he seems to be a good father. Some people have suggested he might have postpartum depression, but when I brought it up, he dismissed it, saying he just gets irritated when our son cries for too long.
He claims he’s working on his patience, but I wonder if his age (55) contributes to his lack of patience with our four month old? I’m in my head a lot —deep down, I think I know what I need to do to keep my child safe, but another part of me wants to give him another chance.
The comments kept coming in.
OriginalMcsmashie wrote:
As a dad, there were times I felt really angry and regretful over a baby that just wouldn’t stop screaming. And probably said some dumb stuff as well in my sleep deprived state. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid and can get past that shredded nerves with no sleep stage. You said he has 4 grown kids and they seem to have a good relationship.
It might be worth taking a breath and realizing that newborns are living hell for everyone, even worse when you are older. Yes, he should have left a note before the walk. Yes, he should watch his words better. But if he has not done anything potentially harmful, it might be you that is overreacting.
You aren’t making the situation better by not talking through and not accepting his attempts to make amends. He said something millions of parents have likely said today so far. Do you want to put a child in a broken home over it? Out of curiosity, is this your first kid? It’s natural to be hyper-protective the first time around so I’m wondering if you haven’t gone through the newborn stage before.
OP responded:
I’m the only one who’s sleep deprived; my husband has never woken up to tend to our baby—it’s always been me since he was born. I don’t think his comments were due to sleep deprivation.
He hasn’t really helped until now because he’s trying to make amends. I want to work things out because I don’t want our child to grow up in a broken home. This isn’t my first child; I’m 43 and have two adult children from a previous marriage.
Alternative-Rub-7445 wrote:
I think it’s totally reasonable to not trust him, but barring a court order you cannot prevent him from taking the baby for a walk, this is something you will need to get used to as you’re leaving toward an eventual split custody arrangement post divorce. Just saying so you can manage your expectations here. Get counseling whether you’ll be married or just coparent—y’all need it. Good luck.
twatwater wrote:
Lots of people here need to read the original post and comments. I am glad you’re leaving him OP, I was scared for your baby.
Silent_Syd241 wrote:
He has 4 other kids and can’t handle a crying baby?? He must have checked out during their infant stage and left that to their mother to deal with. Its ultimately up to you how you proceed so I see how he changes going forward and make a decision on whether you want to stay or recommend counseling for the both of you to work past.
Ten days later, OP shared another update.
I know most people might think I’m crazy for leaving him alone with our son again after he said he f^&%$g hated him and wished he wasn’t here, but I thought things had gotten better. He told me to take some time for myself today, but then he texted me while I was out, saying he needed a break.
It completely ruined my me time and gave me so much anxiety. I was already uncomfortable leaving them, but he kept reassuring me that everything would be fine
Our baby is going through the clingy phase right now, and I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s normal, but he thinks I’m enabling it by holding him too much. It just feels like things aren’t getting better. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if he’s right that I’m holding our son too much. I’m just so frustrated right now
TRANSCRIPT OF TEXT MESSAGES
H for Hubby
H: He cries every time I put him down it is all your fault because you hold him all day
H: When are you coming back home? I need a break
H: I can't get him to stop crying you need to come home now
OP: It's almost time for a nap I think he's just tired can you put him in the crib now?
OP: I'll be home in an hour
OP: I haven't been gone that long and you're asking for a break. You literally told me I could go I asked you more than once if you were ok taking care of him and you said it was ok
H: Not if he's crying the entire time I am not okay with that
OP: You're always complaining it's so exhausting at the point
H: Because you're not getting the point your making it hard for me
H: He's crying every time I put him down and you get mad at me for letting him cry.
OP: If you need to get stuff done then it's okay to put him down and let him cry for a bit I have no issue with that
OP: You're trying to ruin the little time I have to myself that's exactly what you're doing
H: Every time I try to talk to you you get defensive it's like you don't want me to say anything
OP: Because you're not making any sense and you're trying to pick a fight with me because you have to look after YOUR child!
The comments kept coming.
Shnazzberry wrote:
Adolescent girls have been figuring out how to babysit for decades now. This grown man can’t use his big brain?
periodicsheep wrote:
Why are you still with this guy? Is it lack of funds or a place to go? Your baby isn’t safe. you aren’t safe. please, do anything you can to get away from this man.
Suspicious-Buddy-4513 wrote:
Can he go to a daddy baby class so he can learn how to take of the baby?
True_Cookies5171 wrote:
Never leave him alone again, and leave when he’s at work. There are lots of cases you can find on YouTube of dads who offed their child because they couldn’t handle the crying. THIS GUY is not normal. I would have never said those things and my husband wouldn’t either. He’s a ticking clock. ALSO keep all of this as evidence since you’ll need to fight for full custody.