'My husband took his ex's side, kissed her and went to a bar with her to spite me.' UPDATED 3X

"My (28f) husband (26m) took his ex's(26f) side, kissed her and went to a bar with her to spite me."

This happened maybe last week, and I am still a little shaken up by it. I really need advice. On what to do/how to fix this/what is right or wrong....

So my husband's good friend was living with us over the summer.

Since it will conceivably be the last summer he's going to be here, he often had friends and whatnot over to visit. Well, the night before he left, friend invited over a ton of his friends and his sister... who also happens to be my husbands long-term ex girlfriend. They were pretty serious, dated from when they were 15 to 19.

She immediately starts acting like nothing has changed between them- like she's still his girlfriend. Behaving cutely, asking him to do things for her, etc. At one point, she's eating chicken wings (we ordered a ton of food, and despite this awkward mess, I hung around) and chokes a little on the spiciness. My husband offers her a paper towel, and she thanks "her Sky-Bear."

This is when I ungraciously flip out. I tell her not to call him that and she needs to leave, right now. My husband immediately bridles and stands up for her. "No she doesn't. She's not going anywhere." I'm a little stunned. I have no idea what to say, but I back down, not wanting to push him.

"Okay, she doesn't have to leave, but I'm going. And it's weird that the person in this situation who's the wife has to leave."

"Fine." He retorts and tells me he and his ex, and his friend are all going to the bar. And no, I'm not invited.

I leave and go to bed, but before they go, I go down to use the bathroom and see him and his ex kissing. Mortified, I run back to bed. He joins me about three hours later, well past midnight. I ask him why he's acting the way he has been, and he admitted he just didn't like me reacting so strongly against his ex, and my tone irked him.

We fell asleep, and I have no idea what to say or do. Apparently my irrational b#$chiness drove my husband to kiss his ex and go out with her to a bar for a few hours without me. Now what the f do I do?

TL;DR: I acted like a b#$ch to husband's ex, he reacted strongly to my negative behavior, kissed his ex and left to go to a bar to spite me (his exact words). Now what the f do I do?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Flubberguard wrote:

Schedule a consultation with a divorce attorney. And I don't mean that to be cheeky or funny, either. That kind of cold, intentional disrespect and cruelty is just mind-boggling

ANAL_GLAUCOMA wrote:

He wasn't even apologetic about it! He blamed OP's "tone" for his despicable behavior.

booo-you-whore wrote:

Apparently my irrational b#$hiness drove my husband to kiss his ex and go out with her to a bar for a few hours without me. No. Your husband being a shit person drove him to kiss his ex.

You did absolutely nothing wrong! You're his priority, she isn't. His reaction to your being uncomfortable with how she acts around him is bizarre. He was more concerned about his ex than his own wife. Let that sink in for a moment.

If I were in your place, I would leave. Why? Because the moment he sided with her + kissed her meant he lost respect for you and your marriage. Who's to say this won't happen again? People don't just go around kissing their exes because their wife got mad at them.

BurleyQGirl wrote:

Most men don't respond to their wife being rude to another woman by almost instantly making out with the other woman. I'd be pretty surprised if this was the first instance of inappropriate behavior between the two of them.

Before we got to the kissing I was going "oh well maybe she didn't realize she was being overly flirty and inappropriate, you're right, you could have set some boundaries in a more low-key way…" but hell, clearly she DID realize exactly how girlfriend-y she was being and clearly your husband was on board with it.

And he supposedly did it "to spite you"? I hope he doesn't feel like that mitigates his behavior at all. There's not a "it's not cheating if you're doing it to piss off your spouse lol" rule.

[deleted] wrote:

I think you mean your EX kissed his ex. This guy is garbage. Divorce and go be happy and appreciated properly elsewhere.

Not long after posting, OP shared two small updates.

EDIT: Based on all of your reactions, it gave me the courage to confront my husband. I really don't know what to say. He was completely confused. He told me such an event never happened. He hasn't talked to his ex in years, much less kissed her, and he would never think inviting her over without consulting me would be okay.

I texted his friend, and he didn't remember ever doing something like this, either (inviting over a ton of people and sister). I even texted a person invited over- he kind of laughed and said he hadn't been over to our house in months. I texted him the same time I was texting husbands friend, so there was no way for them to collude. I am so scared.

EDIT 2: My husband came home. He was scared when he say the mess I made he thinks this is serious. He gave me a NyQuil, and I am getting ready for bed I am going to bed there's nothing more to say tonight goodnight. Thank you goodbye. I am going to give him my phone.

The comments kept coming.

popcorned wrote:

Wait, what? What's up with that edit..either you just dreamt all this OP or they are gas-lighting you...either way, I'm confused.

OP responded:

I don't know, I'm really really scared right now.

[deleted] wrote:

Or...Check the garbage for the old food containers. And how was the food paid for? If not cash, there's got to be a record of it somewhere.

OP responded:

There's nothing there- there should have been a big mess from the party, but I can't find anything. I would have remembered cleaning up, and feeling pissed about it, but there's nothing but normal garbage from the week. There's no extra dishes left places.

There are no leftovers, and there was a TON of food- like three pizzas and five boxes of wings, plus someone brought Chinese. And there was a ton of soda, and now I can't find any of it. The paper towels aren't even out of place. They're full, just like I left them. Oh Jesus, I am so scared right now, I swear to god I'm not crazy I'm really not

[deleted] wrote:

That edit is so weird. Either you're having a dream or everyone just play along with your husband's scheme.

OP responded:

I don't understand I'm really scared- do you mean I dreamt the whole thing or I'm dreaming right now? I've been crying since my husband talked to me- I told him I need to sleep. I don't understand.

motherofamouse wrote:

So since nobody is responding to the update, which shocked me more than the initial post. Can you give me a bit more inside on this? Would you say that you dreamed this event or like really lived it? Is there a history of mental illness/did anything like this ever happen to you or someone from your family?

OP responded:

I may have dreamed it, since I can't remember my husbands friend mentioning inviting anyone over before the event, like asking us if it was okay which he always did before. Especially his sister, who has never come over before, or the one particular friend I texted because my husband and I don't get along with him.

This sort of thing used to happen to my grandmother. I don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to tell my husband. It was probably all just a dream. I think I will ask my husband's friend'd gf. She wasn't here, but he may have mentioned it to her.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Hey guys, great update! First, thank you all for your outpouring of love and support! I got on this morning and was overwhelmed by all your love, help, and compassion! You guys give me hope for humanity.

And thanks to the a-hole who told me I was a crazy drama wh*re, that my husband should dump me and get a restraining order. So, yesterday morning, my husband took me to the doctor's, who asked me a lot of the questions you guys did.

No, I didn't hit my head recently, no I don't take recreational substances. However, I have been feeling ill lately, so the night I had the dream/hallucinations, I had taken NyQuil and Benadryl to help me sleep and not drown in my own snot.

Oh, and I also had a few hot toddies, so booze. Apparently, Benadryl has been known to cause weird reactions in perfectly normal people. Such as vivid hallucinations or waking dreams.

So instead of scheduling expensive tests, we chalked it up to weird drug interactions, was told to come back if anything similar happened and to get a goddamn PCP. Husband took me home and I slept. Btw, while I was freaking out and still hopped up, I did check the call records, and his ex's number wasn't on the call or text list.

EDIT: Yeah, guys, in retrospect, mixing two kinds of d#$gs that (apparently, never knew this, and thanks for telling me, bc I wouldn't have known) do the same thing was really damn stupid. I won't be doing it again.

Also probably never taking acetaminophen either, judging from some of your comments. Or alcohol. Also, I'm actually really relived I'm not alone in the whole mind-trip thing. I'm sorry for anyone who experienced what I did and doubt their own reality.

The comments kept coming.

MissTheWire wrote:

Thank goodness, I was hoping you would update. So glad it looks like nothing more serious than a reaction. When you are feeling better, don't forget to do something extra-nice for your husband. It must have been scary and upsetting for him.

hankhill33 wrote:

I've used benadryl (diphenhydramine) as a sleep aid and have had some crazy dreams. I think even sleep walked a couple times. I've also heard that if you take a high enough dose you can see some crazy shit while awake but nothing that you'd want to see.

OP responded:

I also sleepwalk just in general. About a week ago, I woke up in my car about halfway to work. I was having a dream one of my charges was dying (I work with animals) and I had to go save her and give her medication.

Montaron87 wrote:

I know it's a happy update, but please realize you got lucky. Make sure to stay off the booze when you take d#$gs of any kind and don't take d#$gs after you've been drinking. It turned out fine this time, but you could've f--ed up a lot of stuff by doing this.

Cultooolo wrote:

My husband once had a very very bad allergic reaction. Like, throat closing up bad. I gave him three benadryl and then we went to the ER, where they gave him IV benadryl.

He became very paranoid and angry with me. Remembered conversions that didn't happen, heard voices calling his name in empty rooms. Looking back now, it's quite funny. At the time, not so much. Anyway, even over the counter meds can be dangerous. Please be safe out there.