'My husband turned 40 and suddenly became the man I married again. Should I ask him why?' UPDATED 2X

When a positive change comes out of nowhere, you don't want to jinx it. But that doesn't stop you from having questions about it.

"My husband turned 40 and suddenly became the man I married again."

Hi, I’m new here. I create this account because something happened to my husband about a year ago and I don’t know what to make of it. My husband has always been a good man, and he’s a wonderful father. He also has a great career and very driven to succeed. But after the kids were born his passion for me had waned.

He was once very affectionate and flirty and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We had date nights and would take weekend trips filled with kissing, hand holding and a lot of s#x. But after the kids all of that began to fade and it continued to the point that I felt like we were roommates. I kept myself in shape for him and initiated s#x often. He would never turn me down but it was lazy.

It was basically get off quick and go to sleep. So after a while I just stopped imitating. This continued for years and I had just grown used to it. I still loved him, I had no desire to cheat or divorce. I just figured this is what happens after kids and I’ll just deal with it. Then, about a year ago he got a babysitter and asked me if I wanted to go away for the weekend just the two of us. I was shocked but agreed.

And the entire weekend he was affectionate and flirty and just fun. He hadn’t acted this way in years. He was a completely different guy and that included in the bedroom too. This may be TMI but my husband hadn’t performed 0r@l s#x on me in 10 years and every time he had before he was kind of terrible at it. But while we were away he just did it without asking and he was amazing at it.

This new attitude continued when we got home and a few months after that I started to notice that he had lost weight. Shortly after that he started to look more toned as well. He had gotten a dad bod but now he looked better than when we got married. I won’t lie, I had difficulty keeping my hands off him.

He’s basically become the perfect husband overnight, I don’t know what happened. He says he just wanted to be a better husband but there was no event that triggered it outside of turning 40. Could that be it? I’ve read that middle aged men sometimes get in shape because they are looking to cheat. But that’s not the case. He’s never cheated or had any desire too.

We have lifestyle 360 for the kids and I see where he is. It’s work and home. I also see all his texts since we share an iPad. So I’m kind of stumped.

TL;DR: My husband suddenly became a perfect husband and I don’t know why.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Thank you all for the comments I will answer a few common questions.

I see no testosterone in the house. Unless he’s taking it at work and not telling me then I don’t think that’s what it is.

How did he become so good at or*l? He did tell me that before he didn’t like it but now he does. I could tell before he was grossed out by it and that affected how I felt about it. So right there was a change. But that doesn’t explain how the man has become downright intuitive with or*l and s#x in generally.

He has a sense of when to speed up, when to stay consistent, when I’m close and how to get me there. I just don’t know how that happened. That part didn’t happen right away but it didn’t take long. Like I said above cheating really isn’t possible. I always know where he is and have for years. I can track him and so can the kids. He goes to work and comes home.

And when he leaves the house it is to the store or his parents and I can see that too. Also, wouldn’t you get in shape before the affair not after it was over? Because I have been hyper vigilant and there’s nothing.

The comments came rushing in.

lufiron wrote:

This is his midlife crisis. Instead of getting a Harley, he got in shape. I did the same thing.

Starry-Dust4444 wrote:

It wasn’t hard. I knew he wasn’t cheating. Even if I didn’t know where he was all the time he really isn’t the type to cheat. I tend to think most cheaters are narcissistic on some level and that is the opposite of what he is.

OP responded:

Cheating or looking to cheat was one of my fears but no. As I mentioned in the post, there is really no possibility. I can see his texts and we have lifestyle 360 so I know where he is and it’s work and home

PlanePerformance2795 wrote:

It sounds like you’re living the good life. But the only question I have is how did he suddenly get so good, did he practice? Did he do search up some tips? It’s a little suspicious. When I suspected my ex was cheating she suddenly started doing home workouts and new tricks in bed. But I also learned how to do new stuff via tips and things, and got pretty good at most things so it could be that as well.

OP responded:

He got better at s#x by simply trying. Before it was basically pants off, pound, pound, pound and done. Now he actually takes his time, heats me up before entering me. He uses his mouth, he teases me. He’s passionate now where before he was just all business.

And even when he does finally go inside me he’s started using his hips and moving that thing around in there. I’m positive there was no cheating. Like I said I can track him and I see all his texts as they come in. There was just never an opportunity. He had to have done some research though.

littleorangemonkeys wrote:

There could be a lot of things that triggered this. Maybe he went to the doctor and got scolded and/or scared into getting healthier, which lead to his renewed "you only live once" attitude. Maybe he got his testosterone checked and treated.

Maybe someone at his work or a friend of his is going through a divorce, and he got worried and wanted to keep that from happening to him. If it were me, I'd want to know why the sudden change, if only because I want to know what's going on in his head. If he had a health scare, I want to know about it in case it gets worse.

If he's worried about divorce, I want to work TOGETHER on strengthening our marriage. Etc. While it seems like "why are you complaining if he's doing everything you want?" it's possible that the reason for the changes could still be something we need to share with each other.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

I wanted to give an update on my post from a few days ago since everyone who commented was so helpful. I talked to my husband and asked him if he was taking testosterone as many of the commenters thought he was. He said no and was curious why I asked.

So we talked a bit and I really pressed him hard on what was going through his mind a year ago to make him change so much and I was able to tease 2 things out of him.

The first was an incident at work. It happened about six months before he made his transformation and I knew about it at the time because he told me. He didn’t make a really big deal about it and barely mentioned it after telling me so I just forgot it even happened until he mentioned it.

My husband is a VP of Finance at a rather large private company and two members of his staff were engaging in an affair. The woman involved in the affair was married and about my age and her husband had started to call the office. So it became a thing he had to deal with since he was their boss.

He told me at the time but I guess this saga dragged on for some months and when the woman in question began to open up to others in the office regarding the reason she had the affair, some of those reasons hit home for my husband. Her husband was behaving much like he was. So he said that isn’t going to be me and set out to fix it.

The second thing I teased out of him is that he quit watching p0rn. Now I do want to say that I don’t care that he watched p0rn, I do myself on occasion. But when he watched it and obviously finished himself afterward, it drained any desire he had for me. I guess he started when the kids were really young and I was just exhausted all the time and he just kept it up because it was easy.

He quit because to fix our marriage he had to get that desire back for me. So he did it. So after this conversation a lot of things make sense. I also understand why he didn’t want to tell me. He didn’t want me to think that the possibility that I could cheat had entered his mind. And the p0rn is sort of self explanatory.

People were happy to hear an update.

Matrim_Wot wrote:

I'm so glad to hear that you two talked about this. I'm also glad you drowned out the assumptions people were making about your husband in the original thread you made.

OP responded:

It wasn’t hard. I knew he wasn’t cheating. Even if I didn’t know where he was all the time he really isn’t the type to cheat. I tend to think most cheaters are narcissistic on some level and that is the opposite of what he is.

shawnael wrote:

Wow, that takes some pretty uncomfortable self-reflection to recognize your own faults in other people’s actions. I hope you two continue to build back a strong, loving relationship. :)

NarlaRT wrote:

What a great update! I do remember in the comments on your original post you were adamant that he wasn't cheating and I felt like you were probably right about that. I get why people suggest it a lot -- it's the case a lot -- but I also know so many couples where something is up and you just know it's not that.

Like a friend was having issues with her husband's sisters and one of them told her she'd seen his profile on Tinder -- no one who knew him believed it. To the degree that we all burst out laughing. When was he Tindering? Between his job, childcare and World of Warcraft -- when? Plus, his phone was so old it wouldn't support the app. Some guys aren't cheating and you just know it.

Anyway. So glad you talked about it. Congrats on your renewed marriage. Congrats on having a husband who took some initiative to improve your life together. Congrats to him on his self-awareness and forethought and emotional intelligence. Congrats to you for noticing and appreciating and acknowledging the change. I wish you guys the best.

Pinkie05 wrote:

My husband recently had the same thing! His friend is going through a divorce after his wife hit her limit. He recognised some of the behaviours of his friend in himself and chose to change.