'My husband's affair partner is 19 and pregnant and doesn’t know the baby’s father.' UPDATED

"My 43f husband's 46m affair partner 19f is pregnant doesn’t know the baby’s father and I don’t know where to begin with fixing this."

A few days ago, my husband of 19 years came to me telling me he wanted us to sit down and talk as he needed to come clean that he has been having an affair for the past 6 months. He arranged with his mother to have the kids for the night and she would get them to school in the morning so we could talk in private.

He had arranged this with her in the day whilst I was at work, when I arrived home around 6:45pm he was sat in the living room alone waiting and looking very nervous and quite frankly ill. I was immediately concerned for him and asking where the children were.

He couldn’t meet my gaze reached out for my hands sat down again and quietly announced he was so sorry and he never meant for this to happen but he had cheated on me.

I had no idea how to react. I was still concerned why no one else was home as they all should have been home hours ago normally getting back around 4pm. No one had messaged me to ask or say they were out with friends.

He started to ramble on. I think trying to explain himself as if there is any explanation for cheating, I wasn’t paying attention demanding he tell me where our children were eventually he told me that his mother was looking after them for the night.

He asked me to calm down and let him explain himself, I admit I snapped when he said this how can he expect me to calm down when he’s just admitted to breaking our vows what is there to explain if he wanted a divorce he should have just asked for one months ago.

He started to get upset begging me to please calm down and let him talk he didn’t choose this but there’s more to the story. I was so full of emotions I walked outside and sat in my car he followed me to the door crying and begging me to listen and please don’t go.

I sat in my car for I don’t know how long sobbing thinking of our marriage our children what will happen now does this mean divorce couples counseling can I forgive him and the biggest question why? Why did he cheat. Who is she. Why is she better than me. Why is this woman more important than the life we have built together over the last 22 years.

After maybe an hour of spiraling and crying I was ready to hear him out and ask my questions. I knocked on the door he opened it reached for my hand and we sat down again he tried to lead me to upstairs to our bedroom I said absolutely not we’re talking this through downstairs now or he can leave for tonight.

I didn’t know what to expect from what he wanted to tell me. I didn’t care for the apologies and excuses. He told me the affair had started 6 months ago. But it had just been secret messaging, nothing flirtatious from his side to begin with.

Then things escalated she became more boldly flirtatious and during a night I was working away, they slept together the first time. That was supposedly four months ago, he hasn’t admitted so but I believe they’ve been intimate regularly since. I asked why who how so many questions I didn’t give him time to answer as I began to spiral again.

He said it was Emily, a name that didn’t mean anything to me/ I half laughed and said am I supposed to know who that is then he said James’ Emily. James is our 18m son Emily 19f is his ex girlfriend as of two months ago.

I was so angry in that moment I shouted for him to get out I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I couldn’t stand to look at him or listen to what he had to say next how would he try and excuse not only having an affair but with our son's ex who he was still broken up about.

She had broken up with him two months prior which had him very upset as they’d had a sensible and very positive relationship for over a year, she was fully welcomed into our home and I was quite fond of her. The whole family had been sad to hear they had broken up his younger siblings saying how they missed her coming round.

I apologise, I’m getting away from things this is still so much to think about and hard to actually put down. My husband told me the reason he was coming clean to me now was that Emily had confided in him two weeks ago that she was pregnant but was unsure as to who the father is she said it could be him or James.

He told me he hadn’t planned or wanted any of this. He didn’t initiate the relationship he tried to not get close with her but he wasn’t strong enough mentally and it just happened. Upon hearing that I got up and left I just couldn’t stay there listening to him any longer I drove 30 minutes away and checked into a hotel for the night turning my phone off.

I went into work the next day as normal returning home to the kids out once again and him waiting by the door eyes red begging me to talk to him. I didn’t have the energy to talk or argue I just walked up to our room laid in our bed as he begged me crying again.

I’m not delusional enough to believe anything he says regarding how it was all her initiating the flirting she’s only 19 and he’s more than twice her age for gods sake! He didn’t act in this alone but to try and place all the blame on a teenager is quite frankly pathetic and makes me sick.

It has been a few days since and nothing has resolved things are back to normal for the sake of our children James doesn’t know about the affair or possible pregnancy. They’re all back home and I’m trying to make things appear as normal as possible just until Christmas is out of the way I don’t want this affair mess to ruin what should be a joyful time of year.

I’ve hardly spoken to my husband since ,except for when the children are around having to share a bed with him disgusts me he’s tried to cuddle me and get me to kiss him in front of the children I feel so much animosity to him. I fear my depression that I struggled with as a teenager will come back I just want to cry everywhere my heart is broken not just for myself but for our family.

I know James needs to know and sooner is better but I don’t know that I can be there for us both right now. How do I even try to figure this out? When is the right time to tell James?

I know it’s so silly to think we could keep this a secret until Christmas is over but I don’t have any idea where to start it just feels like the worst time for all of this I don’t know how I feel regarding everything I know I’m nowhere near finding a solution or thinking of next steps I’m mostly concerned for James and the fallout this will have between him and his father and our other two children.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Obvious-Block7989 wrote:

Honestly I think ripping the bandage off now makes more sense. If this comes out by other means, your son may feel betrayed 3x over. Especially if he thinks you’re covering for your husband. Or if he believes you would have stayed, if he hadn’t found out. I would at least have him leave the house, even if you don’t disclose all the details yet.

OP responded:

Thank you that’s a good idea having to be in the same room as him these past couple days has been so hard on me. I may tell him to go stay elsewhere at night and we can share some details with my eldest. I would hate for him to feel I’ve betrayed him I won’t let my husbands actions cause my son and I more pain.

Pergamon_ wrote:

Wow. I am so sorry! First of all, I think you should "stay out of this" in a way. And I mean that in a certain way. YOU shouldn't have to deal with your son: HE has to deal with your son.

So you will need to explain to your 'husband', that he will need to sit his son down and explain TO HIS SON that he, as his 46M dad, slept with his 19F girlfriends during their relationship and she now might be pregnant.

Don't get tricked into the situation that YOU need to tell him. Do not get involved in that. Once this has been dealt with, your (presumably soon ex) husband will need to talk to your other children and explain these events to them too. He did this, so he can now put his big boys pants on and deal with the consequences. Those consequences are:

* HE will have to face his children explaining this
* You will leave him
* you will love the crap out of your children and care for them the best you can

* You will financially negotiate the absolute f**king best financial deal you can get out of him.
* You will get help for your children if they need this dealing with this shit show. If you need help, you will get this too.

This is going to be the single hardest thing you have ever done in your life. And as a true mum, you will face this, look the monster straight into the eyes, and then you will pick it up, throw it away and build a new life.

ETA: Don't think you can 'save' Christmas. There is tension in the home already, this is a holiday season that can't be saved. That's very difficult. Focus on next year. Things will be different.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for giving me the wake up call I need! I don’t know how I’ve gotten into thinking that this is on me to fix! I will speak to my husband later today about telling James. I will also be contacting a therapist for myself and James separately and looking into getting a lawyer for a separation. I’ve always vowed to be the mum that’s there for her children above anything.

Time-Town6745 wrote:

I'm so sorry. But I don't think this can wait. One for the fact that this girl may very well tell your son or he may hear from someone else and you don't want that to happen. You want to make sure he knows you have his back and are in his side and there for him. If he feels like you were hiding this from him it will cause more issues.

Two it's not fair to either of you to have to put up with your gross husband. You shouldn't have to deal with him and especially him trying to cuddle and kiss you. I promise the kids already can tell something is up especially if they are older. And not fair to your son to have his dad around playing good dad. Sit him down and have your husband tell him what he did. Then get a lawyer and STD test.

Icy_Department_1423 wrote:

Contact divorce attorney.

Tell your husband he must tell son before Christmas, with you present. You are to remain as silent as possible, except to call out any any woe is me by your husband.

Advise your son not to meet ex in person, as this is too fresh to deal with. Do tell him you will support him in any way needed and you will be divorcing.

Tell husband he needs to leave the home for at least the next two weeks. Leave it up to son on how much detail to share with other children at this point.

Find a clinic to get tested for STDs asap. Suggest your son do the same, after a day or two.This is not your problem to fix, just to deal with in the best way possible for you and your children. Good luck.

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

This is a small update of what’s happened since I made my first post. I hope everyone can see this if I haven’t done this correctly please let me know. A little summary of my last post, my husband of 19 years admitted to me that he has been having a 6-month affair with our eldest son’s ex-girlfriend (girlfriend at the time the affair started).

Now the update, after I made the post and read so many comments from amazing people seriously thank you to everyone who validated my feelings and helped me to create a plan of action. That night after my children were in their rooms I sat down with my husband told him that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him anymore and that he needs to come clean to James about what he has done.

I told him that I was going to contact a therapist for myself and for James and as some comments had suggested I would ask them if they think it is best for James to be told in their company for additional support. My husband didn’t have anything to say he just sat there taking it in.

I think that was when he started to realise just how much he messed up. He told me he would be getting a hotel room for the night and staying with family or friends for the time being. I was able to speak to a therapist that Sunday and after speaking with my sister about everything I thought it was best to tell James as soon as possible as I had now known for a week.

My sister took my other two kids for the day, they were reluctant to be away again, they knew something was up I told them that once they came home I would explain everything to them and we will be ok no one is ill so don’t start to worry and gave them both a huge hug.

With me there my husband spoke to James he told him similar what to what he had told me but without the excuses and begging for forgiveness. James was quiet for a very long time so my husband went to another room to give us some time alone.

I don’t want to go into how James was as that’s not for me to talk about, but he was obviously very hurt we spent a long time talking and consoling each other James then went for a lie down and my husband left for a bit. That evening when my sister dropped my younger two home their father came back and he explained to them about having an affair and that it was with James’ ex girlfriend.

We decided not to tell them about the possible pregnancy at this time until paternity is determined and more is concluded about that I’m dealing with the affair and possible pregnancy as two separate issues. James and I have both gotten std tests all negative so far but awaiting the full results.

Concerning the possible pregnancy I am only focused on helping James through it what my husband chooses to do is his own business. James has contacted Emily regarding a paternity test. He hasn’t shared with me his feelings if the test comes back positive we are taking things one step at a time.

For myself I am back in therapy fortunately I’ve been able to take some time off work and I’m focusing on getting through each day and supporting my kids. Once the results for paternity are back then I can worry about divorcing my husband.

I have been to a lawyer for an initial conversation but I think it’s best to just deal with one thing at a time for the sake of my mental health. And my children absolutely come first. The only contact I’ve had with my husband since is him asking about the kids.

I think that’s everything I have to update on currently, I will update again when I have more to share. Thank you again everyone who commented on my first post. The only question I have now is any advice for divorcing with children involved? I want it to be as easy on them as it can be so we can move on from this mess.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update.

Honey_Popcorn wrote:

I don’t have much to add but you are the definition of class. That man sure did mess up, your handling everything so much better then I would in the same situation. You’re a great mother, that man lost out, I hope he regrets everyday for the rest of his life without forgiving himself.

Dry_Pin_7574 wrote:

What in the Jerry Springer!? OP. I feel for you. I can’t imagine the immense pain that your son and you are dealing with right now. I don’t have the words for your soon to be ex - but, my god, what a selfish, narcissistic.

He is about to be hit with every life lesson imaginable.

You are handling this like a boss!! ETA: His relationship with your oldest is cooked (forever). Divorce with kids is ROUGH, but I hope you have a good lawyer.

With his complete lack of ethics and good judgment, you should (will) get primary custody. Therapy for the family…and the perpetrator should foot the bill. Good luck, I hope you heal with good therapy and time.

KSKnitter wrote:

So, start rhe divorce now. The reason is because whoever starts getting child support 1st gets better and more money. Like it is a lot more. They also subtract child support from income in calculations involving spousal maintenance and child support to the2nd family. Might as well get all you can.

Your_Daddy1972 wrote:

Divorce is never going to be easy on the kids. They were betrayed too, maybe not on the same level, but the best thing you can do is make it as quick as possible.

I do suggest that you let them(or a judge with full knowledge if their decision is contested) decide if they even want to see their father for the foreseeable future because what he did is not only a betrayal but CREEPY AS HELL and you or they may not want them around that

bibamartin wrote:

I’ve been thinking about you since your last post. This is just so so sad but the saddest part for me (and there are so many sad parts) is that James’ relationship with his dad will forever be damaged.

Your husband has destroyed your family and I hope he’s beginning to realise the extent to which he has done this. However, your kids are lucky to have you as their mum as you sound like you’re willing to do what it takes to help them through this.