'My husband’s relationship with his boss is increasingly questionable. AITA?' UPDATED

"My husband’s relationship with his boss is increasingly questionable. AITA?"

I’m 29F, my husband is 30M. I’ve had a weird sinking feeling in my stomach for months regarding my husband’s new close relationship with his female coworker/boss. He recently got a promotion which has him working on about the same level as her and this requires seemingly never-ending communication between them, at all hours of day and night.

They’ve gone out to several group functions with other coworkers over the last year, but the frequency of them hanging out has recently increased by a lot. I never had reason to believe anything weird was going on until I saw some questionable text messages between my husband and this woman that I’ll call Ashley (37F).

I would post screenshots but their text message background is a photo of the two of them, which I found upsetting. At the time, he didn’t even have a text background photo or contact photo for me, but he did for her. He says she’s the one who set it up.

Their texts were mostly innocent, regarding work and the like, but there were times he was bringing coffee in just for her, or they would be discussing what shows/music they like, etc. This isn’t damning, but I just had a feeling that this was turning into a much closer friendship than I was led to believe it was.

I’m embarrassed to admit I didn’t handle it well. I jokingly poked at him about having a “work-wife," to which he became very defensive and increasingly annoyed with me. I ended up dropping the subject because it was going nowhere, but about a month later, on his birthday, we got into a big fight because he was going out with his friends and I was told I was not invited.

Not in so many words, but I was never invited to my own husband’s birthday event, which was upsetting enough. When I asked him why Ashley and other friends can go but not me, he gave me some wishy-washy answer about how he didn’t want me to be put off because his personality with his friends was much different. Keep in mind, I’ve been with this man for 10+ years.

I’ve seen every side of him, with friends and family and everything in between. He also said that me going to the event with his friends would be a “hard launch” to our “relationship”. We are married. I was so confused that I forgot to be mad. Ultimately, I didn’t attend his birthday drinking with these people, but I was finally invited to a New Year’s Eve party a few weeks later where everyone would be in attendance.

I was looking forward to meeting the people that my husband had become such close friends with over the course of months, and unfortunately, I was very disappointed. They are all heavy drinkers, whereas I am not, and up until about when he started this new job, my husband wasn’t either. The party got very rowdy, but that wasn’t what upset me.

It was the body language between Ashley and my husband, and the way she acted with the other men in the room in general. I should mention here Ashley is married and has a child, both of which were in attendance at this party. I am not a prude by any means, but I was appalled at how Ashley was dressed and how she was acting with the other men at the party.

The defining moment for me was when I overheard her telling one of her other male friends that she would give him a lap dance, all while licking her teeth and looking him up and down. I thought that if she was this sexual and flirtatious with another man in front of her husband, surely she has no limitations about what she would say or do with my husband.

I decided to hold my tongue because my husband himself didn’t do anything wrong at the party and it isn’t his fault if his friend is too flirtatious. Now it’s the end of January, and it’s her birthday. This is where things are really coming to a head for me. At the NYE party, Ashley mentioned offhand that I was invited to her birthday shenanigans.

Seeing as I had just met her that night, I accepted politely without showing much interest. Now that was weeks ago, her birthday is this weekend, and suddenly I am no longer in on the plans. My husband mentioned tonight that he was going out with the group on Saturday for Ashley’s birthday. The way he phrased it made it very clear I was not included.

I asked, in my opinion, in a normal way: “am I not invited anymore?” And his reaction was alarming. He jumped straight to the defensive, saying I was never actually invited because those weren’t real plans, and it isn’t his place to invite me because it’s not his birthday. When I said it was simple to just ask if I could tag along, he deflected and continued to ask me if I even WANT to go.

It seems like the same thing he did on his own birthday - banking on me not wanting to go so not feeling the need to include me at all. My feelings were a bit hurt by his knee-jerk reaction, so I asked if HE wanted me to go at all, to which he replied “I really don’t care at all”. Which obviously made me feel greaaaat. So we dropped it and went to bed.

This is the part I feel yucky about, and I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is. When he went to sleep, I looked through his phone. I haven’t done this since we were dating in our early 20s. I want to include the screenshots from the messages I found, but all his text wallpapers are of himself and his friends.

Nothing immediately alarming popped out at me until I saw messages from Ashley regarding her birthday: “we’re dressing slutty!” and “drinks make you hot”, in response to my husband being worried about the cold. To the “slutty” message, my husband responded with a surprised cat gif.

The final straw for me was that he apparently texted their group chat when he was out with me and my friends last weekend, and called my friends boring. When Ashley asked him if I thought his friends were boring, his exact response was “she probably thinks you’re too much. She’s a shy homebody."

This is going to sound so stupid but my stomach just dropped. It felt like a dig at me for being boring or something, even though he has always liked the fact I don’t go out partying. Suddenly, he’s friends with a bunch of partiers and I’m a “shy homebody?"

Is this flirting? AITA for my reaction? I haven’t caught them doing anything outright sexual but this feels like it’s crossing lines, and yet my husband insists I am crazy for even thinking it since she is also married and technically his boss. As if no one has ever slept with their subordinate before.

He bought her a birthday present and apparently also gave another coworker a “really great” gift idea for her. It hurts me even more knowing how excited he is about her birthday and how excited he is to spend time with her, even if it is in a group setting.

TLDR: husband has an overly friendly relationship with his coworker but insists it’s nothing, but I’m also rarely, if ever, invited to join them for hangouts and he makes it seem like he doesn’t want me there. AITA for my feelings?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Foreign-Net8269 wrote:

NTA. He’s blatantly disrespecting you and talking down about you to her. Honestly, I think he’s cheating. I’d pack a bag and leave. Don’t allow him to walk all over you with her.

Backgrounddonut453 wrote:

I can't believe you are tolerating this level of disrespect. Even if he isn't cheating (physically/emotionally) how he treats you is beyond the pale. You're okay to have s** with, keep his home clean, do his laundry, cook him meals, but you don't get invited to his birthday?

Woman wake up, this man doesn't like you, respect you or loves you. Your husband is an awful piece of crap, he's almost certainly cheating on you or close to it, but how he treats you is not the actions of man who cares about you whatsoever.

I'd start looking to exit this marriage, document everything and get your affairs in order. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you can't ignore the evidence, your husband is treating you like shit and you deserve better.

Just so you know he maybe loves the ego boost he's getting from his boss, but that still doesn't make it ok, he's getting attention from another woman and loving it, you don't need proof he's cheating or for him to admit it. Of course, he's gonna lie but his actions are saying more than his words. I think he is actively lying to you, and gaslighting you, believe his actions not his words.

escapefromelba wrote:

It sounds like he is crushing on her a bit, and she both likes and solicits this kind of attention from men. That said, while she may be the reason he doesn’t want you there, it sounds to me like there’s more to it. He is liking this whole partying scene and if you’re not there, he feels like he is free to drink and let loose.

With you there, he seems to think you’ll kill the mood and his good time. I think that is what you should be focusing on not the coworker. I think she is a symptom of the problem but the real issue is he would rather party and spend his free time with his coworkers than you. Instead of asking "What is she doing?" ask "Why does he feel our life together is something he needs an escape from?"

Redneckdebutante wrote:

NTA. I thought you were just overreacting til his birthday. That's not at all cool. I had a male business partner who I was good friends with. We were both married. At no point ever were our spouses not invited to something. Company Christmas party? Spouses. Drinks on a Saturday to celebrate something? Spouses.

Your husband is entranced by his new boss, and she lacks boundaries. I'm so sorry, but this is not going to end well. It sounds like you're very different people, especially from who he now wants to be.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update:

I sat down with my husband and we had a very long conversation and I am pretty happy with its outcome. Based on everyone’s replies, I realize this is going to come across like a cheating husband that was able to smooth-talk his naive wife but that’s not how it feels to me.

I promise I am too cynical and naturally suspicious to fall for some meaningless placating. Although I had already voiced some concerns over the friendliness of his relationship with this woman, he was brushing me off because he did not feel as though he was doing anything wrong.

During our long talk, he recognized on his own that he was dismissing my feelings without fully taking into account his responsibility for them. He owned up to the fact he was crossing boundaries that I am uncomfortable with, like having private chats instead of his work group chat, for one thing.

He apologized about me not being invited to his birthday and admitted he was just being selfish. In his eyes, he didn’t want to be concerned with making sure I meshed well with the group since he thought that would detract from how much he’d be able to socialize with everyone else and worried my feelings would be hurt somehow.

As far as not being invited to Ashley’s birthday this weekend, he checked with the group and they all have agreed I can come with no issue. (They know nothing about our argument). His initial reaction to me asking about the party was because he was upset that I didn’t trust him, and he felt like I just wanted to come based on my mistrust, and not because I wanted to.

That part is honestly true. I wanted to go because I didn’t trust his intentions, not because I actually wanted to be there. I am willing to admit I am part of the problem because I jump straight to conclusions and have some deeply-rooted insecurities. That’s something I want to work on for my own mental health but also for him. He’s agreed to step back from so much social interaction with Ashley one-on-one.

I don’t want to share everything that was said because it’s a private, personal thing for just us but I will say I felt immensely better after having this conversation with him. I don’t believe at all that he is having an affair or would even want to. I still don’t know what her true intentions are and I’m not saying I trust her fully around my husband, but I’m not married to her.

I don’t want to be so worried about what my husband might do that I end up going insane and destroying my marriage out of pettiness. He swears he does not see her that way and that the closeness of their friendship purely stems from the fact they work together so often now and she is his mentor as he is being trained for another promotion soon.

As far as the drinking and partying goes, I told him I’m a bit uncomfortable with how much they all drink and while he recognizes that it’s unusual for me since I don’t go out much, it’s nothing as crazy as I imagine it to be.

Just adults out getting drinks on the weekends or kicking back at someone’s house. The rowdy party on NYE was an anomaly, since it was a holiday and we were at Ashley’s home so they all let loose a bit more. To his credit, he’s never been so drunk that he’s had to stay over somewhere. He always comes home. At the end of it all, I am going to say I think I overreacted, at least a little bit.

Obviously, there were some crossed lines but they’re being worked on or have been resolved already, like the fact he removed their text wallpaper (it was a photo of the two of them together) since he conceded it was more of a relationship thing to do. Ashley may not have meant anything by it when she set that as their background, but my point still stands.

Pretty much everyone in the comments of my last post were in agreement that this was an affair, if not at least an emotional affair, and while I would completely agree if that were a random post I read from someone else, please let me assure you that this isn’t the case here.

Thank goodness! I do want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to reply or sympathize with me. Affair or no affair, people were also concerned with how he speaks to me so disrespectfully.

I did bring this up with him and he apologized. It doesn’t help that we are both neurodivergent so being vulnerable or overly loquacious doesn’t come naturally to either of us. But he agreed to work on that and asked me to please point it out if he ever speaks rudely to me since he may not recognize it in the moment.

This is a better deal to me since he often hurts my feelings without meaning to. Make no mistake, our marriage isn’t perfect but I don’t know many marriages that are. If it ever comes out that I’ve been completely duped and he was cheating, then I can at least say I gave my husband a chance by trusting him. It’s up to him now to hold up his end.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

rockpokemon wrote:

Girl, be so for real right now. You never overreacted. Give yourself some credit for being perceptive the first time, because I’ll be honest, this ABSOLUTELY reads as “cheating husband was able to smooth-talk his wife.” How terribly disrespectful and sad it is to not invite your wife to your birthday party.

You’re a stronger person than me, because I wouldn’t be able to get over that. I am disappointed in his friends for not calling him out on that or wanting to meet you. Did they even know he had a wife? With him using the term “hard-launch” originally, I wouldn’t go so far as to say they absolutely did.

I so truly hope that you are happy in this relationship and do not feel disrespected or misunderstood. I hope I am an internet stranger lacking context, because the way you’ve described his actions toward you are so truly disrespectful. And he wasn’t respectful to you in his conversations with his “work-wife,” either.

I hope he truly, deeply apologized and he meant it - because I hate that one of the last phrases in this post is “he often hurts my feelings.” I hope that if he was being truthful that he actually learned something from this conversation and apologizes more and often, because you do not deserve to feel that way.

Dangerous_Tomato235 wrote:

Oh, OP, sister, please wake up. Let's go with your theory that he didn't cheat. He has crossed so many boundaries that disrespecting you and your relationship, I honestly lost track. The texting, the not being invited to HIS birthday, yeah, that would have been it there alone.

Not being invited to her birthday party, texting about your friends being boring, and that you are a homebody. I mean, come on, it couldn't be any more in front of you if it smacked you in the face.

These are all in appropriate conversations, if not of an affair in the making. Did you talk to her husband, get a feel for this? Maybe they are swingers, maybe he doesn't know his wife is a w**re. This doesn't even begin to touch on what an HR nightmare this will be for the employer when it all hits the fan.

If you were the center of your husband's world, he would not even question what you are saying. He would not go out with these people all the time, leaving you home alone. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look and be like? What is going to happen when you have children?

He needs to leave that job immediately. The fact is, your husband should not have to be told these things.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE S3X BECAUSE YOU, MY DEAR, ARE THE LAUGHING STOCK TO ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

susandevyjones wrote:

I really hope this man is in sales because if he can convince OP she’s part of the problem for feeling insecure after her husband didn’t invite her to his birthday party, he could sell sand to a Bedouin.