'AITA for telling my useless husband he's more of a liability than an actual partner?'

"AITA fote telling my husband he's a liability and not a partner?"

Intrepid_Buy_3152 writes:

Sorry for the long post, it's 2 am, and I'm crying and tired and worn out. If I'm rambling, it's because I've held this in for so long, not wanting to burden friends or family with my marital troubles.

I, 34F, have been with my husband (37M, we'll call him Nathan) for 8 years. Ever since our daughter (3F) was born, I have been unable to trust Nathan with anything, no matter how small.

Background context: When I was 19, after a semi-truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and turned my car into scrap metal with me inside it, I have enough metal holding me together that I light up like a Christmas tree for TSA and am physically impaired with good days and bad days.

I used a portion of my settlement check to buy a house outright and have it retrofitted to accommodate my needs, as I'll eventually require a wheelchair. I work in software development as it's fun and nobody cares if I work from bed on bad days.

My husband has not worked in 5 years, which has been fine until our daughter was born. Between the settlement money, a paid-off house, and my salary, I enjoyed having him here with me. He contributed by handling most of the domestic tasks. We pay for a weekly cleaner with monthly deep cleaning because it gave us more time together.

Ever since our daughter was born, it was like a light switch turned off in his head. For our daughter, he would buy the wrong size diapers, not fully mix bottles, put diapers on backward, leave out poop-covered wipes, and forget to latch cabinets. This past week, he has gone to the store 3 times because he keeps coming home with the wrong size socks and shoes for her. I eventually just ordered the right ones online.

For me, he has tried to help me with my weekly pill organizer fill-up and has several times spilled the contents of new medications all over the floor. Then "not seeing" that he didn't get all of them off the floor.

He has repeatedly brought me grapefruit juice to take my medications with—a huge no! He has repeatedly forgotten that I can't have dairy and puts milk in my coffee or cheese on a burger. He has broken SO many things of mine from being careless. He shattered my laptop because it slipped out of his hand when he tried to pack it for a trip, even after I said I would pack my own electronics.

We've lost so many spoons and forks to the disposal. He tried to replace the head gasket in my car and over-torqued the engine bolt, which shattered inside the block, and two different shops said they couldn't repair it.

We ended up getting a new vehicle because a replacement engine would have cost $11,000. A week later, he crashed the new car into the garage door because he thought he'd pressed the brakes, not the accelerator.

He wanted to do TikToks and streaming as a hobby. I supported him initially. But I quickly noticed a pattern. Anything regarding our daughter or me, he was sloppy and careless. He never whoops'd his own stuff. He would build entire sets to stream or make videos with, leave the garage, and leave his brain in the garage.

It came to a head four nights ago. He streamed himself building a new set piece. Nine hours straight. Meanwhile, I worked, "clocked out early" to pick up our daughter from summer camp, cooked and fed both of us, got her ready for bed. He came out to help put her to bed. I let him know that I needed to get some work done and would be in my office. And I asked him to take the trash out. He said he would.

2 hours later, I left my office, and the house felt really warm. He'd taken the trash out but left our front door partially open. And was back in the garage with his game volume really loud. I panicked since our daughter is able to get out of bed, and thankfully she was sound asleep. But she could have easily toddled right out of the house, and he wouldn't have noticed.

Then I noticed a stovetop burner was on with a small pot on it with nothing inside. I didn't use the stove for cooking that night. I popped my head into the garage and said, "Hey, I need you for a minute." I informed him of the door situation, and he responded, "I thought I locked it." We checked the camera and no, he did not.

I asked about the burner being on, and he said he was planning to make ramen and forgot. He pulled the still hot pot off the burner and put it straight into the sink on top of our daughter's favorite plastic plate, which is now ruined.

I'll admit I overreacted and screamed, "What are YOU DOING?" He realized what he'd done and pulled the pot off our daughter's plate... and straight onto the countertop. I grabbed it quickly and ran it under water to cool it down.

I told him I can't tonight. I can't deal with him. I'm taking my meds and going to sleep. He got a cup from the cupboard and set it straight onto the burner that'd been on.

I hit my limit. I started crying. He kept saying that it was fine, things happen, it's just an accident, he's had a rough day from streaming, he's just tired. Why am I crying, it's just a cup. We can replace it.

The anger hit, and I said, "It's because I have a liability and not a partner." He said, "What the f%@k does that mean?" I screamed that it's because I can't trust him to do anything. That I'm always having to watch him like a child.

Always having to bear the costs of his mistakes. That every time I get careless and think I can trust him to be an adult, I'm always the one getting f^#$ed over. I then said, "I can't see you as a partner anymore. You're just another liability in my checkbook."

He immediately stormed out of the kitchen and went to bed. I called my mom and told her what happened. She thinks it's just stress and offered to take our daughter for a week so we could figure this out without our daughter seeing it. She says it was an a&^%ole thing to call my husband a liability.

In the morning, I told my husband that my mom would pick up our daughter from summer camp and offered to watch her for a week. He said "ok" and that's the only interaction we've had since. He spends all day in the garage playing games with his friends, making TikToks, and streaming. For food, he's been ordering DoorDash and having the person deliver it in the garage.

It's been days, and he refuses to be in the same room as me. I've tried messaging him to ask if we can talk or figure out a solution, but he's just left me on read. If I pop into the garage, he ignores me but apologizes to his friends or viewers for the interruption and unmutes his mic when the noise stops.

Before the blow-up, I've asked if there was something going on. I tried to gently respond every time he screwed up so our daughter didn't associate "mistake" with "anger." I asked him to schedule with a doctor to see if something was going wrong medically.

He always said I was overreacting, people make mistakes. And didn't see an issue, even when the same mistakes kept happening. When I tried to get him to understand that it was concerning just how expensive his mistakes were getting, he'd wave it off as a "It's not like we can't afford it."

I love him dearly, I just miss the person he was before we had a child. The one I could trust and rely on. Did I screw this up forever? Was I being too harsh on his mistakes? Am I missing something? Am I the a%@&ole?

Here are the top comments:

Listen_2learn says:

I’m sorry this is happening and I honestly think something is very very wrong with your husband. There’s several occurrences that can’t be seen as mistakes and you are not overreacting. Forgetting a pot on the stove is obviously dangerous - but leaving the door open with a toddler means he doesn’t seem to be situationally aware enough to keep his child safe.

It’s not just the same mistakes over and over again - it’s the fact that the consequences are getting worse and worse that can’t be minimized and ignored?!He really shouldn’t be driving…anything. Nor should your toddler be left alone with him. If he’s unwilling to seek medical advice and deflecting- you may need to consider having him leave your home- he’s a walking disaster- literally. NTA.

AlwaysHelpful22 says:

He IS a walking liability. Deep inside you know you’re carrying him and that he doesn’t contribute. As your condition deteriorates, this isn’t sustainable. You need to find the courage to take action before it’s too late.

Cookie_Monsta4 says:

NTA. Let me get this straight , he doesn’t work, breaks all your stuff and behaves like a child? Congrats OP you actually have two children. One lovely toddler and one huge man baby. Man babies are notorious for being unreliable partners and fathers because they also need a lot of parenting. Seriously, your husband is an AH and I can’t help but feel like he’s taking advantage of you.

phyrsis says:

NTA. Sounds to me like he should be worried that his meal ticket is going to boot him out the door.

What do you think?