'My husband is in love with his student. I have no idea what to do.' MAJOR UPDATE
The truth can set you free, but it can also set your entire life on fire.
"My husband is in love with his student. I have no f#$king idea what to do."
My husband and I (both 35 rn) met in college. We fell in love and got married 8 years back. I gave birth to our daughter in 2020. My husband is a professor at this med school (he’s a doctor himself).
My friend, Sarah, also works in the same college and she’s in the same department as my husband. Few months back (in December), Sarah took me out for lunch and told me that she suspected something’s going on between my husband and this med student (25f). She claimed she’d seen both of them give ‘yearning looks’ to each other.
She said that she’s known my husband for so long, and she’d never seen him talk to any other woman like this, that he’d been so aloof around women all these years, but it’s just different with this one girl. In that moment, I had laughed at her face. I remember telling her that she’s jumping to conclusions based on these supposed ‘yearning looks’.
“That’s why I didn't tell you before," she had said," I was confused too. It's not like he goes out of his way to talk to her but whenever they do talk, it’s like watching a slow burn romance movie. She looks at him like he’s Brad Pitt and he looks at her the way he used to look at you.” I remember the exact words because they stung.
Internally I was breaking down, externally I just smiled and told her that she’s probably overthinking. That night, I casually mentioned this my husband. I was laughing at the absurdity, and I expected him to join in. And deny the wild possibility that he’s in love with a student. But he didn’t. Instead he looked at me, all teary eyed, and said ‘I’m sorry’.
“I can’t get her out of my mind. I’ve tried, trust me. I should’ve told you sooner. But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.”
I asked him if he’d cheated on me. He said no.
He said he didn’t even talk to her, nor did they have any contact outside of college and that he completely understood how morally depraved it is to try and pursue a relationship with a student. She wrote him a letter about an year back, confessing her love for him and he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. Aparently that was when the ‘yearning looks’ had started.
I honestly don’t remember how I reacted then. I think I just started packing and came to live with my parents along with my daughter. I’ve been living with my parents since then. Half of me wanted him to come and beg for forgiveness. But he never did. He comes by sometimes to spend time with our daughter but that’s it.
He never talks about the elephant in the room nor do I bring it up. I keep checking that girl’s social media. She’s insanely beautiful, almost doll like, and intelligent. I can’t help but think that someone like him should be with someone like her. He’s always been very good looking and I’m more of a plain Jane. She’s the Meredith to his Derek.
I don’t know what to do. What do I even tell people? I don’t even know who I am without him. Some part of me still wants him to come back. I’ve decided to talk to him. I know I’ve been avoiding this since months but after reading all the responses, I feel it’s time I rip that bandaid out. I’m going over to our house. I’ll update on what happens.
TL;DR: husband just admitted that he’s in love with this young woman who also his student. She loves him too.
The internet was quick to respond.
MossValley wrote:
So he didn't actually cheat? He has a crush,? If I'm understanding that right he hasn't betrayed you yet. Crushes sometimes happen that doesn't mean the relationship is over. Get therapy with him.
OP responded:
I mean, cheating for me isn’t just physical. He’s had crushes in the past and I’ve had crushes in the past but we’d always been upfront and then laughed about it.
This one feels like a betrayal because he was attracted to someone for more than an year, this someone gave him a freaking love letter, he told her that he’s attracted to her, and not once did he mention it to me. That’s a huge breach of trust for me and I don’t think I can look past it.
Philomenatheprincess wrote:
I hope you thanked Sarah, good friends like that are rare!!!
solidgun1 wrote:
Let's say he comes back and asks for forgiveness and do all that you want. Then what? Will you accept him and start something new with him knowing that he did this? Think about your time and you happiness. What prevents you from finding the right person? Don't let the fear of the unknown ruin your future of being with someone perfect for you.
And try to maintain a respectful relationship for the sake of your daughter. You deserve better than this. Let the past go and move on to see where it takes you. Holding on to this feeling will only make you bitter and close many doors.
OP responded:
No, I don’t think I’ll accept him. I don’t think even he wants to come back. The rational part of me knows that this relationship is over for good but I have my moments of weakness when I wish all this is a fever dream lol.
TinyLittlePanda wrote:
Assuming he told you the truth and nothing happened besides that letter and these "looks". It is not love. On either side. It is infatuation. Imo you cannot truly love anyone until you have actually been with them, and even lived with them. It is very normal that a 25-y-o girl would believe infatuation is love, but at 35, your hubby supposedly knows better. He does not love her.
However, and that is going to hurt, that does not mean he still loves you. He told you "I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to" PAST TENSE. He did not beg for forgiveness, as you said. It honestly sounds like he does not love you anymore and will not make the effort for you.
Your problem is not that he fell in love with anyone else, it is that he does not love you anymore. Your husband, like many men, did not have the courage to tell you just that and instead waited for you to find a reason to leave him, this way he will be the wronged party, because after all he "did not do anything."
You need to have a talk with him, and try to be as civil and respectful as possible. Tell him that even though nothing happened with the girl, you feel like he wants out of this relationship. Tell him that you deserve to be loved, truly, 100% loved, and he is not giving you that. I would also tell him that if he wanted to leave you he should have done just that instead of exchanging looks with a 25 y-o.
Two days later, OP shared an update.
For those who don’t wanna read the boring details : In short, I have decided to go ahead with the divorce. Long story: The day I made the post, I met up with Sarah for dinner. I thanked her for telling me about my husband and the student, and also for being such a good friend. I asked her about my husband. She said there’s nothing unusual. He’s been a bit withdrawn and aloof with everyone lately but that’s about it.
Yesterday I went over to my house unannounced. He was there alone in his office. I told him I wanted to talk. He said he’ll explain everything. So apparently this woman has had a crush on him since two years; her friends ‘ship’ her with him. She would stare at him during her rotations and would blush whenever he looked or talked to her. Back then, he didn’t think much of it.
Many girls have had crushes on him and he always ignored it. About 1.5 years back, they were in the same research group thing (I don’t know how this works but there were 5-6 people along with these two). Because of this, they had to spend some time together working, and it was then that he started noticing her.
He went into detail about how he was impressed with her intelligence blah blah blah and her beauty blah blah blah. The moment he realised that he had a crush on her, he dropped out of the research thing. This was a year ago. Few weeks later, she gave him the letter confessing that she has feelings for him. The first thing he told her after reading it was ‘you can get into trouble because of this’.
She didn’t care. She wanted an answer. ‘Is it all in my head’ she had asked, to which he replied with ‘it’s not just in your head, but nothing can come out of it. I hope you understand.’
That was the last time they interacted. According to him, the ‘yearning looks’ Sarah described were more of ‘awkward eye contacts’ than anything else. He told me that even though he is still attracted to her, he has no intention of pursuing any sort of relationship with her regardless whether we stay together or not.
He said he’s willing to change his job and go to therapy. I told him to give me sometime to think about it.
To sum up:
This has been going on since three years. Not once did he mention anything to me.
2. The student and him spent a considerable amount of time last year working on the research.
3. He told her he liked her back lol.
4. He’s still very much attracted to her
And that’s why I’ve decided to go ahead with a divorce. I don’t think I can trust this man again. And a relationship without trust isn’t something I am interested in. I’ve told my parents about it. They’re not exactly on board but they’re still supportive. I’ve also contacted my lawyer about the same. It’s gonna be a long process, I believe.
That’s it. I believe this is my last update.
TL;DR: he’s still attracted to her; I won’t ever trust him again. We’re getting a divorce.
The comments kept coming.
ChanceReason6617 wrote:
It's a crush! He is not in love.
OP responded:
That doesn’t matter. He crossed a line he shouldn’t have by telling her he likes her.
_thisisnotanexit wrote:
Literally I can’t believe these comments. He’s gushing about her beauty and intelligence, he told her the feeling was mutual?! He could have easily denied it to her and then kept his distance but he liked the attention.
OP responded:
I mean, to be fair to him, he wasn’t exactly ‘gushing’ about her. I kept asking and he kept answering. Deal breaker for me was him telling her the feeling is mutual.
allbutluk wrote:
Lmao these dumba*s comments “you too hasty its a cruuuuush chill”
Like stfu the man literally said “I CANT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD”
If he was commited to his wife he would have changed job PROACTIVELY not wait until now. He let it develop to a point he cant take his mind off of her and yall saying its no big deal, you guys obviously never had a real relationship
OP responded:
He said he didn’t change his job earlier because, quote ‘I’m a doctor and there are people counting on me. I couldn’t just walk out on them one day.’ Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’.
Theficklemermaid wrote:
What stands out to me is he could have nipped this in the bud, since nothing could happen then when she asked if it was all in her head, he could’ve said yes and he has no interest then acted completely professionally instead of sending mixed messages.
If it would bother him to lie to her well, he has been lying to you by omission for years by not mentioning this. He let this carry on and now you know, suddenly he can change his job and get therapy, but it seems like too little too late.
I would also have trouble letting this go. Since again, the longing has been going on for years! Even if it wasn’t acted on, the feelings were indulged more than they should have been, and he’s only thinking of solutions to the problem now he has to rather than being proactive. I understand why this is an issue for you.
dlotaury88 wrote:
The thing that makes me say this is unacceptable was the reaction when you told him. If he really wasn’t trying to implode his marriage for that girl, when his wife asked about it, that should’ve been his wake up call. Instead, he took the opportunity to introduce the idea of this woman as a love interest.
What man would do that to a woman he really wants to stay with? I feel like he took that chance to start the process of making wife leave. I think he is doing all the right things to ‘stay innocent’ but he’s hoping the wife just divorces so he can be with this girl.
Three years is a very long time to have a crush. The fact that he never tried to remove himself before now, speaks volumes. He would’ve told you about the letter if he was loyal. I don’t think you’re wrong. I think most people don’t know what loyalty looks like.