'My husband is so jealous of our kids, it’s starting to scare me. Is this marriage savable?' UPDATED

If your gut is telling you something's off, it's likely off, especially if you don't want it to be.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman asked if her marriage is salvageable after she noticed a shift in her husband toward her and the babies. She wrote:

"He (42m) is so jealous of our kids and it’s starting to scare me (35f). Is this family and marriage even savable?"

My husband (42m) and I (35f) tried for so long to have our boys and girl. Due to a health issue my husband suffered, he developed fertility issues and we had to get medical assistance to be able to have our children. If we didn’t, he’d probably never have kids. So we went through fertility treatment.

He desperately wanted his own biological children and we spent a fortune just to bring them into the world and now he’s jealous and distant with them? He’s constantly in competition with his own infant children. If I hold the children he gets frustrated. Any time they take my attention away he gets completely pissy. He’s always in a foul mood, irritable and just down right nasty. I don’t understand it.

Why is he like this? Our children are barely 6 months and they won’t stop crying every time he’s near. I feel like they can sense his negativity. I tried talking to him. I've suggested he take interest in the kids and spend more time with us as a family. I know it can sometimes take a little longer for parents to bond with their children but this is down right scary to experience. He’s full of jealousy and envy.

He sees our children as competition to my time and affections. A few times now he has made comments about feeling frustrated that I still breast feed our children. The thing is we mix feed, so he has had ample opportunity to feed them and he just doesn’t. He also said that this (meaning our life & our marriage after children) wasn’t what he thought it would be like. I mean what did he expect?

A singular baby cries and three of them cry a lot. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 7 years. He wanted these children. He pushed for them and now this. I never thought this would ever be me. I am scared. I am scared for my children. I have tried talking to him but he just brushes me off. I’ve suggested counseling. He refuses. He tells me it’s all in my head.

I want to save this marriage but I am scared I won’t be able to and maybe it’s not worth saving. He comes home later everyday. He avoids us on the weekends and any time he has off. I’m not ashamed to say that I went through his phone and there are a lot flirtatious text between him and a “Jessica.” I don’t think anything has happened between them but it sure looks like they are building up to it.

I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid. Where do I go with three children, with no money and no family that can help me? I haven’t worked in two years and I’ve spent all my savings on having these children. My mind is in a complete meltdown. I can’t sleep I can’t think and I’m always exhausted. What the hell happened? Is this him now forever?

Edit: Some of you are some real evil b*stards ! Stop blaming me for him mistreating me! I do not deserve to be treated this way and neither do my kids! Stop messaging me evil things!

Commenters did not hold back their honest thoughts.

in_and_out_burger wrote:

Get a camera in the babies bedroom. Check other subs on tips on how to leave safely - some suggest removing important docs like passports and birth certs and storing in a safety deposit box or trusted friend.

You can rent a small storage unit in a nearby area and move stuff over bit by bit so he doesn’t notice (may not be practical with three babies though). Can you take out a bit of cash when you buy groceries abs stash somewhere? Sell items on Marketplace for additional cash.

FruFanGirl wrote:

My dad was like this. Always angry and jealous anytime my mom focused on us 3 kids instead of him. And accusing her always of “running after us so she better get up and serve him too”. And “I’ll make you run”. I am in my late 30s and he still does this toward my 8 year old if my mom does anything for him. No I don’t bring my child around much but he hasn’t changed in 40 years.

Narcissistic, childish, selfish. You’re dealing with my dad basically. Start planning to get out bc it’s not normal plus he already may be cheating and using the family dynamics as an excuse to justify it (he’s not getting enough attention from you and now you’re the enemy who pushes him to another woman). I’m sorry.

OP responded:

This hurt to read but thank you.

javukasin wrote:

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I left my husband when my kids were 6 months old and 2 years old for this reason. It was the best decision I ever made. During separation when he would come to “visit the kids” it always turned into him wanting to have one-on-one time with me; it was never about wanting to spend time with his children.

By the time I left him my 2yo was terrified of him and cried and his behind my legs when he walked into the room. He never hit me; the yelling was enough.

My kids are in their 20s now and are amazing, but my oldest has chronic anxiety and diagnosed OCD, and I wonder to this day if it was caused, in part, by the trauma of her father being verbally ab*sive.

I was fortunate enough to have a fully supportive family who continues to support me and my kids to this day, but I understand you don’t have that. Try to find a therapist who specializes in DV. Try to start making plans to leave. I am so sorry.

ComfortableSearch704 wrote:

First off, are you getting help with the triplets? It doesn’t sound as if he is doing anything whatsoever to help with the children. Are you getting any rest? I think your first issue is to gather/create a support system so that you can get some help for a bit with the kids, so that you get rest on a regular basis.

That support system can also help you plan your escape in the event that you need to remove yourself and the children from him, that way he can’t lash out and try to stop you from leaving or get violent. You could certainly try couples counseling. Have you suggested it? If so, what was his response? His response will help determine if you should even go to counseling with him.

It won’t necessarily be resistance, it will be anger that says it may not work.

If at any point he gets angry and becomes violent, you run. I’d keep a go bag packed up for you and the kids in the event of an emergency.

Put a few of his things in there as well so that if he finds it, you can say it’s a family emergency bag. In the meantime, really think if there have been prior red flags that because of how long you’ve been together, you may have missed. We tend to get blind spots by the time the mask drops.

Ideas for getting support:

Your local women’s shelter. They have counselors and other resources that can help you. They can help you with planing and even help with housing in a crunch. This will probably offer the most practical help.

Even if you aren’t religious, find a local church. I would suggest Episcopalian. They have liberal policies and won’t turn you away. Go speak with the pastor. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be. How this guy can leave you alone to take care of 6mos old triplets disgusts me. I hope you can find support quickly.

OP responded:

He doesn’t help me at all. I take care of our kids on my own. My parents are long gone and my sister is abroad. She stayed with us for the birth and a month after the children were born. She lives in France but she’s due to return home this summer. So I know I’ll have her help when she’s back. But I’m trying not to bother her as she’s going through a divorce. I’ve suggested couples counseling and he refuses.

He says everything is in my head. I’m actually even crying writing this but I do have a small to go bag in the trunk of my car. Just in case. I feel like I’m not being rational because he doesn’t hurt me or the kids but I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. Like what happened to my happy go lucky husband? Who’s this person I’m afraid of?

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Thank you to the person who said I should watch his interactions with my babies more closely and frequently. Not even hours after I posted here asking for advice I caught him pinching my son! While I was scrolling on here and replying to people I decided to check my baby monitor and I watched my husband enter our children’s room and insult them in a hushed and whispery tone.

I couldn’t make out much of what he was saying but he was without a doubt telling them that he hated them and wished them dead. Then he pinched my son and my baby boy didn’t even cry which made me think he’s done this many times before.

It all happened so fast and by the time I could make sense of what was happening on the monitor he was already walking down the hallway and down the stairs. At the same time I had leapt off the sofa and pretty much tackled him as he came off the stairs. We got into a physical and verbal altercation, we fought, argued and shouted for hours.

I guess the police were called by the neighbors because the next thing I know the police are banging on my door. I explained the situation to the p*lice and the officers said that they could not prove that my baby was harmed since he didn’t have a bruise and my baby monitor was only on live feed and not simultaneously recording.

Eventually they got my husband to agree to pack a bag and leave. He left reluctantly. He has since been blowing up my phone begging for forgiveness, talking about how he’s been depressed and stressed by the babies, and that his anxiety and jealousy got the best of him.

I just responded once telling him to go f#$k himself. I’ve also been in contact with a lawyer and she’s advised me to leave him unblocked in case he further incriminates himself. I don’t even recognize who this man is! Where did this all come from? How did this happen? Has any other parent experienced this? How did you handle this?

Before y’all start jumping down my throat I am absolutely getting a divorce and I will do everything in my power to get full custody. I did take my children to our family doctor and they are in good health and there are no other signs of ab*se. I’ve filled a report with the police and my lawyer is dealing with it. I’m also about to start the process of divorce.

The internet had a lot to say in response to the update.

ALittleBitBeefy wrote:

GOOD JOB!!!!! You’re doing great. Your babies deserve your protection from that ab*sive POS. Save everything and don’t let him around them unsupervised EVER again, but even that is generous. You’re doing excellent.

OP responded:

I’m doing everything I can to protect them! This all happened a few days ago but I am in the process of getting a temporary restraining order.

My lawyer is handling it and I understand it takes some time to actually get one and in the meantime I’ve been advised that I can just deny him visitation until he gets a judgment from the courts that forces me to grant him access to my babies but that takes time. So in the meantime he can’t force me or my babies to see him.

I’ve recorded every call and saved ever text. Literally documenting everything. Thankfully he’s saying and texting a goldmine of incriminating things that I hope would be sufficient information for a judge to give me and my babies a restraining/protective order and for family court to grant me primary and sole custody.

ButterflyWings71 wrote:

I worked as a pediatric nurse for years and way too many times, the mom does nothing or makes excuses until the poor child is killed. Sending OP and her babies and prayers in this difficult time and please update us if she wishes. If not already, get security cameras that record just in case he tries to come back home.

Spicy_Burrito77 wrote:

Did you tell him you seen him pinch the babies?

OP responded:

Yes. He at first told me I was imagining things. Then switched to saying he was just frustrated our son wouldn’t go to sleep. Then he started saying that he was angry that our son was interrupting our “personal time” and that he was doing it on purpose because the other babies were asleep so why wasn’t he? Honestly nothing he says makes sense to me.

Like my baby boy was just laying there sleepy and he would’ve fallen back to sleep by himself that bastard actually woke him up with his pinching and insults. He says he went in their room to check up on them and I call bulls**t on that he went in there to torment my children. Who in their right mind whispers d*ath to two sleeping babies and a another half asleep baby?!

Spicy_Burrtio77 responded:

Did he tell you this over the phone or in text? That alone should help speed up the restraining order if you have it recorded or in a text.

OP responded:

This was on a call which I’ve recorded!

PatheticPelosiPander wrote:

My ex turned into mega-dick when our baby came. He'd get made at the cost of diapers & formula; when baby was older and eating solid food, ex got mad when I bought fruit or vegetables. So much more. He hit our son and left a bruise, so we left the house and marriage.

OP responded:

Oh my god this! Everyday he was moaning and grumbling about the cost of diapers,baby wipes etc!

I’m so sorry you experienced a similar situation. I hope you and your son are happy and safe!

PatheticPelosiPander responded:

Thank you. We're both well these +20 years later. Follow your gut, momma. It'll never let you down. Very best of luck!

SpyderB3tes wrote:

Good on you. He would have made all of your lives miserable for as long as he was in it.

How vile do you have to be to hurt an infant.

I hope your anger towards him never subsides. Only because this is the only time you saw abuse. If your baby didn't cry, then it's clear he has been abusing those babies often. Let me say that again. He conditioned those babies to not cry because he was ab*sing those babies OFTEN!

OP responded:

My rage will never subside. I refuse to let it die. You are absolutely right! He conditioned my babies to just accept his ab*se as if it’s part of life! No wonder my babies cried whenever he was around. They must’ve been so anxious and scared of being left alone with him. Just thinking of them being so scared brings me to uncontrollable tears.

109566 wrote:

Upgrade that monitor to one which records. Same for entrances into the home.

OP responded:

I’ve set the monitor up to record now! I’ve also ordered a home security system and will be installing it real soon!

Top_Put1541 wrote:

"He has since been blowing up my phone begging for forgiveness, talking about how he’s been depressed and stressed by the babies, and that his anxiety got the best of him."

He just wants more and better access to his victims. This is someone who gets off on hurting children. Actual human beings who are stressed and depressed do not sneak around ab*sing children for their dopamine hits.

OP responded:

Exactly! I’m tired, stressed, depressed and I’m physically still not fully healed from the pregnancy and the cesarean birth but not once have I thought of hurting anyone let alone a baby! I don’t buy his bulls**t excuses.

He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong otherwise he wouldn’t have been sneaking around and being all hush hush. I do not believe him for one second. He’s a goddamn beastly man.

Moopig48 wrote:

And they are smart babies, they didn’t cry when he snuck in alone and he ab*sed them, but when their hero mom was in the room they did everything they could to tell her. They sounded an alarm and Mom was paying attention.

OP responded:

This has me weeping terribly!

While this is a horrific situation, it's good to hear OP is doing everything in her power to protect herself and her babies.