'My husband refuses to put in the work suggested by our therapist. Where do we go from here?'
"My (36F) husband (38M) refuses to put in the work suggested by our therapist. Where do we go from here?"
My (36F) husband (38M) and I have been going to couple's therapy for almost four months. We have a very strained relationship, and I would prefer to separate, but he is completely against divorce. Several years ago, I put the responsibility on him to find a therapist for us if he wanted to salvage our relationship.
Well, it took him several years, but last December he found us a therapist and we have been going weekly/bi-weekly for about 4 months. My husband really seems to respect the therapist he chose, (male, former law enforcement) presumably because they have a lot in common. I think he is great as well!
He gives a lot of very unbiased and constructive feedback to both of us. He's helped us communicate our feelings and I truly enjoy the sessions. My frustration, however, is that as soon as we walk out of the session, my husband goes back to his old ways.
He doesn't put forth the effort to communicate respectfully with me, he gets extremely defensive when I talk about my feelings or frustrations, and overall, he just avoids talking to me. At our most recent session, our therapist gave us "homework" of setting aside time for one another each night after we put our kids to bed. However, this week, we only did that 1/7 nights.
That means the other six days, we didn't really talk to each other at all. We have a lot of scheduling conflicts because my husband in a LEO and works rotating shifts, so some weeks he is working all night and sleeping during the day. But on this days off, he chooses to do other projects around the house in the evening hours, like a current renovation project.
One day this week, he just walked away from me and went to the basement to watch a movie by himself because he said I wasn't treating him nicely. Our therapist has encouraged me to avoid setting expectations in the marriage because that leads to disappointment and further resentment.
So this is something I've been working especially hard on. When he lets me down or doesn't respond or react in a way I would expect, I try to not let it bother me. I have sort of grown to just expect nothing from him.
But the problem is, I feel like I'm becoming more numb than ever. I've been unhappy in my marriage for a long time, but trying to ignore the minimal effort my husband is putting into our marriage feels like the end of the rope. Is this something that will come with time? Has anyone experienced anything similar when starting couples therapy, and how did you overcome it?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Taminella_grinderfal wrote:
This man barely likes you. He doesn’t want a divorce because then he will probably actually have to work at things like “caring for kids” “managing a house” and “finding a new woman that will tolerate his crap”. Where do you go? To a divorce lawyer.
anaramchairexpert wrote:
You would prefer to separate, and you told him that if he wanted to save the relationship he had to find a therapist. And then you waited several years??? You seem to feel like you need his agreement to divorce but I don’t understand why. How many more years of unhappiness will you choose?
hopeful-artichoke449 wrote:
He chose a cop who would take his side because "all cops are brothers" 🙄 And then won't even do the bare minimum. YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION TO DIVORCE HIM! Of course therapist told you "not to set expectations" and is supporting you being held hostage....you are being manipulated from all sides, and this therapist sucks.
Imaginary_542 wrote:
I find it strange that your therapist encouraged you to not set expectations of your husband.. don’t we have certain expectations of all our relationships be it friends / family? I don’t have any advice, but I wanted to validate you that this seems like a very challenging marriage and situation.
It seems like he is avoidant, shuts down, and it doesn’t make you feel like a priority. That doesn’t feel good and you don’t deserve to feel that way. I hope he quickly realizes this and changes or you realize that you’re done waiting. You’re still young and too young to feel trapped in a marriage where you don’t feel valued. Much love.
Anxious_reporter_601 wrote:
He respects the therapist, he doesn't respect you. That won't come with time. You need to contact your local women's shelter and plan how you and the kids can get out of there safely. Because if he's a cop who doesn't believe in divorce? There's a staggeringly high chance he will kill you if you let him know you want to leave him.
Hitthereset wrote:
"If you are unwilling to follow the instructions given us by the counselor that *you* chose then you are telling me that you are not interested or invested in this marriage. I am not willing to stay married to someone who isn't willing to act like they want to be married to me. If you continue this behavior you are choosing divorce whether it's you or I that do the actual filing."
turquoisecat45 wrote:
I grew up in a law enforcement family and I can say it was a VERY bad idea to choose a therapist who had the same career as him. In my experience, law enforcement tends to side with law enforcement because they understand things that others don’t.
But a therapist needs to be neutral and sounds like this therapist has a bit of a bias towards your husband. If you can, try to find another therapist who can be neutral with your situation and you can start over with them.
Stepbk wrote:
It sounds like you're already checked out and that's okay. He took years to find a therapist and now won't even do the homework. The writing is kinda on the wall here. Expecting nothing from your partner isn't a marriage that's just coexisting.