"AITA for saying that my kids are the most important reason I would never cheat on my wife?"

My wife is upset at me because of a conversation I had with one of my (ex)friend this weekend. I wanted to get neutral opinion on if what I said was horrible and disrespectful to my wife. Just a warning that I am writing about a very sensitive topic and may be triggering to some people.

I have been friends with Jason (38M) since high school. Our families are also close, and our kids are of similar age. For context, Jason is married and has two young girls. Last month, Jason's wife Brie got anonymous messages about Jason cheating on her. She snooped around and learned that Jason was having a 2 year-long affair with one of his co-workers.

Brie was devastated and reached out to my wife. My wife and I supported Brie, and she confronted Jason and kicked him out of the house. He is living with his parents now and trying everything possible to talk to Brie and make things right. I was faced with a tough decision but decided to be there for Brie and kids and cut contact with Jason. He has been messaging me and trying to talk to me since then.

Last week, his mom reached out to me and told me that Jason has not being doing well and having panic attacks and wanted to talk to me. I was reluctant, and despite my wife's protest, I decided to talk to him. He came to my house on Friday evening. My wife did not want to see him and stayed in our bedroom along with the kids.

Jason was very apologetic and started telling me how he is so angry at himself, and how he broke up with his AP in order to make things right with his wife. He told me that he is also planning to leave his job and would do anything to get back with Brie and see the kids. He wanted me to talk to Brie so that he can at least discuss the situation and they can work on their marriage.

I have never seen him cry and it was just horrible. He started complaining about how Brie has been ignoring him for the last several years and they were having problems and that led him to make such a horrible mistake.

I know it's not my place, but I completely lost it on him and told him to stop blaming Brie. If he had problem with her, she should have worked with her to solve it. Cheating on her is the worst thing he could have done to her, and he has no idea how hurt Brie is due to all this. I told him that he not only hurt Brie, but also screwed up his kid's lives.

They did not do anything wrong and now have to suffer due to his selfish behavior. I told him that I know that husbands and wives may have problems, but his actions are punishing his kids, and their lives will never be the same after this.

I told him that I am angrier at him that he destroyed his girls' lives, and he is a monster if he did not think of them before cheating on his wife. We both argued for a while and eventually, I told him that I cannot help him in this situation, and we will stand in Brie's corner and make sure she and the kids are taken care of. He left after that.

My wife was appreciative that I did not support Jason and did not let him blame Brie for his horrible actions. Before sleeping, my wife asked me why I focused on telling Jason that he should have not cheated because of the kids. She said that Brie's life is also destroyed, and she is never going to emotionally or financially recover from this for a long time.

She feels that the kids are collateral damage, but Brie should be the reason why Jason should not have cheated. I told my wife that from my perspective, I feel worse for the kids because they had such a nice stable home and Jason messed it up for everyone.

My wife told me that she knows I would never cheat on her, but if I was tempted to cheat, would I stop myself because I love her, or would it be because of our kids (we also have two girls). I told her that the main reason I would not do it is because I have morals, but if I was playing her game, I will stop myself because I would never want my daughters to go through this horrible situation.

My wife was upset at the answer because she feels that she should be the number one reason why I would not cheat. I understand her point and I love her very much. However, I really want my daughters to have a wonderful perfect life with two loving parents, and that would be the main reason I would never do anything to sabotage it.

Am I the AH because I prioritize my daughters' happiness over the love towards my wife? Is that a normal thing to do, or my wife is right, and she should always be my number one priority?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Spare-Valuable8031 said:

I don't know if you're necessarily the a$$hole here, but I would be hurt if my husband told me our kids are the reason he wouldn't cheat. Especially because our kids are NOT the reason I wouldn't cheat - my love and respect for my husband are.

Popular-Block-5790 said:

I would be really hurt if this was my partner's reason and not the love, respect and empathy towards me.

EngineerLostonPertam said:

Eh no one is the a$$hole. This has always been a big debate, are the kids the #1 priority or is the spouse the #1 priority? Personally I see the spouse as the #1 priority, since you need a good marriage to properly raise your children and it is the main and best way to lead by example of how they should and be expected to be treated in a relationship. Plus the multitude of benefits it has for the children.

But I see the points of the other side.

OP replied:

I guess I see the point too. However, my heart broke for the girls during the last month that was on top of my mind. I talked to them over the last month and while the youngest is too young to understand anything, the older one knows what is going on and you could see the hurt in her eyes.

A week later, OP shared this update:

I wanted to thank everyone for all your suggestions and comments on my post from last week. The week has been crazy, and I am just left numb since what happened yesterday can't help but blame myself for the mess that happened so far.

The issue was that my friend Jason was caught cheating on his wife last month, and when I had an heated argument with him last week, I told him that he should have thought about his kids before starting a 2 year long affair with a co-worker.

My wife heard the conversation and was upset that his wife Brie was the one who was wronged the most, and I should not have told him that his kids should be the number one reason he should have not cheated. I agree with all of you who said that the comments I made were horrible, but it was just an emotional week, and not sure I am thinking about things right.

One the night I posted here, I had a very long conversation with my wife. I apologized to her for telling her that our daughters' happiness would be the main reason why I would never do anything to hurt our family. I told her that she is the love of my life and how much I value all the things she has done for us.

I understand that she is my wife, and I made a vow to her to be with her forever, and I understand how my statement was hurtful to her. She was luckily very understanding and told me to not worry about her. She said that she was hurt in that moment, but understands how much I love our kids.

She did ask me why I even kept on bringing up kids during my conversation with Jason as that was the point in my argument with Jason where I lost my cool. The thing was when Brie kicked out Jason after learning about the affair, she was a mess. Brie is a SAHM and does not have many friends. My wife is probably the closest friend of Brie and hence she called my wife to tell her about what happened.

As my wife went to her place, I volunteered to pick up Jason's daughters and bring them to our house to give Brie some space. Brie was having a mental breakdown since the incident and my wife chose to stay at her place to look after her. I was watching the kids for 4 nights, until Brie was ok enough to take care of them.

Jason's older daughter who is 8 kind of understood what was happening. However, his younger daughter is 4 and was just missing her parents. She is daddy's girl and kept on insisting to me to call Jason to our place. It was heartbreaking to look at her and feel how irreparably her life will be affected because of Jason's selfish decisions. I just felt very sad inside during the whole situation.

I understand that it is Brie and Jason's relationship, and I don't get to have a say, but I feel that was the main reason why I reacted the way I did. I feel lucky that my wife understood my emotions and was gracious to support me and not be upset with my unfortunate statements. She told me that she told Brie that Jason came to our home and about my fight with Jason.

Brie felt hurt about it, but asked my wife if she could come to our house on Friday to talk to me. We met on Friday and Brie asked me about my conversation with Jason. I told her in detail about what happened, how Jason's mom reached out to me, and I met him because of that. I told him about how Jason told me he broke up with his AP and was going to leave his job to be far away from that situation.

Brie asked me about our fight and why I said things about the kids. I again was honest with her about what I felt. I apologized to her for having opinions as it was their relationship, but I just said those things in the heat of the moment. Brie asked my wife and me if we think Jason can change, as she is also very worried about the kids and the impact on them.

She said that Jason has always been an amazing dad, and she is not sure if she can raise the kids without him. My wife told her that what Jason did was horrible and unforgivable, but we do not want to give opinions on their relationship, as only Brie can decide what to do about it. Brie told us that should want to talk to Jason, and if we could host both of them, so she feels safe.

Jason and Brie came to our house on Sunday, and it was the first time in a month that Jason met his daughters. It was a very surreal moment to see how emotional he got after seeing them. I don't care what all of you say, but I know that I will never jeopardize my family because I would never want to be in Jason's shoes and how broken he looked when he had to face his daughters.

There were a lot of tears all around. Brie and Jason discussed things privately. From the gist I got later, Jason apologized a lot to Brie and told her he would do anything to make things right. He told her that he has already put a 14-day notice at his workplace and vowed to never see or talk to his AP again.

He told her that she could have access to his phone, and he will not take a job where he has to travel for work or stay away from her overnight. All he asked was for a chance to go for marriage counselling and work on things. He also offered that they could move to a different town near Brie's parents and get a fresh start. Brie accepted most of the things, except she does not want to move to a new place.

They decided that Jason can move back into their house, and they will try to find a way forward from this situation. They both thanked us for mediating between them, and Jason also apologized to me for all the drama and told me that he will do everything possible to heal his marriage, and make sure his daughters are taken care of.

It all seemed like a good outcome on surface, but my wife feels that my comments about their daughters may have guilted Brie into taking Jason back. I really did not intend to meddle in their relationship, and I know that they have a long rocky road ahead if they want to recover from this situation. I just hope that they find the strength in doing that.

I wanted to get opinions on if what I did was right in this situation, as I feel I accidently caused both of them to get back together, and if Jason cheats in future, I might be the one to be blamed because I talked to Jason first, and then my words guilted Brie into taking him back because of the kids

A commenter, Difficult_Mood_3225, said:

I hate to say this, but it eventually when he cheats again, or they break up, she is going to blame you and your wife for suggesting she stay because of the kids, even though you told her that you and your wife would not give your opinions, you already had. Instead, what might’ve been helpful is letting her know that if he really is a great dad, he’ll continue to be on no matter what.

Even if they are not together. divorce doesn’t automatically mean raising the kids alone and she should do whatever she believes would be healthiest for her and her kids. Staying for that reason alone often means more pain in the end for everyone including the kids.

The whole reason your wife was upset with you is because you were minimizing the importance of who you actually made vows to. The same thing is happening with Brie and her husband.

And OP responded:

To be honest, this is exactly why I am feeling bad. I did not mean to, but my comments may have guilted her into staying with Jason. I thought I knew Jason for my whole life and never thought he was even capable of cheating on Brie. I don't trust him anymore and not sure if I can be great friends with him. I could be wrong, but usually cheaters are are cheaters are cheaters