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'My husband is having an affair and I'm OK with it. Things feel fine for now.' UPDATED

'My husband is having an affair and I'm OK with it. Things feel fine for now.' UPDATED


Every relationship requires different ingredients to thrive.

"My husband is having an affair and I'm OK with it."

My husband Frank is the most caring, loving and attentive man I've ever knew. Problem is, I love him like a friend or a brother. I care for him, I want him to be happy, but I don't love him romantically. He knew this and he still married me to save me from my ab#sive family. He did hope I'd get feelings for him, but I never did - at least in the romantic sense.

We are great partners otherwise, in life and business (we set up our own business), and I enjoy having s#x with him. We talked about the possibility of a divorce, but I never wanted one - I'm perfectly fine the way things are and a divorce, even the most amicable, would bring problems to our business and life I really don't need at the moment.

But that said I didn't want to make the man who literally saved my life feel in a cage, and so I gave him the freedom to be in a relationship with other women. For two years he didn't do anything, but three months ago he came to me and confessed there's a woman he's developing feelings for and whom reciprocated him.

He was feeling ashamed about this, I hugged him tight and reminded him that I want this for him and I want him to have a partner who loves him the way he loves them. It feels so fine. I was afraid he'd neglect me from then on, but he's as attentive, affectionate and caring as ever, and I can see this relationship is really doing him good.

She knows he's married and she's fine with it, and although I never wanted to meet her I had some little detective work done on her and by all accounts she is a good, well-adjusted woman. So I'm not worried about her hurting Frank or turning him against me. She's not interested in marriage which is exactly what I needed.

Frank is happy, and this makes me happy in turn. I told him I would be open to discuss separation (not divorce) if his relationship with this woman gets more serious. But things are fine now.

TL;DR My husband has another woman and I approve.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

fordexy wrote:

You may have shot yourself in the foot. He may rather divorce you at some point and be married to a woman who loves him romantically.

OP responded:

If it comes to that point I'll let him go. But I hope we can talk about it first, like we did when he first breached the topic of divorce.

aamfbta wrote:

Caring about him as a best friend and f#$king him isn't a substitute for romantic love. As smooth as the partnership is, it doesn't mean it's fulfilling for Frank.

I hear a lot about what you want but not a lot about what Frank needs.

OP responded:

This is why I gave my blessing to him finding another woman. She can fulfill him like I cannot.

StnMtn wrote:

Since everyone is away, it is not an affair. I thinks it is ENM. Have you ever felt romantic attraction? Maybe you are aromantic.

OP responded:

What's ENM? Anyway, I've never felt anything romantic towards Frank. I am physically attracted to him though, very much so.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hello guys.

My husband and I have an open marriage. I opened it because I realized that while I love and care for him as family, I never actually loved him. He married me to get me away from my abusive family, in doing so he literally saved my life.

Now we have a life and flourishing business together. He broached the idea of a very amicable divorce, mostly so we could both find romantic partners, but I have no such need at the moment and I don't wish to have a divorce: too costly, will impact our business and taxes. And I don't want to really lose him. So I opened the marriage and allowed him to find himself a girlfriend.

He found someone after a couple of years, and when he told him I was happy for him. The girl is fine with our arrangement and doesn't desire marriage, so I am comfortable. But I have been thinking recently. I am not jealous and I don't mind at all when he spends the night at her place. But why I don't really want to let him go? Why I still want to and have s#x with him?

Why I am happy he is happy, I am okay with another woman "having" him, but I still keep him bound to myself? Don't get me wrong, we are all happy and satisfied with our arrangment. But I am starting to wonder if I might be aromantic or this is really my way of loving him. Thank you all for your opinions!

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Justadudefromnz wrote:

I’m confused. You said that it was a marriage of convenience as such. So do actually love him and does that really matter. Given you have both agreed to stay together but date others as you wish? Do you also date others yourself. Do you have your own fwbs?

OP respondeD:

At first yes, but I guess I grew fond of him over time? I feel that I don't love him romantically, but I care for him a lot. And I don't want to lose him. Yes, I can date other people too (and I might have had a short fling of my own) but I'm not too interested at the moment.

Justadudefromnz responded:

Ok so you’re happy just being a it’s your husband. You don’t really need one to date anyone else. You’re happy that he has found another woman that he has a strong connection with. You still enjoy having s#x with him as well. He still is caring and attentive toward you. To me things seem all good in your life. What exactly are you asking or wanting from your post?

OP responded:

Honestly I don't know. I guess I just need to put some order in my head. I feel like I am being paradoxical, I know I don't love him romantically, but sometimes I feel like I do? I know it makes no sense...

mrjim2022 wrote:

OP - do you have any outside partners or are you trying to date? If not, why not?

OP responded:

At the moment I'm simply not interested in dating. I had a short fling, but that's about it.

LeoTheLiberator wrote:

"But why I don't really want to let him go? Why I still want to and have sex with him? Why I am happy he is happy, I am okay with another woman "having" him, but I still keep him bound to myself?"


Love is not one specific feeling. It's a lot of different kinds of Love, intimacy, appreciation, attachment, and more. Love can look completely different from person to person, relationship to relationship, and so on.

You can love someone without demanding exclusivity. You can love someone while wanting to maintain a relationship that's not monogamous without divorcing. If you're comfortable, functioning, and happy, then that's ok.

Hopefully, OP and her husband are able to stay happy in this arrangement. That's all that matters.

Sources: Reddit
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