'AITA for telling my husband he can't be mad at my daughter since he doesn't consider her his child?'

"AITA For telling my husband he shouldn't be upset when my daughter said that her uncle would be the one to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day?"

beige_donut19 writes:

I (F 46) got pregnant with my daughter Sarah (F 26) when I was in college. My parents and my then boyfriend's parents pushed us to marry, which we did. My late husband unfortunately passed away a week after our daughter's second birthday because of a heart complication that we did not even know he had. It was a very hard time for me, and I went through a very bad depression.

Four years later, I met my now husband Robert (M 46) on a blind date set up by a friend. He was one of my best friend's cousins. We hit it off and got married a year later.

Even when we were dating, he was very hands-on with my daughter, and it did not take too long for my daughter to call him "papa." Even after we got married and when I got pregnant two years into the marriage and gave birth to twins (M 17 and F 17), he still acted like a father to Sarah. She was even included in my husband's family reunions and the cousin group photoshoot that my in-laws organize every Christmas.

Things took a bit of a turn when Sarah turned eighteen. She started calling him by his first name, and both Robert and I were taken aback by the change in attitude she was displaying. I asked Robert what that was about, but he only shrugged, not knowing the reason either.

I thought things would go back to normal, but she has been consistent in calling him by his first name, so I asked her if we could talk. Robert asked if he could join, which Sarah agreed to. To make it short, my daughter overheard my husband talking about a Father's Day trip to his friend who owns a hostel.

His friend asked him if he forgot to include Sarah since my husband only asked him to prepare three bedrooms. My husband replied that he planned this trip for his real children only. It wouldn't make sense if Sarah was on the trip since he wasn't her real father. This made Sarah feel betrayed and hurt because she saw him as her real dad even if she knew he was her stepdad.

My husband tried to explain to her that though he loves her as a father, his love for the twins was different since they were his real children. I wanted to just shut him up because he was overusing the word "real." But Sarah told us to leave her room.

What made that day even more depressing was that this day was her last week with us before she left the country for college. Since then, every time she comes home, Sarah acts like nothing happened but continues to call Robert by his first name. Robert didn't want to add fuel to the fire and just tolerated it.

And now, a few years since then, my daughter announced her engagement to her long-time boyfriend. We were very happy for her as they have been dating since they were still college freshmen. Two weeks before their wedding, we were wondering who would be walking Sarah down the aisle.

I assumed it would be Robert since I thought we had moved past that incident, but no. My daughter scoffed at me when I told her about Robert walking her down the aisle. She said, "I thought it was obvious that Uncle Greg (my late husband's brother) would be the one to do that?

Besides, I'm not his real daughter. It wouldn't make sense if he walked me down the aisle." I did not talk back, instead apologized for my ignorance and told her that I'd speak with Robert about it, since he also assumed he'd be the one to walk her down the aisle.

When I told him what Sarah said, he was pissed. But I politely reminded him of the incident years ago, which made him even more upset. He said that it was a long time ago and that Sarah should move on.

I was offended for my daughter. I told him that he shouldn't be upset since he doesn't see her as his real child anyway. He then got teary-eyed and told me not to speak to him. He still attended Sarah's wedding but looked visibly down. We still aren't on good terms and have been pretending in front of relatives.

My daughter does not know about this, and I want to keep it that way. Nevertheless, it's been a week since my daughter's wedding, and Robert is still upset. He only talks to me about the twins and household stuff, but beyond that, he keeps everything to himself. I feel really bad and think he is acting this way because of me. So, without being said, AITA?

Here are the top comments:

Still-Preference5464 says:

NTA she saw him as her real father but he didn’t see her as his real daughter. He can’t pick and choose when she’s his daughter and when she isn’t.

CatJarmanPants says:

Robert is learning - or perhaps more accurately - having the consequences forced upon him, that some bells cannot be unrung. He jumped off a cliff. He can't go back in time, and he doesn't have wings. There is nothing he can do, and he just needs to accept that.

Few_Lemon_4698 says:

I mean this in the kindest way possible f%^k Robert because quite frankly Roberts a c#*t. He just ripped that child's heart apart. That girl looked up to him all her life, and he rejected her as a daughter the minute you gave him his biological children. Now he's feeling sorry for himself because she's returning that energy. F&%k robert. Tbh if I was your late husbands brother, and I knew what he's done, I'd spin his jaw.

Batgirl_1984 says:

NTA. How would he feel if you said he wasn’t your “real” husband since your first spouse passed?

What do you think?