'My husband told me to come online about our argument about housework. Do all men feel like him?' UPDATED
Sometimes, you need an outside perspective to set things straight. The internet is always good for that.
"My (22F) Husband (29M) keeps telling me to come to Reddit about our arguments. so here I am. Do all men feel how my husband feel?"
I (22f) have been with my partner (29m) for coming up on 3 years, and our daughter is 4 months old. He makes sure to let me know how lazy I am, even though I’m the only one to care for our daughter or clean our house. He works a lot and when he comes home, he spends a couple hours on the game and he might hold our daughter for a couple minutes.
He says that since I’m staying home caring for our infant alone I should have dinner made, the dogs and pig should be fed, watered (obviously), and walked. Trash should be burned. Dishes should be clean. Floor swept and mopped. His other kids rooms clean. Every surface wiped down. He also says that there ARE gender roles and this is what a woman should do to keep her man happy.
According to him I don’t deserve to be loved on until I’ve finished the chores and put the baby to sleep by myself and made sure that he feels loved and cared for. Our daughter won’t take a bottle and he won’t help me with bottles so I can’t go back to work but I’m also not helping financially. He doesn’t stay up with our daughter. If I don’t initiate s*x we don’t have s*x.
He straight up said he’s won’t touch me in ways that please me because he’s “not in high school.” I feel crazy. He’s obsessed with the concept of disrespect. Everything I do is disrespectful - if the dishes aren’t clean, if the floors not mopped, if I leave little trinkets around the house.
If I started projects that I didn’t get to finish and forgot about when the baby woke up, or if the baby has been a little fussy and I’m feeding her when he gets home I’m a fat lazy waste of space and why didn’t I get anything done today. I don’t text him throughout the day telling him sweet little nothings, so I must not love him.
I can’t choose between being a mom and a partner even though sometimes I have to because my daughter ISNT CAPABLE OF CARING FOR HERSELF. It’s like he’s mad that I can’t be his mother for him, right? So Reddit. What do y’all think? Please be honest because he will absolutely be seeing every word.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
2workigo wrote:
He doesn’t consider you a partner, he considers you an indentured servant.
OP responded:
I say this all the time and he acts like it’s crazy to say.
localdisastergay wrote:
When there is one partner staying at home and one partner working, household responsibilities should be split so that you have approximately equal free time. He’s got plenty of time for gaming and sleeping and berating you but I bet you haven’t had even an hour to genuinely relax since the baby was born, if not before.
OP responded:
I worked through my whole pregnancy. I worked a full eight hour shift three hours before I went into labor— I thought it was Braxton-hicks so I muscled through it and the one time I cried he rolled over and asked me to shut up.
janabanana67 wrote:
Abstinence is the best form of bc in this situation. Dear heavens, why are you with a man that doesn't seem to like you, let alone love you. He will raise this daughter to think she deserves to be treated like dirt.
OP responded:
One fear right here and the biggest red flag is that when I express this to him he “doesn’t want his daughter to treat men like I do. "I have an avoidant personality and a lot of childhood trauma, sometimes I don’t communicate well, and I also am suffering in my postpartum.
I haven’t seen a doctor yet so I don’t really know what’s going on with me (if anything even is) but I’m taking my psychiatric meds so I really don’t know if I’m the problem or not.
Minute_Aioli-5054 wrote:
I’ve read this and I want to divorce your husband for you.
Boring-Cycle2911 wrote:
My more ex treated me like this. I’m embarrassed to describe how I bent over backwards and made a schedule to prove I was a good mom. I stayed far longer than I should have but a doing good now. You don’t deserve this treatment.
OP responded:
You are worthy and I’m glad you’re out.
sugarfoot00 wrote:
I'm assuming you're going to show this thread to your husband, so I'll just speak directly to him. Dude, you're a grade-a c*nt that doesn't deserve this woman. I'm not expecting you to suddenly start respecting her as a human, because that'd require you respecting yourself first.
Real men are partners with their spouse. Real men spend time with their kids and their share of the parenting. Real men make their wives feel cared for and loved. You're just a boy. It's probably why you chased down a naive 19 year old when you were 26- any woman your own age would have seen right through your bulls**t. But guess what? Now this one does as well.
ANBY_Black_Ops wrote:
I'm a 40 year old man and I can tell you based on what I read your husband is a misogynist and he doesn't see you as a spouse and valued partner, you are just a bang maid to him. You are there to cook, clean, take care of his kids, have s*x with him at his every whim, and be grateful for the life he provides you.
Even if everything about his demands for housework were normal, and to be crystal clear they are 1000% not normal, the fact that he refuses to touch you in ways that are s*xually pleasing for you but still expects you to initiate shows how little respect he has for you. He doesn't view s*x with you as something that is supposed to be mutually enjoyed, you are a fleshlight for him.
You are there to provide him pleasure and that's it. As someone much older than you believe me when I say his ego and his issues are unfixable because he doesn't have the capacity to care about anybody but himself. You and his children are just an extension of himself and to show the world how great of a man he is.
And the way that I know it's unfixable is because a normal person with the capacity to care about others when seeing the responses to this post would take a moment to reflect and consider what they are doing wrong. What your husband is going to do is become moody, angry and blame you for the comments and gaslight you into believing his behavior is somehow your fault. No, it's unfixable.
There is a reason why you are the third baby momma. It's because the other women wised up and got the f#$k out and away from this loser. Follow their example and do the same. The only thing you will get from staying in this relationship is unhappiness and wasted years of your life.
A week later, OP shared an update.
There were some things I didn’t like—like being infantilized but everyone is entitled to an opinion and that’s okay. I tried to show him the post and he didn’t really want to look at it, and he said my question should have been “should I get mad when he asks me to clean up after myself” and that I just spent the whole post probably victimizing myself and yadda yadda.
The only problem with what he’s saying is that I DO clean up after myself, just not on his time table—like if I make dinner, I’m not cleaning the kitchen till the next morning. And I’m NOT sweeping and mopping more than once in the morning and as needed because the puppy isn’t all the way house trained yet and that’s a PROBLEM for him because of his OCD.
I can only be so understanding when his taking a toll on my self esteem and sanity.
I’ve been telling him for the last few days I want to leave him but he just rationalizes and diffuses the situation enough to go right back to wtf he was doing before.
He straight up asked me what was wrong when he volunteered me to take two kids an infant, and a puppy to the park AFTER we ate when it was almost dark, and when I told him it’s a lot he just swept it under the rug and basically told me get over it I should be lucky to spend time with his kids.
He doesn’t care about how overstimulated I get sometimes.
I spent Easter alone today and all I did really was sleep—AND IT FELT NICE. I’ve been so exhausted with EVERYTHING. But yeah he didn’t wanna read the post.
The internet stuck to their opinions.
jasperjonns wrote:
He definitely wanted to read the other post...he was the one suggesting you post here! Somehow he changed his mind when he realized that all of the replies were in your favor. My reply in the other posts was: Your husband is horrible. I stand by that. I feel terribly for you, you're treated like a sl*ve and he does not care for you at all.
Even if he did read every reply in the original post he would just dismiss any that differed from his world view (uh that would be all of them), because he is so convinced of his superiority and self-righteousness.
NedStarkRavingMad wrote:
OP your update essentially states that your controlling, overbearing dad husband remains controlling and overbearing even after you tried to talk to him again. I don't know how he can be any clearer about not caring about you or your feelings, but only caring about what you can do for him. Please leave for your own good.
OP responded:
Working on it 😭
Justrennt wrote:
He wont take you serious because you need to take actions and not just tell him you want to leave him. But for that you need a lawyer and a plan you can stick with it. You got great answers in your last post, but now you need to make things happen. I dont think, he will change for the better and I think leaving him is the best option for you and your child.
Turbulent_Tomato wrote:
Girl, if this is not clear that he's in the wrong then I don't know how else we can show this to you. Someone who seriously cared about you would read that post and try to understand the problem with his actions that everyone brought up. He doesn't care about you, he just cares about being right.
Please let the next update be that you've decided to leave this horrible excuse for a man, otherwise good luck to your kids growing up in that environment.
OP responded:
Working on it.
Dear_Parsnip_6802 wrote:
He's not going to change...ever.
You need to get out of this situation. Do you have family you can stay with?
OP responded:
No.
MechaMorgs wrote:
You did what he asked, and now he won’t even read the post/ responses he demanded, and he’s still acting like a man-child. If this didn’t help with any kind of self reflection, nothing will. Please get out now - you and your daughter are so young, don’t waste more time with him! Whatever you do though, stay safe.
Hopefully, OP gets out ASAP, because she's living in a house made of red flags.