'My Maid of Honor might not have really been my friend. Am I overreacting?'

"My Maid of Honor might not have really been my friend. Am I overreacting?"

I (26F) have been struggling with something that happened around my wedding, and I can’t tell if I handled things wrong or if I’m only now seeing what was always there. Melissa (24F) and I met in college. I was 21 and she was 19. We had this chaotic professor whose class bonded everyone through shared misery, and from there, Melissa and I became inseparable.

We hung out constantly and told each other everything. Over the years, I supported her through a lot. I was there when she cheated on her fiancé, when he found out and got aggressive, when she left him, and when she started dating the guy she’d cheated with.

I was also there when she found out she was pregnant, and I cried when I got to hold her baby boy for the first time. When she dropped out of college to move back in with her mom 45 minutes away, we still made time for each other; FaceTiming, visiting on weekends, and staying close.

I finished my bachelor’s, started my master’s, and life got busier, but I never thought that distance had caused tension between us. Then I got engaged to my boyfriend of seven years (someone I’d been with long before I even met Melissa) and it just felt natural to ask her to be my maid of honor.

I even asked if her son could be my ring bearer, which made her so happy. The wedding was still 14 months away, so I thought we had plenty of time to plan and enjoy everything.

At first, things were great, but then she started making comments that threw me off. She said my engagement ring was “too small” and “not special,” that it looked like my fiancé had just picked the first one he saw.

For context, he actually had it custom-made at a local jeweler after spending weeks finding the right design; small, dainty, and simple, exactly what I’d always shown him I liked. It wasn’t big, but it meant a lot to me.

Then she started pushing her own ideas onto my bachelorette plans. I’d told her from the beginning that I didn’t want to go out clubbing, I’m more of a homebody.

I’d booked a big Airbnb so we could hang out, drink, play games, and have a relaxed weekend. She kept insisting we go to bars anyway and seemed frustrated when I stuck to what I wanted. She also kept ranting to me about how “unsupportive” the other bridesmaids were.

Nothing they did satisfied her and she constantly tried to make herself seem like a better friend even though she was already the Maid of Honor. She even got upset over me hanging with the other bridesmaids at the bachelorette, because she doesn’t partake in that activity and wanted to do something with everyone.

(This was super late at night and we had stepped outside for 10 minutes in between games as everyone was grabbing snacks and refilling drinks) She also started acting weirdly cold toward me after she found out about my beliefs.

She brought up politics one day and started ranting about something, and when I respectfully gave my perspective, she got upset. Before that, we’d never even talked about politics.

There were also weird moments leading up to the wedding. She forgot about one of my bridal showers and then got upset when I wouldn’t let her bring her son at the last minute. For my other shower, I did let her bring him, but she didn’t really watch him, and he broke a few decorations.

I tried to interact with him, but he was cranky and overwhelmed from the long drive. Afterward, she texted that she “felt some type of way” that I didn’t spend more time with her son. I apologized but also gently reminded her that it was my shower and I had to entertain other guests. When the wedding got closer, my fiancé’s parents paid for cabins near the venue for the bridal party.

I told Melissa that there was room for her, but not her son. I didn’t go into detail, but honestly, we’d planned for that night to be adults only (drinking, staying up late) and I didn’t think that was an environment for a kid. I’ll admit I didn’t tell her that reasoning because she has a habit of ignoring boundaries and bringing her son anyway.

Eight days before the wedding, she called to say her son wouldn’t be walking down the aisle after all, he wouldn’t do it especially for “strangers” and that my fiancé and I had not been spending enough time with her son. and she was “worried he’d act out and ruin the day.”

She also said she felt left out because of him. I was caught off guard but just listened and told her I understood. I didn’t argue, even though it hurt a little, and my cousins stepped in as replacements (who my fiancé wanted originally anyways but I insisted on her son because of the bond I thought we had).

On the day of the wedding, she spent most of the morning showing me videos of her son while we were trying to getting ready. Her husband and son even still came but came late and ended up causing the entire ceremony to pause for them to be seated.

After the ceremony, when it was time to sign the marriage license, she apparently stood behind us ready to sign as a witness, but I had already asked another bridesmaid to do it. People told me later that Melissa looked annoyed and didn’t smile in any of the pictures, even the ones from earlier that morning.

After the wedding, things got really distant. I texted her like I always had, but every conversation became one-sided. She only talked about herself or her son and never asked about me, my new husband, or anything going on in my life. I started realizing she had always been that way, I just hadn’t noticed before.

To add to all this, she had a quick courthouse wedding to her baby’s father last December. I took and edited all her photos for free, and I even signed as her witness. My fiancé couldn’t come because it was such short notice, literally a random Thursday, but I showed up for her anyway.

Her ring was a big blue stone that looked more like costume jewelry, which she loved at first. But recently, she’s been saying she wants to “redo” her wedding to look like mine (even though it’s not her style at all) and get a smaller ring like mine because it’s “cuter.”

Now it feels like we’re strangers. I’ve supported her through so many major moments in her life, but when it was my turn to have something special, she seemed jealous, judgmental, and passive-aggressive. So, AITA for not trying harder to fix the friendship after my wedding? Or was I blind to the fact that it was already one-sided and I’m just now seeing it for what it was?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

VivianDiane said:

NTA. You didn't end the friendship, you just stopped being the only one in it. She showed you who she was during your wedding planning. Believe her.

Wonderful_Bottle_852 said:

NTA. It sounds like you’ve grown apart. Sometimes friendships end. You reach a new stage in your life and you move on. People you were friends with in your college years are not necessarily going to be your friends anymore once you get married and have a family.

You have different goals and priorities. She sounds needy and jealous of what you have. If I were you I would distance myself from her.

Beginning_Cow_972 said:

You thought someone self-centered enough to cheat on a significant other was going to be a good friend? Babe, raise your standards.

rutalia said:

I have a rule I have been living by recently and it has made me so much happier in my life. “If I didn’t break it, I’m not gonna fix it." It’s heartbreaking to realize that you care more about your friends than they care about you, but this happens quite a lot.

This frees you to go and find the people who really care about you, to scale up your friend group. I’m sorry you’re losing a friend. I know how much that sucks.

LawfulnessPopular408 said:

NTA - They’re so jealous of you that they want to be YOU. Leave or go low contact for the time being. Let her initiate contact if she wants to. Don’t go out of your way to do things for her if she wouldn’t do it for you. And congratulations for your wedding.