'My husband is not invited to my brother's wedding. My straight siblings have plus ones.' UPDATED 2X
No one wants to believe their family is prejudice against them, even if the signs are there.
"My husband is not invited to my brother's wedding."
My [33M] brother [30M] is getting married this summer. The invitations have been sent out and even though I'm married my husband is not invited. In December I'll have been married to him for five years and together with him for a total of 15 years.
None of my other brothers and sisters are married or in a relationship but they have all been afforded a plus one as has every other adult guest whether they are married or not. My brother tried to tell me there is no room on the guest list.
I'm extremely hurt and I'm disappointed that he is excluding my husband and that my other brothers and sisters, my parents and my grandparents say that he is right that is no room, that I can't force my husband on the guest list and that I'm wrong to be upset.
They've never outright shown that they are against my husband but now I know better. Before now he was always included in family event. It really hurts.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
UPDATE: People who said in the comments that it was because of the bride are right. I tried talking to my brother about this and he said his fiancée and her family don't believe in gay marriage so that's why they didn't invite my husband and told everyone that I'm straight. I'm not going to the wedding. Thank you for the support.
People had plenty to say in response.
Strong-Extension-976 wrote:
That's truly awful to hear. But I would consider not going to an event where my partner of 15 years isn't welcome. Tell them you are going to save them another guest on the list.
OP responded:
I have told him. I'm staying home and not going to Brisbane for the wedding.
albatross6232 wrote:
Oh I’d still go to Brisbane, just not to the wedding. There are tons of things to do up there. Make it a lovely weekend for you both. If you’re lucky, you will run into some friends or extended family and you can tell them how much fun you’re having NOT going to your brothers wedding because your husband wasn’t invited.
Maybe even stay at the venue/hotel where everyone else is staying, and wander down around pick up time in shorts and T-shirt, telling everyone you’re off to go whale watching, since your husband, the grooms BIL, wasn’t invited to the wedding. I’d be petty AF with it.
OP responded:
There is no hotel. With the exception of myself, everyone else who was invited lives in Brisbane. And as I said in my post, my family says I am wrong to be upset about this. They do not care what I think. I have absolutely no desire to be anywhere near people who have hurt me so much.
flynbyu2 wrote:
OP, of course it hurts. If your family cannot respect you & your husband's marriage, then I wouldn't blame you for not attending your brother's wedding, pure & simple. You are not wrong to be upset. "There is no room on the guest list." What bulls-t.
Under_Ach1ever wrote:
I feel like this requires more than just not going to the wedding.
I'm sorry, but this is in the realm of "f- every single family member that supports your brother and don't speak to them again" type of response.
This is your husband, the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with. I can't imagine how he'd feel being around ANY of the people that support his exclusion from the wedding. Can you? How can he ever be comfortable around those people? I can't imagine speaking to any of them ever again. Sorry for your situation.
Almost two years later, OP shared an update.
Background from my first post: My husband was not invited to my brother's wedding. At the time my husband and I had been together for almost 15 years and married for almost 5 years (now almost 17 years and married for 7 years).
We found out that my husband wasn't invited only 8 weeks before the wedding, months after my brother had joined my husband and I when we went shopping for new suits for the wedding. All of my other siblings were single but they were all given a plus one, as were the other adult guests. It was only my husband who wasn't invited and me who wasn't allowed a plus one.
My brother's fiancée and her family thought my "lifestyle" was wrong so her and my brother told everyone I'm straight and not married. Previously I had never had any issues with my brother's fiancée. But apparently she always believed I'm a degenerate. None of my other siblings, my parents or my grandparents sided with me.
They said I was wrong for being upset. I didn't go back to Brisbane (where my family and my brother's fiancée/her family all live) for the wedding. No one from my family has spoken to me since due to how upset they are that I "tried to make your brother's wedding about you" in their words.
Me being upset that my husband wasn't invited and my brother telling his fiancée's family I'm straight means I made the wedding all about me. I have realised my family wasn't actually supportive of me being gay as I thought. They wanted to keep up appearances for the wedding.
It has been almost 2 years. Even after everything I still miss them sometimes. But I also know that it's better for me this way. My husband has been wonderful. His family who are the exact opposite of mine and they have been wonderful as well. I've had a few messages asking for an update. I appreciated all the kind comments in my other post. Apologies if this is anticlimactic.
People were invested in the update.
Driverpicksthetunes wrote:
I’m sorry your family is allowing and participating in this behavior. It sucks to miss them even when it’s for the best. Sending love and hugs!!
Eliraethebow wrote:
As someone living in Brisbane this is absolutely wild. Gold Coast (Christians) or Sunshine Coast (Conservatives) I would understand. But Brisbane? Totally nuts. Your family is messed up mate. Their behaviour is absolutely not okay, but the good news is, their bigotry is not your responsibility to deal with.
I know it’s hard, I was estranged from my father for a long time (he’s since passed) and I often longed to speak with him. But I knew it was the right decision for my mental health. Good luck moving on and building your family with people you choose!
Empress-Rae wrote:
I’m happy you found the love and family you deserve dear. Continue to cherish each other.
SSOJ16 wrote:
:( I never read your original, but this makes me really sad. I'm sorry your family sucks, but I'm happy your husband and his family are supportive. I can fully understand being tempted to reach out, it's your family after all, and we want to believe they're good people. But tolerating and accepting are 2 different things.
Someone's orientation is not something to tolerate, nor should it bring shame to the family.
I hope you find a way to fill that void or get some closure, that's a heavy thing to carry around.
Would it make you feel better to maybe write a letter. Letting them know how deeply it hurt you? I don't know if they would just continue to downplay your feelings or if it would give them a smack upside their heads. Either way, give your hubby some extra cuddles and live the best life you can live.
Iloveesme wrote:
Hi mate! I’d just like to offer my services to your husband and your good self!!! I would like to apply for the position as your “Irish Family”. The mother and me live in Dublin and would to see you both over here someday soon, as it’s been far too long since you guys have visited! It’d be really great to have a family reunion!!
jacksev wrote:
It's really sad when we as LGBTQ people come to the realization that even family's love can come with conditions. Even when they think it's not like that, it often is. I'm sure to them, this wasn't really a big deal. Your friend didn't need to come, this is a family event. It's not like men are REALLY married to other men, even if the law says they are.
It's just not the same.
When I turned 18 I realized that about my own and distanced myself. It wasn't until my dad died almost 8 years later that I reconnected, but in these last few years I've slowly come to realize nothing has really changed.
Even my mom's family, who allegedly is more supportive, only seems to feel that way about me specifically because I hear their nasty opinions about what's going on in the world. It doesn't really feel real, either. This is why we make chosen families. I'm so glad you're in a better space now and his family treats you the way you deserve to be treated.