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'My husband kicked me out of the home because I invited over his estranged mother.' UPDATED 2X

'My husband kicked me out of the home because I invited over his estranged mother.' UPDATED 2X

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Ignoring someone else's firm boundaries is never a good look, even if you think your intentions are pure.

"My husband kicked me out of the home because I invited over his mother."

I preface this by saying I think I screwed up massively. Hubbie and I have been married for six years now. He's always been the "fun guy", always laughing and making me laugh, always seeing the bright side of things. However, one thing that bothered me was that I never knew much of his family. His father died when he was little and he has little relationship with his mom.

I'll keep this short: four months ago I looked up his mom on social media and found her. I sent a message, and she replied. We chatted and met up, she doesn't live far from us. She knew all about me and her son because she kept an eye on him on social. We became friends and I filled her in with details about our lives. I asked her why hubbie went no contact with her.

She refused to tell me why if hubbie didn't tell me, just said it was all her fault and she's ashamed of it. I proposed to try what I could to help them reconcile and she agreed even if she was reluctant at first. In the following weeks I tried talking to hubbie about his mother and what happened between them. He always changed topic or shut me down.

When MIL asked me how it was going, I told her things were progressing and I was working on it. Last week I decided to try and have them meet up so maybe we could spend Easter together. I invited MIL over before my husband would be back from work so we could surprise.

She was a bit unsure about this, she said she wasn't comfortable surprising him like that, but I reassured her. I thought that any emotion hubbie could have would be better cooled by a hug. Spoiler alert, MIL was right. Hubbie came home, and after the initial shock started yelling like I never heard him to her to get out immediately. She just grabbed her coat and stormed out.

Afterwards, hubbie told me to get out too when I explained what I had done. He didn't yell at me, but his voice was cold and almost emotionless. I've been staying at my sister's since. Hubbie won't take my calls. MIL cried on the phone and asked why I lied like that and never talked to my hubbie and "prepared" him for that. Now she stopped taking my calls as well.

I know I have screwed up big time, and I see now what a massive dork I've been. How can I fix this? I want to apologize to hubbie for what I did and maybe find out why his mom is d*ad to him.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

You’re a manipulative liar with no concept of boundaries. You’re staring divorce in the face and STILL want details on a situation that has absolutely fuck all to do with you. You know you’re a despicable person when even the estranged mother wants nothing to do with you. Grow up.

MollyRolls wrote:

You transgressed on such a massive and personal level and you still think you might be entitled to “find out why”? OP, this is not your trauma. Your husband is an autonomous adult who is allowed to set his own boundaries, and if you couldn’t trust his ability to make good decisions in that regard you should not have married him.

Instead you meddled and undermined and completely violated his trust—he trusted that you would act like a partner, not an overbearing matchmaker who didn’t believe him about his own lived experience. You don’t have to know what happened. It is not your place to judge whether it was “bad enough.”

It does not matter if you ever understand. All you ever had to do was trust him, and you demonstrated you have no interest in being that sort of spouse, and so it serves you right if you lost him.

sk1999sk wrote:

Ask your husband to go to marriage counseling. You betrayed him big time. He may never be able to forgive you. You also need individual therapy to find out why you would do something like this to someone you supposedly love. If your husband refuses marriage counseling and ends your marriage, please see a therapist on you your own.

Aspen9999 wrote:

People that were raised with good parents just can’t seem to comprehend that not all families are like theirs. But I hope he divorces her, she didn’t respect his choices nor did she trust his judgement. You can’t have a successful marriage without your spouse trusting and respecting you.

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

The last weeks have been rough, but we might be okay. Hubbie opened up about the reason he cut off his mother and many of you were right, it was s#xua# abuse. Not from his mother, but his stepfather. They were engaged and his mom was pregnant with his child when the guy started giving my husband "attention."

Husband went to his mom but she shut him down accusing him of being jealous and wanting to spoil her happiness. This went on until his mother came home from work unexpectedly and walked in on the guy "giving attention" to my husband. She kicked him out, pressed charges and annulled their engagement, but the damage was done and my husband no longer trusted her.

She also lost the baby due to stress and although she never blamed my husband for it, he felt it was his fault. All this felt like a gut punch for me, first for what he went through, and then because now I am the person who shattered his trust. He said he did consider divorce over this, but pretty bluntly said that he thinks my actions were out of stupidity rather than malice, and he wants to work things out.

I am committed to do my best to become a better and safe partner for him, I know I have this stupid and selfish tendency to think that I often know better than him, but I have to get over it because it hurt him massively and almost imploded our relationship.

I don't want to be another person he trusted and ended up hurting him. He also decided to reach out to his mom and start talking to her again. He's not sure they can repair the relationship, but he wants for both of them to find some closure.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

MrSlabBulkhead wrote:

You better spend the rest of your life bending over backwards in rebuilding your relationship with your husband. Like, you have NO idea how lucky you are he’s even giving you one chance, 99.99999% of people like your husband would be divorcing you right now. I’m honestly stunned he hasn’t and I honestly believe the odds are strong that he still will. This is your one and only shot: don’t mess it up.

xanif wrote:

Another example of someone with a savior complex trying to "fix" things.

laurcarol wrote:

There is zero reason for him to repair the relationship with his mom . I hope he gets the closure he deserves. I happen to remember your original post, and I still don’t know if you fully grasp what you did wrong.

Kebar8 wrote:

Just so you know this is not something that will be fixed in the next few weeks or months. This is going to take years for you to regain his full trust and love again. I hope you've put yourself in therapy to work out why you put yourself first here and not his wishes.

Dry-Hearing5266 wrote:

You need to put yourself in therapy. Your level of boundary stomping and dismissing your husband's feelings along with your admission that you often "think that I often know better than him" shows you have issues that you need to address in individual therapy

You need to understand that you don't deserve his consideration no matter the reason for his estrangement with his mother. Whether you think it's justified or not. You seem to have some narcissistic tendencies, and you need to get that addressed. A mentally healthy person would never do this.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hello everyone. You can find the rest of the story on my previous post. My husband is doing better and our relationship is slowly getting back to what it was. I know it will take a lot of time to repair the damage I caused, but I am willing to give him all the time he wants and do anything he asks out of me.

The bitter irony of this whole story is that he told me he had been thinking about reaching out to his mother, but on his terms and time. By going behind his back I almost destroyed the chance of reconciliation and imploded our marriage. I am working on myself and will start seeing a therapist next month so I never do something like that ever again and more importantly, never betray his trust again.

Also, with my husband's knowledge and consent, I apologized to MIL for leading her on with false promises and she has forgiven me. As for him and MIL, they started talking to each other, have met a couple of times in public and yesterday my husband invited her over for dinner so that in his words we all can try to start over properly.

She's a very sweet woman and she's eager to reconcile with him and get to know me. My husband said that for now he wants for all of us to get a bit used to each other, then he and MIL will get to work on their traumas (his words).

He says she's not the "villain" in what happened, but he needs to come to terms with her poor decisions and his own feelings of guilt for her losing her baby. MIL on the other hand is very apologetic and extremely sorry about what happened (in my husband's opinion, sincerely so) and doesn't blame him at all for the misc#rriage.

As for me, I just sit aside and do my best to rebuild the trust with my husband and become a better and safe partner. He started being affectionate with me again and we are no longer on thin ice, but I can't stop thinking I almost lost him because I thought I knew better than him.

The comments came in.

Veronika9216 wrote:

I remember your story, and I hope you appreciate how lucky you are to be given a second chance. You know you screwed up when both your husband and the estranged parent are upset at you for what you have done. It seems you all are on the road of reconciling, but never forget that your short-sighted actions could have nuked any possibility of them reconciling and your own marriage.

Be thankful you are given this chance, don't screw it up and although your husband and MIL have forgiven you for breaking both their trusts, it will take time to rebuild their trust for you.

miriamcek wrote:

Does your husband know you're spreading his business over the internet?? He didn't even want you to know about it, and here you are, willy nilly telling everyone about him getting r#ped. It doesn't matter that this is anonymous. He doesn't want to think about it, talk about it.

Syclone11 wrote:

I am happy for you OP. You know how you massively screwed up and have shown yourself to be remorseful and have grasped what you did to your husband. He and his mother have a lot of healing to do. You are right to stay out of it going forward unless asked by your husband.

He is being affectionate because he does love you and knows you deserve redemption and is looking to give you that gift. You are very lucky and I think this will make you a more complete partner. I wish nothing but the best for you, your husband and his mother.

lodgik wrote:

I'm pretty sure that the fact that he had apparently already been considering reconciliation with his mother on his own is the only thing that saved this marriage. She knew he was no-contact with this his mother and she had no right to go against that. But she still betrayed him by going behind his back. I'm not sure I would have wanted to stay with her after that.

Sources: Reddit
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