"AITA for wanting to leave my husband after discovering his affair with my sister?" UPDATED
"AITA for wanting to leave my husband after discovering he had an affair with my sister?"
Alternative_Fly_312 writes:
I (30F) recently discovered that my husband (32M) and my sister (28F) had been having an affair. I found explicit messages and photos on my husband’s phone, and I was devastated to learn that their affair had been going on for over a year.
The betrayal is even more painful because my sister and I were incredibly close. We shared everything, from personal secrets to major life decisions. My husband had been expressing dissatisfaction and feeling distant, but I never imagined it would lead to this.
When I confronted my husband, he admitted to the affair. He claimed he felt neglected and thought the affair was an escape from his dissatisfaction. He’s been trying to explain it away by saying he didn’t know how to communicate his needs and that it was a “momentary lapse in judgment.”
His excuses sound hollow and insincere. How can I believe that this was just a lapse in judgment when he actively chose to betray me over such a long period? My sister has also apologized, claiming that the affair was never serious and happened only 2 or 3 times, describing it as just "for fun." Honestly, this makes me even angrier. Three times only? Come on, who believes that?
If it had been just once, I still couldn’t have forgiven them. The fact that she’s trying to downplay it as a “fun” fling only adds insult to injury. How could she think it was acceptable to get involved with my husband? And how could they both trivialize such a serious betrayal?
She’s moved out of town to give me space, but I’m struggling to even imagine having a relationship with her again. Right now, I really want nothing to do with either of them. I will definitely be leaving my husband because he doesn’t deserve my trust or commitment anymore. I also won’t be seeing my sister for a long time, if ever.
Several red flags were apparent before I discovered the affair: my husband was unusually secretive with his phone, had a drastic change in work hours, and seemed increasingly distant and emotionally unavailable. I should have noticed these signs earlier, but I was blindsided by how quickly things escalated.
So, AITA for wanting to leave my husband? I will definitely be leaving him, and I’m also considering cutting off my sister for the foreseeable future. Should I even consider forgiving her, or is there no coming back from this betrayal?
Here are the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Aggravating-Owl-8974 says:
NTA. Why even consider forgiving your sister? She betrayed you in the worst way possible. Her excuses are crap.
Unsteadypendulum says:
You’re definitely not in the wrong for wanting to leave him. Betrayal like this is massive, and your feelings are completely valid. Taking time for yourself and reevaluating your relationship with your sister is smart.
breeze_queen says:
NTA for wanting to leave your husband and distance yourself from your sister. They both betrayed your trust in a massive way. If anything, you're the sane one here, not putting up with their pathetic excuses and minimizing of their actions. Prioritize your own healing—you owe them nothing.
One week later OP posted an update:
After a lot of soul-searching and discussions with trusted friends, I’ve made some decisions about how to move forward. I’ve officially left my husband. The pain of his betrayal is still fresh, but I know that staying with someone who could do this to me isn’t an option. I deserve better, and I’m determined to find a healthier and happier path for myself.
As for my sister, she reached out to me after moving out of town. She expressed regret and claimed that she never meant to hurt me. I’m still processing my feelings, and while I appreciate her reaching out, I told her I need time and space to heal.
I’ve decided to take a break from our relationship for the foreseeable future. I just can’t wrap my head around how she could betray me in such a profound way, and I’m not ready to forgive or engage in any kind of conversation just yet.
In the aftermath of this situation, I’ve also been focusing on my mental health. I’ve started therapy to help work through my feelings of betrayal, anger, and loss. I realize that I need to take care of myself and rebuild my life, even if it feels daunting right now.
I’ve learned to trust my instincts more and recognize red flags. I won’t ignore my gut feelings in future relationships, whether they’re romantic or familial. I know I have a long road ahead, but I’m determined to come out stronger.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
That_Birdie_ says:
Never ever trust your sister around any other man you meet! Nope. I'm going no contact if that were my sister. Screw them both. She didn't mean to 'hurt you' she did. Blatantly she did. Shes lying to save her own skin. She moved so the drama wouldn't follow her. I'd out her and your ex.
DevotedRed says:
She never meant to hurt you? What exactly did she think you’d feel like after she slept with your husband multiple times? I’m glad you’re moving on and prioritizing yourself. You’re right - you deserve better.
BabydollKitty_ says:
Leaving your husband was the right decision, and you should be proud of yourself for recognizing that you deserve better.
BlowtorchBettie says:
I see two options here, you can go NC with your sister as she's never to be trusted again. Or you can play the long con, let her think she's forgiven, wait for her to fall in love and then do to her what she did to you. Personally I'd go with option 1 and let Karma handle it, but sometimes an offense is too hurtful to leave up to fate.
What do you think?