'My husband is leaving me for a younger woman, and all I can think about is the house décor.' UPDATED

"My husband is leaving me for a younger woman, and all I can think about is the house décor."

I made this account because my main one has my friends on it and I’m way too embarrassed to be known as the cheated-on wife. I’m 34F, married for 7 years to my husband (41M), together for 10. I love my husband and always thought he felt the same about me. We built a life together.

Eight years ago, he had severe anxiety and couldn’t sleep, so I would stay up with him, holding his hands and doing breathing exercises until he could finally rest. I’d go to work exhausted. I helped him find a therapist, I encouraged him to grow in his career even though he was afraid.

Six years ago, I quit my job to take care of his mom who had cancer because he had the potential to earn more than me. While I was job hunting again, I got pregnant, and he suggested I stay home to take care of him and our daughter. So I did. I cared for him and I loved him.

In December, he got a promotion, which meant more hours. I gave birth to our daughter in March. I went through a phase where I felt horrible fat, ugly and it was just me and my baby at home. He barely talked to me, always said he was tired, and that I wouldn’t understand what he had to say.

If it wasn’t for my mom staying on video calls with me, I think I would have felt completely abandoned. I’ve been suggesting couples therapy since June, and he kept saying everything was fine. Now I feel like I’m nothing more than a mother. I used to read, study, be interesting. I wasn’t sx*ually frustrated or insecure back then. I used to have conversations about politics, music, books, art.

I decorate our house myself with my own savings and it’s everything I ever dreamed of. I love my house. The colors, the furniture, my kitchen. It took me years to make it exactly how I wanted. I have the garden I always dreamed of, a vegetable patch I adore, and a hanging chair where I love to sit with my baby.

Last week, he came home later than usual and I was happy to see him. I was in the living room playing with our daughters. He asked the older one to go to her room. He seemed like he had been drinking and then said, “I love you so much, but I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

He told me I wasn’t the person he fell in love with anymore. Then he said he was in love with a girl from work, that she was everything he’d ever dreamed of, and that he needed to give himself the chance to live that love without guilt. Yes, he cheated on me with a 22-year-old.

When I finally managed to speak, the only thing that came out was, “But what about my home décor?” At some point, I picked up my baby and started shouting things like, “I put time into this house! I did everything it needed! This house is mine!”

We argued because apparently I didn’t value his suffering enough. I don’t know why I kept talking about the house. I guess I’m disposable. I’m 34, with a 4 month baby and a 4-year-old daughter. I don’t have a job. I’m going to lose my dream home. I feel ugly, fat, and he’s told me he’s not attracted to me anymore because I gained too much weight during my last pregnancy.

Edit: I’m going to talk with his mom and brother about the divorce today. I’m starting with them because they’re close to me, and his brother went through a divorce over infidelity early last year. Also, his mom is very attached to me for obvious reasons, I was there for her during the worst part of her life, and his brother and I are also very close.

I also texted my mom, and she’s coming here to stay with me and the girls, I hope she gets the visa to visit, and my dad, who’s American, will be coming to my state in 2 weeks.

Edit 2: I talked to his brother about the affair and he leaving. He told me to find a lawyer (The same thing you all said) now we’re talking to a few lawyers today. I accepted the help because I have the girls with me, so it’s hard to do everything alone.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

nickypj wrote:

Don’t you dare feel ashamed. He cheated on you. Hand that shame right back to him. In fact, don’t let him silence you about his wrong-doings because you feel embarrassed! Tell everyone you know. This is his bad. Pack your decor, find a place for you and the kids and make it your own. You’ll see how happy you can be without him.

Tangled_up_in_blue wrote:

Please don't protect him, thinking it's a way to protect yourself. In other words, don't try to make it seem like it's something else, i.e. "we grew apart" or "we both need our space." He'll likely want you to do damage control for him. Don't. Tell everyone, including his family and friends, that he's abandoning you and your children for a 22-year-old that he met at work.

You think it makes you look bad. No. It only makes you look like the injured party. It makes him look horrible. What kind of a person does that? Him. And you need to let people know it. Do not protect him. He's not protecting you or your children. Gather all the evidence you can, get a great lawyer, and let him sink his own boat.

Trick-Love4571 wrote:

This is horrible but what it highlights is his lack of communication regarding his unhappiness, you aren’t a mind reader and he chose to not communicate where he felt problems existed. You can build another dream home with someone else you love. Make sure he gets 50/50 joint custody because those kids are his responsibility and he will fully try and offload them onto you so he can be with his whore.

Great_Baker_ wrote:

I am so sorry for what this poor excuse of a husband is putting you through. This is not your fault and you are not the one that should be afraid. Get a good lawyer and make him move out. Your kids need stability and he’s the one blowing up your marriage. Get yourself some support from family or friends. You deserve better than him. I hope you find someone who deserves your love.

Helpful-Attention-31 wrote:

Going to chime in with a psychological perspective. Sometimes when we are emotionally overwhelmed we will cling to seemingly weird things - like home decor, in order to avoid a total collapse. If we can obsess over the house, we don’t have to face the pain of the loss yet.

And that’s not necessarily the loss of this sad AH of a husband - but the loss of your time, energy, body that you felt good in etc. I’m really sorry this happened. Your mind wants to protect you from feeling what you might not yet have capacity for.

You were in shock and your brain went: home decor! A bit like my grandma at my grandpas funeral, where in the middle of it all she started to worry about something entirely unrelated.

Yokohama_She1111 wrote:

I'm so sorry this happened to you. If you want the house you'll need to fight for it in the divorce. If your husband was even a little bit decent he should leave it to you and your daughters so that the kids aren't uprooted. That's the least he can do for you if he wants to go build another life he'll regret. You're going to need resolve and a plan...get evidence of his cheating and start building your case...

Prudent-Job-5443 wrote:

I read what you wrote. It's a story that will stay with me. I don't know how it's going to play out. But I do know that when you decide to tell some friends, and they help you find the right lawyer, you'll have more clarity. I hope the house remains your home.

A week later, OP shared an update.

My husband is leaving me for a younger woman, and all I can think about is the house décor. Hi, I’m writing cause I feel pathetic, tired, I just want to skip to when this phase of my life is over. A brief summary of what happened this week, and I can’t believe I loved this man. My brother in law is staying at my house until my family arrives, and my best friend visits me every day.

On Monday, my brother in law asked my ex to leave the house and, strangely, he actually listened to his brother. Since then, he’s only been tormenting me through messages. He wants an amicable divorce and keeps making proposals that only benefit him. I’ve been trying to stick to a routine, because I have two children and they need stability and apparently, I’m the only one willing to provide that.

Yesterday he texted me saying he wanted to see the kids, and I agreed. He showed up after they were already asleep; I swore he wasn’t going to come. He arrived here at 11 p.m. with a document, wanting to talk about how he’d like to keep the house and pay me an additional amount for my share. I just stared at him without saying anything.

I asked him to leave because the kids were sleeping. My brother in law added that it wasn’t the right time or place to discuss this and asked him to leave. I don’t know what happened to him, but this doesn’t seem like the man I married.

He yelled at my brother in law, saying he was betraying him, that he wanted to “play house” because his own marriage didn’t work out???????? Then he yelled at me, calling me a lazy whore who wasn’t going to take his money. He said this house was his, and that his 22-year-old girlfriend (Anne) told him I was going to try to keep the house he bought.

We didn’t respond I just said he should leave because he was getting messy, and then he left. I don’t know why he wants the house when he can afford to buy another one. And I don’t understand how the person I married could try to trick me just to come out ahead in the divorce.

I kept asking myself if this is the man I married he wants me gone, he wants the kids gone. He didn’t ask about the girls, about his own daughters. He didn’t see them or even ask to give them a goodnight kiss. To him and to Anne, we’re just an obstacle. Nothing more. I’m not even a person.

The internet continued to share their thoughts in response.

MuchLavishness wrote:

The 22-year-old wants the house.

OP responded:

What makes me angriest is that it took me so long to get the house to look the way it does today. And now some girl comes along, and he just assumes I’m going to give my house to them?

yourilluminaryfriend wrote:

It’s time to get a lawyer, if you haven’t already. Any communication going forward needs to go thru your attorney. Document all the crazy s**t he’s been doing, it’s good to have his own brother to back you up. Will help with custody.

OP responded:

I spoke with many lawyers this week and liked two of them.

CooCooforCocopuffs wrote:

Speak through lawyers only going forward, figure out a custody/visitation agreement and stick to it. If he’s overly late, no visit. Want to switch days and it’s not convenient to you? No switch, too bad, see you next visitation time. Grey rock (method) him as much as possible, be doesn’t deserve or need more than that.

Try not dwell on the shock of him completely behaving in a way that’s unfamiliar to you, it was ALWAYS there, always in him to be awful or petty, he just wasn’t like that with you until now.

And I promise the new girl is most likely encouraging it out of jealously. He’s shown you who he really is now, accept it, and put your energy and time in to getting what you deserve in the divorce and doing what’s best for you kids, as you have already been doing 🫂 I’m glad BIL is on your side in all this.

Midlife_Crisis_46 wrote:

So basically, you quit your job to care for HIS mom, and didn’t get another job to raise yours and HIS children, so you had to rely on HIM for income, and now this f#$ker who you gave up everything for his and his family wants to basically leave you nothing and doesn’t even give a f about his kids!?? F#k. That. I hope someone will give you the money for a good divorce lawyer. What a f#$king AH.

OP responded:

My dad is going to pay for my lawyer, my mom is also supporting me financially, and my brother in law has also offered to cover expenses if necessary.