Hi everyone,
So my husband (m33) and I (f34) have been together for 12 years and married for seven. We also have a kid who is two.
My husband has been open about the fact that some of his previous relationships were poly, and we have always been open to general ethical non-monogamy, for example we used to go to swap parties together and other examples. Fast forward to about 6 months ago when a friend of his came to the end of her marriage and quite urgently needed somewhere to stay so we took her in.
That was all well and good at first and they were very close but so were the three of us - there were nights when we all slept in the same bed because she couldn't face sleeping on her own, there were also nights when my husband slept in the bed with her at my suggestion because again she couldn't handle sleeping alone but I struggled to share a bed with three of us just because of space.
However the topic of poly did come up a bit further down the line as a genuine option and so they started spending every Friday night together and honestly I was and am genuinely happy with this.
This started as a nominally FWB thing but naturally progressed into a relationship. I honestly don't think I have any issue with him seeing her but the problem I am facing is that they want to live as a three forever. Get a bigger house and do this permanently and I can't tell you why but I'm really uncomfortable about permanently sharing my space like this.
On the other hand, my husband's mental health has always been really bad but since my meta has lived here and there have been more of us around it has been a lot better so I really don't want to take this away from him. Really, really don't want to. So I have to find some way towards happiness for myself in this.
Even though I work from home and they both work out of the house I never feel like I'm on my own anymore somehow because wherever I look there are reminders that it's the three of us now so I just feel permanently not at ease in my own home and I don't know how to get past that.
Also she really wants us to move house so that we can have somewhere bigger but also so that it doesn't feel like our house that she's then living in rather than something we share as equals.
And I really don't want to transition to having potentially less time with my husband than I do now. At the moment he's in my bed four nights a week, in her bed for two nights, and then we share the bed one night all three of us (we bought a bigger bed so we could do this).
It has to be said I really like my meta a lot of the time and one of my hopes is that if she and I work on our relationship and get closer this will get easier for me. But at the moment I'm losing the home I thought I would grow old in and I am worried I am losing half my husband. I don't know what I am looking for but I am so worried right now.
minja134 wrote:
Your meta is on a HARDCORE rebound and any affection at this point will form false, weak attachments. This is not the time for her to be starting serious relationships, moving in with two other people trying to start a poly relationship.
She needs some time on her own, your husband and her can still date but she needs distance to work on herself after a divorce. Not just instantly start a new relationship. You and your husband need to sit down and discuss boundaries and expectations for your open relationship. With the space of her not being there 24/7 as well.
OP responded:
I genuinely hadn't considered that. She reads to me as being one of those people that is serially in serious relationships ie not much gap between one serious relationship and the next, but still this is a very good point. And disentangling a lot of the ab-se she experienced in her previous relationship.
aimless_sad_person wrote:
"I can't tell you why but I'm really uncomfortable about permanently sharing my space like this" Not that you need a reason for not having someone else move into your home, but unless I'm reading things wrong it seems they kind of assumed it'd happen instead of asking how you'd feel about a roommate
This also doesn't seem like a good idea anyways. They've only been together for a short time so not only would moving not be sound, but she just got out of a marriage
If you're worried about your husband needing to split time between you two, that is a reality of having multiple relationships. Is that something you feel you'd be OK with? Because this all just seemed to happen and I'm wondering if you ever had the time to truly consider if this is right for you?
OP responded:
I'm under a lot of pressure to make this work for me. My husband has not ever been truly happy in a long while and having both of us around has transformed his mental health. I've expressed my worry that just swapping round which of us is unhappy isn't progress even acknowledging that I'm not as unhappy as he was (but long term... Might I be?).
But there doesn't seem to be a middle ground he can consider. I'm hoping some support from a poly-friendly therapist will help us to articulate our needs and find a workable middle ground.
wandmirk wrote:
Unfortunately, it really seems like you're at an impasse here. Have you made it clear that you're not interested in this to your husband?
OP responded:
I have really tried but he's very clear that this is absolutely what he has needed for a long time - not just being poly (fine) but also us all living together.
I think I've at least got across my very strong reservations and we are now going to try putting everything we have into how we can genuinely make this work - seeing a poly-friendly therapist together (as a three as well as in our various pairs including me and my meta) and doing the work to find a balance of together and separate bits of life that actually works for us.
wandmirk wrote:
What about your needs though?
OP responded:
I really want to learn to compromise. There are a lot of ways I've got my own way over the years and it's fair that I at least give this my best shot.
ToraRyeder wrote:
But why are you the only one compromising?
OP responded:
I don't know. I really need to find ways to stand my ground. Everything gets turned around on me when we start talking about it so I think I may genuinely need the therapist to help me communicate here.
UPDATE:
Cohabiting just got harder and harder and I was getting less and less of my husband's love, attention and even compassion. Friend then bought a house and husband was going to love there two, then three, then even five nights a week.
Nothing I said was right any more. I was the villain - apparently uncompassionate , selfish, a bad communicator, not seeing it from husband's or friend's point of view. increasingly excluded in my own life.
And unsurprisingly about six weeks ago, husband ended our marriage - ostensibly for other reasons about our relationship but it may surprise you not at all to learn that he is now moving in with Friend in the house she has bought and that I am not now on speaking terms with her at all after some increasingly manipulative behaviour from both of them but especially her.
So I posted here ages ago about my husband and his gf essentially putting a lot of pressure on me to be poly ("it's not enough for you to want to want it, you have to actually want it" - rather than in any way acknowledging that I didn't want it). It was bloody awful. I couldn't do it, it's not who I am and no matter how I tried to say that they weren't having it.
In the end my husband broke up with me ostensibly not because of me not wanting to be poly but I mean it absolutely was that. His gf is hugely manipulative and had swung him from being deeply in love with me to completely not and thinking I'm a terrible person within the space of a year.
I've got my faults to be sure but I didn't deserve any of this. I've been doing a lot of work on myself to identify and understand what happened to me and the way they abused and manipulated me.
Part of me is also concerned that the gf is also effectively doing the same to my ex but that's his problem not mine. I've recently met the GFS monogamous ex and that's been eye opening. It feels like she's got a playbook, she's treated her ex badly and did similar to me and debatably to my ex. My ex has also been quite controlling over the years.
I'm so much healthier out of this situation and it's better for me. I'm heartbroken for losing what I thought was a happy marriage and for being so disillusioned about what I thought we had. This has really pulled the wool from my eyes. And it's awful being away from my very small kids half the time. I'm hyper vigilant about their welfare and I'm so worried for them but they seem to be ok.
In short, I have to accept that some of you are happy and healthy in good poly relationships, but if that's not your experience, if it's being used by your partner or their partner to have their cake and eat it, if you're not happy: listen to your gut, to your heart, to your friends. Get out. The sooner you escape, the less, I hope, you might get hurt.
blooangl wrote:
I’m sorry you were treated that way. Out of curiosity, when folks told you on that post that this wasn’t a good idea, and that you situation didn’t seem healthy and sustainable, did that help, or hurt?
Did you feel like all the happily polyam people telling you that this had red flags prepared you for the end? Or? I ask because I want this sub to be as helpful to folks like you as possible, and wonder what we could be doing better?
OP responded:
I think it helped? It started to validate for me that the way I was feeling was ok, that I wasnt wrong to feel like this wasn't working. What I couldn't do was address that in a way that my ex or his gf would ever be equipped to listen to. They couldn't, and still can't, see the impact of their actions or understand that they've done anything wrong.
I think posts advising caution, rather than straight up "leave him now!!" were the most helpful. Those that came alongside me and engaged with what I was experiencing and feeling. So "that sounds really difficult and I'm wondering if you have realised that some of these are big red flags, such as...". Responses that were nuanced.
But nothing in the known universe is going to make someone like my ex or his gf listen when they don't want to. So nothing in the comments section could have changed anything but it did really help to feel less like I was losing my mind and less like I was on my own. Thank you!
Itscatpicstime wrote:
Oh, I remember your post :( I think everyone here could see the red flags with both of them, but I’m so sorry it had to end this way. It’s not fun realizing you were disillusioned, and you two were together for so long. I wish you only happiness and healing as you embark on this new chapter in your life 🖤.
OP responded:
Thank you, its weird reading the comments now and seeing so much more clearly the lack of respect he and she were treating me with. It's awful. I'm doing a lot of work and giving myself time to be on my own and do the learning, to make sure I don't let anyone treat me like that again.
Excelforallthethings wrote:
I'm so glad you got out of that ab-sive situation. If you haven't already engaged an attorney for your divorce and child custody, please at least consult with one. Child custody can go super super sideways and bad when there's a partner in the picture who is manipulative in the way you're describing.
(I am in particular concerned about the potential that both husband and GF will disparage you to the kids and alienate them from you. Please do not take this lightly, it's a horrifying and too-frequent consequence.)
OP responded:
Also I love your username. I'm an analyst in my real life and yet I completely abuse Excel on a horrifically regular basis!! As for the kids. So far so good but I am hyper vigilant at all times. It's stressful to say the least!