'My husband prefers to be with his parents rather than with me and our baby.' UPDATED 3X
"My husband prefers to be with his parents rather than with me and our baby."
I come here to vent, I have seen so many stories that I thought many were made up but I can't stand this pain anymore. In order not to be so obvious, I will not use names other than Erick for my husband's name.
I am a 27-year-old woman and my husband, who we will call Erick, is 25. We met at university and although not everything was so nice in our relationship, we were able to move forward, we got married and recently had a baby.
My husband has the habit of living with his parents. Being an only child, he wants to be with them all the time. Okay, I understand, but since we moved in with them, life has become hell for me, starting with them not knowing the meaning of privacy and coming into our room whenever they want.
On many occasions I have had to change my clothes, even putting them on backwards. I have communicated this discomfort to him but he simply does nothing. On one occasion, his father even came in when he was practically without clothes.
I had to quickly cover myself and he left the room anyway, it's annoying but he's used to having his life invaded like this, the dogs they have at home are very dirty and the doctor already prohibited us from having animals near our baby but far from my husband understood why he got angrier and preferred to ignore the doctor.
It is worth mentioning that my baby has sensitive skin and is allergic to dog hair, in addition to doing his business inside the house, especially in the kitchen since they make him sleep there due to the cold.
Last Sunday our baby ran out of milk because I don't have enough so she has mixed breastfeeding, that morning I didn't get up in a good mood....and after seeing that she didn't have milk I became desperate because of her crying since days ago I had told her that there wasn't much left in the bottle, she got upset and just decided to ignore me.
I want to mention that I don't work because I couldn't finish my degree and I was planning to do it next year since I only have one more year left. I sat on the bed crying helplessly as I couldn't buy the jar of milk for him myself and had to wait for him to give me the money or at least buy it himself.
The problem arises when my mother-in-law enters the room as always without knocking and repeats to me that breakfast was served for a while. I had no head to eat. First it was my baby's crying...and I want to mention that when I get depressed my body doesn't eat anything, I feel bad and on many occasions I even vomit. Going back to the story, I told her that I wouldn't eat it that I would go get the milk.
I told her in a low voice because I had already cried and was depressed about what was happening, she left and then came back in and started yelling at me telling me that I am inconsiderate, that I always behave like this and that she is not there to put up with my whims, that I should go and don't stop me....
Erick, upon seeing his mother's reaction, simply threw the suitcase at me and told me to pack your things, believe me, I froze...but he insisted and told me that it was all my fault that I can't even give enough breast milk to my baby, that was the last time I insulted his family and that I should hurry up and pack everything so that he would stop bothering his parents, they don't know the pain of his words.
I simply packed everything I could and put it in the car that he lent me from his parents and we went down to my apartment, I stayed crying while he left.
On the way back to his house to return his father's car, that afternoon I cried until I was tired, when he arrived he didn't speak to me and just slept in the living room. I insisted on talking but he just told me that he was sick of me and that he just wanted me to come back to my parents' house, they live in another state.
I started to cry and asked him to talk, it's been 3 days and today I tried again, but it was worse, he told me that he didn't love me, that he didn't consider me his family and that his grandmother had complained that he was kicking her out of the house.
I told him that the grandmother thing was a lie that even he was there... but he acted crazy and just said, I can't take your side because they are my family, that hurt me even more since I felt it. betrayed.... but on top of that he also told me that his parents will withdraw their support if he continues with me.
I want to clarify that he still has his thesis to finish and his parents are paying his graduation expenses. I just cried and he just looked at me and said: |go with your parents and take the baby, I'm looking for a woman who wants to live in my parents' and grandparents' house."
"I want to live with my parents and work there with them, you're not wife material, go with yours and make your life so I can make mine, I'll send you money for the baby's expenses and that's it." I couldn't believe it, I was a crumb for 4 days begging him even though the mistake was his parents' and I was still to blame for it.
I'm devastated...already bought my plane ticket for me and my baby, I don't know what to do or how to tell my parents that they voted for me. Today he packed his things and went to his parents' house despite everything I told him and begged him...he didn't care. I feel stupid for waiting for him to walk through that door and hug me.
The commenters had a lot to say.
Sharp_Forever3720 wrote:
You’re not stupid. you’re a mom doing her best while your husband chose comfort and his parents over you and your baby. That’s not love, that’s abandonment. Go where you’re respected and supported. You and your child deserve peace, not pain. You’ve got this.
OP responded:
It hurts me that he didn't take my side and even more that he left. I don't know where that sweet man was who promised to always be by my side.
[deleted] wrote:
NTA. He chose his parents over you and your baby, then blamed you for his family's disrespect. you deserve so much better.
OP responded:
Lose...but it still hurts me because I really love him, I left my family on the other side of the country so he wouldn't leave his, even when I had the baby and I bled during childbirth, he just said... okay, now get over it
265Phoenix wrote:
NTA. Divorce this manchild so he can stay with mommy and daddy full time. The child support you'll get from him will be more help for you than what you're getting right now.
A day later, OP shared an update.
Hello friends, thank you for your advice, today he came in his parents' car and took us to our baby's physical therapy session, but he took advantage of the fact that he was not at home to pick up all his things from the apartment. I'm not going to deny that not seeing her clothes or her things hurt me, I cried until I got married on a call with my sister.
When he came to drop us off after physical therapy I wanted to talk to him, I wanted him to come to his senses and see that I just wanted to keep our family together but he just left me there crying standing at the door waiting for him to turn around and regret this decision.
I know that I lost my pride for begging him to stay but I really love him and he just left me there, I sent him messages and the only thing he told me is that he has already made his decision and he will not go back.
You don't know how much pain I felt...but as my sister told me this pain will pass and he will have to come back, but when he wants to come back I don't know if I will be with him...at the moment I am devastated and I spoke to my mother to have moral support, I feel that alone I fall more into anxiety.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Aware-Substance7619 wrote:
Hun, I just read your first post. Holy shit. I’m so sorry. You not having enough milk is not your fault. Your husband and his family should have considered the fact that stress can lead to a smaller supply. This “man” is still acting like a child. Being with mommy and daddy. He’s a grown man with a family and a child. His running away like a little shit head is unacceptable.
When you get married and become a parent your partner and child come before everything. He probably doesn’t see it and may never see it, but he is making the biggest mistake of his life.
I know that you want that family unit, but sometimes it’s better for them to walk away. You haven’t done anything wrong. You expressed your feelings and wanting to stay together and he is walking away from it. Your baby doesn’t want or deserve to see his dad treat his mom poorly.
Make sure you keep reaching out to your sister and mom for support. Maybe get into some therapy to help with the stress of motherhood and the husband situation. It will all work out. You don’t deserve a husband treats you and lets his mother treat you badly. Spend time with your family and baby. You deserve the absolute best. Hope you are enjoying those baby cuddles.
OP responded:
I would like to be strong for my baby...although sometimes all this got to me, I can't be the woman he wants me to be, I promised myself never to let anyone walk on me but by loving him so much I lost my self-esteem, I wonder if one day he will regret all this.
Trailsya wrote:
Sorry this is happening to you.
Focus on the baby, but also don't do everything to please him.
It's his baby too so he has to do half the caring for the baby.
SomewhereTall4797 wrote:
Your sister is right the pain will come back, but honestly I doubt he will “have” to come back. And you shouldn’t let him if he tries years down the line. Let him see his kid, sure, but don’t remarry or restart the relationship, it WILL end the same way. Not worth it.
Ten days later, OP shared an update.
Hello everyone, I missed a while but I was very depressed, last week I took a flight to get to my parents' house, he signed the travel authorization and here I am at my parents' house.
I was able to talk more in depth about this topic with my mother and she advised me to let things go and that one day he will regret it and come back but a week has passed, he has not returned and he barely talks to me to find out how our baby is doing. I am desperate, it is painful for me to see that from one day to the next my marriage, my family was destroyed by my in-laws.
I was left devastated, I know that I must move forward but it is difficult, it still hurts me to know that my partner, the one I chose for life, has betrayed me in that way. Even so, I decided to go ahead and look for a job and ask my father to help me finish my studies. I don't want to remain stuck in depression, thanks to everyone who advised me.
The comments kept coming.
[deleted] wrote:
You’re really strong for choosing to move forward despite the pain—keep focusing on yourself and your baby.
JuliaM24k wrote:
Sis, you need therapy. The level of betrayal is devastating. You need help to sort out your feelings and move on to the next phrase of your life without the drama. Good luck. DO NOT RUN BACK TO THAT “man” nothing will change.
HolySheetCakes wrote:
I know your in-laws didn’t help but he obviously chose to abandon his wife & baby to remain a spoiled man-child. I know you’re hurt but you & baby are worth so much more than this!
I don’t know where you are but I’d see a lawyer & discuss how to protect yourself & your baby so he can’t come back & take either of you. If you return to that house they will continual treat you horribly. I wish you well in your studies & a good life for you both! NTA.
mcmurrl wrote:
He destroyed the marriage not your in laws. He isn't mature or grown up and as time goes by you will be happier without him.
Two weeks later, OP shared another update.
Hello everyone, thank you for such nice messages, these days I was very depressed, I decided to make zero contact with him and I have not heard from him for more than two weeks, my older brother is very upset....my parents told me not to ask for a pension since I have their support, he just continued with his life as a friend told me.
It still hurts me and about the postpartum depression I think it did because it was not easy for me not being able to breastfeed my baby well and the constant pressure from my in-laws, or well ex-in-laws, I plan to open a cafeteria with a very good friend, my baby is improving thanks to physical therapy but now I have to return to the city where I lived with him to pick up my things and move near my parents.
I know that this will happen at some point, I don't know if he will repent one day but I don't want to fall again and forgive him, I won't deny that I felt tempted to call him and ask him to reconsider that we still have time but there is no point in turning back...
I want to heal my soul and focus on my baby and moving forward, I am afraid of the things he will say because his family, although they are fanatical Christians, are hypocrites. I already found out that his mother wants to pair him with her best friend's daughter and that felt like a betrayal, I will be telling you as time passes about my decision and what happens. It's not easy but I don't want to cry for him anymore.
My mom told me to make myself prettier and more alive for me and my baby so he realizes that he made the worst decision of his life although I don't know if one day he will regret it. Thank you all for listening to me.
The commenters did not hold back one bit.
lurking_mz wrote:
Go for the pension. Offer to have him terminate his rights for a settlement. You do not want him to have mommy suddenly decide that once he gets with someone whom she deems acceptable, that the perfect thing would be to take custody of your child away from you so they can be a happy family.
Also, have others go get your things when you're ready. Do not go alone and if possible, let them handle it. You do not need the stress. Start speaking with a counselor/therapist to help you process what you're going through. You may not think so, but you've got this. I completely understand the breastfeeding emotions as I never actually developed milknst all with my son. I promise it gets better.
OP responded:
Thank you very much for the advice...I feel bad and the worst mother in the world for not being able to give milk to my baby, his words echo in my head on that topic and it hurts me
[deleted] wrote:
Why would you not get a pension from your ex husband? You and your baby are entitled to that money.
OP responded:
He always belittles me because I demanded that I work to have a better future and the truth is I don't want his family to invent that even though they are separated they keep me.
MommaKim661 wrote:
The best revenge is being happy and thriving. Show him what he's going to miss out on. You can do this OP!!!! Show him you don't need him, that he's insignificant in your life. Go out there and start your business, I hope it does well. And just be the best mother you can. Make him regret his actions. We're all behind you. Go show him what you've got!!!!