'My husband thinks it’s funny to gaslight me. I took off my wedding rings and told him I'm done. AITA?'
"My husband thinks it’s funny to gaslight me, so I took off my wedding rings and told him I was done. AITA?"
My husband (36M) thinks it’s funny to gaslight me (35F). He says he’s just being silly. I don’t find it funny and it upsets me when he continues to push his false narratives. Especially because he’s a bad liar and you can see it in his face when he’s doing his gaslighting bit. I’ve told him many times that I don’t appreciate his way of joking with me but it’s like he doesn’t listen.
Today while shopping he asked me for my opinion on a pair of shoes he found and was trying on. Before I could answer, he was already saying things like “no, right? These don’t look that great, huh? They just aren’t what I usually wear” to which I responded “well, it seems you don’t like them, you don’t really need my opinion. They do look trippy, though.”
I said that because the pattern of the shoes faded from black to white with black speckled underneath the white fabric of the shoes. I don’t know how else to describe them other than they reminded me of an optical illusion. He decided he didn’t like them and returned them to the shelf.
It was my turn to try on a pair and he came around the corner and gave a disgusted face. And I asked, “you don’t like these?” To which he responded “they look trippy.” The color pattern and the color palette of the shoes was very similar to another pair I had tried on in a different brand - which he was fully supportive of. So I felt he only said this as his way of being silly again.
I then asked “what do you mean trippy? Are you saying that because of the comment I made on the shoes you just tried on?” To which he replied “no. I didn’t even like them” and I asked “then why did you ask my opinion?” to which he replied “what opinion?” and gave me a confused look. This is what I mean by gaslighting.
This one example may seem silly, but yesterday, while I was in the bathroom he made a ruckus and yelled out a profanity. I thought he was hurt and called out to him. When he came over I asked him what had happened and he told me nothing happened, he was folding laundry and didn’t know what I was talking about.
And when I explained what I had heard he told him he didn’t hear anything and he wasn’t doing anything. He eventually caved and grinned when I wouldn’t let it go. It’s become second nature for him and I’m so tired of constantly having to explain myself and pull the truth from him when he tries to act silly.
So, I put away the shoes, and asked him for the keys to the car so I can wait for him in the car while he continued shopping. I was already annoyed and frustrated and wanted to just go back to the car to cool off. He refused to hand them over and said he was going to the restroom and proceeded to walk away.
At this point I figured after he went to the restroom we would be leaving the store, so I waited for him at the front of the store. Not at the door, but within view of the front entrance. I don’t know at what point he slipped out because he called me within 10 minutes of waiting.
I answered the phone and told him I was waiting at the front for him and he then proceeded to let me know he was already in the car waiting for me. This hurt my feelings. Because while I was letting him know where I would be waiting on him if he gave me the keys, and he didn’t grant me that, he left me behind in the store waiting for him.
So I walked alone through the parking lot to get back to the car feeling humiliated. I began crying on the way home from being frustrated with his behavior. I started my day with his “silly” gaslighting antics and they hadn’t resolved by the afternoon. When we got home, he proceeded to tell me he was sorry for whatever he said or did that upset me.
I took off my wedding rings and dropped them in the cup holder and told him I was done. I got out of the car and walked into the house. I feel that if he isn’t even aware of what he did to upset me, even after I’ve spent all this time in our marriage telling me I don’t appreciate him tampering with my recollection of events or reality, then I shouldn’t even bother with the marriage anymore.
We’ve only been married 3 years. I know I shouldn’t make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions, but I don’t know how much longer I can continue letting him gaslight me because he thinks it’s funny. AITA for taking off my wedding rings? Did I overreact?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Your husband is amused by your distress. That's the opposite of love. NTA. I think you're extremely wise to end this now.
Aggravating_Style544 wrote:
NTA. Girl. What is is doing is pretty much textbook psychological ab-se. Is this what you want the rest of your life to feel like?
Fasterthannewts wrote:
He upsets you on purpose and it’s a form of ab-se. He’s playing a childish game and it’s time to remove yourself from it. Get a good lawyer and good luck. NTA.
Piper6728 wrote:
NTA. This was clearly a constantly ab-sive relationship where he had no maturity or respect for you. Good for you for ending it, if you're not ending it then you're not respecting yourself either.
Terrible-Roll-2880 wrote:
You're almost there. You took off your ring, and you said you're done. Now, for the sanctity of your mental health and wellbeing, follow through and divorce the prick. This is not how you treat your partner. This is a form of mental abuse, and it's not okay.
AccomplishedEdge982 wrote:
He upsets you over and over, tells you you didn't hear what you heard, makes your life more difficult on the regular, and doesn't seem to care at all about how you feel.
You are NTAH.
nonchalantenigma wrote:
If my husband did this to me, we wouldn’t have dated even a week…NTA but do seriously think about divorce.
Green_Pants701 wrote:
NTA. He doesn't seem to like or respect you, what is there to stay for?
Global-Fact7752 wrote:
NTAH...People who think it's " fun " to make others uncomfortable are mentally unstable and have aggression disorders. I would seriously rethink this relationship. I frankly don't know how you tolerate such an arrogant AH.