'My husband and I were on a walk when a man stopped us. He claimed my husband was having an affair.' UPDATED

"My husband and I were walking in our neighborhood when a man stopped us in front of his house and claimed my husband was having an affair with his wife."

My (62f) husband (59m) who I’ll call J have been together for 26 years, married for 25.5. He is one of the most wonderful people I know. I had a very rough dysfunctional childhood. It took years of therapy and tons of support from J to get to the other side and really learn how to love and trust. I also have ADHD. OCD, and suffer from severe anxiety and PTSD from my traumatic childhood.

J has always been supportive and actually maintained a great sense of humor especially with my ADHD. He actually was the one who suggested looking into a diagnosis. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. We met when my daughter (34), T, was 8 years old. I had been a single mom so T and I are very close.

We went to family counseling right after we married (his suggestion) because we wanted to assure we integrated our family and learned how to do that with steps. To say that it has been amazing is an understatement. J and T love each other so much. It took awhile, but we really worked at it. I tell you all of this to give a brief glimpse of why I trust J implicitly. We have gone through so much together.

There were times that I thought that there was no way he was going to stay. That this would be the straw that broke the camels back. But he has never left my side. When this man stopped us he asked my husband was having an affair with his wife. Both this man and his wife are well into their 80’s. We thought he was joking at first and both of us started laughing. We then realize that he was serious.

At first he tried to say that it occurred during lockdown for C0VID while I was at work. I told him that that was impossible because I am a teacher and taught remotely, from home, for over a year. We asked him why he thought this was occurring and he said that his wife, who is in late stages of Alzheimer’s confessed to him.

We asked if he knew a time frame when this supposedly occurred as we have motion cameras around our house (yeah I am very paranoid) and we could get footage so he could see that his wife has never been to our home. He said he didn’t know and couldn’t ask her due to the Alzheimer’s.

This whole thing was so surreal. I was furious. I told him there was no way this happened and my husband would never purposely hurt me. He said that’s what all people say when confronted. There was a lot more back and forth but he refused to back down even though there was absolutely no evidence other than a confession from a woman in late stages of Alzheimer’s.

I am not naive nor am I blind. There are ZERO red flags. My husband treats me so well and we do everything together. I 100% believe this so called affair never occurred. My question is what do I do now? Do I get a restraining order to assure he stays away from us? Of all the crazy that has happened in my life, this has got to top the list. Am I wrong to want to get a restraining order against an 80 year old man?

The commenters did not hold back.

Julietjane01 wrote:

I mean, do you need a restraining order? You were in front of his house, right? Did he threaten you or say anything to make you think he would bother you? Maybe he is also very confused.

OP responded:

Yeah. He told J not to go near his property or he would be sorry. We honestly are just worried that he may own a firearm. It’s impossible to not go near his property. I don’t want my husband hurt.

[deleted] wrote:

The thing is it well could have happened. I was mistaken several times for my ex-GF's grandmother's younger brother when I went to visit with her. It was awkward, but we navigated it even after she threw a minor fit that I was dating my own grandniece and it was wholly inappropriate and screamed the house down.

Alzheimer's chews swiss cheese holes in the cerebellum, and to cope with it the mind patches in convenient identities and fills in the gaps. (Edit: yes, I am aware this is not accurate in a strictly technical or medical sense. It's called a metaphor, people. Human minds are fragile and we stretch and borrow to cover up holes in our memories. Yeesh).

His wife might well have had an affair twenty years past or more, and the OP's husband might have looked LIKE that man, and replaced the identities.

And her husband, hurt and wounded, confronted them because even though he knows that it's not the OP's husband.

But he can't NOT, because not only is he absolutely wounded by the confession but also that he knows it isn't his wife's lover. Or even that his wife had an affair, but this is the only way he can cope with her dementia. What a truly awful situation for all of them. The OP, her husband, the accuser, and his wife. There's just no good side here. Everything sucks here, but nobody does.

OP responded:

We were discussing this afterwards. I really am ignorant about the effects of Alzheimer’s but I thought that perhaps this could be the case. My husband works from home. During lunch he takes laps around the neighborhood and thinks maybe that is where she saw him.

Shelisheli1 wrote:

My grandfather had Alzheimer’s that caused him to believe things that never happened. He didn’t understand that it wasn’t true because he “remembered” going through it.

This is one of the few times I’d say to let it slide. If you see the man again, just say that you “looked through” all of your camera footage/alerts and there was nothing suspicious. You can’t say for sure she didn’t cheat, but you can say it wasn’t with your husband.

OP responded:

Yeah I like this idea. He must be so lonely. And then to be dealing with this. I think he wants to believe her cause that would mean she’s “normal” again and remembering things. Even if they are bad things.

The next day, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: I’m so sorry. It took me forever to figure out how to edit this, I have no idea how to update (this is my first post). First, I am reading all of the comments and taking them to heart. You all have shared your stories and really educated me about these horrible disorders.

I never realized how horrendous Alzheimer’s and Dementia are and not only how they affect the person with the disorder, but the devastation this has on those that love them. You have helped to understand how this man and his wife need our compassion and grace. I did speak with a person in the neighborhood.

I was worried about getting anyone involved officially because as many pointed out this could cause more harm them good. She assured me that they do have children and friends that do check on them but she actually has not seen them around a lot lately.

She will reach out to them. Next, I was walking around our neighborhood. Some people suggested that I do not walk by their house but that would be impossible. Think of like a thermometer shape. It is a long street with a cul de sac at the end. But in the middle is this big island with 5 houses on it. Anyway, at one point the gentleman knocked on his window and pulled the top down.

He asked to speak with me. I said that may not be the best idea as he essentially accused my husband of a horrendous crime. He said he would only take a few minutes and it was not something bad. I told him I would not go on his property and I actually backed up to the middle of the street. He asked if I would be ok with his going into his porch. And I said yes.

He immediately apologized. He said my husband’s demeanor was what made him realize that there was not any truth to what his wife said. He said what many of you have told me about Alzheimer’s and he realized what his wife told him could not have occurred.

I told him that I was so happy that he realized this because after all I had learned in the last 12 hours it was breaking my heart that this may be the last memory he had of the person he spent almost his whole life with. He thanked me (so I am thanking all of you that made me realize compassion and grace should be the go to).

We actually then had a nice conversation, altogether talked about 15ish minutes. He asked me to apologize to my husband for him. I told him I would and we said see ya later. He had a really big smile on his face.

Again, I do not think that his would have ended this way without all of your input. Even those of you that called me a Karen🤣🤣🤣, that’s ok, I used to teach at a behavioral school, I’ve been called worse.

The internet was deeply invested.

ranchspidey wrote:

That poor couple. I’m sort of glad he “accused” such a kind family like OP’s who could navigate a tough situation properly without escalating it. I wish everyone involved in this story the best. 💔

bentnotbroken96 wrote:

My MIL, the best mom I ever had (yes I know, you're not supposed like your MIL I didn't, I loved her) was turned into a hateful stranger by alzheimers.

Screw that disease. I hope I die young(ish) rather than suffer that.

Historical-Lab-7310 wrote:

Alzheimer’s is probably the worst disease on this planet. My grandma and dad got them and it’s so sad to see them like that. I hope that man finds some peace.