'My husband is leaving me but won’t give me a reason. How do I explain this to family?' UPDATED
"Husband is leaving me but won’t give me a reason."
I just need a space to say what happened before I start telling my children and family. About 3 weeks ago, my husband and I had a long talk where he said he wasn’t happy in our relationship. He didn’t give me a specific reason, just that he was not happy. I asked him to put more effort in and see how we both feel after a holiday he was taking with his friends.
Well, during the holiday, he rang me all day every day, sent messages constantly, told me he loved me at the end of every conversation. It was so good having him be like that again. Today after a few things happening that I wasn’t happy about, I asked him how he was feeling and he said he hasn’t been happy for months, and that he wanted to separate. I asked him to do couples therapy, he said no.
I asked if he was 100% sure this is what he wanted, he said yes. The conversation was a couple of hours long, but that’s the gist of it. He says he loves me but he’s not happy when he comes home. I said you realize that you’re not happy with dinner on the table every night, a clean house and a family that love you.
I do 100% of the housework and pay half the bills.
We’ve been together 17 years. This hurts so badly. How can he decide that he just doesn’t want to be here anymore.
We have 2 children. I asked him when he started feeling like this, he said it was before September. I had no clue at all. But you know what was happening at that time? My mother was dying of cancer. So I didn’t pay as much attention to the relationship. I’m glad my mother didn’t live to see this, she thought the world of him and she was so sure he’d never do this.
I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t afford the house by myself, even with child support payments. I’ll probably have to move in with my 70 year old dad once my rent contract is up. He’ll not be happy about me and 2 teenagers uprooting his life. But I know I can rely on him. I am so angry.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
Dry-Beautiful8376 wrote:
I can almost bet that he is cheating . And why are paying half the bills and doing all the housework?
Allboyshere wrote:
100% he is cheating.
OP responded:
I work less hours, usually 2-3 days a week. He works between 50-60 hours a week. It made sense for me to do the housework and cooking.
carlorway wrote:
You should consider working full time. Maybe you can afford rent with a job, alimony, and child support.
OP responded:
No alimony where I am! I will be looking at getting a better job. I work less hours in the winter, more in the summer so my pay will go up a bit anyway. I hope I can make it work with child support.
Cocomelon3216 wrote:
Until you guys stop living together, you need to try find a job with longer hours asap and he will need to start doing half the household labor and looking after the kids fairly too so you have the time to work as many hours as he gets to and get yourself financially ready to be independent.
How old are the kids? Are you going to do 50/50 custody? Will be interesting to see how he goes doing 100% of the cooking and cleaning for himself if he's never done that. Unless he is cheating and already has a replacement lined up to do all the household labor for him so he doesn't have to.
OP responded:
Kids are teenagers, they’ll stay with me and visit him, we already touched on this a little. Rent prices where we live are crazy high, he’ll probably rent a room in a shared house so not ideal for my kids. He also works about an hour’s drive away, and he’ll be looking to move closer to work so the kids won’t see him during the week because of school.
Four months later, OP shared an update.
So so many people commented saying that he was cheating - and he was. The full story came out a couple of months after the separation. He had been sleeping with someone from work. I just found out that he is living with her. A while ago he asked me to forgive him and he asked if he could come home. I said no, he hurt me way too much to be able to come home. So now they live together.
I’m having some sort of feelings about this but I’m actually much happier. My house is so peaceful, I love that I live with just my kids. The freedom is unreal. Without him I can do what I want. There’s no one to tell me to wash clothes, cook dinner, or expect sex. I’m 100% sure he treats his girlfriend better than how he treated me.
I even got myself a boyfriend. It’s early days, but he treats me unbelievably well.
I'm so hopeful for the future. Thanks for reading, and to those who gave me advice and told me he was cheating. You were right. I’m glad he’s gone.
The internet was glad to hear the update.
prose-before-bros wrote:
My husband would say, "There's a problem here, but he's her problem now." Talk about the trash taking itself out.
*Okibelieveyou000 wrote:
You should tell her?!
Jedivulcangirl wrote:
Doing this would depend on if the AP knew he was married at the start. Working together I’m willing to bet she knew about OP and if that’s the case well if he cheats with you he’ll cheat on you 🤷♀️.
OP responded:
She knows!
Southern-Midnight741 wrote:
How are your children taking this?
OP responded:
Now that he’s coming to see them and bringing them to his house, they are much better. It was them that told me about the girlfriend. I didn’t give much of a reaction to the news, just asked if they met her, which they didn’t
Southern-Midnight741 wrote:
They aren’t upset with their father?
OP responded:
They don’t know he cheated. As far as they’re aware she’s just a new girlfriend. I won’t be telling them he cheated, although the truth always comes out eventually and when they’re older I’m sure they’ll figure it out and I’ll tell them the full story.
rino3311 wrote:
Really respect this. They’ll find out one day but it’s big and commendable of you to put them first and spare them the additional pain, trauma and conflicting emotions of finding out now. You’re a good mom and person. His loss. This too shall pass and you will one day be so much happier.