'My husband left because I wasn’t jealous enough. In reality I just trust him and our marriage.'

"My husband left me because I wasn’t jealous enough when in reality I just trust him and our marriage."

Having a logical mind is detrimental to relationships especially if it comes from the woman. My (f40) husband (m40) told me that he was leaving me because he didn’t feel loved by me. We have been together for 10 years and married for 7. They’ve been the best years of my life because I have never felt so loved in my life and I loved him so much and still do even though he is leaving me.

I don’t think I will love again or even want to.

He is very handsome and I have been living with the fact that he attracts so much attention from women. When we are together I am practically invisible for the women even in our own circles.

At parties, with some alcohol it becomes in the open the way they want to hit on him. In the beginning I found it to be very difficult to swallow but I am a very calm person and I was aware that he would attract attention and very soon I realized it didn’t matter what kind of attention he got but how he reacted to it.

And he proved me right. He had no interest back in them. My love and trust for him got stronger and I trust him with all my heart because I truly know his heart. He’s a brilliant and confident man. He would never cheat on me not only because he respects me but because he respects himself even more.

I became even more confident and calm around people hitting on him. I never react and let him handle it. The topic of jealousy was brought up by his friend once and after som discussion I made it clear that I do not get jealous because of the simple fact that I wouldn’t have been together with a man I didn’t fully trust.

I think since that day my husband found a side of me that he didn’t like because he brought up this topic again from time to time. My answer was always the same. I thought it only solidified how much I loved and trusted him.

For him it was unflattering stoicism because I could be a very warm person otherwise. I never understood what he meant because I didn’t recognize his description in me or my personality. My mistake was to ignore it instead of trying to understand him. My mind said that I didn’t do anything wrong and therefore wasn’t reasonable for whatever he was trying to empathize.

Then we had an incident at the gym where a girl started to stretch where my husband was doing pushups and she literally had her a** 20cm from his face. I was looking the whole time in shock and when my husband looked at me, appalled, I just smiled at him and shook my head in disbelief. He moved to another spot.

After we left he was very angry with me and asked me why I didn’t do anything. What would I have done I asked and he said that I could have made it clear that he was my husband. I told him that she knew we were together, besides what she did was inappropriate no matter if he was single or married and asked him why he didn’t tell her.

But for him he was more upset about my lack of reaction than a girl disrespecting him. I asked him what, you wanted me to have a cat fight with a girl half my age in the gym about a man I know I trust? He was very angry about my “ridiculing” of the situation. I told him that I loved him with all my heart and losing him would be devastating for me but that I trusted him and that it was a good thing.

Then two weeks ago, we were at a dinner party with some mutual friends and one of the women, a friend of my husband’s sister, had a fling with my husband when they were in their late teens/early twenties.

I never liked this woman because she’s always trying to get my husband’s attention so I have ignored her every time we met. This last time she was telling some of us at the table how she dumped my husband when they were young. Something she brought up every time.

I didn’t say anything as usual but this time she pressed on speaking directly to me that if she really wanted she could’ve taken him any time. I didn’t say anything because my anger was boiling over and just shook my head. When she pressed on I calmly told her that if she could just take someone then he’s not worth having to begin with and that she would be making me a favor.

Now what I meant was that my husband wasn’t somebody’s to take or give because he is a decent man with his own will and that I trusted him to be with me because he wanted to. He didn’t take it this way. He took it as I didn’t care if he left me for another or not. In my mind, if he wanted to leave me for another, nothing would change that and people never been stopped from doing that before.

We had one of our worst fights that night and I should have just apologized and pretended to be jealous but instead I tried to explain the logic instead. It was probably the last straw for him. He said that he didn’t love me anymore. I told him that I never stopped loving him but that if hed fallen out of love with me then I couldn’t do anything about it. He shook his head in disbelief and said that’s all?

What could I do when someone doesn’t love me anymore? Force him to? Make him? Even if I wanted, I wouldn’t even know how so I said, yes that’s all. I have been crying since he told me this. My tears never dry. I never knew such pain was possible. It feels like my heart is swollen in my throat and at the same time shriveled up into a husk.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

cheeriedearie wrote:

Would he be open to couples counseling before calling it quits? It sounds like a massive miscommunication is going to explode your marriage. It’s worth a shot.

OP responded:

I am looking for a therapist myself because I am jot feeling well. Maybe divorce can be easier with a couples counselor.

AcidicAtheistPotato wrote:

Hard agree on this. I’m very much like OP. I once told my husband that I’m simply not a jealous person and if I ever displayed jealousy, that’s when he’d need to be offended, because I’d be telling him he’s not worthy of my trust.

He understood, and has never brought it up again. I understand that this is what OP means, but their husband seems to be hearing something completely different. A therapist might be able to mediate this miscommunication though if he’s willing to listen.

OP responded:

He said that he fallen out of love with me so I am not sure what counseling can do. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me.

Atara117 wrote:

Truly, why does he think it's your responsibility to shut these other people down? They're hitting on him because they expect him to leave you or cheat on you. You can say whatever you want to these other women but until he speaks up and lets them know that it's not gonna happen on his end, they just see it as a challenge.

Could you have stepped in and shown "possession" of him? Sure but what does that do, really? If a man does it when someone is hitting on his wife or gf, it might stop the other guy, but it's different for women.

Regardless, there's nothing anyone can do to stop their partner if they decide to cheat. If someone can take my bf away from me, they can have him. I'm not fighting for that. He's a grown man with a mind of his own and he should be happy you trust him. Jealous partners are a nightmare.

I've had plenty in the past that would freak out at the mere mention of a male coworker. I couldn't have a conversation with another guy without them coming over to ask what we were talking about and insinuating that there's something going on. I couldn't get a happy birthday text from an old friend without an inquisition.

It's nice to feel wanted but not that way. He's already said he fell out of love with you anyway. If that's his reason (which I can guarantee it isn't), he's a shit husband and you're better off without him.

sorakki wrote:

It's not the lack of jealousy, it's the lack of care.

I agree with you in that I trust them no matter what and don't get jealous...But you straight up just said he's not worth it.

You don't have to be jealous to care. You don't have to be jealous to think maybe my husband doesn't like being flirted with and calmly give him a hug or kiss to show that you actively want him when someone else is flirting.

You don't have to be jealous to voice out disrespectful behavior. You don't have to be jealous to not just say they can have him??? You don't have to be jealous to actively want your husband. You really come off as you flat out don't care vs just not being jealous. (For the record, I agree with you on jealousy and find all jealous inherently toxic).