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'My husband won't consider being sterilized, he wants me to do it instead. Is this fair?' MAJOR UPDATE

'My husband won't consider being sterilized, he wants me to do it instead. Is this fair?' MAJOR UPDATE

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There are times you need a choir of internet strangers to affirm that your feelings are valid, and you're not imagining things.

"My husband won't consider being sterilized, he wants me to do it instead. Is this fair? 32F & 37M."

Me 32F and my other half 37M just had a baby this week. We've been together for 11 years now and this baby is our second child. In fairness, I'm medically incapable of having more children (to term), I can physically get pregnant but I can't give birth again. We decided that we were okay with 2 kids and that this would be our last.

My doctor asked me a few weeks ago, whether I wanted to be sterilised as they'd be opening me up anyway during a C-section. My husband and I talked this over and he said that it was a good idea. I was hesitant but I think just for practical reasons sterilisation was for the best. I agreed, and we signed off on sterilisation.

However, due to the previously mentioned medical issue, I started bleeding at 37 weeks and my baby had to be born on an emergency basis. During an emergency C-section, they do NOT perform sterilisation as it's done for life saving reasons.

The doctors made it clear to me afterwards that I would need to essentially triple up on contraceptive measures until I could get the surgery done which may be a very long wait. Sterilisation during C-section is quite a lot better at preventing pregnancies, as the one where you get just the sterilisation surgery alone is keyhole surgery. It has higher rates of ectopic pregnancy.

The thought hadn't crossed my mind but my husband's grandmother was visiting and she said "OP has given you two children, she's had major surgery for you twice now, why don't YOU get the sterilisation surgery?"

The midwife was present during this and spoke about how much faster it could be done for men than women and how I'd had quite invasive surgeries and another, even if minor surgery, I would be looking at a much longer recovery time than most. In total, I've had major surgery on my abdomen area 6 times throughout my life.

My husband said there's no way he's having sterilisation surgery. He didn't even want to discuss it. However, he still wanted to discuss me having the surgery, and still wanted me to have the surgery. He kept saying that it's different for a man. I feel like he's not being fair, especially when I've had to be cut open twice already for our kids.

I spend the pregnancies with hyperemesis gravidarum, so 9 months of dehydration caused by being unable to go 30 minutes without vomiting. I don't understand why he won't even talk about it, but I'm also worried that he doesn't want to do it because he wants to have a fallback card in his pocket in case we separate, so that he can have kids with another woman.

I don't know whether I'm being inconsiderate since technically, it is me who shouldn't get pregnant, not him. Part of me wishes that we could go through this together though. I'm really confused by this.

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

woolencadaver wrote:

Well, it's time to stop f-king him.

Marzipan_civil wrote:

Yeah it's different for a man - vasectomy is a day procedure with much faster recovery time than a woman's sterilisation. Is he just trying to have a backup plan if your relationship fails, or something?

OP responded:

That is what I'm thinking. He said he wanted 3 kids not just 2. Simultaneously however it took me a long time to even get him to consider kids, he is also getting older and I don't know whether he would be interested in starting again to have kids with someone else.

I do wonder if it's that he wants it as a fallback plan, should our relationship end. I hate that he'd be thinking that way, I'm not sure if it's wrong for me to hold that against him however. Lots of people do things to ensure their own benefit after a relationship ends, like having private savings, signing prenuptial agreements etc

HelloJunebug wrote:

Considering what you’ve gone through, he’s being super selfish. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep with him anymore.

Syyina wrote:

Of course it’s not fair. But your husband is right about it being different for a man. It’s much, much easier and less physically invasive for a man. Your husband doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t want to admit how selfish he is. Personally I wouldn’t trust him to use birth control effectively. Protect yourself.

sanguinepsychologist wrote:

This is absolutely unfair. The sheer irony of him refusing to even discuss his surgery while outright pushing for yours.

It’s a day surgery for men, and a major abdominal surgery for women.

2) You’ve had six abdominal surgeries to date. And you’ve birthed TWO of his children. 3) If this man is sure he doesn’t want any more children, there is no reason for him to refuse this relatively straightforward solution of vasectomy that ensures, as much as possible, that outcome for the both of you.

OP, in your shoes, I would tell him clearly that surgery is no longer an option for you. Given all you’ve been through, I cannot imagine why you would entertain it a SEVENTH time unless your life was at risk.

This is your decision for YOUR body. Your husband can then consider if he’d prefer vasectomy or abstinence as a method of birth control for himself and his body. A married man that is sure he’s done with having kids wouldn’t even need to think about this.

A week later, OP shared an update.

TLDR previous post: My husband wanted me to get sterilised when I've had major abdominal surgery many times and then refused to discuss him getting sterilised instead of me. 2 of the surgeries were to give birth to our kids.

As I said in the previous post that we'd just had a baby, it's been just under 2 weeks since my baby was born and I'm not feeling enthused about my relationship with my husband anymore. Aside from the previous issue of my husband being seemingly unreasonable about which one of us should get sterilisation surgery, a number of issues have popped up since then.

He's become completely inconsiderate towards me, he's also not paying attention at all and then gaslighting me. He agreed to talk about sterilisation again, but when the time came he again refused to talk about it.

My mobility is low while recovering from surgery, forget walking, just standing up is difficult, my iron count is low from the blood loss, so I'm very dizzy. But my husband wants me to move fast. He keeps insisting that whatever we do, it has to be done with a focus on him getting the most sleep. We can't do what's best for the baby. He expects a newborn not to interfere with his schedule.

We've had some need for home improvements over the last week and I've been the one who has to do all the project planning and then do all the DIY work for it. I honestly want to end the relationship. I may get stuck living with him as the only place that he would go to is his grandma's, but she has someone else staying with her right now.

I don't know if I'm being emotional because of the baby, I've had the baby blues all day every day now, for the past few days. I don't know if leaving him is the right decision, but it's very difficult for me to smile my way through this. I moved to his hometown, I have zero friends here and nowhere to go.

I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. If I stayed with him, I would not just have to overlook his current behaviors, but I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I don't have that in me.

Commenters did not hold back.

ROBYoutube wrote:

"I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants."

Hi you can get the f- away from this psycho as quickly and safely as you can manage. Best of luck.

fuxkitall999 wrote:

Can you contact a support person who will help you and not tell him? I am worried for your safety. If you can convince him it is in his best interest to let you stay with a family member he may let you leave. That way he can sleep and no one will bother him. It is actually in your best interest to get away from him.

Stop asking to talk about the vasectomy because he is not doing it. His comfort is his most important concern. Start thinking about yourself and your kids because he is thinking about himself first.

dragon12892 wrote:

You want permission to leave him? Done, permission granted! You’re already miserable, divorce will be hard, but once it’s done you will be free. Go back home to friends and family and he can put the effort into seeing his kids. Better yet, get child support from him. Either way, please leave.

RisetteJa wrote:

He expects a newborn to not interfere with his schedule and everything must be done with HIS sleep MUST be the main priority? I’M SORRY WHAT!?!?! Reading your first post, I was thinking “he might be scared (legit emotion), he might not know what a modern vasectomy entails (also common, but fixable pretty easily), is in need of perspective, etc…”

But this?! F- NO. Can his egotistical narcissistic head fit thru the f--king door?

I think your instinct to exit this situation likely is the right one.

Take good care of YOURSELF ❤️, cause he sure won’t be.

Glittering-Bat-353 wrote:

I've been following since your first post. You should absolutely leave this man(child). But I'm really curious...what does he think YOU need to do to improve the relationship?! Aren't you still recovering from your sixth (I think) abdominal surgery that birthed your second child?

Arent you pretty much physically down for the count while also being responsible for a little brand new life? What the f is this dude trying to tell you that you need to work on right now?!

OP responded:

Basically his complaints have been that he would like to sleep together twice a week, not once a week as he feels that's more realistic. If he doesn't get that, he doesn't see the point in a relationship as I'm "basically a roommate" and that if it doesn't improve, he will have to find that with someone else. Obviously whilst I'm recovering, we can't be intimate at all and I think he's angry at me about this.

He has very weird standards for what counts as "clean" in the house, which we spent a long time arguing about. Although something isn't dirty, like for example leaving a used dinner plate out, he will class things that are clean as dirty, if they're "visually dirty."

For example he thinks a stack of paper is dirty, he thinks non electronic gadgets being in the TV cabinet is "dirty and getting out of control." He thinks a brand new dish cloth on the kitchen countertop is "unhygienic." He thinks everything in every category should have an assigned place in the house. But, he's unwilling to assign a place or buy any storage.

Thecatwhisker wrote:

So I am 8 weeks out from a C Section myself and we have a new baby. He took on basically all the childcare for the first week while I was very much out of it. Then still did the lions share as I got better. He’s back at work now but still takes over and jumps in to help when he gets home. And by ‘help’ I mean we help each other, we are a team, these are our children and this our family. We are working on it together.

Not once has my partner complained about s-- or lack there of. He wasn’t at all bothered about the 6 week wait. And when we did get back into it his main concern was that he didn’t want to hurt me and to tell him if anything hurt and it doesn’t even need saying that’s because he would obviously stop. He looks after the baby and our toddler and he’s fully capable of looking after both full time.

He’s looked after them both for full days so I could have a break and see friends and go on a day trip. He gets up in the night with me to do nappy change then I do the feed. And he still gets up and goes to work the next morning. Oh and he’s going to get a vasectomy once we are done with kids as I already got mangled producing our children so it’s his turn to take one for the team.

He is an absolutely fantastic partner, dad and human being - But if I was describing a woman here it would be like ‘eh totally expected’ no one would think anything of it and men are still held to such low standards because it suits them. If no one expects better of you then you don’t have to be better. Well it’s 2024. That s-t has gotten old.

It’s time to expect better. There’s nothing s-xy about being useless. OP I am not bragging. I’m telling you what a loving and respectful relationship looks like. What you got ain’t it. You deserve better.

Sources: Reddit
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