'My husband’s first love contacted him to apologize and reconnect. Should I be concerned?' UPDATED

"My (27F) husband’s (27M) first love (28F) contacted him wanting to apologize and reconnect. Should I be concerned?"

I (27F) have been with my husband (27M) for almost 8 years, married for 3. Let’s call him Liam (fake name). Prior to our relationship, Liam was with Danielle (28F, also fake name). Liam and Danielle met in high school and were extremely close friends before they decided to start dating. They dated from the end of their senior year of high school to the end of their freshman year of college.

They were a lot of firsts for each other, including s#$ for the first time. According to Liam, Danielle was the first girl he was ever truly in love with. He did anything for her, including driving over 2 1/2 hours to and from his college to her college every weekend their freshman year (they went to schools in different states) so they could spend time together.

Things started to change for them during the later parts of their freshman year of college after Danielle got heavily involved with a religious group on her campus. According to Liam, she got very manipulative and emotionally ab#$ive.

She had these new ideas in her head of who she was wanting him to be and wanting to “save him”. He tried going to church with her and doing the things she wanted him to do but it eventually led to him becoming confused, upset, and ultimately resentful which led to them ending things in a crash and burn type way. Fast forward several months after they breakup, Liam meets me.

We started casually dating at first since he still had trauma and large amounts of trust issues that remained from his relationship with Danielle. After about 5 ish months, he felt like he was ready for something serious again. 3 1/2 years later, we’re engaged. Another year goes by, we’re married. Almost 3 years later, we’re here today. Throughout all of this time, Liam has not heard from Danielle once.

Also during this time, Danielle has met someone new, gotten married as well, and currently has a young child. Flash to a week and a half ago. Liam and I just moved to a new house closer to our hometowns and posted about the move on social media. After seeing the post, Danielle decides to message Liam congratulating us on the new place and hoping that all is well.

Nothing too crazy but not something that he was expecting. They begin briefly conversing about house things, moving, renovations, etc. Liam tells me she reached out to him and I find this a bit odd but nothing to worry about. A couple of days later, Liam sits me down to ask me something and for me to “not freak out”.

I, of course, begin freaking out. Apparently, Danielle had continued to message him after their brief conversation and eventually sent him a long post letting him know that there are some things she wants to get out in the open, wants to deeply apologize for the way she treated him towards the end of the relationship, and wants to do all of this in person with him.

He asks me my opinion on this and I’m definitely concerned as to why after all this time this is something she feels the need to do and also why the need for this to be in person. After discussing this with a friend who had a similar thing happen to her and afterwards the ex left them alone, I ultimately agreed hoping that the same scenario would play out with us.

Boy was I wrong. Liam and Danielle decide to meet at a coffee shop in a town about halfway between where we live and where she and her husband live. For Liam, it was about an hour drive. This meeting took place this past Saturday.

At first, I asked to come with and just sit in the car while they talked since I anticipated it being a short but awkward conversation where she could express what she needed to and then he could leave and we could go do something afterwards. Liam convinced me I would end up being bored and he would feel bad leaving me alone for that time so it was better for me to just stay back.

He didn’t think it would last very long, maybe an hour or so, and he would be home before I knew it. I ended up agreeing and he left early in the morning so he could meet her around 10. After letting me know once he got there and that he would keep me posted on when he would be heading back, I waited.

After about an hour, I texted asking how it was going and he said it was fine and that he was just listening to what she had to say. Another hour goes by and I start feeling a bit concerned as I would have thought they would be done by now. Another hour goes by and I’m full on irritated. I text him saying it’s been three hours and ask when I should expect him back.

He lets me know they’re catching up and he would let me know. ANOTHER hour goes by. Four hours in total and I’m mad. What was supposed to be a short apology conversation was turning into a full day thing. Finally, he lets me know he’s heading home after 4 1/2 hours of them talking. I needed answers. When he finally got home, I asked what happened.

He lets me know that Danielle did apologize for the way she treated him during their relationship. After that, they began catching each other up on their lives since it had been nearly 8 years since they last talked. It was a good, casual conversation and then she started breaking down crying. According to Liam, Danielle is at her wits end in her marriage is considering divorcing her husband.

She told Liam that her husband hasn’t been the man she thought he would be and that they have lost all passion in their marriage. That it got harder after she had their baby and doesn’t know what to do since she doesn’t really like the idea of starting over and navigating as a single mom. Basically, she was confiding in him about all of the issues in her life and he sat and listened and talked with her.

Liam said she really just needed someone to listen that wasn’t involved in their circle. He felt bad for her and just wants to make sure she is okay. He then asked me how I would feel if they continued to be casual acquaintances. I told him I could maybe get to a point where I would be comfortable with that, but would needed to think about it.

He made it seem like that was the end of what they discussed and we continued the rest of our day as normal. At the end of the day, we get in bed and are watching TV when I notice that he’s getting quiet and distant. I ask what is wrong and he starts to tear up saying that there was more he needed to tell me about him and Danielle’s conversation. I, immediately, get worried.

In tears, he tells me that Danielle expressed to him that she still has feelings for him. Even though it’s been years and they’ve both moved on, she still has parts of her heart set for him. That her husband “isn’t half the man he is”. In some ways, I wasn’t shocked to hear that especially since she wanted to meet with him after all this time. However, what he said next did shock me.

He told me that after talking with her, he realized that he also still has some unresolved feelings for her. All this time, he thought she hated him after they broke up when in reality she was just struggling with her religious trauma in college and took things out on him when she shouldn’t. Everything was took out of context. I didn’t know what to think.

He was so hurt and torn apart after they broke up and it took me months to build his trust and hope back up in the beginning to allow him to see himself capable of love again. Now all these years later he says he still has a part of his heart for her. In many ways, I understand because first love will always hold a spot. But I’m also a bit hurt that my husband, the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with, still feels for his ex.

After learning that she still has feelings for him, I told him I wasn’t liking the idea of them still talking. That she could eventually start interpreting his kindness to her wrongly and see some sort of potential between them. That really she should be discussing her marital issues with her own husband and not him.

He insists that she would never come between us and that Danielle herself even expressed that she respected the idea of marriage whole heartedly and the last thing she would want to do is harm ours. He wants to be there for her because it seems like she doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to about all of this. Last night, he was showing me TikToks on his phone when a text notification from Danielle popped up.

I questioned him about it and he shrugged it off as nothing. Today, I asked if she was still texting him and he said she was but he was trying to slowly cut her off. I expressed again how I don’t think it’s best for him to be talking to her and how she really should be going to a friend or family member to talk about her issues.

I noticed he was still texting her throughout the evening tonight too. Should I be concerned about all of this? I don’t want to come across as a wife who controls who her husband can or cannot talk to. I do trust my husband but I don’t really know Danielle.

He insists she is true to her word and would never try anything but how can I know for sure? My best friends think I should tell him to block her. I don’t think he will because he feels bad for her. But I don’t want her to continuing to reach out to him for validation and that eventually leading to her feelings towards him growing more. What do I do? Please help.

TL;DR: My husband’s ex girlfriend reached out to him after almost 8 years to apologize for the way she treated him. They spent time together catching up and she told him about how her own marriage is falling apart and doesn’t really know what to do. She’s been confiding in him for a few days now.

Learned that there is also unresolved feelings on her end and my husbands end. Told my husband I didn’t like the idea of her coming to him for validation especially if she has feelings. He says she would never try anything. They are continuing to talk. Should I be concerned?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

NoContest9016 wrote:

Tell your husband that his ex’s failing marriage is her own problem. "Unless you want your own marriage to fail too, you better stop this nonsense."

Comfortable-Ad-2223 wrote:

"Danielle would never do that" she already did. Why confess her feelings to a married man? Why she even appear again?

yesnomaybesoju wrote:

So much this. OP’s husband seems to think “that” refers only to sex, but Danielle is already laying the groundwork for an affair whether she realizes it or not. The husband needs to cease all contact and frankly I’m shocked he didn’t the moment she said she still had feelings for him. And then he says he feels similarly about her?? Do you see where this is going?

Picture him checking his phone for a text from you while hanging out with her. She says “Your wife again huh? Seems like she doesn’t trust you.. my husband did that too, which made me realize he’s so controlling.”

Anytime you guys have a disagreement he can go to her to vent, she’ll be super supportive and tell him he’s right, you’re just being a bitch. She’ll remind him of their best memories and inside jokes. He’s texting her throughout the evening? They are rekindling their relationship in front of your eyes.

MediumSizedMaze wrote:

This is such a red flag comment from the husband. “Danielle would never try anything.” Why isn’t he saying he would never try anything. This should have been shut down immediately.

A day later, OP shared an update.

I want to thank everyone who saw my original post and left a comment or sent me a message. Although they may have been difficult for me to read through, it was something I ultimately needed to do.

Anyways, here is the update.

Liam (27M, husband, fake name) has been at work all day so I wasn't able to talk to him much until he got home. I sat him down again and let him know that I needed to talk about him about his communication with Danielle (28F, husband's ex, fake name). I told him that I wasn't happy and that I needed to know if he was still talking to Danielle today. He told me he was, but that he was to finally end things with her.

For those of you (if not all of you) that suggested Danielle reached out to him because she wanted him for herself, you were correct!! Liam called her today and she straight up asked him how happy he was with me and that if for even a second there were issues and wanted out that they could run away together.

She wants to divorce her husband and be with him. I believe this admittance finally broke Liam's rose colored glasses on the situation and opened him up to seeing what she was really doing. Trying to manipulate her way back to him and home wreck our marriage. He finally told her enough is enough and that he cannot talk to her anymore.

That he did feel sorry for everything going on with her and her own marriage but for the sake of his own marriage and his love for me that he needs to stop being in touch with her. He realized that those unresolved feelings that he started to have for her after meeting with her this past Saturday were more like feelings of nostalgia for the times they spent together and the times they were happy.

The ways she spoke about him and his character made him feel good and gave him that ego boost but after hearing her true intentions, he was able to remember the way she was before and why they broke up in the first place. I told him I wanted him to block her. I wanted no contact at all with her and he agreed.

So he deleted all of their messages, blocked her number, and blocked all of her social media right in front of me. There will be no communication between them going forward. Again, thank you all so much for the help realizing what was happening and what needed to be done. I really appreciate it.

The comments kept coming.

Top-Rip-6731 wrote:

Yes finally a good update. Thankfully he got his head out of his behind and realized what she was doing. Good luck to you in the future.

bamatrek wrote:

More like "got whacked in the face by her bluntly telling him she wanted him to leave his wife for her."

Fun_Diver_3885 wrote:

OP that’s great BUT trust me when I say you have to inspect what you expect. Don’t just blindly take his word for it. He could probably tell you were done if he didn’t agree so he took steps. All of those could be undone just as fast. Give it a day, maybe two and then without fanfare ask him for his phone.

Tell him you just want to see for your own mental health that she is still blocked and there has been no communication because you don’t believe she will go that easily. Don’t let him say no or leave the room. Tell him to unlock it and let you see it. Check every single app he has on his phone that offers messaging…texts, Facebook messenger, Instagram, WhatsApp, Snapchat…every single app.

Look at recently deleted folders. Also you still need to contact her husband and alert him. Don’t tell your husband you’re going to. Just do it. He deserves to know. Her marriage may be a wreck but cheaters say that ALL the time. You would want him to call you. If she is that miserable he needs to know.

Laursecan1 wrote:

Isn’t she a sly one? She does not care about your husband, she just wanted to set up the next person as quickly as she could. Apparently, she isn’t one to be alone. I’m glad that he saw it for what it was! And that he realized that YOU are what matters.

Good for you both. I hope that that is the end of all that nonsense and the two of you can focus on your marriage! Good luck. The two of you need to agree upon full disclosure and complete honesty going forward. I wish you the best.