'My husband passed away and his ex-gf wants me to adopt their kids.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My husband passed away and his ex-gf wants me to adopt their kids."

This is sort of a long story but I need to share because I’m feeling so overwhelmed. Everyone in my life has opinion, some very strong opinion, and I just want a place to vent and to get some unbiased opinions.

My husband passed 1 week before Thanksgiving. We were (unofficially) separated at the time. We were not living together. I still loved him, but I had chosen to distance myself due to his addiction, in hopes that he would seek treatment and get clean. He was seeking help, but it was not enough and he overdosed.

He had trouble with substances when he was younger (like college age), but he got clean and I believe he stayed clean for many years. He had a girlfriend back then who also became addicted and they had two kids. Ultimately, he got clean, had a good job, had his life in order and was doing everything he was supposed to and he was awarded custody of their 2 kids.

I actually knew him back in elementary and middle school, we lost touch when we attended different high schools. We didn’t meet again until after that first instance of recovery. He had been clean for a few years when we met. His kids were 5 and 3, and they’re 10 and 8 now.

Their mom had supervised visitation. I have no biological children of my own. He passed away and I’m devastated over it. I can’t really accept it yet. But I feel especially crushed for his children. They haven’t had an easy time over the past year or so as he’s dealt with his problems, and now they’ve suffered the ultimate loss.

I’ve remained in their lives even while we were separated and not living together. He moved back in with his parents and took his girls with him, but I still visited them often and remained involved in all aspects of their lives. I never called myself their mom but I essentially was their mom on a day to day basis.

I did all the things a mom would do. Their mom was recently caught on a burglary related charge and is locked up. This happened after he passed. I thought she was doing better. She was at his memorial and seemed more together than many times in the last. She wrote me a very heartbreaking and heartfelt letter asking me to adopt her daughters.

She basically admitted she doesn’t know if she’ll ever overcome her addiction, and that she doesn’t want the girls to go live with relatives in either side - she wants them to stay with me because it’s what they know now and she feels they’re safe. She said they asked her if they can come live with me and referred to my house (our former family home) as “home.”

I wasn’t expecting that at all. She hadn’t been particularly fond of me before. She’s been talking for YEARS about how she’s going to get clean for her girls and get custody of them again, and she actually had some good moments but it never stuck.

I haven’t responded to her at all yet. I feel like the world’s most evil person not immediately saying yes. I love those girls. I’ve lived with them as essentially their mom for several years. I’ve worried about them every single day. Yet, why do I find myself thinking “do I really want to do this?”

I also don’t even know if it’ll be possible and/or what kind of fight it’d be. I don’t think his parents will agree so easily. I got along with his parents just fine, but they’re big on family and they are absolutely destroyed by his death so I can’t imagine they’d let the girls go without a big fight.

I can’t help but wonder what kind of possibly lifelong mess I’d be getting myself into if I pursued this. Dealing with her both sides of the girls’ extended family, the trauma the girls will probably be dealing with forever because of their parents. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to handle it all and it makes me feel like a horrible human being.

The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.

Hai04 wrote:

You are not a horrible human being for pausing to think about this! You stepped up in a HUGE way when his their mom couldn’t. But tbh, I would imagine if mom is looking to give up custody or sign away her rights, his parents or kin on her side (that are clean & stable) would get priority.

Would you be willing to go to court for the kids? Be involved in a legal battle? Get an attorney? That’s the other facet about this. I’m not sure if his parents are older or may not want to. I know this may seem selfish but have you thought about how this may impact your future in terms of any partnerships, getting married again, or having bio kids?

You didn’t say your age or if you really want to have bio kids one day. Think about all of this. Your last paragraph summed it all up. (I was a foster parent that considered adoption but decided not to). Adopting children with trauma is a massive undertaking. Boundaries are everything.

Is mom suggesting this under the assumption she will have access to the kids whenever she wants? She wants her family to have access too? What do you know about her side of the family? Your situation is very unique but what I’ve seen with other “open” adoptions is that you end up raising kids that, at the end of the day, you don’t ever really feel are yours.

Lets say mom does go in front of a judge and says I want to give custody away. And neither side decides to step up to the plate. If you were to agree, pursue, and be granted adoption, I wouldn’t want you to be surprised when the same people who didn’t want the permanent responsibility of raising those kids, are commenting on every single last decision you make regarding their care.

They could even try to create a division between the kids and you. Again, I don’t know these people, I’m just giving you scenarios. I pray you find peace with whatever decision you choose to make in the end.

OP responded:

I'm 35. My husband was 36. His parents are in their 60s. They're physically fit for being in their 60s. I've definitely thought about how it could impact my future. I mean, I'm still reeling from everything that's happened. A year ago, things were fine. This has all happened in the span of less than a year. I'm in no hurry to start a relationship with somebody new.

I feel like I'm sort of at a point where I'm having to evaluate "what do I want?" I say that completely unrelated to the situation with the girls. I didn't expect to be in this position. I didn't marry him with the expectation that any of this would happen and he'd pass, leaving me a widow at 35.

Even after he relapsed, I was still trying to determine if I could ever fully be with him again if he got clean. I hadn't decided completely against staying married. I wasn't ready to divorce him. But I was also starting to think "Okay, if he gets clean and we stay married, I probably will never have kids with him because that's a risk I can't take...am I okay with that?"

lilithskitchen wrote:

The only question you need to answer now is do you love them and do you want them in your life. Can you provide for them? If the answer to all 3 is yes than it's worth the struggle. Do his parents have custody? Or did he and they just stayed there.

If they don't have custody the mother needs to get CPS involved and tell them the girls want to life with you and she wants them to live with you too. So the first step is getting custody. If you get custody the next step is the adoption process. As there is only the mother left she can give up her parental rights in the process (not before to be safe).

OP responded:

His parents have temporary custody, but they want it to be permanent. The girls' mother seemed to be doing well and she was in the process of trying to get custody of them, so that's where things were at until we were sort of all surprised to hear she got locked up. She was doing everything she was supposed to be doing to show she could be a fit parent.

We all had reservations, but she genuinely appeared to be doing well, employed, looked healthy. She hooked up with a former boyfriend and whenever the two of them are together she relapses and they end up getting locked up. I love them and want them in my life, but I think there are ways for me to be in their lives without having custody of them.

Of course, their grandparents would ultimately be the ones to control that if they ended up getting permanent custody, and they're still mad at me over separating from him. They're enablers. They don't realize it and it comes from a place with good intentions, but they're the type who think they can just love him into getting clean, so they saw me as "abandoning" him.

sweetmonola wrote:

This would be a HUGE responsibility to take on. Could you even afford the kids. Adopting (even under good circumstances) means caring for them for schooling, health problems, emotional problems. Everything. And this doesn’t sound ideal. They have grandparents who want them and would probably fight you for them. I think you should continue to see them regularly and provide support as you can.

Things could easily change—mom might clean up her act, grandparents may change their minds, you could meet someone new to start a new life with, etc. I’d wait. Don’t pursue anything. If you decided to pursue adoption go to a family lawyer first—someone who can really tell you the potential pitfalls of adoption in this scenario.

OP responded:

I worry about finances. I make okay money and can support myself, but supporting 2 kids as well on a single person income? I'm already planning to sell the house and downsize. We bought this house right before the housing market went crazy. Houses in our neighborhood sell for $200,00+ more than what we bought this house for, so I can make a profit and create a safety net with that.

A few months later, OP shared an update.

My husband died from a drug overdose in November 2024. He had drug issues when he was in his late teens/early 20s, got clean, and remained clean for many years. He had full custody of his two daughters, who are now 8 and 10.

He relapsed sometime in 2024. He and I were separated and living apart at the time of his death. I had hoped that he'd get things back on track and we could be together again. The mother of his daughters is also a addict. She never managed to get and stay clean for any significant stretches. She's been arrest multiple times.

She was at his memorial service and seemed to be in good shape, for her, but she was arrested soon after that. She's still in jail now. When she first entered jail this last time, she wrote me a letter telling me she wanted me to adopt her daughters. They'd been living with my husband's parents, but had asked me several times about when they'd be able to go "home" to what had been our family home.

I was basically their mom. I never referred to myself as their mom and they didn't call me mom, but I filled that role. They had sporadic contact with their actual mother. In the letter she wrote me, she even told me they told her they wanted to live with me. I posted about all of this 3 months ago.

Since then, I've decided to pursue custody of them. It was a huge decision and one that, while I spent a lot of time thinking about, I didn't have the luxury of taking too long. What finally tipped me over the edge was my former in laws saying they didn't believe the girls should go to therapy to help them deal with their father's passing and their virtually absent, addicted mother.

It was shocking, because what person in their right mind wouldn't think these girls should have all of the help they can get? At the same time, it wasn't surprising coming from them - they lived in denial of their son's problems too.

They were the biggest enablers I ever met as well. They're extremely focused on image and achievement, just being the best, sports, competition. I believe they have good intentions, but they doesn't change how their actions affected their son, other children, or grandchildren. I never thought I'd be teaming up with my husband's ex-gf, but here we are.

This isn't easy for her. No, she's not been a present or good mom, but I know she wishes she was. I know it's hard for her to admit she can't be their mom. Despite her problems and her track record of extreme selfishness, I can't imagine what it takes to give up custody of your children and I'm glad she's finally putting her own wants aside to do what she thinks if best for her kids.

I'm also sorry for her that despite still having parental rights over the girls, she's not being granted the authority to allow them to be adopted by somebody she designates (I understand there needs to be safety measures in place to ensure children are placed with safe people, but I'm willing to do any sort of evaluations needed to prove I can provide a safe and stable home for them.)

You'd think it'd be as simple as her terminating her parental rights and indicating that she wants me to adopt the children, and while that is part of the process, it's not actually that cut and dry. His parents, who again are obsessed with winning everything, have already tried to block this with the courts.

They're basically trying to file some sort of injunction where if her rights are severed they get first chance to adopt the girls - and they are trying to drag me through the mud in the process and frame it to look like I can't be a fit parent. I may be single, but they're in their 60s.

The girls love them but they don't want to live with them full time. Up until last summer, our home where they lived with me and their dad had been their home for almost as long as they could remember.

I'm not wealthy. I support myself just fine but I don't have reserves to fight this if they really want to take it that far. And the annoying thing is, I still get the sense that ultimately they're doing this just because they want to win, and they also have an obsession with family and their family name.

I never expressed any intention of trying to sever the relationship between them and the girls. Even if I don't necessarily like or agree with certain things about them, I told them outright that I felt we all could and should be part of the girls' lives.

The girls do love their grandparents and their aunts (my husband's sisters...neither of which has shown any interest in gaining custody of the girls). I think they need as many people who love and care about them in their lives, and that even includes their mother's family who I'd also grin and bear for their sake.

I'm just so frustrated, and this isn't something that most people can easily relate to. I thankfully have many people who support me, even if they think I'm crazy for doing this at the same time. It's just that I suppose there's very little advice anyone can give me from experience.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Centrist808 wrote:

Wow. With all the selfish stupid things that are happening right now here comes the wife of an addict taking on his kids. YOU are a superstar. Thank you for loving them and please let us know how this plays out.

OP responded:

Thanks, but I'd prefer not to be referred to as 'the wife of an addict." I mean, he was an addict, but he was a lot more than that to me and to his kids. And the way I see it now is that I took on the responsibility of his kids a long time ago, long before I knew it'd end up this way. I knew the situation going in, regarding their mom that is.

At the time, he was clean and he had dull custody of the kids. We were a family, so why would I suddenly not continue that role in their lives now? So I don't see myself as anything special, just doing what makes sense to do. I also feel like he'd want them to be with me too, and in a way I guess I feel I'm doing this for him, like it's one thing I can do for him.

I couldn't fix his addiction or fix a lot of his problems, but I can at least do my best to keep his kids in their own home, in their own bedrooms, and raise them the way he'd want them to be raised.

Infinite_awkward wrote:

If you are in the US, request a Guardian Ad Litem for your case. These can be lawyers or CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) who do a deep dive, will speak with the children and their mother, and make a recommendation to the court on behalf of the child/ren. Good luck to you. You are an amazing person and exactly the mom these girls need.

OP responded:

Definitely looking into this!

[deleted] wrote:

I don’t think grandparents in their 60s are too old to take care of their grandkids and OP is trying to prevent that. So I would be hesitant to take everything op said as whole picture.

The grandparents apparently didn’t think therapy was needed because they have tendency of denial and helping their son too much but it’s hardly to worst crime. I think it’s likely they get the custody not op (and the bio mom’s parental rights would be terminated too). Court would not care that they like think being good at sports is important.

OP responded:

Presently, they're healthy and able to care for 2 young kids. But they're in the mid-late 60s. In 10 years, when the youngest graduates high school, they'll be pushing 80. I don't think their age prohibits them from being able to raise the girls, but obviously increasing age means increasing chances of illness, d#$th, or other medical problems.

There are many grandparents their age out there raising kids and I don't mean to disparage of of them. But I also think about things from the girls' perspective. Can't they have some normalcy? Their dad is deceased, their mom is an addict whose currently locked up. Can't they have a "parent" who is around the same age as all of their friends' parents?

Who has a much lower chance of getting sick or passing within the next 10-15 years? Their grandparents can still be their grandparents. Not to mention they see my home as their home. This is the home where we all lived in together as a family. Their bedrooms are here, their backyard, their dog.

Their dad passed and almost every other aspect of their lives has also changed or been taken away. (He did take them with him when he moved in with his parents last summer. I tried to get him to leave them here with me, but he said they were his kids and he was taking them with him. He moved in with his parents because he had relapsed and eventually I said I couldn't live with him anymore.

I didn't want the girls to be living with him either, but I had no legal say over that. They still spent time at "home" with me though, and most of their stuff remained here at home.)